November 28, 2008

(Click to enlarge)

There is much to think about


Smiting


A beautiful felucca on the Nile (background)


In my element

November 27, 2008

" I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places"........................like the comments thingy, and your various blogs, and even my own mothballed IRBHN.

It's been ultra groovetastic dishing the B.S., dropping the occasional F-bomb, and generally playing fast and loose with Kurt's patience, goodwill, and reputation, but now it is time to turn off all the taps, unplug/switch off all the appliances (Kurt is going to have an epic electric bill), and help Todd accept the fact that our fun-filled time together is drawing to a close. I think we have time for one last "game of chess"--he's been working really diligently on the costumes--little pilgrims, wee Indians, and lots and lots of space aliens--we're doing "The First Thanksgiving in Roswell"--can you say "turkey probe"? Todd can.

My thanks to you, gentle OPE readers, for your kind indulgence and funny comments, and do send your blog roast contributions to the e-mail thingy. Julia got first submission credit, and emma won most poetic(suggestive limmericks).

......................I'll be looking at the stars, but I'll be seeiing yooooooooooouuuu!!! (Crappy eyesight in my old age, or maybe it's just the hallucinations)

November 26, 2008

Via Independent Television News Limited, UK

“Judge Paul Sacco, in Fort Lupton, Colorado, makes teen noise polluters sit in a locked room and listen to the Barry Manilow hit Copacabana for a whole hour at full volume.

Judge Sacco says it has helped cut the number of repeat offenders in the town.”

(Image Via: Mother Jones)

We asked a panel of experts for their opinions on the matter:

B. Obama, President Elect: Great. After I’ve gone on record saying “The U.S. doesn’t torture”, this happens. Thanks a lot.

Amnesty International: This is a real set back in human rights. We plan to intervene at the first mention of Celine Dion.

The Marquis De Sade (via ouija board): Mon Dieu! C’et mec—he makes me look like the rank amateur! I bow to your superieur cruelty, Monsieur!

Taarzaan: I don’t remember this guy at any of the Brutality Therapy seminars, so you can’t pin this one on me.

A weeping, distraught Barry Manilow was unavailable for comment.

November 25, 2008

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes! Goodness--first we disturb your sleep with visions of Kurt creeping up on you with a knife in his teeth--now we've compounded it with a new fear--breakfast in bed from Taarzaan. Fear not, gentle reader--I'm just a year short of four full decades of non-violence. Still, my friends often say to me "Remind me to never piss you off", to which I can only reply: "Who says you haven't already?". Reader contributions to Kurt's tribute roast are trickling in--many thanks! We hope to bring an uncharacteristic smile to our Kurt's features, that is if the requisite muscles have not yet atrophied. Send your grin inducing composition to fourfoxache@yahoo.com (yes--I know--it sounds like"for fuck's sake"--that was the idea)

November 24, 2008

How was your weekend? Busy working on your tribute to Kurt? Reader Julia gets a gold star for promptness--she was first to send in her submission--thanks, Julia! I'm looking forward to hearing from the rest of you--don't be shy! Think of it as writing a slightly longer comment...........

We her at OPE (Todd and myself) spent our time preparing an extra special surprise for our dear despot, blogdom’s Kurt Xxxx, instead of getting tossed out of stripclubs and banned from Denny’s for life, like some people. Some people that exist, even……….

If Freudian psychoanalysis is to be believed, then there are no accidents, everything one does or says is deeply significant, and it grows ever more obvious that Kurt left Todd in my care because he wants to suffer for his sins. I’m game.

Todd, as you well know by now, is a sweet, trusting soul who only wants to please others. Years of exploitation and humiliation at the hands of a certain person have left him with a deep stratum of seething rage that I am simply unwilling to leave unmined, so I have been gently tutoring him in techniques of a modality I invented in my youth---Brutality Therapy.

Combining Todd’s desire to please with his thirst for revenge was at first a challenge, right up until I whipped out the drugs and hypnosis. After that it was no trouble at all for us to concoct a little program for Kurt’s homecoming we call

(Snap! Crackle! Pain!)

