June 30, 2008

We received a card today from an OPE subscriber that included a renewal check for $30: $24 for one standard subscription, and $6 as a "self-imposed late penalty." What can we say? When subscribers start penalizing themselves and remitting self-imposed fines, it is clear that we have done our work well.

I guess what makes me proudest is knowing that I have instilled in my readers a sense of right and not right. They understand that they should be punished for late renewal of their periodicals. $6 seems a bit lenient to me, but it's the thought that counts.

I urge any late renewers reading this post to consider imposing their own, preferably more severe, late fees. I think you'll feel better after you have appropriately punished yourself.

June 27, 2008

Reader feedback should be arriving soon for Issue #19 of OPE zine. Those who live near our headquarters have probably already received their copies, and their vigil by the mailbox has ended. They have turned off the telephone, put the pets out, and are enjoying some well-deserved time alone with their copy of OPE.

I'm very proud of this issue; it's so good, it makes many past issues look like crap. It features such classic cartoons "Il Re del Cucciolo" and "Subject Lines from Penis Enlargement Spam Emails, Reprised." And this time, there is almost no shameless filler!

There are still two copies left, and PayPal is open late on Friday nights, so the only thing standing between you and your very own copy of OPE is your own stubbornness.


Where the hell is my OPE?

June 26, 2008

Today's blog theme, over which I have no control, is TRANSPORTATION.

My first car was a 1970 VW bug (purchase price $750). It was fourteen years old, and not well cared-for. After spending every spare cent I had on it, I realized that the only way to beat The Man was to learn to fix my car myself. I purchased a copy of How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive, and I never went to a mechanic again. Or almost never.

I next bought a 1970 VW van (purchase price $800) and lived in it for the economic advantages that entailed. My van and I went on many trips throughout this great nation, for this was back when it was still possible to drive at a moderate speed and obtain camp spaces in our National Parks. Here is the lovely kitchen I used at the time.




Though it was a wonderful, multipurpose vehicle, the VW also emitted approximately 1,000 times more harmful pollutants than the typical vehicle of that era, for example, my next vehicle, the 1984 Toyota truck (purchase price $2,000, with camper shell). By this time, I was living in a standard home, but I still wanted an excellent camping vehicle. The Toyota got 28 MPG, for this was back when vehicles had appropriate-sized engines and people did not weave from lane to lane trying to go the absolute fastest speed possible.

During the Toyota years, I became a lackey for The Man, helping him to destroy the minds and spirits of young children. It was a hard job, and I no longer had time for such things as camping or life, so I bought a 1989 Honda Civic (purchase price $2,000). Powered by a 4 cylinder, 78 horsepower engine, it got 38 MPG. It could go 85 MPH and climb any hill at highway speeds, and I have been subsequently baffled by the way cars have gotten more and more powerful while becoming less and less efficient. Good thing gas is cheap and plentiful, and the byproducts of its combustion aren't harmful to the environment.

The Honda was my last car. I sold it for $1200 in AUG of 2006. The large American city where I live has an extensive subterranean transportation system, so owning a car is unnecessary. It would be nice to have a car to get out of town, but first I would need somewhere to go, and also I would need to care about going places and doing things.

Left out: 1973 Datsun 510 (purchase price $850), 1966 Dodge Dart (gift from father).

You may not have a car at all
But remember brothers and sisters
You can still stand tall
Just be thankful for what you've got
- William DeVaughn

June 25, 2008

Issue #19 of OPE zine is finally finished, and all copies were mailed out today at approx. 3:30 PM. Readers Merle, Ian and Nan (or their trusted agent) can now begin their vigil by their mailbox.

Some subscribers choose to wait by their mailbox only until the mail carrier arrives, then abandon their post for the day, returning to their vigil again early the next morning. This has its risks. Should your carrier misdeliver a piece of mail, a helpful neighbor might slip it in your mailbox after you have gone in for the night. The result would be an unnecessary additional day's wait.

Monitoring your mailbox with a surveillance camera is also not recommended. If you are going to stare expectantly at something all day, you might as well be out in the fresh air staring at your very own mailbox than hunched over a monitoring station watching a closed-circuit TV. Think of your health.

There are still three copies of issue #19 available. With gasoline nearing $5 a gallon, and food prices allegedly rising every hour, it's good to know that OPE hasn't raised its single-issue price ($4) in four years!

We look forward to receiving your money.

June 24, 2008

Many people enjoy shopping for products at a certain big box Swedish retailer that shall remained unnamed. It's a great place to find products at low prices if you don't care about the environmental or social consequences.

