May 31. 2006

Well, it has happened. At the school where I subbed for 19 nonconsecutive days, I have unfortunately gotten a good reputation, and now they keep calling me to work. This was my greatest fear (next to being offered a position!). While I would like to work from time to time as it suits my schedule, I am simply too busy to make myself available to every teacher who wants to fake being sick for a day. I have my commitments to OPE zine (Issue #9 mailed out 5/30/2006) as well as my important research on the subject of Mr. Charles Durning. Also, my ongoing efforts to effect a change in our nation's gelato laws take up much more time than one would think.

It's only lunchtime, and already I have made one student cry. He felt I was unfair in my punishments. Apparently they were doing it too. The fourth grade teacher gave me some sage advice last week. When one of her students is upset or cries, she says she advises him/her to suck it up!, a technique she undoubtedly learned during her extensive study of child psychology.

There is so much I can learn here!

May 30, 2006

Study finds global warming may worsen poison ivy

WASHINGTON - Poison ivy grows faster and bigger as carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere rise, researchers reported on Monday.

This is bad news for those who hope to tough out the global warming in northern Canada. In addition to the scorching temperatures, noxious air and ongoing battle for canned goods, they will now have to worry about carrying adequate supplies of calamine lotion.

"I just don't have any more room in my future sled," said survivalist Tina Reffett.

And a carbon dioxide-driven vine produces more of its rash-causing chemical, itchioxide, researchers said. In the globally warm future, experts predict that a bottle of calamine lotion could cost as much as three twinkies in barter.

Greenhouse gases have been steadily increasing in the atmosphere since the Industrial Revolution, and sources say that Oprah is very concerned.

Compared to poison ivy grown in usual atmospheric conditions, those exposed to the extra-high carbon dioxide grew about three times larger, scientists reported.

"It's just like with pot," said lead researcher Tony "Kip" Baylor.

Poison ivy is common in woods, making it a bane of everyone whose legs touch the ground. Hikers say "Leaves of three, let it be," and then step in it anyway.

"Man, do it itch!" said Reffett.

May 29, 2006

Today I received a huge surprise from Todd (besides the usual one). There was a knock on the door of the OPE offices, and Todd refused to answer it. Because Todd always does what he's told, I knew that something was afoot! When I opened the door by myself, there stood Mr. Charles Durning!

He had called the offices last week to thank me for my posts and had spoken to Todd. Apparently Todd made an impression on Mr. Durning, who arranged to come by and meet us all in person. He stayed all morning, drinking several cups of Todd's coffee and drilling him with questions. In turns out that due to the recent firestorm of interest in Mr. Durning, he is in the market for a personal assistant. Todd of course believes he is unavailable until he finishes his coursework with the community college, so it was amusing to watch the two of them while already knowing the outcome.

But we had fun anyway. We reread my posts of the last week and played some Twister. We did some baking and then posed for some pics together, one of which is appropriate for this blog.

May 27, 2006

Memorial Day concert more than music and respectfulness

Gary Sinise and Joe Mantegna co-host the "National Memorial Day Concert" (8 p.m., Sunday, PBS). This year's concert will salute the pilots who flew with the Air Force during World War II, when planes had only one engine and shot bullets.

Scheduled performers include country star Lee Ann Womack. Peter Gallagher also sings. He may be famous for his role as Sandy Cohen on "The O.C.," but he has a long history of appearing in musicals and then singing the songs in those musicals.

Oscar-winner Dianne Wiest appears, as does Charles Durning. The actor and World War II veteran, who just appeared in the Stephen King thriller "Desperation" and returns in next week's "Rescue Me," has been a regular at these ceremonies for several years now. He told us "It's the perfect end to a very high-profile week for me." A life-size model of Durning will be on display.

May 26, 2006

It's the Friday before a three-day weekend, which in the teaching profession means time to take a day off. Because there is no professionalism in teaching, half the teachers in the district are out, and we subs have our pick of assignments. Only the children suffer.

I'm teaching that first grade class again. The little button pusher is being pretty good today. The class listened carefully as I introduced the Charles Durning-themed activities we would be doing. They sat quietly during our screening of Dog Day Afternoon and worked hard on their Charles Durning shadow puppets. We ran out of stuffing for our life-size model of Mr. Durning, but he was still pretty damn fat.

I had a few minutes at recess to explore blogdom, and even though it is a Friday, the number of Charles Durning posts was up 45% from yesterday. People are rightfully going Charles Durning crazy. It is simply not safe on the streets for doubters of Durning.

