June 30, 2006

Todd and I learned an important lesson this week. It turns out that when one receives a large quantity of cash donations, one shouldn't pile up the moneys and post pictures of the piles in a public forum such as a blog. The people at the IRS have rooms full of employees in India who troll the Internet looking for just such pics. Then, if warranted, they can summon agents for a bust.

Our bust was typical, beginning with some early morning door pounding/screaming by the agents, followed by door battering and much commotion wherein Todd and I scrambled to pull on pants and get our hair right. Todd got cuffed, but after I explained his behavior and showed the appropriate documentation, he was released. I'm sure those agents will be more mindful of how they handle biters in the future.

The agents loaded the piles of money into burlap sacks, gave us a receipt and left. Then Todd and I stared at the empty table for quite some time.

We only had our piles of money for a brief few days, but that time was far too short. We were just getting to know our piles of money when they were violently taken from us. We will never know how much bling we could have bought or who would have started kissing our ass.

Piles of money, you will be missed.

June 29, 2006

Today we bring you the latest film review from The Films of Alan Smithee, a blog we at OPE turn to frequently for quality movie reviews with a distinctive anti-Ebertesque flavor. Enjoy:


Aquamarine (2006)

Someone on glue praised this movie in Variety magazine, and I believed them and rented the DVD. The "stars," Emma Roberts, JoJo Levesque and Sara Paxton, are apparently well known to tweens. All three have their own television serieses and multiple CD releases, unbeknownst to everyone over the age of 12.

The movie basically blows. Two girls find a mermaid. Hilarity ensues. Mss. Levesque and Roberts display their modest talents, while receiving no help from the screenplay.

Two pluses: Sara Paxton, as the mermaid Aquamarine, gives a spirited performance, and I didn't think about the emptiness of existence and my eventual annihilation for 98 minutes!

Take a Vicodin twenty minutes before viewing and it will seem like it matters.

June 28, 2006

The donations have been rolling in here at OPE faster than we can spend them. One immediate benefit of this outpouring of generosity is that I was finally able to get my legs waxed right.

Todd has been piling the money up and taking photos of it for tax purposes. To avoid storage problems, I have been working on ways to spend it really quickly. All of us at OPE agreed that we wanted to do something special with the money besides buying fancy jewelry and getting lipo for our pets.

Of course, our first act was to pay off our debts, including a year and a half of salaries for staff, who are now able to demonstrate solvency and reclaim confiscated children if desired. I can't tell you how much bellyaching I have put up with from tech people who longed to see their kids again.

We next put some money into our infrastructure, giving the OPE hot tub a much needed descaling/descumifying. The hot tub tech was impressed by our level of neglect, which triggered a mandatory visit from the CDC. The officials had some good advice about not keeping peafowl in the work area, but as soon as they left, we let our little angels back inside again. It wouldn't be OPE without them.

We still have several piles of money left to spend (not counting today's donations). Send ideas.

June 27, 2006

Well, after a year and a half of struggle here at OPE, we have finally generated revenue. One of our readers made a donation to OPE through our PayPal account after our plea last Thursday. Our total gross profit for 2006 is now US$10.00.

It turns out that OPE's email address in the profile section is NOT our PayPal account email as we claimed. I must have changed it the night I drank all that Robitussin. I know this probably thwarted many many donation attempts. The reader in question, however, could not be dissuaded, and he emailed for further instructions. We told him he could PayPal it, but we prefer cash.

It was a bit of a drive for him, but he got in late Monday with the tenner. We held our first staff meeting today to discuss how to spend the money. The debate was heated, but when we discovered that, in his excitement over planning the meeting, Todd had spent $20 on muffins, we tabled the issue and focused on pantsing Todd.

Even with today's net loss of US$10.00, we are still heartened by the generosity of our reader, who wrote:

I am sending my money to Kurt because I like to read his blog everyday and I think people should backup their support for quality writing in a monetary way.