"Breakfast in Bed"

Ingredients:

One economy size box of puffed rice cereal

One gallon ice cold milk in a wide mouth metal pitcher

One tyrant deeply asleep

1. Creep into tyrant’s bedchamber with cereal and milk.

2. Dump box of crisp rice on sleeping fiend

3. Simultaneously empty milk onto drowsing bully while shouting

“Break-fast in bed, mother blogger!! Snap! Crackle!

Pop!”--as you

4. Beat wet, startled abuser about head and shoulders with metal pitcher until sleep returns.

5. Deny everything.

What? What’s with the look? Did I leave something out? Where’s everyone going?

Probably to the store----for cereal and milk.

November 22, 2008

Gentle Readers,
As reader Julia so mindfully pointed out, roasts are held for people with their consent.
And considering my obsession with ethics (almost a fetish), and Kurt's sensitivity (and propensity for revenge) , I shall collect your contributions, ask permission from Kurt, and post it all (hopefully with Kurt's rebuttal) at
I'd Rather Be Here Now.
So--don't delay! Send your contributions--however brief,slanderous, or "dis-Kurt-ious" to:

fourfoxache@yahoo.com

We'll be back Monday with a special report on Todd, and his extra special welcome home surprise.

November 21, 2008

Gentle Readers:

We’ve been together for a bit more than one week today, and we stand just past the half way mark of our time together (I promise).

Reader Megan raised the topic of extortion in her comment of yesterday, prompting me to mine the murky depths of my own blog—long neglected--- for the following post on the very topic. Remember—reuse/recycle/slack off.

Gentility

It makes me sad to see good manners and taste recede into the mists of time. Ironic is the new sincere, and random is the new thoughtful. Are we past the age of the thank you note? I recall a day when a simple, tasteful note of thanks, printed in black on cream card stock, was as much a part of any event as the hangover, or making bail. My 20-something friends--the little vulgarian fucks--at utterly at sea when it comes to proper expressions of gratitude. The finer points of expression, the necessary bases to cover--all the major components of a well crafted missive of thanks giving---you couldn't drag out of a young person using a pair of pliers and a blow torch. Believe me, I've tried. So rather than simply cursing the gloom, I shall light this wee candle, in the form of an example of the lost art of saying "thanks". Take notes.

Dear Tamika,
Enclosed please find your monthly payment of $350. Thank you so much for keeping quiet about those films I did back in the 80's, back when I needed money to pay off those gambling debts. I'm also really grateful for your continued silence on the topic of those 7 people and that llama that met their end at my hands back in Nebraska. You know, I still feel bad about that llama. You know how much I love animals. I never would have opened fire, if it hadn't been for the two hiding behind it. I'm afraid my combined hatreds of redneck militias and the polka collided fatally that day. I still sometimes see that poor llama's wee camel-ly face in my mind's eye, and shed a silent tear of regret. Something came over me, and I "lost my religion". You know, girl---you were there. You alone live to tell the tale. Except that you won't. Tell, that is.

I must remark how pleasant it is being blackmailed by you. Your rates are reasonable, and you are reliably discrete. I hope you are doing well. I've come to think of you as a friend and confidant that I pay. It would truly be a tragedy to have to "terminate" our relationship. But that won't be needing to happen, now--will it?
Yours in Christ,
"Mum"

The astute reader may have noticed the complete lack of Kurt references in today's post, to which we reply:

Kurt-Kurt-Kurty-Kurt-Kurt.

Happy now?

I would like to give Kurt a warm homecoming, beyond the high utilities bill and an uncooperative Todd. May I propose a "roast"? You know, one of those things where someone is paid tribute to/slagged off on by his friends/acquaintances/debtors? Seeing how next Thursday is both my last day to post here, and Thanksgiving here in the nation of Kurtania, do lets roast the biggest turkey available--our own dear blogmaster-in-chief. Send your contribution to my stalker-proof e-mail:

fourfoxache@yahoo.com.

