December 31, 2008

Our latest site stats indicate that Other People Exist's brand recall has increased dramatically as our strategic alliance with bacon enters its second day.

Our unaided brand recall is up, that is, when consumers are asked to name their favorite blog/bacon portal, more name Other People Exist than any other site. In fact, OPE is now the "top of mind" brand name for consumers looking for a combination blog-and-bacon experience.

This is hardly surprising. We predicted bacon would improve our brand visibility through is texture, flavor, and compelling scent. There were worries that bacon's image might suffer from the alliance, but a full 24 hours have not appeared to significantly harm bacon's brand identity. Consumers still turn to bacon to meet most of their bacon needs. Visit us here.

December 30, 2008

Other People Exist blog knows the importance of creating high brand recall among consumers. In 2009, we plan to achieve maximum brand-building through sensory branding. To that end, we have joined forces with bacon, the cut of meat taken from the sides, belly, or back of a pig. This joint venture promises excellent synergies by combining Other People Exist's tired formula with the primal appeal of bacon.

Visit our new site.

December 24, 2008

Readers have written and wired regarding the roast Taarzaan planned while I was on my international travel trip. Taarzaan has weeded through all the submissions from around the globe and posted four on his blog. I suggest you read what the roasters have to say first, then read my rebuttal below:

Julia's comments prove that, once again, a reader has misunderstood my disturbing but perfectly natural feelings about the Olsen twins. As I wrote in these pages, I know a lady whose kids have all the Olsen's Direct-to-video offerings, and I had the opportunity to watch them many times. I grew to begrudgingly respect the duo and their body of work. Is that so strange? That they now run around making that kissy face at every camera saddens me greatly. I know what they can be, so it upsets me to see what they've become.

Emma's humorous words remind me afresh that not everyone in the Normal community is ready to accept the differently-inclined. I cannot explain why I do the things I do, or who watches, for just explaining it would bum my high. Fortunately, under the Obama administration, what I do will not only be legal, it will be encouraged.

[Unidentified reader]'s touching reminiscences remind me that I did propose marriage to two different young female teachers at the school where we worked, possibly in the same calendar year. I could see that I wasn't getting any younger, and either of them would have made a fine helpmeet - why be picky? I recall that one said "But I have a boyfriend," to which I replied "Big deal, so do I!"

Lastly, Megan laments how our relationship changed after she hired me for piecemeal work, and she requests that someone torture her, although I may have read that part wrong. Unfortunately, under the Obama administration, that will no longer be possible, but it's still fun to imagine. Megan, you can buy my friendship - you just need more money.

In closing, I'd like to thank everyone for coming and remind you that the roads are icy, so be careful driving home.


Our intermittent hero!

December 23, 2008

The first reviews for the latest issue of OPE zine are in, and both are raves. Here's what one subscriber wrote regarding her sister, who is also a subscriber (note: names have been changed):

Agnes said this OPE is your best and is going to give it to her friend for Xmas. Just that issue. They are both on public assistance. - Gertrude

I am not sure if the subscriber is making some connection between those on public assistance and those who enjoy OPE, but doubtless there is one. Regardless, I always appreciate reader feedback.

Unfortunately, at this time, I cannot accept any more negative comments, hate mail, or threats regarding OPE zine. I apologize for the inconvenience.


We still have 4 copies left (just $4 each)

December 22, 2008

You wouldn't think we'd be busy at the holidays here at OPE, given our level of curmudgeonry, and also given that most of our friends have gotten married and are much too busy with their wives and husbands and ostensibly adorable children to call/write/care, but in fact we are busy.

For example, many of the department stores in the famous American city where I live have festive window displays that are impressive in design and scope, and we spent the better part of a day viewing them. We also entered several stores and looked at the items wealthy people purchase for reasons beyond our understanding. I touched a $2400 purse. I purchased a $6 hot chocolate. Tom Wolfe passed us on the street.

The holiday spirit is so infectious, that even I have succumbed, and I don't expect to not give a shit again until the 26th, so until then, Happy Holidays!

click to enlarge

December 19, 2008

The 4th Annual Death/Christmas Issue of OPE zine (yes, that) mailed out yesterday at 4:50PM, just ten minutes before last pick-up. Mail often travels faster during the holiday season, so subscribers may want to start their vigil by the mailbox as soon at Saturday morning, very early.

re: your vigil, if your outside temperature is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, I recommend you wear a jacket, and possibly mittens. Also, take an umbrella if you suspect hail or sleet. If you lose feeling in any extremities, you should consult a doctor immediately after your vigil has ended.

