July 31, 2008

For those of you who do not live in the famous American City where I live, I thought today I would give you a taste of some of the excitement we who dwell here experience every day.

Normally, during the summer months, I hover next to the air conditioner and pray for time to pass more speedily. However, an old friend came to town, one who I met when, through a clerical error, I was allowed to teach small children, and I wanted to show him a good time, so we made a small tour of some of the rooftop bars of this greatish city.

Rooftops bars (or lounges, as they say in these parts) offer stunning views of the city, and because of the ridiculous prices, an exclusive clientele. At our first stop, we were not immediately identified as losers, and though we ordered the least expensive drink we could find (a bottle of beer) they still allowed us to stay and the appreciate the view.

At our second stop, the hostess quickly ascertained who she was dealing with, and told us there was a fifteen minute wait for a table in the half-empty bar. Since we have no pride, we waited, then pleasantly accepted a table far away from the people who matter (and the view). We made our standard order (two of the least expensive beers), and acted as though we were thrilled about the location of our table. Afterward, we quietly fled.

In case you were wondering, I will now reveal the average price of one cocktail in such an establishment. Please hold onto something to steady yourself first. $25. Also, in case you were wondering, I will reveal the name of one famous person I saw: Dennis Farina.

Please leave your questions in the comment area.


1st establishment


2nd establishment

July 30, 2008

Today, we made a simple apricot clafouti. Stone fruits are in season, and apricots happen to be my favorite fruit (after the fruit of my labor)!

Clafoutis are excellent for those seeking an alternative to stuffing their face full of pies and cakes. They are made with fresh fruit, eggs, flour, milk and spices. Of course, we use all organic ingredients: whole wheat flour, milk from grass-fed cows*, and eggs from free roaming hens.

Some will laugh and say Your decision to use ingredients that contain no pesticides, herbicides, or sewage sludge is ridiculous, but I'm not sure why! But remember that this is the way all food was produced throughout all human history, until Mons@nto - in cooperation with the Masons - gained total control of our federal "government" and began implementation of their Master Plan.









*Milk from pastured cows also contains an ideal ratio of essential fatty acids or EFAs. There are two families of EFAs—omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids. Studies suggest that if your diet contains roughly equal amounts of these two fats, you will have a lower risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease, autoimmune disorders, allergies, obesity, diabetes, and dementia.

July 29, 2008

From the latest round of cartoon submissions:
(now removed)

July 28, 2008

I am sending out another round of cartoon submissions to some "alternative weeklies." This has required much envelope licking. I always buy the cheap Chinese envelopes at the 99-cent store, and I was concerned about the lead content in the envelope glue. When I asked for a volunteer from among the interns, one eager fellow yelled out something unintelligible that I took to be acquiescence, so I sat him at a table with a couple hundred envelopes and, after I demonstrated the procedure several times, he was able to lick all the rest himself.



As you may remember, after my first round of submissions, I had a cartoon published in a small magazine. There were no takers the last time around, and I have decided that if I don't hear back from any of these publications, I will give up like a big baby and focus on feeling sorry for myself. Wish me luck!

July 26, 2008

The flower pictured in today's post is a volunteer in the OPE gardens. Just looking at it, I'd say it is rare and tropical. We are considering charging the locals admission to view it. If you have any details on this flower, please leave them in the comments; this will help us to set our admission price.

July 25, 2008

Yesterday's visit to the Giant Cow changed me. I usually sleep in 'til one, but today I popped out of bed bright and early at ten o'clock and decided I wanted to do something as important as feeding and caring for a Giant Cow. Maybe I could even help people.

Did you know that in India, women aren't allowed to lay/lie in the grass?! This seems crazy to us in the U.S. because our parks are full of people lying in the grass reading, eating a sandwich, or mumbling obscenities to themselves.

This made me realize that we take so many of our rights for granted. Like our right to bear arms. In Texas, you can shoot anyone who comes on your property for any reason, even if they are just lying on your grass. That's freedom (although not for the people who get shot).

In the U.S., women can wear anything they want, even if it's trashy! And men can wear what they want, although if they want to be taken seriously, custom demands that they wear a suit and tie, the most uncomfortable, restricting clothes in the world.

I'm going to use those extra three hours of sunlight today to do some good in the world, perhaps by donating to Heifer International, who are helping "end world hunger and poverty through self-reliance & sustainability."


These women are free to get as much skin cancer as they like!

July 24, 2008

Todd and I heard on the news that The Giant Cow was coming to a field near us, so Todd packed a picnic lunch, and I put on clothes, and we headed out to see it.