Personally, I don't like owning nice things, because then I feel bad when they inevitably decay. I prefer to own junk, that way I don't have to waste any of my precious mental energy worrying about things getting damaged. Junk pretty much looks the same before and after it gets damaged.

However, if you must purchase new items from wasteful, resource-depleting retailers, then I can recommend the following top quality chair:



It's made from wood from trees that were chopped down, and tons of fuel was burned transporting it to your local franchise. Enjoy!

June 23, 2008

Though they are morons, the new interns do know their fashion. Their baffling clothes and accoutrements are the most au courant, and they are quick to adopt the latest styles, no matter how ridiculous.

For the past ten years or so, while young women have been displaying more and more ass crack, it has become fashionable for young men to wear their hair as if they have just arisen from bed after a particularly hot night. As fashions go, it's one of the more stupid. Still, grown men on television now sport the cut as if it didn't look foolish.

One of our interns whose name I never learned reports that "the ladies" love his tousled hair, and, against all common sense, they don't find it ridiculous at all.


He is also an excellent toenail clipper.

June 20, 2008

A Visit to the OPE Grounds

There is more to OPE than just bathroom chores and groveling. We also have extensive grounds. Today we will take a tour of the grounds and see if we can't find something for the interns to trim.


These are flowers. They grow in several areas on the property. These flowers have a name, but unfortunately, it has been lost to the ages. Our neighbor Louie says that the color of these flowers changes with the pH of the soil, and can he pee on them to show us?


Here is one of three sunflowers I planted in the spring. I know they are sunflowers because it said so on the package. Some of our local squirrels have been sitting on the sunflowers and breaking their stems, so I have replanted one, and the other is propped up with a stick. This was before the interns arrived, and I had to do most things by myself.


These are weeds. “What is a weed but a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. I will be letting the interns discover the virtues of these weeds all weekend. With a Hefty bag.


I call this ivy, although it could be anything. We don't have a botanist on staff anymore, so we have to take our best guess. There is some stuff under one of the trees that we call ivy too, though it looks different. Taxonomists call that a family of plants.

We hope you enjoyed whatever it is we just did. I know we might have.

June 19, 2008

Blogger D. Chedwick Bryant informs us that today's blog theme is AMUSEMENT. The theme is open-ended enough that it barely annoys. Every person is amused by something different. Perhaps you enjoy the film antics of Ms. Cameron Diaz, while I enjoy watching interns scrubbing all manner of fixtures - bathroom, kitchen, etc.

AMUSEMENT
Back before I lost my affection for the things of this world, I used to visit something called The Giant C@mera. As you know, the camera (from camera obscura, or "dark chamber") was around long before there was film, and many camera obscurae were built as tourist attractions. Images from outside are focused on a screen (or the wall) inside the camera obscura, while bewildered tourists stumble through asking "Where is the camera?" and "Do you have a bathroom?"



Some people are not amused by The Giant C@mera ("It's the same thing as what's outside!") while others are. I enjoyed seeing a moving image that was not TV or film, one that has infinite resolution. I would stay and chat with the proprietor (this was before I knew about people), who enjoyed talking with the patrons and performing magic tricks for them.

Though I no longer become amused, I do enjoy thinking about times I was amused in the past.

June 18, 2008

From an email to some OPE zine subscribers today:

Dear Seriously Lapsed Subscriber,
As I put the final touches on Issue #19 of Other People Exist zine, it is clear to me that it will be one of the finest issues ever. I worked on this one while sober, and you can really tell the difference. It will make many past issues look like total crap.

I worry, however, about those who will never get to see it, those who neglected to renew for Year Four because they spaced or flaked or have grown to despise it. How will they feel when the rave reviews start rolling in? It will be too late to cough up the money then, and their pleading and wailing will have no effect.

My advice: Don't be one of them. Send your check/cash/paypal funds today, then wait quietly by your mailbox. You'll be glad you did.*

Kurt

*Individual responses may vary

June 17, 2008

The Employee of the Month ceremony went well today. Krystal said thanks to her friends in lockup and said she was proud to be representin'. Todd made some muffins, and we all milled about and chatted amiably until I shrieked Back to work, maggots!

The plaque has been mounted on the wall by the fridge, and it seems to be having the desired effect, that is, the interns are working even harder to earn their own meaningless acknowledgment. That plaque was the best $10 I ever spent.

