August 31, 2006

Officials Reach California Deal to Cut Emissions
End of the World Slightly Delayed

California’s political leaders announced an agreement on Wednesday that imposes the most sweeping controls on carbon dioxide emissions in the nation, putting the state at the forefront of a broad campaign to curb the man-made causes of climate change. All too late.

The first major controls are scheduled to begin in 2012, when the average global temperature is expected to be 135 degrees.

A recent poll of Californians by the Public Policy Institute of California showed four out of five respondents said urgent action on climate change was needed.

"It's fucking hot out here today," said respondent Tina Reffett. "How do you like my shorts?"

Since taking office in 2003, Governor Schwarzenegger has supported efforts to fight climate change, preferring to live.

A study in 2004 by the National Academy of Science showed that unchecked global warming would reduce the size of the Sierra snow pack by 29 percent each year, cutting off California's water supply and devastating the state's snow tire business.

The governors of New York, New Jersey, Delaware and four New England states have signed an agreement to curb power-plant emissions by 10 percent by 2019, long after the global battle for food and water has killed us all.

The Bush administration has rejected the idea of similar national controls on carbon dioxide emissions while they continue with construction of their massive underground caves with central air.

Ironically, studies show that after the global warming kills us all, temperatures worldwide are expected to stabilize and then return to an early fall-type situation, with mild breezes and temperatures in the 70's.


It will be much quieter then

August 30, 2006

Suspect in SF rampage thought 'devil was coming to him'

A driver went on a Mel Gibson-style hit-and-run spree that injured more than a dozen people yesterday.

"He thought the devil was coming to him," said Zaragosa Romish, a family friend.

"Big deal," said local layabout Tina Reffett, "The Devil comes to me most Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but I don't let him absolutely control me!"

Omeed Bopal, 29, was taken into custody following a 20-minute rampage that terrorized pedestrians, bicyclists and motorists throughout San Francisco.

The spree began around noon in Fremont, when Bopal screamed "I own this town" and began driving wherever he wished.

"He drove on sidewalks and hit vegetable and flower carts, causing people to toss their purchases in the air and run," said San Francisco police spokesperson Sgt. Neville Nevins.

The mayhem left a scattered trail on sidewalks and streets. A broken pair of eyeglasses lay in the middle of the road. A lone running shoe sat on the asphalt. A forlorn teddy bear lay where a photographer had placed it for effect.

The victims were taken to three area hospitals, where Mayor Gavin Newsom met with victims and their families.

"How's my hair - all shiny and perfect?" he asked a nurse before entering.

Fremont is home to the nation's largest Afghan community. Narpeen Amari, 32, who knows Bopal's family, worried that the incident might encourage more bigotry in the community.

"I can't believe an Afghan would do that," Amari said. "It seems more like something a black guy would do."


There is no indication in scripture that Satan has anything to do with UFOs.

August 29, 2006

Bush Marks Anniversary of Katrina
Leaves Early to Get Super Burrito

President Bush bowed his head in prayer Tuesday, pretending to remember the hundreds who perished in Hurricane Katrina. Insiders said he was actually thinking about lunch.

"There's this amazing burrito place the President discovered when he was in New Orleans right after the Katrina fuck-up," said Tina Reffett, the Secretary of Meals. "Their chimichangas are amazing!" she added.

"We will stand with the people of southern Louisiana and southern Mississippi until the job is done," Bush said, while considering whether to order a side of guacamole.

First lady Laura Bush, in remarks introducing the president, urged teachers nationwide to come to the region to teach.

"Leave your classrooms now, on the second day of school, and take the Greyhound directly to New Orleans," she said. "A crappy, low-paying job awaits you, depending on how you interview."

With Hurricane Ernesto bearing down on Florida, Bush said the government is better prepared for the next storm. "Bring it on!" he said.


The burrito Bush has called "The only reason to come to New Orleans"

August 28, 2006

The famous American city where I live now is home to the elusive fuzzbaby, a longtime contributor to Fuzzworks (All the Fuzz that's Fit to Pet). Recently, she had to reduce her postload to attend to her extensive baby duties that include toddling, pointing to familiar objects, and babbling.