It was what we really wanted to do anyway

June 26, 2006

Readers have expressed a desire to know more about the blogmaster and his personal life (if any), so I have decided to share with you my most recent medical battle and its happy resolution.

Recently, I began to notice a decline in my men's powers. For many men, this decline manifests itself in a thinning of the hair, loss of pep, and reduced functionality of one's junk. I experienced additional symptoms, such as tantruming (with attendant floor kicking), why me-style sobbing, biting the heel of my hand in a dramatic fashion, pillow abuse, and much much more. Doctors say this is normal and charge you for a full office visit.

There are a variety of pills available through traditional medical channels and in Chinatown shops, but they only address the symptoms, i.e. they get the junk up and running. In contrast, the man pills I discovered and now take in excess addressed the problem itself. They restored junk functionality by raising the levels of man chemicals in my blood to pre-1980 levels, just before Lady in Red was released.

The improvement has been dramatic; Now I can perform normal sexual activities (and the stuff I do). Other macho traits have returned, such as yelling YEAH at the television, high- and low-fiving others, and getting up in other people's grills. Thank God to whoever developed these now-illegal pills and the many criminals involved in their distribution.

June 23, 2006

Rare OPE products:

June 22, 2006

To our surprise, the kissing booth was a disaster. Everybody wanted tongue, and Todd wearied more quickly than we'd imagined. We took in almost $200, but then spent it all on antibiotics. As you know, OPE employees do not have health coverage, so if they get strep from kissing every sailor in town, they have to pay for their treatment out of pocket.

So we're looking at other fundraising options. I received a Trader Joe's gift card from family members for my birthday, and I'm working on a scheme in which I purchase peanut butter and other nut butters with the card, then return them for a cash refund. I will keep you posted on my progress.

In the meantime, keep us in your prayers (if any) or take direct action by making a non tax-deductible contribution to OPE through our PayPal account (using the email address in our user profile).

June 21, 2006

Well, school is out, which means there are no work prospects for 11 weeks. Todd and I have been brainstorming ideas for new sources of revenue for OPE now that I am temporarily unable to win bread. Here they are, in a particular order:

1. Todd could work extra hours at the porno store or take on a few of the additional "cash jobs" that the owner frequently offers. Todd could then reinvest those moneys into OPE. At our current rate of growth, investors like Todd could expect OPE to reach profitability by the year 2015, minus one-time costs (larger staff hot tub).

2. Todd could do a good turn (and help OPE at the same time) by selling his blood. I unfortunately do not meet clean blood requirements, but Todd is an untainted blood source and could probably give several pints a day with minimal fainting. Most blood banks will not allow you to donate more than once every two weeks, but by rotating donations to several banks, Todd could raise enough to pay the entire coffee bill. I love when I get a great idea!

3. Kissing booth! One of us - ideally Todd - could set up a booth on the street offering kisses to passersby for $1.00 ($1.25 w/tongue). Then, I could raise interest in the booth through the strategic use of signage, and by pointing and yelling That dude will kiss anyone!

I'm confident that, with my brains and Todd's willingness to obey, our money stores will soon be replenished.


This is where we hide our money roll

June 20, 2006

Yesterday, I neglected to mention the trip I took over the weekend. I was a little bored, so I popped down to Peru for a quick tour of the major sights. Boy was it fun. Luckily, I took a few quick pics to share with my readers.


The train ride from Peru International Airport was beautiful. We played gin rummy and ate a Peruvian snack while enjoying the view.


We passed the lake and saw some Peruvian reed boats. The boatsmen wear a hat that traditionally keeps the sun out of their eyes. The family (seated) is heading off to do something Peruvian.


Finally, we reached the main city. Peruvian people were everywhere. They really enjoy sitting! We were disappointed that they weren't wearing ponchos.


Dinner was fried seafood in a Peruvian sauce. We could taste lots of spices.


At the hotel, we slept in a typical bed with pillows. The next morning we had some local coffee, and then headed off to the airport. It was great to get away.


I was in seat 18D.