We both already love cows, so we figured we'd enjoy the Giant Cow even more. The crowd was thin, and Tara, his handler, had plenty of time to answer my questions and reassure Todd.

Some Giant Cow info: His name is Chilli, and at 6' 6", the black and white Friesian bullock can cast quite a shadow over his cattle companions, depending on which direction the sun is coming from. Chilli is still growing, and Tara estimates that, come slaughtering day, he could yield as many as 1,000 steaks!

Tara hopes to get Chilli into the Guinness Book of Records before then, if not as Biggest Cow, then perhaps in another category, such as Most Live Rattlesnakes Held in the Mouth (current record: ten).

We had a lovely time visiting Chilli, though Todd was disappointed that they weren't giving rides. I suggested we go out for milkshakes afterward, and Todd asked why.

July 23, 2008

The pleasures of age

Thank you to everyone for the unwarranted concern after yesterday's post. We are not sure what we said that caused such an outpouring of misdirected concern. I only wished to recognize some of the pleasures that are unique to my current stage of life. Though, with age, I no longer enjoy doing things, I have discovered new pleasures, such as the pleasure of facilitating another's enjoyment of the world.

Louis Menand said it better in The New Yorker in 2006; that's probably why he gets paid to write and I don't.

Lydia Davis said something different but equally better than what I said in the following short story:

Happiest Moment
If you ask her what is a favorite story she has written, she will hesitate for a long time and then say it may be this story that she read in a book once: an English language teacher in China asked his Chinese student to say what was the happiest moment in his life. The student hesitated for a long time. At last he smiled with embarrassment and said that his wife had once gone to Beijing and eaten duck there, and she often told him about it, and he would have to say the happiest moment of his life was her trip, and the eating of the duck.

©Lydia Davis, reprinted without permission, buy the book here.

July 22, 2008

Things have suddenly gotten busy here at the OPE offices. A young, enthusiastic American is staying in our guest room, and his energy and vibrancy, though it hasn't rubbed off, is pleasurable to observe. Although I no longer enjoy life myself, I find that I can at least enjoy watching someone who still enjoys life.

I like that I have reached the age when I can be a patron to the young. When I was young, I accepted many free rides, meals, nights on couches, etc., though I sometimes worried that I was an imposition. Now I understand that one of the only pleasures left to old people is giving to the young.

Perhaps you've admired something that belonged to an elder, and they surprised you by saying "take it." Now that I have lost my affection for the things of this world, I understand this desire to pass them on to someone who can still get pleasure from them.

This weekend, an old jaded Australian will be coming to visit as well, and I expect the two energies to cancel each other out, and the offices will be energy neutral.

July 21, 2008

Recently, I was going through my files, and I came across the photo series below [now removed]. Let me explain what it is:

At one time, due to a clerical error, I was allowed to teach small children. The error has since been corrected. One of my duties was keeping parents informed about what was going on in the classroom. I did this through the use of weekly newsletters, as well as through a presentation at Back-to-School Night, informal conversations with parents at pick-up time, phone calls, and much much more. Still, one parent came to me saying that she really didn't understand what her child did all day at school.

She was a lovely woman; I taught both her children before the clerical error was discovered, and they were both wonderful students. However, in order to stay sane, teachers must sometimes do little things to amuse themselves. I took the photos below and sent them to the parent, ostensibly to answer her question about what her child did all day, and she never brought the topic up again.

July 18, 2008

Excerpt: "Life with My Sister Madonna"
Now available in stores - only $26.00

The Lanesborough Hotel, London, England 8:40 A.M., September 26, 1993:

The Girlie Show tour, which I designed and directed with the help of a designer and director, opens tonight. Madonna is still fast asleep in a mahogany four-poster bed in her suite adjoining mine. Although Buckingham Palace, the queen of England's residence, is just across the road, in my estimation and that of millions of fans, she is the real queen of the universe.

Did that sound creepy? Because I don't want to sound creepy. I just have always thought Madonna was special, even when we were kids and I helped her dress. I loved doing the buttons. And brushing her hair.

My job description may not be conventional — no-talent hanger-on — but my ability to reassure my sister in times of trouble is one of the primary reasons I have my fake job.

This morning, I am confident that my sister is sleeping, a deep sleep. Her tightly wound high-octane energy means that when she is on the road, she sometimes takes a sleep aid, whether she knows it or not.

The pressure to perform, to entertain, and to simply remain Madonna is immeasurable, and even I — who am now the closest person on earth to the Queen of the World — can't truly fathom how it feels to walk in her size-seven shoes.