I overestimated the number of readers who would get swept up in the excitement surrounding the Death/Christmas Issue (the total number of readers who sent cash-stuffed envelopes is two (with one still unconfirmed)), and consequently, I have five extra copies. I hate to think of all that toner going to waste, so I encourage everyone with four dollars to stuff it in an envelope and mail it c/o OPE.

I feel so confident that you will enjoy this issue, that if for any reason you aren't satisfied, you can mail it back!

December 18, 2008

The following email arrived from the family of an OPE subscriber (all names have been changed):

Hi Kurt,
Emmy & Sue want to give their father a subscription to OPE for his birthday. I can put a check in the mail tomorrow. If I toss in a few extra $$ could you Priority Mail me a copy? It would arrive on Saturday in time for his birthday.

Thanks!
Sharon

I replied as follows:

Sharon,
This is a very complicated question, as Mr. Logan never paid for his last year's subscription, and he had to be removed from the rolls. We are not sure we want to readmit irresponsible subscribers such as him. Also, technically, Emmy and Sue would not be buying their father a subscription to OPE, but rather, they would be reimbursing OPE for past issues which we have mailed to Mr. Logan in good faith. You can see that it is quite a quagmire your daughters have gotten themselves into.

Coincidentally, I am finishing up the 4th annual Death/Christmas Issue today, and in the spirit of the holiday, I have decided to make the following offer to the Logan sisters. For $24US, I will reinstate Mr. Logan's account, mail a copy of the latest issue, and include the back issue he missed (though he appeared not to notice or care). I don't believe Priority Mail can guarantee a Saturday arrival (USPS claims Priority Mail "offers two- to three-day service to most domestic destinations" (emphasis is mine)), and it costs an additional $4.80, which Emmy and Sue would have to absorb. May I suggest instead giving him a lovely card indicating that all has been made right with our organization and that the flow of issues will soon resume? That is gift enough, I would think.

Let me know what the children decide,
Kurt


A random photo of children from the Internet

December 17, 2008

Last night, I took a break from my hectic zine writing schedule to go see the up-and-coming rock combo Everest. I like to keep up on the latest performing groups as soon as they are formed and begin playing tunes.

As you can see by their picture, they are cool. They did that thing where they left in the frame of the photo with the words KODAK 320TXP, which everyone knows is artsy. They are an "alt-country band," which I am sure means something to somebody.

They opened for a band of old men named Wilco, who were sort of cool I guess, after which someone's great grandpa took the stage. His name was Neil Young, but he was anything but. He somehow got invited on the Everest tour, maybe by mistake, I don't know.

Anyway, now you know about Everest. I hope you purchase their mp3s from a popular mp3 purchasing site or your local mp3 store.


One sings, one plays guitar, one plays bass, another plays drums, not sure what the fifth one does.

December 16, 2008

It began to snow here at the offices this afternoon, and I was able to slip outside for 1 minute and 30 seconds and stand right in the middle of the action, then I heard the scanner calling, and I had to rush back in and continue work on you-know-what.

Progress has been steady on the aforementioned item and, as the young people say, I expect the issue to drop on Thursday. Once it is out the door, I will be able to appreciate all the season has to offer, including adult beverages.

Those who have resisted purchasing a sample copy (just $4) might want to yield this once, as the 4th Annual you-know-what is shaping up to be one of the best YKWs of all time. What were you going to spend that $4 on anyway? mp3 downloads of Tegan and Sara? A whiskey-infused watermelon? Presents for beloved family members?

All good choices, but none better than a copy of the 4AD/C issue. Act now, before I start warming up the copier.

December 15, 2008

There was a whirlwind of activity today surrounding the 4th annual Death/Christmas issue of OPE zine and, in the heat of triage, OPE blog had to take a back seat to my paid work (the zine).

I expect to finish the issue on time (Thursday, December 18 by 5:30 PM (last mail pickup)) so that it will arrive by the 23rd or 24th. That way, every subscriber will have their Death/Christmas issue before Christmas Day, which falls on the 25th this year.