Her hands are tiny, but her knowledge is vast. One quick look at her post of January 5, 2006 ("New Zealand sheep") makes clear that this is a pretoddler to reckon with. She understood commitment and she was willing to make the kind of personal sacrifices that are necessary for great blogging. It was hard for her to step down after helming so many great posts, but her mommy used a handful of frozen peas - her favorite - to lure her away.

And so another blog entered its inevitable decline, but another life began at the same time. Fuzzbaby now has more time for the things that matter, such as swinging on the swings with wild abandon while drooling all over her best shirt. Good times.

August 25, 2006

Today our offices will be returned, along with their precious cargo (and Todd). We have already scheduled our first staff meeting for 3:30 pm to debrief and discuss why we got forked. I think it may have happened when I was ordering the unit, but I can't be sure, as I was probably drunk at the time. Unfortunately, I respond to stress with drinking, which often leads to regrettable behavior such undressing myself beyond the legal limit, randomly sledgehammering nearby items, and making overtures to Winona Ryder or persons whom I believe to be Winona Ryder.

I know I am to blame for the mix-up, but standard procedure at OPE is to blame Todd, then set an appropriate punishment. I am going to recommend leniency and suggest we eliminate his microFridge privileges, but I can only hope that the staff members will be as forgiving as me. They are frankly tired of Todd's ostensible screw-ups, and who can blame them? I would be angry too if I believed Todd had done the things that I have actually done.


Discussing Todd's punishment

August 24, 2006

This morning, it seemed like I should be frantically calling the dispatch center and pleading for Todd's release, but instead I slept in and then went to Internet cafe around noon for a mochaccino. They do a real nice one there.

I sent an email to customer service and they emailed back later in the day that the driver was correct when he said that he couldn't release our unit once it had entered the system. This is another way that computers are improving our lives. They said they would expedite the process and that I could expect the offices and trapped staff member back tomorrow.

Todd's total confined time will be under 48 hours, which experts say is not enough to cause irreversible damage, however, the guys at dispatch said we should be prepared for some post-release behavioral changes. Todd may be clingy, and he will need constant reassurance that we won't lock him inside anything. They also said he may not want to sleep alone for the first few nights. Since Todd sleeps on the roof (or lid) of the unit, I got him one of those really big stuffies like the ones you get at the carnival. It's a panda.

I can't wait to get the offices back and to see what extremes Todd has gone to to survive.

August 23, 2006

There was a misunderstanding between myself and the leaseholders of the OPE offices which resulted in a premature forking and freighting of the unit. I was up the street buying donuts when it happened; Todd was inside. I made it back as the unit was being lowered onto the trailer. For legal reasons, the driver was unable to release our offices until he had returned the unit to the origin terminal. My earnest appeals and Todd's pounding on the inner wall had no effect. There are rules is all he would say.

I made some calls and, with luck, we should have Todd and the offices back in their spot by Friday, Monday at the latest. Until then, I will be posting from the Internet cafe.

If I remember correctly, there is a box of nonperishable kitchen items packed away under the kiddie pool. Hopefully, Todd will be able to locate them in the dark.

August 22, 2006

Besides the remarkable savings on rent, the new offices are compact, mobile and partially rodent-free. Rent is only $125.00US a month, and if at any time we are able to relocate to a standard residence, the offices can be freighted there post haste. Currently, we have all the peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and Mountain Dew we can eat/drink, so times are good.

There is really only room for one person to sleep comfortably in the office, so Todd sleeps on top. We part tearfully (Todd) each night, and he climbs the ladder to his officetop aerie. The first night he knocked on the door saying the stars are scary, but I pretended to be asleep. It turned out to be the right thing to do, as he does fine now as long as he has his stuffy.

We are picking up several very strong wireless signals from the nearby homedwellers, so there should be no interruption in posts. Those with annual subscriptions need not fear getting their money's worth.

August 21, 2006

Offices vacated. Rattan chair sold ($20). Lamp packed away, but I stand by my previous offer re: the lamp. Pick up at your convenience after 9/02/06 (estimated) at the new OPE offices.

There was a bit of an argument when it came time to pay High School. He was expecting cash, whereas I had envisioned a barter arrangement involving Todd and footrubs (or other services). High School held his ground and I had to crack open my Fozzie Bear bank for the second time in 2006. This time it cannot be reglued.