I mean that figuratively. The shoes themselves are very comfortable, at least from what I can tell in the few minutes I am able to be with them alone each day.

I flick through CNN for five minutes. Then I open the adjoining door to Madonna's suite, acting as though I haven't been peering in on her throughout the night.

"Zup, Madonna?" I try to say like a normal person.

She nods.

Like our father, a man of few words, neither of us have any use for small talk. We know each other's gestures by heart and can decode them with unerring accuracy. For example, when she sighs and holds her head in her hands, it means she is tired of me trying to touch her hair.

July 17, 2008

Today's blog theme is HOME.

As previously mentioned, my home for about a year was a 1970 VW van. It had a comfortable fold-out bed, a stove, and a small toilet. Except for the size, it really wasn't any different from my other homes over the years in that they were all temporary and they were the best that I could afford.

Based on my financial history, and factoring in my earning power, I have determined that there will probably be a mobile home in my future. A friend of mine purchased a lovely single wide with a garden in an attractive park, and that fact has brought me great comfort.

I keep my eye out for nice mobile home parks whenever I am traveling. I'd prefer a park without meth labs or yelling. I once saw a lovely park in eastern Oregon by a river, and when I lie awake at nights wondering how/where/when my life went tragically wrong, I sometimes think of that park and the palpitations stop.

July 16, 2008

Recently, I visited the optometrist with someone who requires corrective lenses. Whilst she made an appointment at the counter, I guarded the granny cart* and fended off the many offers of assistance from frame salespersons. Judging by the prices, and the number of staff the store supported, it would appear that, next to cell phones, designer frames have the largest markup of any retail product.

A "mother" was there with her daughter trying to help her pick between two frame models: a $300 pair, with a fairly good sized Dolce written on the side, and a $600, even more gaudy, pair, with a giant rhinestoned DG on the side. They kept looking at me, perhaps for the man's perspective, but I didn't see a man nearby, so I kept quiet. How could I tell an attractive young teenager that the idea of paying $300 for a pair of designer frames sickens me, that it represents everything that is wrong with our world, and that I would prefer to turn and flee than discuss her glasses choices with her?

When I was comin up, I don't recall people being so excited about logos or so enthusiastic about offering their bodies as free advertising spaces for various worthless products. People purchased items for reasons of status - those that could afford to - and the rest of us bought what we could afford.

I suppose if you really believe that someone with superior aesthetic sense (perhaps Mr. Gabbana himself!) spent many years perfecting the most beautiful frame designs, and the result of his/her years of experience is the frames you are holding in your hand, then you should probably spend the $600. I happen to think that a giant rhinestoned DG is evidence that beauty was not the main goal of the designer.

BTW, Costco offers "designer" frames starting at $9.97.



*granny carts are how those of us who live in this famous American city transport all our large purchases.

July 15, 2008

Ciccone Book Hits Stores Today
In Case You Forgot

The release of "Life with My Sister Madonna" — the tell-all book from the Material Girl's brother, Christopher Ciccone — couldn't have been better timed.

"I couldn't have predicted that my sister's life would be falling apart on the day my book is being released," Ciccone said today, "It's just a fortunate coincidence."

So troubled is Madonna's life that Ciccone's book received an initial print run of 350,000 copies.

Ciccone, an "artist" and interior decorator, has been Madonna's backup dancer, her dresser, and later her designer. But when Madonna stopped giving him jobs just because he was her brother, he was forced to write a tell-all book.

"I can't wait to find out what Madonna is really like," said crazed fan Tina Reffett, who camped outside her local Barnes and Noble bookstore for three days, despite the fact that there was no line.

"Who better than a family member to give insight into what a celebrity is like," said Toto Lee Evel, an editor at US Weekly. "And who better than bored losers to read it?"

Of course, it's Madonna's love life that readers want the scoop on. "I want to know exactly what each of her boyfriends is like, but I don't know why!" Reffett said.

Curiously, when talk show host and publishers' biggest booster Oprah Winfrey found out her father, Vernon, was shopping around a memoir about raising his famous daughter, "the book just went away," one insider said.

Oprah's father was allowed to live.

July 14, 2008

Chris Ciccone defends Madonna
But still resents the many noogies

The Material Girl's little brother Christopher Ciccone isn't buying into the rumors that she's behind the breakup of Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez.

Ciccone said in an interview on Good Morning America Monday "I think it's highly unlikely - now can we talk about my book?"

Ciccone, 47, spoke for the first time since his "book," Life with My Sister Madonna, made headlines.

The second part of Ciccone's interview will be aired Tuesday, coincidentally the same day the book hits stores!

