July 31, 2009

The summer heat has started in earnest here in my part of the world, whichever part that is. There is nothing that can be done short of hovering near the air conditioner, complaining bitterly, and throwing embarrassing tantrums (for which I can afterward blame the heat).

When I was young, I didn't mind the heat as much. Of course, I also lived on tortilla chips and cigarettes, and slept on a couch. Now I sleep on a people mattress, and hot weather make me crabby, as many innocent bystanders can attest.

I lived for many years in a city that was never hot or cold. It was a lovely city by the ocean where everything cost three times what it did in the outside world. I was more comfortable, I smelled better, and my skin had a lustrous glow that drew admiring licks from dogs.

Now, in this heat, there is no point in getting a facial because as soon as I hit the streets again my pores are a disaster. Am I right, ladies!? I much prefer the bitterly cold winters here, when my complaining comes almost to a standstill (at least regarding the weather).


Sometimes I have no choice but to shove

July 30, 2008

Button is the theme for Theme Thursday, which perhaps should be renamed Theme Wednesday Night, judging by how early some of the West Coast participants post.

Longtime readers of this blog know that, for a time, I lived exclusively in a 1970 VW van for the economic advantages it afforded. It was not an attractive van, but it was cheap ($850), and it ran well. It only broke down once, unfortunately in Mexico, but with the help of a Chicano gentleman, who negotiated an appropriate bribe for the bothersome highway patrol officers, I was able to fix the van and avoid falling into the hands of bandidos.

But I digress. The van had a button in the engine compartment that was connected to the starter. In hot weather, when electrical resistance rises, VW vans are known for not starting because the ignition is much farther from the engine than in a standard car. This is where the button came in. One would turn on the ignition, then go around back and press the button to start the van.

That sounds dangerous, you may say. But in fact it was not dangerous at all as long as one took the precaution of putting the vehicle in neutral and engaging the parking brake. Otherwise, there could be a problem.

On the day there was a problem, I had neglected to take either of the aforementioned precautions and the vehicle, upon being started, began to slowly drive away. It became immediately apparent that I would have to catch it. I had working for me the fact that the van was in first gear, so though I started out behind, my chances looked good.

This is why I am an advocate of staying in good physical condition. Even if you never have to chase down your own vehicle, life can always throw you a challenge that requires excellent physical conditioning.

Because I was in superb shape (and extremely motivated), I did catch my vehicle before it got away, and before a crowd gathered to point and laugh. No one got smooshed, and I lived to start the van remotely again. (Later I installed a relay that fixed the problem).


Like this, but ugly

July 29, 2009

Nigerian troops battle Islamic militants in north

Replies to thousands of scam emails went unanswered in the early hours of Wednesday morning as troops exchanged fire with Islamic militants in northern Nigeria, prompting many Nigerians to flee their homes, a witness said.

Olugbenga Akinbule, a local journalist, said hundreds of scammers and their families were seen fleeing the city of Maiduguri, in addition to the 3,000 scammers who have already been displaced.

He asked that Americans wait until the fighting cools down to wire money to their Nigerian prince or princess.

"This situation is being brought under control," President Umaru Yar'Adua told reporters Tuesday. "All Western Union offices will be open for business by Monday," he said.

Nigeria's 140 million people are nearly evenly divided between Christians, Muslims, and email scammers, who predominate in the north.

Nigeria should be wealthy due to its prodigious oil reserves and millions of wire transfers from naive elderly Americans, but corruption and inefficiency have left many people in poverty.

Prince Desmond Etete can barely afford fuel for the generator that powers his desktop computer, an essential tool for his home scamming business.

"Sometimes an email comes in from a mark, and I lose power. That can mean thousands of lost dollars," he said.

Yar'Adua has vowed that no more incoming emails from innocent victims will be lost during the violence.

Late Tuesday, the army sent armored vehicles to a residential district in Maiduguri where Nigeria's larger server farm is located.

Etete is calling on the international community for help. He has sent out thousands of emails with the subject line "Your assistance is needed." He has not received a reply.

July 28, 2009

The truth is, yesterday was not the first time I have given a charitable gift in honor of a baby/graduate/miscellaneous. Whenever friends of mine have additional children, or nieces/nephews/cousins graduate from college, I give a charitable gift in their honor. Since I am too cheap to donate money of my own accord, and because I don't understand the reasons for owning any of the various consumer products available for purchase today, I use these occasions as an opportunity for me to be generous. Here are some past gift announcements via heifer.org:

To: Chesley [name has been changed]
From: Kurt
In honor of your seventh birthday, a family somewhere in the world has been given a flock of ducks, all named Chesley.

To: Zora [name has been changed]
From: Unkie Kurt
Dear Zora, I heard that you have everything you could ever desire, so for Christmas, instead of getting you that gangsta-themed hoodie, I bought a flock of chicks in your name for a deserving family somewhere in the world.


