November 9, 2009

Readers are asking Kurt, you live in [famous American city], why don't you post some photos of the people and places therein?

Well, it just so happens that the famous American city in which I live recently hosted a famous marathon, and I ended up beside the course taking photos - I no longer remember why. Below are some pics from that day (special thanks to Tony for me turning me on to the lens used for these pics)

(Click to enlarge any photo, or do something else)

November 5, 2009

Before our wires are unplugged and OPE disappears forever, I'd like to share with readers some details of my personal life.

As you may imagine, I was not always a cooperative child. See if you can guess which child is me in this family photo:


Did you guess correctly? Did you guess at all? It saddens me to recall my behavior that day. Not only did I refuse to wear the leather jacket/bandanna combo as requested, I convinced my brothers to join me in rebelling. I took them to Mervyns to select bow ties and vests, paying for them with my own allowance just to spite my parents who, to their credit, pretended not to notice.

I never forgave my brother/sister for giving in so easily to our parents; he/she even wore the boots! What a mama's boy/girl!

November 4, 2009

In the past, I have encouraged readers to purchase quality OPE products from our partners at C@fe Press, but no more! Thanks to your two purchases, we have had an unwithdrawable balance of $6.00 for many months now. C@fe Press only pays out profits in increments of $25.00 - an unrealizable amount for those with small followings and unreasonably priced products.

They do, however, permit account holders to use their profits to purchase their own products, and when they recently announced a 20% off sale, I quickly determined that I would never get a better deal legally. Here I am pretending to drink liquid from one of my pair of OPE mugs which, even after all the discounts, still cost $8.50 each. What a rip!



I encourage each of you to never again purchase OPE products at C@fe Press so long as you both shall live.

November 3, 2009

Readers may remember my post of April 2008 in which I discussed the bumfuzzling album cover art for an LP I own, Best of Brahms.

The album is part of Westminster Gold's Best Of series that includes Chopin, Puccini, Beethoven, and others.



You can see that the cover art for Best of Puccini bears some relation to the composer's work, to wit, Puccini composed Madame Butterfly, although that doesn't explain why the woman isn't wearing a shirt.


Best of Brahms, however, defies explanation. (This series was released in 1972, which may be explanation enough) Perhaps Brahms wrote a Breakfast Sonata or a Bacon and Eggs Quintet; my knowledge of his oeuvre is not extensive. But my guess is that everyone at the record company was just high.

Update: I was perusing the LP selection at the local Salvation Army along with the other weirdos, and I discovered the following 2 LPs, also from Westminster Gold, with cover art presumably designed by the same stoners.




Again, no shirt

November 2, 2009

Readers have been lamenting the coming closure of OPE blog (pending the identification of all the relevant wires), but really what they are lamenting is the loss of free OPE services, for subscription-based OPE zine continues on, and is available to all, except the creepy (just $24/six issues).

Recently, we sent out the following email to those who had not yet renewed:

Dear OPE subscriber,
Hi, this is Malcolm, the college intern at Other People Exist zine. Year 5 of OPE is underway, but according to my records, you haven’t renewed your subscription yet. You probably just forgot. Won’t you renew today? Your checkbook is on the table.

Okay, the truth is: there is no Malcolm, and he doesn’t go to college. Kurt keeps track of all the renewals himself with no help whatsoever from anyone. He doesn’t mind writing renewal reminders and waiting patiently by his mailbox for the checks. He does it for you, his subscribers, and all for just $24 a year, plus an optional suggested late fee of $5.

Malcolm

ps: Those bastards at PayPal now take $1 of every $24 we receive (a pal wouldn't do that), so please avoid using them if possible.

The check below arrived in today's mail. Our readers may not be strong in math, but they are probably strong in something.

October 29, 2009

(click to enlarge, do not click and they will stay as they appear)

Two Days Later

Many musical groups perform on the streets here. There is a pack of neo-hippies who somehow got ahold of a guitar, and they sit on the sidewalk singing "The Times They Are A-Changin'" and other songs they don't understand. One has a lovely voice, but her personal hygiene is not up to community standards. Mr. Dylan has much to teach us, but I don't believe he ever said not to shower. Close friends say he always smelled like Ivory soap, hair tonic, and weed. He wouldn't want to smell these youngsters any more than I did. I'm sure if she asked nicely, someone would be glad to hose her down.