And remember the guidelines--ix-nay on the noo-noos/dinguses, glyph-words et al, blah blah blah..............other than that, feel free to be as obsequious and/or vicious as you like.

November 20, 2008

sssssssssssssssssshhhh!! don’t wake Todd….he’s just dropped of to sleep, after an epic “game of chess” (this time, we re-enacted 1996’s Holiday Depression Variety Special, hosted by Steven Wright, with musical guest Tracy Chapman), so I’ll need to blog quietly.

My listless, half-assed snooping efforts have failed to turn up anything truly devastating, and that’s sad. (Sorry—still feeling the “chess game”). But in the spirit of good old American yellow journalism, when confronted by a dearth of facts, one must resort to---wild speculation (and outright lies, if called for).

Just what is this hidden source of wealth that allows Kurt to travel the globe, like a surly Santa Claus, delivering withering contempt to all the boys and girls and transgendered persons of the world? My guess—royalties.

It is a little known fact that Kurt’s very first attempt at “cartooning” remains to this very day on a cave wall in France. Scholars the world around speculate as to its exact significance, politely overlooking the fact that it isn’t very good. Still, postcard and t-shirt revenues come trickling in………………

(Its supposed to be a bunny rabbit)

Reader Tony’s comment of yesterday reminded me of the various works of fiction that Kurt served as inspiration for. Here’s just a few:

Doctor Who: Was originally called “Doctor WTF”, and the companions only made coffee and fluffed pillows. Eventually, Kurt’s character was split into The Doctor/The Master (originally called “The Blogmaster).

Dracula: The brides were originally interns, Renfield made coffee, and Jonathan Harker was a guest blogger sitting in for a couple of weeks.

The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde: Robert Louis Stevenson was inspired to write this after witnessing one of Kurt’s wild mood swings.

November 19, 2008

In an ironic turn of events---given that the title of this blog is “Other People Exist”—

some readers have begun to express doubts as to the actual existence of Kurt Xxxx.

Yes, Virginia---there is a Kurt.

And, no—I haven’t “done away with him”, nor do I have him tied up ala James Caan in Misery----but thanks for the suggestion!

Kurt will return from his travels on the night of Thanksgiving---we hope he’ll have some choice words about spending the holiday in flight, and the poor quality of airline turkey dinners. (A cranky Kurt is a funny Kurt, unless you are in close proximity).

Meanwhile, let us explore the timeline of Citizen Kurt

The Big Bang: Kurt writes his first blog post, complaining about the noise. When he realizes there are neither interwebs, nor any readers in existence yet, he becomes quite bitter. This sets the tone for the rest of history. (The blog was originally called “Other People Have Not Yet Begun to Exist, And I Do Wish They Would Hurry Up Already, Because Complaining to Myself Is Quite Unsatisfying.)

Carboniferous-Through-Cretaceous Eras: Dinosaurs evolve, and then become extinct, just to avoid any more of Kurt’s unholy whining. (There is only so much a giant reptile can endure).

Ancient Egypt: A dormant Kurt is discovered slumbering in a rock quarry, is enthroned as a living god, and given a cup of coffee. This sets his expectations for the rest of recorded history.

Victorian England, Whitechapel: Some things are best left unsolved…………..besides, she started it…………………………and her, and her, and so on………………………

To be continued (unless I don’t feel like it)

November 18, 2008

If it weren’t fall, I could call it “spring cleaning”. We’ll have to be content with “fall snooping”.

The place has never been cleaner---except for spring ’06, when I tossed the place like a salad in an earthquake, looking for my BEA award(see archives for gory details).

Once again, Todd and I have gone through all the cupboards, swept the chimney, dismantled the compost pile, mined the pillow pile, and searched the attic (nothing unexpected there—chalk circle on the floor, candle stubs, blood stains—the usual).

We found a couple of items to offer up for public scrutiny/ridicule:

First, we have Kurt’s prototype for his new line of OPE scented candles...............