June 19, 2006

Dear Regal Entertainment Group,
Enclosed please find my Regal Crown Club card ("It's more than a movie!") issued to me some three years ago at one of your participating theaters. "Earn free movies!" was your promise to me when I initially joined those many years ago. Although you technically kept that promise, you neglected to mention the myriad restrictions that made earning the "free movie" a life's work and realizing the "free movie" a near impossibility.

Firstly, Club members must purchase tickets at the counter to receive Club points. Many a Friday evening, I have waited faithfully in The Line with commoners, while those using the electronic ticket machines came and went, securing the best seats and getting the yellowest popcorn. It hardly felt like being in a club, but I did it anyway, to "earn free movies!"

Secondly, the RCC card, as you know, is a 30 mil laminated PVC card, identical in weight and construction to a bank credit card. It takes a dedicated club member to tote a wallet-thickening card like that around day in and day out for three years. But I made the commitment, because I believed I would "earn free movies!"

Finally, one must accrue 120 points - at one point per dollar - to earn a "free movie," but the maximum one can earn per day is twelve points. You do the math (you undoubtedly already have): With movie tickets selling for ten dollars or more - even for The Break-Up - companion tickets purchased by a documented clubmember are almost worthless, pointwise.

Still, it was with great excitement that I received the news that, after all my diligence, I would be earning my first free movie on my very next visit to a Regal, United Artists, or Edwards cinema. Put your money away I told my companion that day, your ticket will be free! But when I went to pay - after a lengthy wait in the line with the hoi polloi - I had to purchase 2 full fare tickets, and I received a free movie "coupon" for use on "my next visit."

On closer inspection, I noticed that the coupon was "void on NO PASS attractions," (all movies are NO PASS for the first 10 days of their run) and it expired in three months. My local Regal Cinema has only two screens and rarely shows a film for more than two weeks, so it is a near mathematical impossibility for me to receive my club benefits.

What can one say at such a time besides What a rip! The final reward was hardly worth the energy it took to carry the card those many years. Although I can never get back the calories I expended, I can (and do!) resign in protest from the Regal Crown Club and, should there ever be a meeting of this club, I plan to warn other members of the treatment I received.

I assure you I am already enjoying my less burdensome wallet; my pant leg rides higher and my stride is freer. It is a daily reminder that the decision I made was right and just.

Kurt Xxxxxxxxx

June 16, 2006

Yesterday was the last day of instruction in the school district where I sporadically work in a famous American city. You may recall I recently substituted in a first grade class for 19 nonconsecutive days with no reprimandable incidents. I know that the district sees me as a babysitter; they pay me to keep the kids from hitting each other and eating tacks, not to care. But even without compensation for it, I miss some of those filthy little goblins, especially the one that brought cookies.

I also miss the end of year festivities: the performances, the parties, the field trips, and especially all the teacher gift booty. It's the time of year when parents show the love, some more effectively than others. In addition to the bad drugstore chocolates, margarine-laden baked goods, and lame personalized mugs, there is an occasional score in the form of a gift card or luxury personal grooming accessory.

My rule with gift cards is that I must spend the entirety of their balance on me - no using them to purchase gifts for undeserving family members or sick friends. This rule is easy to remember but hard to honor in times of low bank account balance. Since I currently have no funds earmarked for gifts for others, only windfall moneys are available for this purpose. With Father's Day coming, I do not know how I will honor my own father while simultaneously honoring my lifelong gift card rule.

Dad always said Everything you touch turns to shit. Well, this year I will prove him wrong. My Lotto numbers will come through, or my dogs will start winning, or someone will finally bid on my Caw Beanie Baby (with tag crease). Then I will be able to get him a gift he really deserves.

June 15, 2006

For those who follow the doings of celebrities, I occasionally reveal in this blog the famous people I have seen in my world travels. Last September, I provided details of three celebrity sightings: Sofia Coppola, Jim Jarmusch, and Ty Pennington.

