March 31, 2008

Someone in the Department of Education in the state in which I live must be on glue, or perhaps high on mary jane, because today I was issued a Public School Teacher Certificate. Measuring 8.5 by 5.5 inches, and printed on standard printer paper, this certificate means that, theoretically, I could be left in charge of an entire classroom of trusting children. I would be their sole source of knowledge for one school year.

I say could be left in charge because I have no plans to use this credential in the near future. Once you have mustered the courage to quit work and face the world without a safety net, taking a job seems like a step backward. Sure, work is fine for all you robots, but I've had a taste of the exquisite boredom that is unemployment, and it is like sweet sweet candy, only boring.

The truth is, I had $225 burning a hole in my pocket, and I decided to spend it on this state's costly accreditation process. For $225, a temp worker at the Department of Ed spent two months "evaluating" my credential from the state where I used to live, then pressed a button issuing me a credential for the state where I live now, then huffed some more glue.

Seriously, if you know of any super laid-back principals in the state in which I live that don't get all uptight when teachers don't teach from the textbook or kowtow to authority or clipper their ear hair, then shoot me an email.

March 30, 2008

From the archives:

A letter of recommendation for a friend's child

Saint Cecilia College Preparatory School
Office of Admissions

To Whom It May Concern,
This letter is to highly recommend Kelly XXXXX as a student at Saint Cecilia College Preparatory School. I have known Kelly since she was a student in my kindergarten class, and she was by far the least bitey of the group. An unfortunate incident on a field trip earned her the nickname "Smelly Kelly", but she never cared what others said or thought about her. She was a strong girl from the start, completing kindergarten despite a total lack of friends and an inability to find the classroom on her own.

I followed her progress to fifth grade, and Kelly always stayed positive, even as the evidence mounted that there was no good cause for it.

Did I mention her terrific sense of humor? She would always give me the middle finger when we passed in the hall and we'd laugh. She progressed to anonymous "fuck you" notes, then threatening phone calls that were spot-on parody, and finally, in the fifth grade, a graffito of a middle finger on the hood of my Saturn. That girl always brings her "A" material!

The authorities could never appreciate the subtleties of Kelly's humor, and though she spent the past three years in "juvie", she used her time, I am sure, to prepare for Saint Cecilia College Preparatory School. "Smelly Kelly" has become a very special young woman, and I wholeheartedly recommend her.

Get ready for the middle finger jokes!

Kurt XXXXX
Unemployed Teacher

March 29, 2008

from the archives:

Jug of pee, January 27, 2006. American city street.

Peeing in jugs is a time-honored tradition of long-haul truckers, cabbies and the revenge-minded. Today, I will be focusing on the latter.

Pee is naturally stinky and, when in a jug, makes the perfect tossable for revenge applications. A home office or large walk-in closet can easily hold a year's worth of pee, even with the recommended one inch of clearance between jugs. Serious storers may need an extra bedroom as a dedicated pee repository. A standard padlock prevents embarrassing discoveries by friends, family or investigators who do not have the necessary search warrants.

Pee should be stored between 55 and 62 degrees Fahrenheit, preferably in jugs, away from direct sunlight. Leakage should not be a problem with modern jug construction, although it is recommended that you look for a jug with a recycling number 2 (HDPE) or lower.

Tossing jugs of pee is a skill and should be practiced. Your first throw should never be at a revengee. So much could go wrong! Practice with a mannequin, scarecrow or other human substitute, preferably in a remote field with no witnesses. Novice tossers should be able to master the fundamentals in about six weeks.

Thrown jugs should be approximately half-full for maximum burst and spray upon employment. Keep all your stock filled to the same level to ensure predictable performance. Remember, you are not aiming at the revengee, but at the ground near him/her. The pee should spray impressively all over the revengee such that he/she screams out "My God! What was that, pee?!"

Wear black. Run away.

March 28, 2008

Study Finds Gene Link to Schizophrenia
New proof that "they can't help it"

A new study has found that rare genetic variations significantly increase the risk that a person will develop schizophrenia.