(It's "dusty monitor" scented)

......and finally, we offer the following hemi-post, discovered at the bottom of Kurt's pillow pile:

Blogging For The Extremely Paranoid

So—you’re willing to risk inciting the wrath of the Illuminati and Tri-Lateral Commission. May as well—they hate you anyway.

By now you have constructed your bunny trail of identity obfuscation. Creating one phony e-mail identity, only to establish another, leading to another, and so on. You probably think you are untraceable. That’s what they want you to think.

Considering your doomed state, it almost seems pointless giving you advice. Still, it is better to light a single candle that to curse the black helicopters tracking your every move.

Q: Am I safe blogging from a public terminal—say, at the library? Will that make it harder for them to trace me?

A: You fool. The library is just a front for the Marie Calendar Organization. And who they front for, we dare not say. Try blogging from your enemy’s computer. Put those stalking skills to good use.

“Q””:” “Should” “I” “use” “ironic” “quotation” “marks””?”

A: Naïve idiot. You “think” that your “quotation marks” will give you an “out” when the conspiracy “gets” you. You “think” you’ll be “able” to “explain away” your expressions of “truth” by claiming use of “irony”. Well, when you’re sitting in room 101 of the Department of Love, with the rat cage strapped to your face, remember that rats don’t read. And rat bites look a bit like “quotation marks”.

November 17, 2008

Oh my goodness me. It seems I have completely forgotten my manners.

Did I really just come bounding in and begin posting, without so much as a “How do you do”?

That was rather boorish of me. I beg your pardon!

Thank you all for such a warm welcome, and for those of you wondering if this is just another ruse by that rascal Kurt, let me just say—we’ve all been hurt by Kurt’s lies and skulduggery, so I don’t blame you for being a bit suspicious. Who among us has been spared the abuse, manipulation and intimidation tactics that we’ve all come to call “pulling a Kurt”? Who among us has never had a drunken Kurt hold a gun to our heads, demanding that we sing 80’s pop hits? I’m not seeing any hands in the air, and that is precisely my point.

We keep up with Kurt’s blog out of fear. We all feel more comfortable knowing that he’s in his major American city, posting his bitter little diatribes---they say “keep your friends close, your enemies closer”. The thought that he has exited his den, and might be--even now--- creeping up behind you, a knife in his teeth…………………..chilling!

BEHIND YOU!! IT’S KURT!!!!!

Tell me you didn’t look.

Snooping, dirt, and recriminations--------- all coming soon.

What do you mean, “stalling”?

November 14, 2008

THINGS TO DO BEFORE EMBARKING ON INVESTIGATION OF

KURT Xxxx

1. Shop.

That empty ‘fridge isn’t going to fill itself, and Todd is all out of his favorite juice box and Lunchables. Also, be sure to get enough cleaning supplies to sort out that awful odor in the tub

2. Clean tub.

Nothing brings back memories of the bad old days like that tell-tale aroma of hydrochloric acid and human remains. But at least I know what happened to the other interns now.

3. Play chess with Todd.

Todd’s concept of “playing chess” involves devising wee paper costumes for the pieces, and staging elaborate pageants with them. Last time, we re-enacted “The Sound of Music”, as performed by Cirque du Soliel . Todd hummed the complete score, and when it came time for “the Lonely Goatherd”, he yodeled surprisingly well. (Yodeling is always a surprise.) This time he wants to do “Riverdance: On Ice!”

4. Find new ways to waste energy/leave Kurt with a crippling utilities bill next month.

Every light switched on, every plug and every appliance in use, all taps running steadily.

5. Extract fresh Todd DNA for a new flurry of cloning.

The last batch turned out…………….interestingly.

6. Dinner

I’m thinking Sheppard’s pie tonight, with maybe a nice pumpkin crème brulle’. Also, bake something yummy for that nice golf playing chimpanzee---he misses Kurt. In fact, everyone gets popcorn balls. That’s just how I roll…………………oh, yeah--make rolls.