Since then, I have seen additional famous people, and I would like to update readers at this time. Below, I list the celebrities along with a description of what they were doing and their approximate state of mind. Note: this information is for entertainment purposes only; it may not be incorporated into any fanzines, home shrines or other stalkabilia without the express written permission of me.

Who: Filmdom's Paul Giamatti
What: Purchasing a book at Shakespeare & Co.
Aspect: Vaguely hostile (singing loudly to himself, sighing audibly, and doing leg stretches against the front counter in a dramatic and alarming fashion)

Who: The adorable Carol Kane
What: Ambling by The Public Theater, arm in arm with an older woman, possibly her mother?
Aspect: Buddha-like, as if in a trance

Who: TV's Fran Drescher
What: Coming out of a theater where she had just performed (not very well), signing autographs.
Aspect: Pleased with the adoration, though slightly embarrassed?

I wish I had more to offer. Until I spot another celebrity, please try to live with the regular people around you as if they mattered.

June 14, 2006

I was a little late posting today because the OPE truck broke down on the way to the offices. Luckily, I was able to make the necessary repairs myself.

Some parts had broken on the underside of the vehicle, and they were difficult to access. Luckily, I spotted some discarded lumber scraps and thought up a solution. I retrieved the lump of concrete I always keep behind the seat for chocking the wheels and used it to secure the vehicle's fore and aft movement. Then, I jacked the vehicle up and, after determining the optimal load-bearing points for my supports, I strategically placed the lumber scraps under the vehicle. (For safety reasons, I never work under a jack). As you can see, my calculations were correct. Replacing the failed part was a breeze, and I was back on the road in moments.



The truck ran perfectly, but I had promised to drop some friends off at the municipal airport on my way to the offices, which caused further unexpected delays. They fly Blue Sky Aviation exclusively, because of their reputation of on-time performance and economical fares. What Blue Sky fans always choose to ignore is BSA's huge lion problem.

As usual, lions were lounging under the right wing of the aircraft, preventing the loading of luggage and the onplaning of passengers. BSA's usual remedy - shaking a bag of Friskies cat treats - had not worked this time, and the cabin crew were panicking.

Because of my history with lions, I took an advisory role, telling the waiting passengers don't try to pet them and they're cute, but they bite. Then I drew the lions away in much the same manner as a mother cheetah draws lions away from her pups. I stayed to help with the ticketing and boarding, then left, making it back here to the OPE offices before the last of Todd's muffins were gone. What a day!

June 13, 2006

Bush Makes Surprise Trip to Baghdad
Expected to Stay Through Brunch

BAGHDAD, Iraq - President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq on Tuesday. He had initially planned to travel on Air Force One to Knott's Berry Farm but changed his mind when he discovered that he had missed Beanie Baby Days.

Bush met with the new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and discussed al-Maliki's probable assassination.

It was a dramatic move by Bush, who skipped his squash practice for the trip.

"This trip is important to the American people - I can do a double workout on Thursday," Bush said.

Bush met with al-Maliki in heavily fortified green zone. The two high-fived, but when Bush said "Down low," the Prime Minister only stared.

Aside from al-Maliki and his cabinet, Bush went to see Jalal Talibani, Iraq's largely ceremonial president.

"These ceremonial meetings are my only joy," Talibani said.

Beanie Baby Days are May 27-29, June 3-4, 10-11, 17-18, and 24-25 at Knott's Berry Farm.

June 12, 2006

With entrance fees to many museums, caves and forts around the US at an all-time high, many unemployed and thrifty citizens have had to turn to creating fake student IDs to obtain reduced student admission fees. The process is humiliatingly ingenuous.

First, you need a scanner and a current US student. As before, I used my connections with the local community college to lure students to the OPE offices for an interview for an internship with the blog. The first prospective victim, after declining several invitations to use the bathroom, finally agreed that he had to go a little. I used the opportunity to slip his ID card from his backpack and make a quick scan. After he returned, I told him I thought he would make a terrible intern, and I showed him the door. Then I set to work making the necessary alterations to his ID.