Tina Reffett, a longtime member of the schizophrenic community, said "This new research proves what we have been saying for decades - that the government uses its mind control rays to penetrate our crania and cause genetic mutations as part of their plan for world domination."

The new study is surprising in that the team found strong evidence that it is not the same set of genes going bad in each person who develops schizophrenia.

"It's different genes in different people," said Dr. Jon "Peaches" McKinnon, co-author of the report. "Once the government's rays enter the cranium, they just bounce around in there like ping pong balls. There's no way to predict which genes they'll hit."

This is a big challenge to the conventional wisdom. In the past, it was believed that the CIA targets specific genes in our heads with radio waves from their satellites. Now it appears the plan is more sinister than previously imagined.

The new evidence has left schizophrenics wondering how to better defend themselves from the ever-present mind control rays.

MIT researchers found that tin foil helmets, which many believe offer significant protection from invasive radio signals, actually amplified the specific frequencies reserved for government use (link).

Researchers tried the most popular tin foil helmet designs, including The Fez, The Centurion, and The Classic, but the results were the same.

"We hope this report will encourage the paranoid community to develop improved helmet designs," the researchers concluded.

March 27, 2008

© 2004 Kurt of OPE

March 26, 2008

Reader VE "tagged" me to complete a meme, to wit, to write a 6 word memoir. I have absolutely no intention of doing this.

I am touched that VE chose, chain letter-style, to include me in this project, and I always enjoy seeing my name in print. Kurt. But I must follow the muse and write only what is in my heart, e.g. more posts advertising the latest editions of OPE zine (from which we have so far grossed US$22!)

Remember what self-help guru Dr. Luther Waxling (Dennis Hopper) said in Search and Destroy: "Just because it happened to you does not make it interesting." Although one could, through artful rendering, make almost anyone sound interesting, one would first need to be an artful renderer and one would second need to be almost anyone.

Since I did not complete (or even attempt) this meme, I think it would be appropriate for me to untag a few people who I think would really enjoy not doing this meme. I untag Ian, Fuzzmama, and Taarzaan. I can't wait to read what you write instead of a 6 word memoir!

March 25, 2008

Today we worked on The Best Of Year Three issue of OPE zine. Unlike the regular issues of OPE zine, The Best Of doesn't insult readers with a lot of shameless filler. And unlike those who purchased Issue #18, buyers of TBOYT will actually be getting their money's worth.

TBOYT contains classic OPE cartoons such as "Thank God I'm Circumcised," "Honking, A Study," and "If Conversations Were Like Email," plus much much more. All this for only $4! - about the cost of a bag of marshmallows (or, as it is known at my house, "dinner").

I'll be honest. We were running a bit low on toner and copy quality started to suffer near the end. But the quality of the content never suffered! I've never felt less ashamed about an issue before!

Email OPE and Todd will be happy to try and take your order. I still remember what a lovely job he did on our Thanksgiving place cards:

March 24, 2008

Early reviews of the latest issue of OPE zine call it "groovy" and say it is "definitely a success." Kudos to me! It's not everyone who can handle the responsibility of creating and publishing a moderately successful zine. Many people have friends and family, and much of their spare time is taken up with socializing and attending various events such as fancy parties. Since I do not have these distractions, I am able to focus all my time and energy on making OPE one of the most expensive obscure zines available today.

Reader Bob Dylan posted a photo of OPE zine today in an attempt to help verify its existence. Those who believe that their sense data can be trusted, i.e. that what they see, hear, feel, etc. accurately represents the external world, will be interested in checking out this new datum.

As you know, we cannot believe everything on the Internet. Some manufacturers make false claims about what their products can do. Those on Internet dating sites exaggerate their endowments or neglect to mention the odor. Admittedly, I have spent too many hours amusing myself by adding inaccuracies to the Wikipedia entry for Mr. Ryan Se@crest. It is healthy to have a doubting attitude.

But when legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan steps forward to authenticate OPE zine, we have no choice but to believe.

March 21, 2008

Yesterday's plug for OPE zine yielded one new subscriber. This is wonderful news, since we created this blog primarily to shill for the zine. Of course, we couldn't know then that OPE blog would accidentally become pretty good in its own right.