I love my dinner!

July 27, 2009

I need to apologize to my readers. I know you waited patiently over the weekend for another one of my fascinating posts about Ringo. You may have discussed it with family at the dinner table and tried to predict what it would be about. At least that's what I pictured.

Unfortunately, a close friend announced yesterday that he has sired yet another child, and my energies have been devoted to finding an appropriate gift to honor the thing. I decided on a charitable donation in its honor from heifer.org, whose goal is to help end world hunger and poverty through self-reliance & sustainability.

Below is the gift announcement:

In honor of Cordelia [name has been changed], a flock of chicks has been given to a needy family in an undisclosed foreign location. As hens, they can lay up to 200 eggs a year - plenty to eat, share or sell. They also control insects, fertilize gardens, and entertain with their mindless antics.

In Tanzania, Omari and Kulwa were struggling to raise a family on just 50 cents a day. With the chicks they received from Heifer, egg sales have boosted their daily income to $2. Now everyone in their village must do as they command, or face their wrath.

Note: Please make no attempt to contact the needy family or visit the chicks. All chicks legally belong to the Disney Corp. Chicks may be eaten at any time.


Omari enjoying his chick fortune

July 24, 2009

Today marks the end of OPE blog's second week of Ringo-themed posts. I know Ringo would be proud if he had any idea at all that this was taking place. I know my family would be proud if the word proud was a word they used ever.

It has been a hard two weeks. Sometimes I wanted to give up and just post something hilarious like in the old days. But then readers' comments would remind me how much they treasured the informative Ringo posts, and that would make it all worth it - the hours of research, the live performances by former band mates, the requests by security not to yell Ringo! between songs - all of it.

I have received numerous cards, letters, emails and FAXes beseeching me for many many more posts about Ringo. I am only too happy to comply. A recent physical examination by my doctor indicated that I am in excellent health, so there's no reason I can't continue posting about Ringo for many years to come. I invite every reader who thinks he/she will live that long to join me!

July 23, 2009

Paul McSomething sings one of his unknown post-Beatles songs

As you can see by the photo, the concert was blurry. But even through the blurriness, you can clearly see that Ringo is not there.

Where was Ringo? Speculators say that he was most likely in England, where he is originally from, perhaps having dinner with family. Zak may or may not have been there, depending on his schedule. His lovely wife Barbara probably cooked something simple, or else they ordered in.

According to Wikipedia, Ringo's "allergies and sensitivities to food [meant that] when he travelled to India in 1968 with the other Beatles, he took his own food with him." It does not speculate on Ringo's current eating habits. The question is: How seriously should we take information from someone who can't spell traveled?

July 22, 2009

In an effort to keep readers up to date on all things Ringo, I attended a music concert last night. One of Ringo's former band mates, Paul McSomething, was performing at a large arena in the famous American city where I live. I felt I should be there in case there was a surprise appearance by you-know-who.

Full report
The concert was exciting because I knew that at any minute there was the faint possibility that Ringo would suddenly appear. During each transition, I thought This could be the moment! At one point, there was a huge fireworks display that I thought was signaling Ringo's arrival but that turned out to be just for show.

Ringo never showed, but readers, know that I was there, just in case (yelling "Ringo!" in between songs). What is more, I pledge to always be present any time there is a possibility of an appearance by Ringo (within a five mile radius of our offices).

July 21, 2009

Readers have requested that OPE blog help to organize a new Ringocentric religion with OPE readers as the first flock members. I'm afraid I cannot do that. Sorry, Tony (and others).

Firstly, there is already a religion based on Ringo's teachings called Beatlemania. It involves screaming in stadia and playing LP records backward. Secondly, Ringo himself has said Do not follow in the footsteps of the ancient ones - seek what they sought. Ringo is beseeching us to find our own path, not simply follow him (the ancient one).

It is appropriate to admire Ringo and listen to his many audio recordings. We can also learn from his example. But we must not look to Ringo to solve our problems or show us the way. This we must do ourselves. With a little help from our friends.

July 20, 2009

Over the weekend, I received many angry calls and letters from readers who have been loyal to OPE over the years. They are upset about all the time they have wasted reading the many hundreds of non-Ringo posts that I have published over the years. Now that they see how satisfying a completely Ringo-based blog can be, they resent those pre-Ringo "lost years."

What can I say? We all grow and change. I had to evolve to where I am today before I could see the wisdom of all-Ringo content. I wasn't ready before. None of us were. I say we should be thankful for every Ringo-filled post and try not to regret the past. It's what Ringo would do (I presume).