Swapping out the photos was easy, but I had trouble matching the font of the original ID, so I decided to leave his name on the finished product in the hopes that admissions personnel nationwide will give the ID only a brief once-over.

Let the savings begin!

June 9, 2006

Teen Goes To Mideast To Meet Man From MySpace
Last teen in US who doesn't know that guys on MySpace are all 40

SAGINAW, MI - Jordanian authorities have detained a 16-year-old U.S. girl who told her parents she was going to Chicago, but then got on a plane to the Middle East to meet a man she met on MySpace.

"But he looked just like Shia LaBeouf!" said the teen.

The man apparently got lucky and found the last teenage girl in America who still thinks that people tell the truth in their Internet profiles.

"Can you imagine the odds?" asked Internet expert Tina Reffett, hypothetically.

No one suspected the teen had left the country until Wednesday, when her stepmother said "When's that girl gettin back with my smokes?"

The teen had disappeared from her home in Gilford, Michigan, on Monday and apparently planned to visit a man whose MySpace account describes him as "100% teenage."

"We don't know if a crime has been committed at all," said Undersheriff James Joosey, "Being as this all took place on one of them computer thingies."

FBI spokesman Brian Undrial declined to provide any details and would not comment on the man's identity or background. Thanks a lot, Brian.

The teen's mother said her daughter had persuaded her to help her get a passport so she could go on a two-week vacation to Chicago with a friend's family.

On Sunday, they drove to a bus station for that trip, but the family didn't show up. The mother said she called them, learned there was no trip and brought her daughter home. The next day, the teen was gone.

"Looking back now, I think the trip to Chicago was a fake," said the mother.

Read the story in Russia's Pravda:
Acquaintance in Internet very danger

June 8, 2006

Cancer claims Wife of Carl's Jr. founder

Scottsdale, Ariz - Margaret Magdalen Heinz Karcher, wife of Carl's Jr. restaurant chain founder Carl N. Karcher, died Tuesday of liver cancer.

It has been a very busy year for cancer, with little letup. Already in 2006, cancer has taken the lives of Lou Rawls, Dennis Weaver, Don Knotts, and Coretta Scott King, as well as hundreds of thousands of non-famous people.

Though the number of cancer deaths dropped to 556,902 in 2003, down from 557,271 the year before, cancer still has a very heavy schedule.

Tellingly, cancer's approval rating is the lowest in history. The latest polls show that only .0014% of Americans approve of the job cancer is doing.

"On behalf of the entire Board of Directors and staff of Carl Karcher Enterprises, we are extremely saddened by the death of Mrs. Karcher, and very angry at cancer," said President and CEO Kathy Long.

Karcher was scheduled to speak at the Ledner Center in Scottsdale June 9 as part of the Lifelines speaker series. Thanks to cancer, the event had to be canceled.


Lab mice are some of the hardest hit by cancer

June 7, 2006

Gay marriage amendment likely to fail, and fail fabulously

WASHINGTON - With a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage expected to fail Wednesday, an impassioned debate here Tuesday centered on whether the Senate drapes really complement the carpet.

Republican Rich Sanitarium asked senators to come away from the drapes, saying "we are facing the greatest moral issue of our time."

"People say 'I can't afford health insurance for my family' or 'my child's school has no chairs and tables' - well, once we vote on this amendment, we might have time to do some actual governing!"

"This is not what the American people want to talk about," said Independent Senator Harvey Neid. "They want to talk about Brangelina's baby. Have you seen the pics on the cover of Hello magazine? That is one cute infant!"

The amendment would define marriage as the union between a man and a woman who don't really like each other anymore and are just going through the motions.

Supporters appear to be more than a dozen votes short of the 67 senators it takes to approve a constitutional amendment.

Republican John McBain said Tuesday that while he is required to say he believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, he opposed amending the constitution, saying "it's already really long."

