An email to a lapsed subscriber:
Dear Former Subscriber,
We understand that you recently moved house, and now that you're all settled in, you want to renew your long-neglected subscription to OPE zine. I wish it were that simple.
You see, your behavior has consequences. When you neglect someone, it causes them to feel resentment. That's a pretty negative feeling, and it can make a person do some pretty awful things, such as talk smack about you, spread terrible lies, and FedEx you their excreta or the excreta of another. And there's no one to blame for those crimes but you.
You probably think $24 (the renewal fee) will assuage all those terrible feelings. It does go a long way, but if you want to demonstrate true remorse, you should include a US$5 late fee. Only then can real healing begin.
You've been lucky, as you know from the lack of parcels you've received containing excreta. But don't delay. I poop every day.
Kurt of OPE
We understand that you recently moved house, and now that you're all settled in, you want to renew your long-neglected subscription to OPE zine. I wish it were that simple.
You see, your behavior has consequences. When you neglect someone, it causes them to feel resentment. That's a pretty negative feeling, and it can make a person do some pretty awful things, such as talk smack about you, spread terrible lies, and FedEx you their excreta or the excreta of another. And there's no one to blame for those crimes but you.
You probably think $24 (the renewal fee) will assuage all those terrible feelings. It does go a long way, but if you want to demonstrate true remorse, you should include a US$5 late fee. Only then can real healing begin.
You've been lucky, as you know from the lack of parcels you've received containing excreta. But don't delay. I poop every day.
Kurt of OPE
posted by Kurt | 5:59 AM
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