I think what prevents some OPE readers from subscribing to the zine is the belief that it doesn't exist. This, after I posted a certified video of myself thumbing through an issue on YouTube.

We do kid a bit in these pages, and some readers are wary of being fooled. Of course, the only way to find out for sure if it is real is to subscribe and see if anything arrives. If the zine arrives, then it is real.

If not, you can find comfort in the fact that many people far smarter than you have also been fooled.

March 20, 2008

When we are not changing the course of the English language, we here at OPE blog like to share our experiences with various consumer products.

Recently, we were planning a cross-country drive, and Todd wanted to take his dog Ketchup. But with me in the front, and Todd and his mom in the back, there would be no room for Ketchup. Fortunately, we heard about an ingenious product that solves this problem.



Other dogsacks can mar your car's finish, but the window hooks on this model are covered in attractive rubber tubing. It even comes with a hole for the dog's head so you don't have to cut one yourself.

Todd loved the new dogsack and said that, if the weather was good, he might like to ride in it with Ketchup. Unfortunately, it cannot hold that much weight (plus it has just one head hole), but I told him I might let him ride in it alone, especially if he was muddy.

March 19, 2008

OPE zine, issue #18, is copied, stapled, and enveloped. Todd is manually tonguing the envelopes as I type this. You may remember that we had to sell our envelope moistening and sealing equipment last year when things got tight. Fortunately, Todd loves licking things.

What's the difference between the blog and the zine? you ask. Well, OPE zine is composed primarily of cartoons drawn and written by me (or drawn by an intern under my direction). Also, the work in the zine is of a much higher caliber than what you are used to here.

This was the final issue of Year Three, which means that in this issue we are asking subscribers to renew for Year Four. We offer an industry-first 0% discount on annual subscriptions ($24 for 6 issues) with sample issues unsurprisingly priced at $4. And we never sell your personal information unless we are offered money.

Also, with this issue, we eliminated our popular gift subscription rates for no good reason. Readers used to be able to subscribe themselves and a friend for $40, a 16.66% discount, but not anymore. Everyone is wondering why we did such a thing.

Won't you subscribe today? Operators are standing by. And so are we.

March 18, 2008

A devoted reader cabled us yesterday letting us know that Take it where you shake it! now has two entries in the Urban Dictionary. This was inevitable. As TIWYSI approaches Everyday Use status, we will be hearing and seeing it much much more.

Soon, some will begin to use TIWYSI in new and unconventional ways, not always in keeping with the vision of its coiner and early adopters. But we cannot control the language; we can only innovate and observe as it grows richer.

Take it where you shake it! appears in the Urban Dictionary between the entries for Take it uptop and TAKE IT!!!, both of which sound made up. It seems some people are abusing their privileges by using the Urban Dictionary for funmaking. It is a shame, for it only lowers the quality of the information available there.

Look at the website camelphotos.com. In keeping with its name, it offers photos of camels. It should be an example to us all.

March 17, 2008

With Take it where you shake it! garnering eight Google hits (up from zero two weeks ago), I think we can safely call it a sensation. Even if we wanted to, we could not stop it now.

We are putting the finishing touches on issue #18 of OPE zine (still just $4 an issue including postage and handling). The issue has been delayed because, it turns out, one cannot get a satisfactory photocopy (adequate black levels, accurate geometry) out of any of the machines in the entire metropolitan area where I live.

I do most of the photocopying for OPE zine here at home on a Sharp AL-800 (yes, the AL-800), but I sometimes copy particularly dense masters on a store machine to save toner. Every 8 cent copy I buy consumes no less than 20 cents worth of toner, and occasionally a manager will wince when I pull out my master.

I visited numerous shops when copying the last issue (#17) and finally gave up and used some substandard copies (right side streaking) which I haggled down to 50% off. What can one do? Copy machine maintenance and repair was once a great art, but those days are gone. Now we have sullen teens who begrudgingly come and look at the machine simply to pronounce it broke.