June 16, 2008

Congratulations to our Employee of the Month, our intern Krystal. She goes above and beyond the call of duty, then she shows up for work. Our tub has never been more soap scum ring-free and our offices have never smelled more like cheap perfume and vodka. There will be a ceremony for Krystal during which, we explained, she cannot wear her sweatshirt with the fuzzy collar. She will receive a plaque and attempt to make a short speech.

Congratulations Krystal. Please let Todd know what your last name is so he can relay the info to the people at the plaque store.

June 13, 2008

French "Spiderman" makes NY skyscraper climb
Critics charge he neglected important Spiderman duties

The man known as the French "Spiderman" bristled at accusations that while he was scaling a New York skyscraper crime went unchecked throughout the city.

"The purses of many old ladies were snatched, and several vegetable carts were overturned," said local crimewatcher Tina Reffett. "It's unacceptable."

Le Spiderman scaled the 52-story, 1,142-foot skyscraper last Thursday, allowing the Green Goblin enough time to plan virtually anything.

This is not the first time Spiderman has courted controversy. After his uncle's death, he took a job as a photographer at the Daily Bugle, where editor J. Jonah Jameson carried out a smear campaign that turned much of the city against the hero.

Prosecutors today charged Le Spiderman with misdemeanor criminal trespass and reckless endangerment. Le Spiderman said he will fight the charges.

Reffet said she was appalled. "If a baby had needed rescuing from a burning building today, Spiderman would not have been there."

Le Spiderman's attorney dismissed these concerns, saying that Spiderman was available via wristwatch walkie talkie during the entire climb.

June 12, 2008

According to blogger D. Chedwick Bryant, today's blog theme, for no good reason, is bridges. In honor of this theme, I will tell you a story from our nation's past.

Not too long ago, until about the 1970's, people interacted with other people in the public space. Headphones were still bulky, and people could not have them stuffed in their earholes at all times, and telephones were connected to wires in the home, so people could not hold private phone conversations as they walked about town.

Public interaction with other people was unavoidable, yet it was not universally loathed as it is today. In fact, one experienced much that was interesting and fulfilling from random encounters with other members of the race.

Case in point: to get to San Francisco, then as today, one crossed The Bay Bridge, a toll bridge linking the East Bay with the city. It was not uncommon to reach the toll booth and find that the people in the car before you had paid your toll. Sometimes, you would pay the toll of the person behind you.

Why would anyone do such a thing? Historians believe that this everyday interaction with others caused people to give a damn. They were aware of other people as meaningful entities, not just in an abstract way, where you have to think about it for a minute, but consciously, as if other people mattered.

That way of life is gone, but the bridge still stands to remind us of those strange days.

June 11, 2008

You may remember that, in May, I received a parcel from an OPE subscriber that contained a strap of 100 one dollar bills and a prestigious Leadership Award for "offering to help a lapsed subscriber get his shit together."



I was so touched by this gesture, and especially by the $100, that I sent a personal letter in reply that read, in part:

Dear Mr. Xxxxxx,
The arrival of your parcel was, sadly, the most exciting thing to happen here in quite some time. The Leadership Award, which is currently on display above my television, touched me deeply. My dream is to help people all over the world get their shit together, but with my current funding structure, that may never be possible, so I have focused my energies on helping those I know get their shit together first. Perhaps a global program of assistance will one day be possible.

I hope the enclosed original drawing - to which I retain the copyright and the rights to reproduction - will express my gratitude. Without your support – and, to a lesser extent, the support of other subscribers – I could not continue work on OPE zine, and I would have to make the kinds of difficult changes that lead to real growth.

Thank you,

Kurt

June 10, 2008

Unfortunately, there was a problem with the pics I promised of my new, more radiant skin. I went to pick them up at the drugstore today, and none of them had come out. All five rolls were ruined! I know this is a huge disappointment to those readers who have been keeping tabs on my skin tone over the years.

Apparently the details of my evening tub time sickened at least one reader. Need I remind everyone that reading blogs is optional? If you prefer not to hear more about the vigorous buffing of my skin, then you are free to click away now. Here is a suggested website you might enjoy.

A couple of interns have begun to stand out from the crowd. Both have a strong sponging technique, and both do exceptional nook-and-cranny work. And they are both equally eager to move up the ladder, as you can see by their glamor shots.

June 9, 2008

The nice thing about having a group of interns who are willing to do anything I want without complaint is that I no longer have to run any errands (or cut my own food, dress/bathe myself, etc.). For example, today I needed gardening supplies, and a pack of interns rushed off and got them. They also did the gardening.