Ringo always says "peace and love." He doesn't say it to himself; he says it out loud so that anyone listening to him can hear it. It's his message to us, from him. It doesn't call for a specific action. It isn't always appropriate for the context. But it is heartfelt, or appears to be. We could all learn a lesson from this, depending on what each of us already knows.

July 17, 2009

Yesterday's post was one of our most popular ever, proving that as long as we continue to write exclusively about Ringo and Ringo-related issues, readers will come to us in droves.

Fortunately for us all, there are literally a million things one could write about Ringo. Of course, we won't continue to write about Ringo forever; a year or two should suffice, or as long as readers demand it.

Latest Ringo news
Wednesday night, Paul McCartney, whom Ringo worked with early in his career, appeared on The Late Show and spoke about Ringo and other non-Ringo issues. Besides playing bass and singing on Ringo's Ringo (1973), he has apparently also made some post-Beatle recordings of his own. Indeed, after his interview, he played some music sans Ringo with mild success.

Next week: Ringo's film career.


Ringo with another actor

July 16, 2009

Welcome to OPE blog, your blog for everything Ringo related. Our motto is: If it isn't about Ringo, it isn't worth reading.

I remember back when OPE had no direction, and we would post about anything. Then we discovered that readers preferred posts that were solely about Ringo. Or maybe that was me who preferred it. Either way, someone has gotten what they wanted, which brings us up to the present day.

During our extensive Ringo research, we have noticed that Ringo has gotten more ornery as he's gotten older. Why has he gotten more ornery? Because he can. Basically, Ringo can do whatever the fuck he wants now. Who dares defy him? He is beyond the rules that govern people like you and me. Okay, just you.

July 15, 2009

Our wildly popular Ringo series has touched our readers, and our comments indicate that they crave more. Our planned month of Ringo posts may not be sufficient.

Before we launch into what could be hundreds of posts about Ringo, let's take a brief look at Ringo's life.

A Ringo Timeline

July 7, 1940: Little Ringo is born

Six months later: Ringo eats his first solid food

1942: Ringo walks

1944: Ringo begins drumming incessantly on tables and other hard surfaces. His mother says "Enough already!"

1957: Ringo gets his first set of drums

1961: Ringo joins The Beatles, then known as The Chuffingtons

1962: The band tours Germany under the new name Paul McCartney and friends

1963 - 1970: Now named The Beatles, the band releases 13 records that are very popular with their numerous fans

1970: Ringo goes solo. While the other Beatles disappear into obscurity, Ringo sells millions of LPs, and later, CDs.

Present day: Ringo is at home, relaxing

Interesting fact: Ringo has a son, Zak, who is also a drummer. The two take turns playing the drum kit. In order to avoid arguments, Ringo has a schedule posted on the refrigerator.

July 14, 2009

This is our second in what I hope will be a long series of posts about Ringo.

Ringo was a sickly child; he suffered from chronic pleurisy, whatever that is, and was in and out of hospitals, even once falling into a coma, something certain people should have thought about before they made fun of him.

Because of his illnesses, he was never able to complete school, though he did learn to read and write, so if you have written hurtful things about him on your blog, he is able to read them. And I presume he has feelings just like regular people.

Many drummers acknowledge Ringo as an influence, including Dave Grohl of Nirvana/Foo Fighters, whoever they are, Phil Rudd of AC/DC, and Mr. Phil Collins. Collins said of Ringo's drumming:

The drum fills on the song "A Day in the Life" are very complex things. You could take a great drummer today and say "I want it like that." He wouldn't know what to do.

July 13, 2009

There has been some question in blogdom about the importance of Ringo as a member of the popular rock combo The Beatles. It is easy for laypeople to poke fun at Ringo, since he was kind of funny looking; he didn't develop his distinguished, Yasser Arafat good looks until much later. Perhaps making fun of Ringo is just a way for people to feel better about themselves.

People forget the importance of Ringo because the band appeared to be led by the extremely handsome and talented John as well as that other guy. Under-fiftys may not know that Ringo was the most popular Beatle in America when they first arrived here.

Non-drummers tend to discount Ringo's drumming. Consider these words from Mr. Steve Smith, one of the Top 25 Drummers of All Time (according to Modern Drummer Magazine):

Ringo's popularity brought forth a new paradigm in how the public saw drummers. We started to see the drummer as an equal participant in the compositional aspect. One of Ringo's great qualities was that he composed unique, stylistic drum parts for The Beatles songs. His parts are so signature to the songs that you can listen to a Ringo drum part without the rest of the music and still identify the song.

July 10, 2009

Further research indicates that the name of gentleman from Wednesday's post is Josh, and "HOME SEX IS GREAT" is not his only success. He has bravely modified the signs of protesters before (or since). This from flickr:



He not only provides the excellent addendum, he does it with a smile. And they say there are no heroes any more.