Ciccone and Madonna were once inseparable. His bedroom was just down the hall from hers for fourteen years, and they shared the back seat of the family's station wagon on many drives, from quick trips to the store to longer drives to visit family.

However, their relationship began to fray when Madonna started dating Guy Ritchie.

Ritchie and Ciccone are not friendly, nor were they ever. In his book, due out Tuesday, Ciccone details how Ritchie would insist that Madonna sit next to him in the car, leaving Ciccone sitting by himself.

There was also an incident in which Ritchie drove his car within a foot of Ciccone's foot. "Had he driven his car more thirteen or fourteen inches closer, it would have smooshed my foot a little!" Ciccone claims.

Last week, Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg told the Associated Press that Madonna had not read the book because it had not been released yet. The book comes out Tuesday.

Ciccone said the book - which comes out Tuesday - is not about getting revenge for the way he's been treated. It's a way for him to make huge sums of money while doing as little work as possible.

July 12, 2008

Todd seemed fully recovered from his stingray bite this morning (when I yelled Todd!, he said What!), so today we made another of our nature trips. As you probably know, this is the time of year when starlings flock to wherever they flock from wherever they begin. Our sources told us where we could observe a particularly impressive swarm.



Todd was a bit scared until I told him that birds don't bite. But it made me think of what those in the education industry call an extension activity, so tonight we will have a showing of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Should be fun.

July 11, 2008

From an email sent out yesterday to certain people:

Dear former OPE subscriber,
We understand that you have very good reasons for not renewing your subscription to OPE zine. Many people say that they cannot justify spending $24 a year on OPE zine when money is so tight and the zine is not that good.

But we would like you to consider that there are other reasons for subscribing to OPE zine besides personal enjoyment. For example, you can think of your OPE subscription as helping to support artistic freedom. In this era of curtailed freedoms, we should be supporting those who make art and not focusing on the quality of that art or the level of talent of any one artist.

Here's another way to look at it. Your OPE subscription would help make it possible for me to live freely and enjoy the lifestyle I desire. While you are toiling away at your mindless job that is eating away at your core, you can think of me and rise momentarily above the dreariness of your existence. You have the power to make at least one of us happy; why not use it?

We understand that money is an issue, and so, for a limited time, we'll pay the postage for your subscription renewal! Simply remit $23.58 ($24.00 - $0.42 for one First Class stamp) and you'll receive one more year of OPE zine. An offer like this will not come along again, probably.

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Kurt


Eroding your core, 5 days a week

July 10, 2008

Today's blog theme is BIRTHDAY.

When I was assigned my new identity, I was given a new birthday, but I still fondly remember (but never speak of) my real birthday. When you think about it, though, which is my real birthday: the day I was born, or the day I have been claiming I was born - per my orders - for the last twelve years?

I've never liked when the people at work got together and signed a birthday card for me, especially since it wasn't really my birthday. Everyone would sign it, even the people who secretly despised me!

I believe we should acknowledge our friends year-round, and I enjoy giving gifts to my friends when it is not their birthday. In some ways, sending a card or gift on someone's birthday is a way we allay our guilt and give ourselves permission to neglect our friends the rest of the year. Or maybe that's just my friends.

I remember when a friend wanted to throw a party for my 40th birthday. I didn't have the heart (or the legal right) to tell him I was only 31. I turned down his offer, because I was hoping all my friends would want to spontaneously celebrate my birthday without being told to.

Fortunately, there was something good on Lifetime that night.

July 9, 2008

Reader feedback for issue #19 of OPE zine has been trickling in. Subscriber Mxxx wrote, in part:

Sirs;
While fully enjoying all previous issues of "Other People Exist" (OPE), and even laughing audibly or at least clucking approvingly, issue #19 makes me take pen in hand to recount the many things that really cracked me, the reader/stalwart subscribress, up.

She goes on to list a dozen or so specific examples of excellence from the latest issue. Her letter makes me think this issue was even better than I thought. This surprises me, because when I was working on this issue, I didn't notice myself caring any more than usual, or at all.

I should have known this issue was special during its proofreading session. My proofreader, when reviewing the latest issue, usually just says "that was funny" but, suspiciously, doesn't laugh. With this issue, my tally sheet indicates she laughed no fewer than 23 times. And this was not just polite laughter, as she doesn't care enough to do that.

There is still one copy left of issue #19 for those who want to read OPE zine while it is at its zenith. It is unlikely that it will ever be this good again. No matter how hard I try, issue #20 is bound to be a letdown.