Chet at The Dirty Hoe always gives us a good deal


I also happened to need several items of fishing tackle. Another pack of interns rushed off and picked them up. And they did it gladly.


Ken at Master Bait and Tackle takes good care of us

In the evening, those on bath detail took their places beside the OPE tub and began to lather up their sponges. I lowered myself into the water, and they awaited my command to began rubbing. I know this is invaluable work experience for them, but my skin has never been more radiant. Pictures to come!

June 7, 2008

I've been looking for an excuse to use the word giantia, as in dinosaurs and other giantia, but none has arisen, so I merely mention it here.

June 6, 2008

I have a lot of personal opinions that are just kneejerks reactions to the world around me. I have never bothered to look any deeper into them or challenge myself to grow and change because that takes time and effort, and I might miss one of my shows. I just know how I feel about stuff, and if blogging has taught me anything, it's that my opinions are valid as long as I post them to a blog.

With these new interns helping, I can spread my uninformed opinions faster and more efficiently - almost as quickly as I form them. For example, the other day, someone was talking about immigration, and I said the first thing that came into my head without thinking, then I ordered the interns to paint it on the rear window of my van.

I wrote it down exactly like I wanted it painted. They did as commanded, without any backtalk. Doesn't it look great!

June 5, 2008

Blogger D. Chedwick Bryant is celebrating June 5th Go Orange! today. We don't know what the hell she's talking about, but she is a loyal reader, and in her honor, some of the OPE staff dressed in orange today and then posed for a picture.



These guys are great! We were actually going to let several of them go today, since the interns can do much of the work they do, and for free, and without the sense of entitlement, but they're all pumped up and feeling like part of the team today, so we decided to do it tomorrow.

We're going to keep the guy in the front, Ronald. He's a great clipboard holder and an all-around nice guy. Plus I promised his mother on her deathbed that I'd always have a job for him. It's considered gauche to say no to someone on their deathbed.

Anyhoo, Happy June 5th Go Orange!

June 4, 2008

Our interns are hard at work on an important project related to someone's birthday this weekend. There are huge batches of frosting to prepare and maybe even a cake. They grumbled a bit at first about the project, but all it took was for someone to make an example out of the main grumbler, and everyone fell quickly and afearedly into line.

They are starting to understand what kinds of behavior generate a huge screamy scene, and they are avoiding those behaviors, exactly as expected. Behaviorist B. F. Skinner called this constant delivery of reinforcement for an action "continuous reinforcement," although he did not specify angry screaming as the reinforcing agent. That was my idea. In truth, it happens naturally.

It's simple: those interns who wish to be able to hear out of their ears at the end of the day are avoiding any behaviors that might trigger the "reinforcing agent," that is, incredibly loud and demeaning shrieking from their master Kurt. Thus, undesirable behaviors are eliminated, and the colony grows stronger. It's a win/win!

June 3, 2008

After yesterday's post, some of our more sensitive readers wrote asking if we might try to take it easy on the new interns. Ha! Tormenting interns is a time-honored tradition that has proven to be effective in doing whatever it does for centuries. How else are we to polish the rough stones that are our young enthusiastic interns into sparkling gems if not through the proven techniques of ridicule and humiliation?

Do these readers think that trainees can grow and learn without someone watching their every more and then shrilly berating them the minute they make a mistake? How will these youngsters know what worthless sacks of shit they are if we don't continuously remind them?

Already today one of our interns began crying like a big baby, screamed that she couldn't take anymore, and quit. These are exactly the people that need to be weeded out early before their sickness can infect the colony. I told her Good riddance and No, you can't have your street clothes back.


Whatever

June 2, 2008

Just a quick note while the interns are squeezing into their uniforms, and while I put on my bossy face and prepare to send these young adults off to their various demeaning tasks.

If Hell's Kitchen has taught us anything, it's that the best way to teach beginners in any field is to harp on them about their smallest failures in a screamy and disrespectful voice. It requires a lot of vigilance from the screamer to ensure that no mistake is left unharped-on and no trainee is left unhumiliated.

I don't normally brag, but I know myself to be the kind of manager who can exploit the small failures of staff members and recognize the potential for huge "scenes" in these everyday incidents. I especially excel at detailing the major character flaws that staffers reveal by their mistakes.

If all goes as planned, after the whiners and sensitive ones have quit or run home to their mommies, what should remain are one or two manipulative, back-stabbing, highly effective interns.


This one looks promising