Tomorrow we will have to post on the fly, so quality will be lower than ever, if possible.

August 18, 2006

Today was an exciting day at OPE. The OPE Honda was purchased by the first person who made it to the offices for a test drive, proving the irresistible allure of that treasured vehicle. We shall miss her and we hope she serves the buyer well and does not explode in a fireball any time soon.

Also sold was the IKEA rattan chair that one of our readers admired on Wednesday. The sellee got a great deal, as this chair saw only about twelve hours of butt time during its tenure at the offices.

The lamp is still available, so if you are admirous of this item, you need only arrange pickup at my location and it's yours!

August 17, 2006

The packing goes slowly. I had planned to take a supervisory role, but Todd and the high school boy, whom I call High School, have shown a complete inability to operate the packing tape dispenser, and I have had to give several tutorials. Consequently, I have been unable to attend to my important posting duties, so today, I bring you another film review from The Films of Alan Smithee.


Syriana (2005)

If, like me, you assume that our government is up to no good all over the world - hasn't that been obvious ever since Missing (1982)? - then you will be predisposed to enjoy Syriana. After all, it is through the movies that we have learned the truth about the CIA-Mafia-Masonic-Nazi shadow government of last 30 years.

But the real accomplishment of Syriana is that it manages to hold your interest while being far too complicated to understand. And George Clooney has gotten better and better ever since he started holding his head still.

It's better than another evening of watching America's Got Talent and weeping.

August 16, 2006

As you can see, we are busy here at the OPE offices. Todd was boxing and taping as fast as he could, but he really needed some help, so I found some loser high school student to lift the heavy crap. He must not be into drugs, because otherwise he would have asked for a lot more than $6 an hour plus soda privileges.

Todd gets along well with High School (as I have named him), and though I put Todd in charge of the boy, he still says please, thank you and you're the best! when directing him. Todd is unaware of the boy's hourly rate, which is good, because it might shock him. But I have always maintained that each person should get paid what he thinks is the minimum wage.

The Award-winning Honda is still here. I've had three bites (not counting the one in Great Britain), but so far no one has actually made it to the offices to see it. High School said he is interested but wanted to know if he could "work it off." Not by packing boxes, I told him.

August 15, 2006

In preparation for our move to the new compound, the OPE blog Honda was smogged again (smog certification in the state in which I live is only valid for 90 stinking days) and placed up for sale.

I have written in this blog that going to have my car smogged makes me feel like a little girl again, but today was particularly difficult for me, because I had originally intended to have the test performed Monday, but while driving there, I unfortunately ran over some damaging road debris that eviscerated my R rear tire and bent my muffler pipe, leaving me stranded by the side of the road. Also, as it disintegrated, my tire left two long black lines down the road that led straight to the car, which I found embarrassing.

So today, I visited the tire shop, the muffler shop and the smog certification facility all in one day. All those real men working on my helpless car was very emotional for me. Talk about feeling like a little girl again!

When I got home, I placed an ad for the Honda and, just moments ago, I received my first "response" from someone who seems really nice. I have reprinted it below:

From: xxxx_xxx@yahoo.co.uk
hello
i saw your product and am intrested in buying it urgentlly so if its available for sell pls contact me back with the real condition of item and the price.
thanks,
(name withheld)


Awards:
Blackest car
Most time wasted waxing
Most superfluous roof spoiler
Participant: Honda Lovers Fest
Best Afterfest Clean-up

August 14, 2006

No substantial Lindsay Lohan news today

Hollywood sources report that Lindsay Lohan has done nothing outlandish in the past 24 hours. The Hollywood bad girl is reportedly at home today caring for pets.

Lohanistas have been feverishly checking their news feeds, but the actress has kept her clothes on and her attitude in check for over twenty-four hours.

August 10 brought news of Lohan's probable eviction from her suite at the Chateau Marmont hotel. On August 11, it was reported that Lohan is being stalked by a man who has sent her letters and flowers. Since then, nothing.

"This is an unusually long period of inactivity for Lindsay," said Lohan watcher and Hollywood outsider Tina Reffett. "I expect a drunken rampage at any minute."

Lohan's mother, Dina, has denied that her daughter is a big partier and says that much of the ridiculous behavior reported in the press is due to Lindsay being an idiot, not a drunk.