7. Todd’s bedtime story

Shocking lack of the classics here at OPE. No La Bas, Autobiography of a Flea, Story of O, Diary of a Drug Fiend, Chicken Soup for the Sadistic Soul---just every Reader’s Digest Condensed Edition ever published, some 70’s Highlites for Children, and Mein Kampf. Glad I brought along Tristram Shandy. I’m fairly certain Todd only listens to the tone of my voice, rather than the actual words.

8. Finish unpacking/cleaning weapons.

November 13, 2008

(part of an image found by "googling"OPE)

One would think, given the emptiness of the OPE ‘fridge, the shocking state of the tub, and the almost constant effort required to restore Todd’s psyche to it’s pre-internship level of rebelliousness, that certain Bloggers would relax their absurdly rigid rules of conduct.

Seriously! “No pictures of noo-noos or dinguses”. No using “the M-word”, “the Th-word”, or that other word (a word so smutty that it resulted in the elimination of the 27^th letter of the alphabet in order to suppress even oblique reference; a malediction simply known by adherents of hideous perversions too salacious to be tolerated as “the glyph-word). No memes. No embedded videos from YouTube. Only use the f-word sparingly, for fucks sake. No, no, no, no, no.

Who is this Kurt Xxxx, anyway? How is it, given his spotty work record and the fact that OPE’s print edition sells for $4 USD --to a limited readership-- that he is able to travel as often as he does? Is his line of OPE products (available from Café Press) selling better than the ‘zine? Or, is he in fact a highly paid “companion”, traveling the globe to peddle his tawdry wares ( see above reference to “the glyph word”), like some cyber-Blanche Dubois, depending on the kindness of strangers and their willingness to pay extra for his silence? Or is there a darker, smuttier, more sinister explanation? We will, in the days to come, explore the life and works of Kurt Xxxx.

Unless I don’t feel like it.

Set the coffee maker to “stun”, Todd—I got some snoopin’ to do……………….

November 12, 2008

Good news. Our blogger friend Trey has stepped forward and offered to take the helm here at OPE in my absence. This is good news for everyone who requires fresh content at OPE to feel complete.

Trey (AKA Taarzaan) has taken the helm before, and he always treats Todd with respect and dignity when he is here, but we continue to have him back anyway. I won't tell you what a hassle it has been retraining Todd after he has experienced Trey's permissive management style. Upon my return, Todd often rebels for a short time, refusing to eat sandwiches with crusts, or making a huffing noise when asked to do his contracted duties such as sweeping, shoe-tying, and testing the threat level of strange dogs.

But we like having Trey substitute at OPE because of his high post quality and because he works for free. So welcome Trey. Sorry the fridge is empty and the tub has that smell.


"Trey" hard at work on a post

November 11, 2008

Tomorrow, I will be traveling via jet airplane to a country that is famous for its ta'amiyya, its fuul, and its large pyramids. This trip will last a fortnight, and afterward I will return by aircraft to my city of origin.

It is unlikely that I will be able to post to OPE whilst in my destination country, but readers can take heart in knowing that I will be gaining valuable life experience which will only deepen my art.

The result will be more thoughtful and perceptive posts, so much so that many of you will probably not be able to understand them and I will have to get new, better readers. But the point is: it's all for the better.

And then we die.

November 10, 2008

Readers may recall me mentioning that I still write and receive letters via the US Mail service. Although Old Tyme mail travels slower, it is easier to read while lying on one's pillow pile.

Emails tend to be shorter and less meaningful because they are usually composed while one is hunched over a desk doing permanent damage to one's spine and gut sack. I recently went to see my doctor because of sharp pains in my gut sack, and he said I was fine. Except for the sharp pains.

This Saturday, I received a handwritten letter, and I took it to my pillow pile and read it leisurely in a reclining position. This is a pleasant way to spend half an hour whilst also relieving the pressure on one's aching gut sack. I immediately composed a response and posted it in the next day's mail. Through the miracle of automation, the recipient can expect my response to be delivered in ten to fourteen days.