Please have a fire burning in your hearth and your cup of hot cocoa ready, so that when the issue arrives, you can plop yourself in your rocker and get down to business.

December 12, 2008

December 11, 2008

Work on the 4th annual Death/Christmas issue of OPE zine has been slow. Each issue is 16 pages in length, and because I believe my subscribers deserve a zine with no blank pages, I am sometimes forced to pad an issue with work of questionable quality.

In actuality, the difference between first quality OPE zine material and shameless filler is small, and fortunately, most of my readers don't notice (or they don't purchase the zine for reading purposes). Either way, I win.

For this issue, however, I am having trouble generating the necessary filler to ensure that every page has something on it. So I am asking readers for help. In the comment area, please leave a few sentences about The Worst Xmas Present You Have Ever Received (Eid, Hanukkah, and Yule presents will also be accepted). You can always comment anonymously if you fear a reprisal. Photos are encouraged. Thanking you in advance,

Kurt

December 10, 2008

Blogger tut-tut posted a photo of her desk, giving us valuable insight into her life and works. The photo below of my desk may also provide insight into my life, providing the photo is really of my desk, and assuming it is not posed, and that I really have a desk, and that those are the items on the desk I really have.



Some questions:
Why is the mouse on the left - I thought I was right-handed?
Do I store the lens cap from my camera on my desk top, or did I just set the cap down to take the photo, assuming I took the photo, which I'm not totally sure I believe?
Is it possible to visit the desk?
What's that smell?

December 9, 2008

It seems that yesterday's post was accidentally inspirational. I did not set out to uplift anyone, for that is not what we do here. Every day, I try to communicate my special brand of curmudgeonry to readers, but sometimes I fail, and readers are uplifted instead.

Yesterday's video, I felt, demonstrated that there is no shortage of talented musicians, only a shortage of avenues through which talented musicians can reach an audience, and that the committee-chosen and committee-made music that is produced for our consumption is a shadow of the music that was once made for all, by all, in days of yore. It was a message of despair in this, the darkest age of Man.

Despite my best efforts, some found the video inspirational. As they say: individual responses may vary. I can only hope that today I have introduced a little despair into readers' lives.

December 8, 2008

I notice that bloggers will sometimes post a video of a popular rock combo performing one of their hit numbers. It is de rigueur for musical acts today to create a "music video" in which they perform humorous antics while lip syncing one of their songs. You may have seen one of these "videos."

For example, blogger Ashley posted a video by The All-American Rejects, which I quickly deduced was the name of a band. Like a good blog reader, I watched/listened to the video, which appeared to be about young fashion models and the various emotions they experience.

Blogger L posted a video by Vampire Weekend, which I also deduced was the name of a band. This energetic rock combo are considerably less frightening than average; I found their video intriguing but wished it was possible to understand the words that came out of their mouths.

Psychologists tell us that music serves a similar purpose for everyone, but different people require different kinds of music to get the job done. Since I haven't owned a radio in twenty years, and I get confused and frightened by iTunes, I must turn to YouTube for information on happenings in the world of music. From thence I bring you this:

December 5, 2008

We received a new subscription order for OPE zine yesterday through Old Tyme mail. OPE zine is now read and presumably enjoyed on three continents again. It was quite a blow when we lost our Australian subscriber (and the associated continent) in 2007. That same year, we realized that we would probably never secure Antarctic subscribers. But the continents of South America and Africa still hold millions of potential subscribers, especially in English-speaking areas.

Of course, we welcome any and all subscription orders, even those which do not help us conquer fresh continents. The upcoming 4th annual Death/Christmas issue will contain my annual Christmas letter (particularly popular in Asia), as well as the future classic "Kurt's Death Bed."

Our latest subscriber remitted payment in my most favorite form, the cash-stuffed envelope. With PayPal now stealing a substantial portion of every payment I receive (and becoming less like a "pal" than ever), there has never been a better time to use the CSE. Simply locate an envelope, stuff it with cash ($4) and mail it c/o Kurt at OPE. Stuff $5 in your envelope and receive a free surprise!*



*we cannot guarantee that you will be surprised.

December 4, 2008

Work has begun on issue #22 of Other People Exist zine, the 4th annual Death/Christmas issue, made possible by the death of others. This promises to be the most heartwarming Death/Christmas issue ever. Get your order in now before the lengthy photocopying/stapling/enveloping process begins. Copies of OPE zine are still just $4.