July 9, 2009

Today's theme is ghosts.

Ghosts are the spirits of the departed come back to earth for unspecified reasons. They usually wait until late at night, when we are most scare-prone, to appear in the bedrooms of the living, waking us with their screeches and howls when a normal whisper would suffice.

Some say ghosts will go away once they have settled some important issue here on earth that is bothering them. I wish that were true of the living. Ghosts rarely specify what the issue is, making it difficult for the living to provide assistance. The living have to go to the library and research the history of their house to determine who was violently murdered in an unsolved fashion. The living then must solve the murder, despite initial police skepticism and unbelieving/unhelpful spouses. Luckily, they have the eerie, clue-filled drawings of their children to aid them.

In the end, the ghosts return to wherever they came from, often without a thank you visitation, and the living enjoy normal family activities again, but with gratitude for their now ghost-free life.

July 8, 2009

Readers may wonder what is so great about homo sex. I guess you just have to try it yourself to know. I won't speak for gay men, because I don't have that lisp, and I'm not as up as I should be on developments in the lesbian community.

I do recommend everyone get themselves multiple gay friends. As we get older, and our friends get married and breed, they disappear into the maw of family life. Those of us without children (or the ability to love) would be awfully lonely if it weren't for our gay friends. At least the ones without children.

So I thank God for my LGBT friends, for their alternative lifestyle and for their availability to do stuff.

July 7, 2009

I had a great idea for a series of humorous posts, but then I forgot it. Trust me, it would have been delightful. You would have enjoyed reading it and probably come away changed for the better (assuming people ever really change).

Readers tell me that once I latch onto an interesting idea, I tend to tease out of it every possible nuance, and the cumulative effect can be a kind of high art. Thanks, readers. I remember this idea being of that caliber. Again, you will just have to believe me when I tell you this.

In the past, I would have trusted that the idea would come to me again if I just waited, but those days are past. Now I forget stuff shortly after I think of it, and I never remember it again. The lyrics to The Night Chicago Died, however, never leave me. When I ask OPE staffers if they remember that idea I had, they just stare at me.

Too bad, because, as I said, this idea was a winner. This is a great loss for us all.

July 6, 2009

I received a rejection letter today via email from an online magazine of note. I had submitted a piece to them for publication. Here is their reply:

Hi, Kurt -
Thanks for the look, but I'm afraid wə're not going to use this one.
Best,
[name withheld by me]

This is a straightforward rejection letter that I still managed to find something wrong with. Perhaps it is because finding problems with rejection letters is my only joy.

I believe the intention of the letter is simply to indicate that they do not wish to publish my writing, however, the colloquial tone makes it feel as if the editor and I have a relationship and that, though he isn't going to use "this one," there will be others that he will use. We will no doubt be in touch again, it seems to say.

I prefer the tone of the New Yorker rejection letter, which unfortunately I have also received:

We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to consider it.

Polite and clear. Of course, the first rejection letter is perfectly acceptable too, it just cannot stand up to my level of nitpicking.

July 3, 2009

Sanford leaves for trip
But not like last one

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has left his official residence to spend the weekend with his wife and children instead of with an Argentinean lady like he prefers.

In an interview, the governor called his mistress his "soul mate," but said he was ready to "fall back in love" with his wife, Jenny.

Jenny is reportedly not as thrilled with the idea.

"My wife is a wonderful, beautiful woman for her age," the governor said, "she's totally soul mate material."

The governor said his wife could perhaps help him fall in love with her again by being less naggy. "Also, she could use a prettier haircut," he said.


A fancy Argentinean dress wouldn't hurt either

Mrs. Sanford said her husband showed a lack of judgment and "prick-like behavior" when he flew to Argentina to hook up with a hot lady.

Sanford admitted that he made a mistake and said "I am going to reimburse the state for the full cost of the Argentina leg of this trip."

Spokesman Joel Lawyer said the governor will travel to be with his family in Florida, where his in-laws live. That should be interesting.

July 2, 2009

It has come to my attention that certain persons have clicked on our sidebar link for Quality OPE Products and purchased quality OPE products. Why is unclear. This reader dipped into her retirement fund to purchase an OPE mug, then photographed herself drinking or pretending to drink from the mug:



This pleased me greatly, but upon reviewing my account with the OPE products distributor, I found that there had been yet another purchase, some time ago, of a child's tee shirt. Somewhere a toddler is wearing an OPE shirt, probably against his/her will, and nothing could please me more.

I now have US$6.00 in profits that I cannot touch, because the swindlers at C@fe Press will not cut you a check until you have $25.00 in profits. This illegal-seeming practice goes on, and the Obama administration does nothing to stop it! It also means I probably won't see any moneys until 2050, when they can be used to pay for debris removal around my grave.