Tonight we dine with another couple so I will have to pretend I am just like other people for a while. Wish me luck!

Sitting in a square with a view of the Cathedral of Whatever. Earlier, in the so-called French Quarter (no baguettes, no Eiffel Tower), a man I passed on the sidewalk said "excuse you!" to me. His long-suffering wife immediately made prayer hands and said "I'm sorry." I graciously accepted her apology, as she has to spend the rest of the day (and possibly her life) with him.

Now a brass band is playing (still not French!) and people are gathering for a hetero wedding. Some people are into that.

October 22, 2009

Today I want to formally apologize to anyone we may have taken out back and shot, if in fact we did take anyone out back and shoot them, which I'm not saying we did. Some readers were critical of what may or may not have taken place out back, but it's always easy to judge when you are not the one who has killed.

I also want to say to the children out there: taking people out back and shooting them is rarely the way to solve a problem, but when it is, you'll know. If I had it to do over again, I would keep it more hush-hush.

The folks at blogger are having trouble making all the necessary disconnections from OPE blog, so, at their behest, I must travel to New Orleans tomorrow to identify some of our wires. This may take several days, but I will try to update readers from my iDevice when possible.


Beautiful New Orleans

October 21, 2009

OPE received more page hits yesterday than in any other day in the past seven months. We should quit more often! We now wonder if perhaps we acted too hastily re: the Todd problem.

Everyone at OPE appreciates all this belated attention, and we have placed a temporary moratorium on the shooting of interns. We'd hate to be short of staff right at the end. Note: this does not constitute an admission on our part of any past shooting of interns in any area of OPE and most especially out back.


Nothing to see here

October 20, 2009

For legal reasons, I cannot tell you what took place out back today, but let me just say that the new St@rbucks VIA™ Ready Brəw instant coffee is easy to make (just add water!) and tastes very good.

Now that we have tied up the loose ends at OPE, formal closing procedures can begin. We contacted blogger to request that the Internet wires connected to our blog be unhooked, a process that is too technical to explain here.

Once the wires are unhooked, all searches for OPE will be in vain. The Internet simply won't go there. However, The OPE Book, featuring all our best posts in one volume, will be available for just $29.95. All 6 readers will want to have a copy of their own to put wherever people used to put books.

October 19, 2009

As OPE blog comes fizzling to a close, everyone has become concerned re: what will happen to Todd. It's become clear that someone will have to do the humane thing and take him out back and shoot him.

I'm the logical choice for the task, since I am always talking about how I want to take Todd out back and shoot him. I don't relish the task, but if someone must do it, it might as well be someone who has always wanted to.

We're all feeling a little sentimental about Todd today, and everyone is being really sweet to him, since we know his terrible fate. But what's the alternative? Leave Todd to fend for himself in this cruel world? Let him live in the empty basement apartment and help out around the house? Neither prospect seems viable.

We also have to do something with the old couch.

October 16, 2009

Things are winding down here at OPE blog. Today, we auctioned off our office furniture (a chair) and canceled a recent order for personalized hand towels. I will be keeping the computer for personal use (Beanie Baby auctions), and Todd will hold on to the coffee-making equipment (after reimbursing OPE for the full purchase price).

We met with a few buyers interested in the OPE domain name, mostly spammers who want to sell fake Rolex watches or illegal prescription drugs. We planned to hold out for $50, but the drug people talked us down to two bottles of Flonase and a Cialis mouse pad.

There's exciting news for those who are scrambling to purchase the last of our quality OPE products: CafePress is offering free shipping on all orders over $50. Buy a sweatshirt and a BBQ apron, and the shipping is free!

October 15, 2009

OPE has never had fewer readers than it has now, and I can only blame Hungary. Hungary is no Portugal, at least in terms of its readership-boosting effect. It turns out that Hungary decreases readership, though their goulash is excellent.

When we had fifteen or so readers, it felt like we mattered. That false sense of importance is gone now that readership has plummeted to about 6. It may be about time for us to wrap things up here at OPE blog.

There will be tears from our long time readers, and sighs of relief from those who were only commenting out of habit. Todd may flip out, but I won't think about that right now, or ever. For myself, I am proud of whatever it is I accomplished here, and I thank everyone who supported us by purchasing OPE mugs, t shirts, and other quality products, which are now poised to become valuable collector's items. Get them while they last!