August 11, 2007

Today, a story from life. I know this guy who has two older sisters. Once, when he was little, he was swinging on the swing set in his backyard, and his sisters came out of the house with a big glass of KoolAid for him. Yum. He took a huge gulp but, to his dismay, he found that the glass did not contain KoolAid as his sisters had claimed, but a liquid that resembled KoolAid in color only.

As it turned out, his sisters had been watercoloring, and they had taken their cup of paintbrush rinsewater and added to it all the hair they could pull from their hairbrushes. They had then presented this to my friend as KoolAid. At the time, he was quite shocked by the depth of their cruelty.

This week it was the birthday of one of his sisters, and I was commissioned to create a drawing for a custom birthday card for her. I present it below. Inside, the card reads Remembering the good times on your birthday.

(click to enlarge)

August 11, 2006

Beckhams receive invite, list to see Suri

LOS ANGELES - Celebrity couple Victoria and David Beckham are invited to Los Angeles to see Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' "daughter," Suri, but the invitation was accompanied by a list of Scientology rules, a source said.

"They're banned from touching the child, they're not allowed to do any baby-talk around her, and during the entire visit they must chant 'Suri Suri Suri Suri' endlessly," the source said.

Only a handful of people - including actress Penélope Cruz - claim to have seen the 4-month-old baby, who, in keeping with Scientological practice, is kept away from all noise and fed only a diet of Hubbard barley water. And they say Britney isn't a good mother.

A source told the newspaper the Beckhams were honored by the invitation, but "shocked" by the list of whacko rules.

The rules could prove difficult for Victoria, who loves babies and believes in raising them normally.

Suri, who was "born" in April, is Holmes' first child. Cruise adopted two children with ex-wife Nicole Kidman. No one speaks of them anymore.

'Matrix' actress Jada Pinkett Smith recently revealed she has visited "gorgeous" Suri twice and says she appears to be real.


She's beautiful!

August 10, 2006

Today we listed our crappy mountain bike on Craigslist and got a flurry of emails from "people" who were definitely going to buy it. Only one person showed up, and he definitely didn't buy it.

I have surmised that this is a Craigslist shopping technique that has developed in response to the huge number of buyers and sellers who do business there.

Suppose you are looking for a cheap mountain bike. You have to assume that someone who is getting rid of a mountain bike cheaply is going to get many dozens of emails and that your chances of getting any one bike are slim, so you send an email to every person selling a cheap mountain bike that says. e.g.:

I'll take it! I'm in [up-and-coming neighborhood] and can come as quick as the bus can take me to where you are.*

Then, once you get your replies, you can pick from among them. I am only guessing here. It is also possible that people are huge losers.

*this is an actual email from someone who never emailed again/called/showed up.

August 9, 2006

To prepare for the move to the new compound, Todd and I have been listing unwanted crap on Craigslist in the hopes of attracting the desperate to purchase them. This has been a confounding process. So far three pieces of worthless crap have been sold, but in the process we have had to correspond with dozens of losers who, despite their claims, seem to have no intention of making a purchase.

Below is the evidence. These are actual emails from prospective purchasers, none of whom called or showed up, though they gave the impression that they were clutching their money as they typed:

Subject: Gorgeous [item]
I love your [item].....I want it. Please call me and I will come over and pick it up.

Subject: love [item]!
Hi,
My name is [name] and I really love the [item] you are selling on Craisglist [sic]. I am moving on Monday and would really like to buy it. Please email me or call me at [phone number] so that we can talk details. I would like to be able to get it by Monday or Tuesday at the absolute latest. I live in the [popular neighborhood] and can arrange to come pick it up.

Hi,
That is a beautiful [item]. How wide is it?
[Kurt's response]
That's perfect. I'd like to buy it. Where are you?

I would like to purchase this. What is your phone and availability? Thank you

I can only suppose that these are all very lonely, disagreeable people who troll Craigslist solely for the human interaction. Shunned by the world for their general unpleasantness (and possibly their smell), they turn to Craigslist for access to the positive interactions with other people that they so desperately need. They no doubt save their correspondence in a folder and reread it during the lonely evenings while the rest of us are ostensibly snuggled up with loved ones.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

August 8 , 2006

In 2005, OPE became involved with The Attorneys for Ass Acne for reasons we prefer not to divulge. Our business with them was settled some time ago, but Thaddeus, Talia, Julie and Bing-Tak have continued working quietly to raise awareness about assne around the world.