Are we better off? Some would say no. Others would say yes. I only know that we cannot turn back the hands of time. Copy quality will never be what it once was; life must go on.


Yes, the AL-800

March 15, 2008

The increasingly popular Take it where you shake it! now has seven Google hits (a 75% increase), including an entry in the Urban Dictionary. We at OPE were not involved in this. No doubt one of TIWYSI's many users/admirers felt it deserved enshrinement at this point in its popularity curve.

We are proud, though we are not kidding ourselves. Our role in this phenomenon will one day be largely forgotten. Pop singers and presidents will be tossing Take it where you shake it! around like candy, and we will still be here, probably coining another significant phrase to change the face of American English.

March 14, 2008

The TIWYSI campaign has revealed that Google search results are most likely fixed and that there is something nefarious going on, probably involving payola. We know of at least two additional online mentions of Take it where you shake it! in the past 48 hours (indicating 50% growth), yet a Google search still yields just four hits. While I hesitate to call it a conspiracy, or mention the probable involvement of the Disney/Masonic/CIA cabal, it does look hinky.

As you know, we don't have the resources for the kind of bribes these people no doubt demand. Our political clout is limited. When provoked, however, we have been known to respond with many angry letters. We haven't really minded Google's attempts at world domination in the past, but we are very angry now that we see that it will affect us.

What is the point of being involved with a high-growth expression like TIWYSI if the Internet powers that be can suppress the truth about its astonishing popularity? The Chinese are blocked from even visiting OPE, and we have no way of gauging the expression's popularity in that country, except through anecdotal observations.

One thing is clear: something about our campaign really scares the Google people. Recall what happened to Alex Chiu. He innocently marketed his Immortality Devices to arrest and even reverse the aging process, and Google banned his website. Anyone could be next.

March 13, 2008

Readers have emailed and FAXed asking whatever became of the Alumni Cocktail Reception & Dinner for the university I attended during the Clinton administration. Did I attend and, if so, did I successfully network with blowhards and obtain another drunken promise of employment?

You may recall that I asked readers to vote yes or no re: my attendance, and approximately half of them followed instructions. Of these instruction followers, four voted yes and two no, but I didn't go anyway. What happened was I forgot. Plus I didn't count the votes until just now.

To those of you who took the time to vote, I must apologize for not caring. If I caused anyone to lose confidence in the democratic process, I want to FYI you that I am deeply sorry. Rest assured that I would have attended the event if I had remembered.

In more important news, despite the mention yesterday of Take it where you shake it! in a Canadian blog, a Google search still yields just four hits. It appears the TIWYSI campaign has already revealed serious flaws in the Google search platform.

March 12, 2008

The number of Google hits for Take it where you shake it! is up 100% in the last 24 hours (from two to four), a sure sign that people everywhere are growing to love the expression. Soon even mountain people who ain't never had no cause to use a computer will have heard the expression and begun to mumble it through their chaw.

I must again caution readers against interpreting TIWYSI literally. Think of the enduring popularity of Take a hike! Do you suppose people think of hiking when they are told to take a hike? No. They think of shutting up and/or getting the fuck away from you.

That is what makes Take it where you shake it! so wonderfully evocative. It gets the message across artfully but without anybody going anywhere to shake anything. Or so one hopes.

March 10, 2008

Well, we took our hand off the tiller for just a moment, and the number of Google hits for Take it where you shake it! plummetted to two (from three). I knew it was unwise to leave OPE blog untended for so long. Just when the popularity of TIWYSI seemed to be snowballing, we left our post. Perhaps we are not deserving of the responsibility of a campaign this important.

Should Take it where you shake it! lose its foothold in the popular imagination, there will be no one to blame but us, and by us I mean Todd. Todd will be devastated to hear that this is all his fault, and he will insist on a severe punishment.

But perhaps it need not come to that. I think the excitement that has built up around TIWYSI is substantial. TIWYSI has legs. People are talking about it, if only to say "I'm so sick of Take it where you shake it!"

Here's an inspiring story: Todd's little brother hit the streets this weekend to do his part for the campaign. What a guy. It's time to ask yourself if you are doing enough to promote TIWYSI. Judging by the Google stats, you aren't.