The oeuvre

July 8, 2008

Todd was released from the hospital today. The doctors say he has recovered enough that it is unlikely they would be sued for discharging him. He entered the offices to cheers and congratulations from some.

The interns wanted to have a big cake and decorate Todd's coffee area with streamers, but I put a spending cap of $10 on the festivities, so we served Costco muffins on decorative napkins. Todd smiled a genuine smile of someone who has never seen a tray of Costco muffins before.

We gave Todd a chair so he could work at his coffee station without falling down, and I have to say that his coffee was every bit as good as when he doesn't have an infection. He's such a trooper that he fell asleep - or what looked like it - right at his station.


Everyone help yourself to half a muffin!

July 7, 2008

Not all the interns are working out as well as I'd hoped. I admit that when we interviewed this guy, I did not look closely at his tattoos. He was very personable and polite, and I remember that he did not drink his tea until I had taken my first sip.

Now that someone has pointed out the tats to me, I do sort of wish we hadn't hired him. While I agree with the sentiment his tats express, we at OPE are trying to downplay our attitude toward the normals so we can infiltrate their numbers and sabotage their soul-destroying work from the inside.

Another thing: he wasn't wearing the orange jumpsuit on the day of his interview, so he looked less prisoney. If he had worn the jumpsuit, I probably would not have hired him, but it's hard to say. He is pretty strong. He moved the fridge so Todd could vacuum behind it, and he carried a case of copy paper up from the basement. This is shit Todd isn't able to do, and I claim I can't.

Todd, by the way, is sitting up and speaking now, according to the interns. He will probably make a full recovery. Fortunately, I was able to cancel the Amazon order before it shipped. So everything worked out okay in the end.

July 4, 2008

I sent some OPE interns to the hospital today, and they reported that the gift balloon I sent Todd is still in good shape. It has only lost a little helium, and still has quite a bit of float left in it. Todd is also doing fine (stable, the doctors call it).

Although Todd fell out of bed the other night, he fell away from the gift balloon, so it was never in any danger. I put in a formal request to have Todd placed back in his bed, even though it's not covered by his HMO.

We're all rooting for Todd to get well soon and come back to us. But we went ahead and bought the coffee maker, so in case things end tragically, there will not be any interruption in our coffee sevice. It's what Todd would want.


Thanks to whoever got Todd the flowers

July 3, 2008

Today's blog theme is SHOES. Although I don't wear shoes around the house, I do wear them outside to protect my feet from pull tabs, bottle caps, and other items that might cut or poke.

I have had many fine pairs of shoes over the years, but after my arthroscopic knee surgery to repair my mutilated cartilage, I had to decide whether looking good was worth the terrible physical pain. It turns out that there is no benefit to looking good when you have a personality like mine. So now you will find me wearing "old man shoes" (no offense Merle) such as New Balance brand walking shoes* or similar cushy but unsightly models.

There was a time in my youth when I chose shoes for their styling, when I wanted to look like the cool people who all looked like each other. It reached the height of ludicrousness during the short period in which it became hip to wear bowling shoes, possibly because they better facilitated certain dance styles. I found a black pair at the thrift shop and wore them proudly whilst dancing to The Specials, The Beat, and The Selecter.

I see now that coolness is a kind of disease, and in the words of someone else, "When cool rules, warmth wanes." But I still like those bands.



more

*Made in the USA.

July 2, 2008

I sent an intern to check on Todd today, and he reports that Todd is recovering well from his Golden R@y sting. They say a positive attitude is important for ICU patients, especially ones that are hovering near death, so I sent Todd an encouraging balloon. They say he made a smile-like face when he saw it, which is good news for anyone that cares.

The doctors expect Todd to be up and around in a few days if he lives. I put one of those automatic coffee makers in my Amazon cart just in case. I can always delete it if Todd pulls through.

If you'd like to send Todd a get well note, email me and I'll find out the name of his hospital for you. I think it starts with an R. Maybe several readers could go in on one of those Get Well Teddy Bears; they were way out of my price range.

July 1, 2008

As you probably know, it's Golden R@y migration season, so Todd and I made our annual pilgrimage to wherever it is you have to go to see them. It was totally worth however long it took to get there.

Unfortunately, OPE no longer has an oceanographer on staff, but we identified the rays right away by their golden color and their huge numbers. This year, I remembered my camera, and in the picture below, you can almost see my foot.

Wikipedia tells us that "when threatened, their primary reaction is to swim away." While this may be generally true, it was not specifically true of the ray that Todd tried to pet. The results could have been tragic were it not for my impressive sucking abilities. I got the poison out, even with all of Todd's giggling.

(click to enlarge, do not click if you don't care)