Forget everything you have read in the press. The news reports and Nova episodes are misleading. Ass acne, though frequently non-scarring and treatable, still causes suffering, and those with the disease need our support.

How can you help? TAFAA suggest that you introduce yourself to people as an assne awareness soldier. Tell them that you are there for anyone who wants to talk about their assne or a loved one's assne. If you know an assne sufferer, tell them you know that what they are going through is difficult and you are there for them. That's all they need to hear. Assne is not contagious and they will not ask you to touch their butt! These are misconceptions.

If you have any questions, please call The National Assne Hotline at 800-235-ACNE or contact TAFAA about volunteering opportunities. Below is the latest update from TAFAA:

Yes, we are aware of the irony
Bing-Tak's recent flare-up of assne has left her unable to fulfill her important duties with the firm. The lengthy meetings that are part of the job entail sitting for long periods, something Bing-Tak could not do comfortably, and she chose to take a short leave rather than place the firm in an awkward situation.

On the surface, this may seem humorous - an attorney for ass acne laid low by the very disease she is defending around the world - but we assure you, none of us are laughing much. We wish her a speedy recovery, which, given the many effective treatments available today, is very likely.

Our work continues unabated. Talia left Thursday for Burkina Faso, where a medical trial was recently conducted in which thousands of innocent villagers were promised assne treatment but were given a placebo instead. We will not stand by while the rich profit off the suffering of the poor (and assne goes untreated). The 1000 units of Proactiv® Solution that Talia is bringing (airport security permitting) are just a start.

Hopefully, this will be the case that finally brings ass acne out of our bathrooms and into our hearts.

August 7, 2006

Readers may remember our unsuccessful move to the new OPE compound in 2005. Many of you cheered our expansion attempts and looked forward to the improved posts that surely would have resulted from our larger workspace, better equipment and more extensive game room. A tragic fire cut short our dream of producing quality work, but now hope is on the horizon again.

A property has come onto the market that could be a perfect fit for OPE. In keeping with our mission statement, it is cheap. Consequently, we began packing over the weekend, after returning from Champions on Ice. We expect the move to be complete in approximately two to twelve weeks. Below is the letter I will be mailing out to friends and relatives:

I’m moving
I was living in one place and now I’m moving to another place that’s different from the place I was before. If you call or write me at the old place you will be wasting your time because I will be in the new place not the old place. So I am writing everyone to tell them. My new place is

XXXX XXst St
Xxxxx, XX XXXX3

You will note that this is nowhere near my old place.

Kurt

August 5, 2006

As you know, I try to attend Champions On Ice whenever it comes to my town or any town within a 500 mile radius. I always take my camera, autograph book and copy of Sasha Cohen: Fire on Ice (just in case).



Yes, that's the incomparable Rudy Galindo in the background doing what he does best, or perhaps second best. And below is the aforementioned Sasha Cohen - so tiny you could pop her in your mouth, if she would only allow it.


Ms. Cohen did not respond to any aftershow "calls to the wall," but instead waved politely and skated away to safety. Perhaps next time. Or the time after.

August 4, 2006

iPod not just for ignoring others

On Aug. 3, Apple announced that most 2007 model cars will include iPod connections. This means iPods could be integrated into stereo systems of more than 70% of the autos sold in the U.S.

Most users listen to iPods solely in public spaces as a way to block out the hate rays of fellow citizens, but this arrangement will give users the ability to listen when they're behind the wheel.

"The most important thing is it increases the ubiquity of the device," said iPod Takeover specialist Lew Wu.

English teacher Tina Reffett disagreed. "Ubiquity means 'existence or apparent existence everywhere at the same time.' You can't increase ubiquity."

Apple, whose iPods are equipped with GPS technology, will now know exactly what everyone is listening to when and where they are listening to it. Security experts say consumers should listen to bland music that does not challenge authority or contain the word "inshallah."

Currently, most MP3 players connect to vehicles via FM radio adapters, but they are difficult to operate and require drivers to take both hands off the wheel. But with the new system, the iPod receiver is built into the car's glove box and "knows" which songs you want to hear.