March 6, 2008

This week, OPE blog received the fewest comments ever, presumably because we will not shut up about Take it where you shake it! (holding steady at three Google hits). Not every topic we write about will please every reader, but this topic seems to have pleased the fewest. It reminds me of my equally unpopular (but still ongoing) attempts to get people to use FYI as a verb, as in I want to FYI you about something.

What can I say? This latest series of posts notwithstanding, OPE blog is still one of the best values on the Internet. Each post is available for just $0.00. We post every day, regardless of whether we have anything to say. And we do it all with a smile-like expression on our face.

Along the way, we have distracted a few people from their ethically questionable work and delayed some Internet users in their search for heavy woman on pony and/or candid pee, a public service if ever there was one.

Kudos to us!

(We will be traveling via jet airplane on Friday and returning via same Monday night. Posting will be sporadic and may consist only of updates on the status of TIWYSI).

March 5, 2008

Not all OPE readers are equally excited about the newly-minted expression Take it where you shake it! (now with three Google hits). All wildly popular expressions have their early adopters (like Julia) as well as their detractors (everyone else). Just the other day, I was riding the popular subterranean mass transit system in the famous American city where I live, and two young female tourists got on. Whatever they had taken had made them talkative, and they struck up a "conversation" with me.

They were very fond of the word legit and were using it as a replacement for approximately every third word they spoke. For example, they asked if I was a resident of this city (though not in those words), and when I said yes, they said That's legit. I also told them what neighborhood I lived in, and that was coincidentally legit as well.

Here's my point. These young tourists and their baffling jargon initially repulsed me, but now I find myself using and enjoying legit everywhere I go. It can take the place of so many different words!

Could Take it where you shake it! enjoy the same popularity? Absolutely. As long as each of us does our part. I got the ball rolling by coining the phrase and attracting early adopters. Now each of you must use (even overuse) TIWYSI until it becomes an annoying habit, much like legit was for the two idiots I met.

You may begin immediately.

March 4, 2008

After yesterday's post, several readers promised to add Take it where you shake it! to their lexicon, and a google search performed at 3:40PM today yielded 2 results for the phrase, up from zero yesterday.

Some are attempting to pin down what exactly TIWYSI means. I have to caution against this. As with any evocative idiomatic expression, much of its power is lost when one attempts to parse its meaning. It is best to simply use the expression when appropriate (for dispersing ne'er-do-wells, ruffians, goons, etc.) and marvel at its efficacy.

After all, when we say, for example, get lost, do we intend it literally, i.e. do we want the person to get lost? No. Our intention is merely to express a certain attitude toward the person. Hence, when we say Take it where you shake it!, we do not want anyone to shake anything anywhere, we just want them to disperse and take their loud and frightening chatter with them.

Note: No one phrase has the ability to disperse every thug in every situation. Use caution in the presence of goons and hoods. TIWYSI is not guaranteed to work and should not take the place of more appropriate strategies such as ignoring, crossing the street, or fleeing the area.

Some early thugs

March 3, 2008

Over the weekend, I was working peacefully in my den when I heard a commotion on the street outside. I peered through a slat in the blinds, nosey neighbor-style, and saw that it was a group of young ne'er-do-wells conversing in their loud and frightening manner. We all know how dangerous young people can be when they are allowed free access to our city streets.

I longed to yell something that would disperse these youths, but I knew from experience that a confrontation would only embolden them and might possibly lead to a pantsing, so I did the next best thing: I imagined I was ordering them away, and in so doing, I said aloud Hey- take it where you shake it!

It turns out that, according to Google, I am the first person to use the phrase take it where you shake it. I find it hard to believe that a phrase that conjures up such a vivid image, and that (I believe) has the power to disperse packs of youths, was used for the first time ever this weekend, by me. But it's a fact.

I encourage you to use take it where you shake it when dispersing ruffians on the street or for any other purposes you deem appropriate. I only ask that you write (©Kurt of OPE) after each occurrence of TIWYSI. Enjoy.

Hey- take it where you shake it!