Note: I cannot guarantee that your subscription payment will be spent on personal necessities such as food, clothing, and required medications; it may be spent on personal leisure trips, optional beverages, or off-track betting. All received moneys are deposited into one pool from which I withdraw funds for all my expenditures, therefore I cannot track which money is spent on what. You may end up paying for my back waxing.

December 3, 2008

Readers have complained bitterly that they should not have to pay to subscribe to OPE zine, since I obviously have the funds to travel to other countries and pilfer their drinking glasses, which I assumed were complimentary.

I don't see the connection between the two. The quality product I provide for purchase is either worth the price or it isn't; each subscriber must decide that for her/hisself, preferably after paying $4 for a sample copy. What I choose to do with any profits is irrelevant.

But you don't work - how can you afford to travel to exotic locales? people ask me. Well, all those years, when I was a lackey for The Man, I had something I called a savings account, because that's what the bank called it. I took the filthy lucre The Man paid me to crush the spirits of young children and placed it in this account, where it earned interest. After I resigned like a big baby, I lived off the moneys in this account.

I find that the less I spend, the slower the total in this account goes down. For example, I bought my last car for $2000, drove it for 7 years, and sold it for $1200 to an even bigger loser than me. One could take ten trips to Egypt on the money I didn't spend.

Another example: since I don't have a job, I can adjust my departure date to find the least expensive day to fly, and since I don't have people who care about me, that day can be Thanksgiving. You people with jobs and loved ones must travel when everyone else is traveling, when the fares are the highest.

Benjamin Franklin said "Watch your pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves." Then, later, he died.

December 2, 2008

Lord. 3 Blades.

Our reader Merle Sneed complained in a comment that I did not bring him anything from Egypt. In truth, I brought back very little from Egypt. I collected only the admission tickets to the sights, as they were attractive. Our tour guide provided us with many opportunities to buy total crap, but I passed every time. I don't buy crap at home; why would I buy it while traveling?

I learned that there are many words for "store" in Egypt; our group visited a "Carpet School," an "Alabaster Factory," a "Papyrus Institute" and a "Perfume Factory" which sold, respectively, carpets, alabaster, papyrus, and perfume. Quality was low and prices were high. Our felucca pilot even took a break from steering to lay out a selection of jewelery for our perusal. "Felucca" apparently means "store" as well in Egypt.

We were often hit up to buy gold and silver, and we were assured that the shop was a "government shop." We were even shown an official certificate with the word Guarentee printed clearly on it. Yet I did not buy.

The nicest thing I saw on the trip were the drinking glasses in the sleeper train. I found them to be well-designed, with an attractive logo. They made the perfect souvenir from the trip.


Complimentary (I assume) glasses

Good news: Taarzaan is posting regularly to his blog once again, so OPE readers who enjoyed his posts can get their fill here.

December 1, 2008

(click to enlarge)


Thank you Taarzaan for helming OPE while I was allegedly away. You have always provided quality content for OPE at reasonable prices. I always enjoy having you guest post, even though it means dealing with an uppity Todd and having to reorganize my unmentionables upon my return.

I shall not dwell on the thrilling details of my trip, for that is not what we do here, I will only clarify a few things from Friday's photos. The woman with the smeary face was not my companion, but one of the sixteen members of my tour group. In real life, her face is not smeary; I altered the photo so as not to increase her Internet presence.

And though the air quality and climate in Egypt do interact to create much activity inside the tourist's nose, it happens that, in the penultimate photo, I was only feigning nose-picking for humorous purposes. Sorry to disappoint.

One story:
Whilst taking the trolley from the parking lot to one of the more spectacular temples, I was unfortunately seated in the first car, with the exhaust fumes from the towing vehicle piping directly in my face. It became necessary to escape the vehicle. Two other passengers had already leapt gracefully from our car, and I thought to myself leaping from a moving trolley appears to be very easy - I can do that too. It is not clear what happened next, but witnesses claimed I stepped sideways off the vehicle, putting me in a disadvantageous position once my feet met the ground. I only remember knowing upon landing that things would not work out, then waiting patiently for the results, as dictated by the laws of physics. Fortunately, all that was hurt was my pride, and possibly my brain meat.

(click to enlarge)

The members of my tour group at the Sphinx