October 14, 2009

OPE as written in the past in support of lesser-known mailing services such as Media Mail and Parcel Post. Our readers' thank-you cards tell us how valuable this information has been. Today we would like to remind readers about their First Class Mail options.

For packages over 13 ounces that do not contain media such as books, CDs, or 8-track tapes (for which you would be an idiot not to use Media Mail), Priority Mail, though a ripoff, is your best (and only) rate. But First Class Mail Package is always your best rate for packages under 13 ounces.

Say you want to mail me your unused prescription p@in killers. Let's compare the rates for an 8 ounce package:

Priority Mail: $4.95
First Class Mail Package: $2.41

As you can see, Priority Mail is a huge ripoff. What about delivery time? you ask. Priority Mail claims (but does not guarantee!) a delivery time of 2 days, but USPS admits that there is no separate service for Priority Mail, in other words, Priority Mail is treated the same as First Class. Shocking? You bet.

Here at OPE, we have a small postal scale and a collection of stamps in various denominations (available from USPS.com) so we can frank all our mail easily at home. FYI: Packages under 13 ounces can be mailed from your neighborhood drop box.


Use Priority Mail only for cats over 13 ounces

October 13, 2009

Today I received a letter from one of the countries I visited on my recent readership-boosting trip:

Warmest greetings,
Thank you for your recent visit to our proud country. We appreciate you spending your money on our products and services and not engaging in any criminal activity. Though you connected to private, unsecured wireless signals where available, you did so only for personal use. We appreciate that.

FYI: the towel and soap provided on the overnight train are not complimentary, however, the damage is done, so please use them in good health. (The hotel soaps, lotion, sewing kit, note pad, shoe cloth, pencil and stationery are complimentary, so no problem there).

Please tell your friends about our nation and its bacon-wrapped hot dogs. There is no need to mention the B.O. It's word-of-mouth from visitors like you that is our best advertisement, providing it is positive.

The tourist dollars you spend on food, accommodations, and hideous tchotchkes are important to us. We thank you and hope you visit us again as soon as you have more money.

Sincerely,
EU Member Nation


Not the towels

October 12, 2009

Those of you who love OPE will be happy to hear that we won an award. Unfortunately, there was an incident at the awards ceremony that spoiled the whole experience for us.

October 9, 2009

Welcome Internet user searching for refrigireitor! I don't recall the post in which I badly misspelled refrigerator, but I thank google for bringing you here anyway. I hope you stay long after your inexplicable search for refrigireitor is over, if it ever is.

Welcome also to the Internet user searching for halloween costumes for dog and owner. I see that not only are you looking to dress up your pet against its will, you also hope to obtain some sort of matching costume for yourself, so that you and your miserable pet will form a hideous ensemble. In this way, you hope to make your sadism more palatable and desensitize small children to the horrors of animal abuse. I hope your visit here is short and humiliating, and come again!

October 8, 2009

Those readers who worry about about having their pocket picked when in a foreign country will be glad to know that the folks at "The Police Headquaters Olomouc" are on top of things, as evidenced by the helpful flier below.

You probably already know that "the number of pocket-pilferages increases in time of the tourist season." But do you know how to protect yourself? The last time someone in my party experienced a pocket-pilferage (see OPE: March 19, 2009), we were getting on a tram with a large crowd. Had we read this flier, we would have known to "avoid to every crush in the means of transport."

Another great tip: "don't carry your mobil-phone behind your trousers' girdle and also on another visible place." I forgot my trousers' girdle on this trip but, in general, you should never carry your money, documents or other valuables in your rucksack because "you don't see there!"

October 7, 2009

Judging by OPE's statcounter, The Portugal Effect does not appear to extend to other EU member nations, that is, my assigned trip to Budapest has not resulted in the uptick in site traffic that the staff was hoping/praying for. I feel a bit bad since they paid for everything, so today I brought them some muffins that I had Todd make.

There was much discussion about what to do next, but I was in the tub for most of it, so I'm not sure what was decided. A return trip to Portugal would seem to be the most effective solution. The ability of Portugal to increase site traffic cannot be denied. But now is not the best time to propose costly measures to the staff, who experienced a shock earlier today when they received my European expense report.

While shaving my heels, Todd told me that the staff is pretty upset about my gelato charges. They feel gelato is a "treat" and should not be expensed as part of my meals budget. But it was my breakfast, I said.

(click to embiggen)