"If we fail to define marriage, then anyone will be able to make a commitment to love another person, and then what kind of world would we be living in!" said Republican Dwayne Ballard.

"Whether it passes or not this time, I get paid my full salary, plus it kind of looks like we are doing something," said Sen. Orrin Thatch, who went on to praise the Congressional gym.


Another morally superior heterosexual marriage

June 6, 2006

I received a call on Thursday from a friend who was planning to drive across this great country of ours and who was looking for a companion who would talk incessantly and keep him from dozing off and driving off the road. He naturally thought of me. I rarely get an excuse to eat fast food for several consecutive days, so I agreed.

This friend recently accepted a one-year position with the Federal government doing he can't say and needed to transport the family car and some personal possessions such as puffy jackets to the new home-for-a-year. Rather than accept the government's offer to chopper his car there (and then deny it ever happened), he thought it would be fun and cost-saving to drive. I had no opinion on the matter, and I said so.

Because of my responsibilities here at the blog, I chose to join him for the first leg only, which terminated in the city where The Brother lives. I stopped in for a short visit, in which The Brother reiterated his superiority to other people, and I flew out Monday via jet airplane.

I thought of the blog often during my travels and, though I am aware that one can post remotely to one's blog, I did not bring a portable laptop computer and I was never within shouting distance of a wireless signal, except at the airport, but that lady with the laptop was not a sharing person. I told her that we are all part of a human community and that we succeed or fail based on how we care for one another, but she only said Let go! It was a cheap trick, but it worked, and a group of would-be rescuers was forming as I made my escape.

But you can't say I didn't try.



It's a good thing I wore my beanie

June 5, 2006

I was unable to give my full attention to today's post because I accepted an invitation to lunch in a notable American city famous for its large Salt Lake. If you are ever there, I recommend the Cajun Chicken Sandwich at The Fiddler's Elbow.

June 2, 2006

Angelina Jolie's baby has own website

Jolie, who allegedly gave birth last weekend, ordered aides to buy the website address ShilohNouvelJolie-Pitt.com, reports BabyWatch magazine. Aides said that the site was already owned by Tina Reffett.

Reffett says she does not plan to sell it.

"I'm gonna name my baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt Dot Com," she said. "And I'm gonna need that web page for all her pics."

Experts say it is technically possible for Reffett to become pregnant.

Shiloh Nouvel is the first child Pitt and Jolie have reported having. The new arrival apparently has her father's nose and refuses to give it back.

"Waah," she is reported to have said.

People at a local hospital in Namibia described Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt as "the white baby that gets her own room."

June 1, 2006

OPE zine issue #9 mailed out this week, with the following message to subscribers (Note: if you are a subscriber, you may want to wait for your copy to arrive for the full impact):

A message to our subscribers

On January 8, 2006, the US Postal Service raised the 1 oz. letter rate from $0.37 to $0.39. The additional-ounce rate also increased $0.01, to $0.24. With each issue of OPE weighing in at just under two ounces (enveloped), our costs have risen $0.03 per issue per person, or $0.18 annually per subscriber.

While we would be completely within our rights to collect our 18 cents from each of you, we have decided to put people before profits this time. It just makes sense. We are pledging not to increase subscription rates for Year Two (subject to change at any time). Instead, we are finding other ways to cut costs at OPE, such as creating toner-saving cartoons that have on average 36% more white space, stealing colored paper for our cover from the local elementary school during substitute teaching assignments, and selling our envelope-licking machine on eBay and reverting to manual tonguing.

At $4.00 an issue, OPE is one of the least economically priced zines on the market (tied with that zine about the guy with the gay computer), and the only zine to offer an industry-first 0% discount on annual subscriptions. Our devoted readers and bewildered gift subscribers have stayed with us despite some insultingly thin issues and little or no coverage of the hip hop scene. That is why, at this time of rising costs, we are making such a generous gesture. It’s our way of saying We would take a bullet for you. It’s just how we feel.

Kurt and the staff of OPE