One drawback is that consumers will have nowhere to put their gloves.

In a statement, Mike Jackson, GM's vice-president for marketing and advertising, said: "We understand that people want to use their iPod whenever and wherever they want, regardless of the consequences."

The capability will come standard on roughly half of the 2007 Ford, Lincoln, and Mercury models. The iPod Brain Buds interface can be installed by any licensed physician.


"I was trying to put on my Supertramp mix"

August 3, 2006

Readers have expressed a desire to enlist me to advocate for them in consumer affairs. They should know that for every matter that I am able to get resolved satisfactorily - such as The Braun Incident - there are varies other matters that do not end so rosily.

Many years ago, when I used to go outside and interact with the external world, I purchased a brand new ten speed bicycle from a popular local establishment that I shall call C&M Bike Shop. After several months of proud ownership, I was riding down a bumpless street one day when a spoke on the front wheel failed, making a popping sound as it broke. I took the bike to C&M, and they replaced the spoke without incident.

A few days later, under similar circumstances, another spoke "popped." I visited C&M again, but this time the serviceperson questioned whether I had been operating the bicycle properly. I assured him I had, but he doubted whether he could trust my account of the incident (His exact words were "How do I know you're not riding it off curbs," to which I responded "Because I told you I'm not") and declined to make repairs. I took the bike to a competing shop, where I had the wheel rebuilt for $30US.

But perhaps this story illustrates my success in these matters after all, because thereafter, I made sure to tell everyone about my experience at C&M. You could say I made my complaint against C&M into a kind of mantra that I repeated regularly at every friendly gathering, likely preventing many dozens of bicycle purchases from that establishment.

Regrettably, they are still in business today, and though everyone who worked there is probably dead and gone now, the anger still burns afresh in me whenever I think of C&M (not their actual name).


"This one guy tried to get a free spoke once"

August 2, 2006

Dear Lisa,
Welcome back from [European country]. I feel good knowing that someone else has corroborated my story re: The International Gelato Price Discrepancy. All is well here, though my apartment began making a mysterious and annoying noise last week that is not unlike rats jumping on the water pipes. It is confounding and, like Chinese water torture (I assume), it is constant, though never at night (?!). But I just have to go on with my life, otherwise the noises have won!

It has been scorching hot inland this week, so everyone has come to the beach. It's kind of exciting to see it so packed, though I suspect the neighborhood will be littered with soiled Pampers and prosthetic limbs come Monday. We barely survived the 4th of July here. My favorite crosswalk indicator was M8Oed into oblivion and has yet to be replaced.

Currently, I'm reading Tom Jones (1749) and enjoying the abundant ribaldry. I particularly like the recurring references to Miss Sophia Western's muff and how Tom likes to kiss it and put his hand in it ("Mr. Jones, you will stretch my lady's muff and spoil it!") and how Miss Western, when she's alone, strokes her muff and thinks of Tom.

I am still available at my old phone number (XXX-XXX-XXX4) if you ever want to call, and online at xxxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com. I hope to hear from you soon.

Kurt


"He kissed it again and again, and said it was the prettiest Muff in the world"

August 1, 2006

Fortunately for me, there is a blog out there that reviews films and DVD releases of note in a language that I can understand: English. Here's the latest review from The Films of Alan Smithee:

Final Destination 3 (2006)



Final Destination (2000) was groundbreaking if only in that it introduced in its plot a new reason for killing teenagers: They were supposed to die in a plane crash, but they didn't. Now Death is angry/confused/resorting to mathematical formulae. FD3 is a shameless reworking of earlier moods, but it's still better than Cold Mountain.

Yes, it asks us to believe that the human body is composed largely of red goo with a soft outer shell that bursts on impact, but what wonderful things result from such a belief! Our intrepid heroes, who are trying desperately to warn the others, keep witnessing their deaths, and, in the process, get repeatedly splattered with the gooey insides of their multicultural friends. (It's true - we are all the same on the inside!) It's vaguely pornographic, and it satisfies.

Inasmuch as this reviewer thinks about his death, he can't help thinking that a quick, splattery head-smooshing wouldn't be a bad way to go. This film gives him hope.