Many of you may still own a pen and paper or may have an older relative who can loan them to you. Doctors say it is perfectly safe to start using atrophied writing muscles again, even after years of disuse. Why not write a letter to a friend or loved one today?

November 7, 2008

There was no new feedback regarding issue #21 of OPE zine, nor were there any additional orders for the new issue, even after yesterday's post in which I blatantly fished for compliments and advertised OPE's low low price of $4. So by way of pouting, I will be cutting short today's post and instead publishing a humorous photo of a puppy/small dog in a hot dog bun. Enjoy.

November 6, 2008

Issue #21 of OPE zine has by now reached all of its domestic subscribers. Non-subscribers may wonder why anyone would keep vigil by their mailbox through rain and cold whilst OPE zine works its way through the mail stream, but that's only because they have never read a copy. $4 will fix that.

We have received feedback from two of our most thoughtful subscribers. One wrote:

Really liked this issue. Wow, issue #21. Congratulations, OPE is now an adult!!!

The near-silence from the rest of our readership could be due to the excitement surrounding the election of our new President. I know I am excited to finally have a President who knows how to pronounce big words. It makes Americans look a lot less stupid.

We do have a few extra copies of issue #21 available for the low low price of just $4. We accept paypal as well as cash-stuffed envelopes.


A dedicated subscriber mid-vigil

November 5, 2008

Some of you may know that we have elected a new President here in the United States, the Democrat Barack Obama. Several readers have emailed asking Does this mean that my heterosexual marriage has been nullified?

Yes, that's exactly what it means. You must choose a same sex partner within the next 90 days, then register your new marriage at your local mosque.

Also, you may finish the gas that is currently in your gas tank, but once that is gone, please begin taking your assigned bus. Your new hemp-based reusable grocery bags should arrive in the next ten days.

Should you feel sick, please report to your nearest government-owned doctor's office and wait outside all day in the cold for inferior care.

More changes as they come.

November 4, 2008

Record number of voters expected at polls
"Some of them are aliens," schizophrenics insist

Long lines greeted voters Tuesday as polls were deluged by people who heard about the free giveaways from Starbucks, Ben and Jerry's, and especially Krispy Kreme.

Uninformed voters who had planned to skip the election say that now they are voting because of the free donuts and coffee.

"I waited three hours to vote first thing this morning," said uninvolved citizen and vintage gum collector Tina Reffett. "I wrote in Tom Selleck for president."

Georgia state law, however, makes it a felony to give money or gifts "for the purpose of voting."

The secretary of state's office issued a statement that read: "Businesses are free to offer 'Election Day' specials or sales, discounted services such as back massages, pony rides, and scrotal tattoos, but gifts are prohibited."

At Starbucks, which promised a free "tall" coffee today to anyone displaying an "I Voted" sticker, free java now flows for all, and Krispy Kreme is no longer requiring the sticker either.

"You mean I missed The View for nothing!" Reffett said.

November 3, 2008

P@lin advises Tina Fey to keep the 'Sarah outfit'

Gov. Sarah P@lin had some advice for Tina Fey at a rally in Columbus, Ohio, Sunday night: hang on to that Sarah P@lin outfit.

"You are going to need that outfit so you can continue to impersonate me," P@lin explained, "because I am going to be vice president after this election."

A few in the crowd nodded in apparent understanding.

Fey has done an impression of the Alaska governor and future nobody in "Saturday Night Live" skits over the last two months.

The rally began with Country star Gretchen Wilson unironically performing her hit "Redneck Woman" with P@lin looking on and practicing her Tina Fey line over and over in her head.

"Let me get a big 'Hell, yeah' from the redneck girls like me," Wilson sang.

Rally goers responded, appropriately, "Hell yeah!"

Despite the free admission, the crowd at Canton Memorial Fieldhouse in northeastern Ohio was estimated at just 3,000.

"It ain't the song," Wilson said.