May 25, 2006

I got called for a one-day substitute assignment at the school where I previously worked for 19 nonconsecutive days, and I don't have access to my Charles Durning research materials right now, so today I am going to wing it.

The question on everybody's lips is Why Durning and Why now? Why does Charles Durning inspire so much more excitement and pant wetting than all other character actors working today? More than M. Emmet Walsh and Wilford Brimley. More even than Ned Beatty. His rugged good looks and undeniable masculine aspect cannot fully explain it. Without my notes, I'm unable or unwilling to guess.

Remember him in The Music of Chance, the single creepiest film ever made? While co-star Mandy Patinkin went on to fame in his undeniably riveting ads for Crestor, Durning remained under the radar until this series of posts brought him to prominence again.

Now that a Durning renaissance is underway, his return seems like it was inevitable. But I remember a time (last Sunday, to be precise) when few American knew or cared about Mr. Charles Durning. The pre-Durning era was dark and confusing, but now there is hope. Mr. Durning should be very busy in these, his last few years, crafting some great performances (such as in the upcoming Miracle Dogs Too) to lighten all our lives and show us the way to a better world.

May 24, 2006

Viewership was down 40% for last night's American Idol finale, I presume because of the excitement surrounding Charles Durning's performance in Stephen King's Desperation on ABC. It would appear that Durningmania has hit the States.

I am proud to have gotten everything off the ground with Monday's post. As I wrote at the time, my intention was to reignite America's fiery love of this man that was first set ablaze in 1973 when he played Lieutenant William Snyder in The Sting.

That I have succeeded is a testament to the powers of the Internet, the wires of which connect every home in the world (through the giant CIA compound in Montana). We hear all the time how dangerous the Internet is; every day people's identities are stolen, or they chat with someone who has misrepresented their height, or they accidentally watch four hours of porn. But with this Durning episode, the Internet, just this once, was used for good.

In other news, I am hard at work on Issue #9 of OPE zine, which still has no Durning-themed work. I hope to remedy that today.


Mr. Charles Durning

May 23, 2006

As I had hoped, the blogosphere is now abuzz with posts about Charles Durning. All is going as planned.

The folks from the Internet contacted me today regarding my Durning series and asked that I wait a day or two to give local routers a chance to cool down after the thousands of hits they took yesterday. But with Charles Durning turning 84 (hopefully) next February, waiting is not an option.

Our normally wildly misinformed commenter Hatlo had a rare moment of insight yesterday when he praised Durning's turn as the Governor in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. This Oscar-nominated performance was doubly astonishing because Mr. Durning reportedly did the film "cold," without any coaching or previous Governoring experience.

Mr. Durning was all over my TV set last night, first in the treacly Everwood, playing "Grampa" with aplomb, then in the newly released DVD of Mel Brooks' To Be Or Not To Be (US 1983), acting his way to his second of two Academy Award nominations.

For the Durning-curious, To Be Or Not To Be is an excellent first rent. But I must warn you: he is very funny. Tinkle first.

May 22, 2006

Occasionally we take time out from our regular posts to talk about two-time Academy Award-nominated actor Charles Durning. While one hears daily about the doings of such film superstars as Helen Hunt, Sigourney Weaver, and Wesley Snipes, one gets only occasional news of Mr. Durning. No word on who he vacationed with in Lake Como. No shots of him sunbathing in St. Barts.

In an upcoming series of posts about Charles Durning, I hope to reawaken America's love affair with this great actor and show how blogs can affect our world. With many in the legitimate media saying that bloggers are just unemployed losers and the overweight homebound, it is time we showed the world that, on the Internet, quality content comes first (after porn).

Charles Durning was born quite a while ago somewhere probably in the US. His childhood was typical, except for one traumatic experience which forever shaped him. He later took up acting. He has appeared in numerous films ever since he began acting, and has just completed work on a new film to be released in the future.

His classic performances have been preserved for all time in the popular DVD format. I recently woke up on the couch and saw him in the second half of a late night movie (unless that was Brian Dennehy), and he reimpressed me with his performance. In the hands of another actor, it would have been different.

Will he ever get another shot at an Academy Award? He is approximately 80 years old now, and probably short of breath, so chances are not good. That is why we are honoring him here, in these pages.

More tomorrow.


A picture of film actor Charles Durning

May 20, 2006

According to the June 2006 issue of Everyday Food

Gelato has less air pumped into it than
ice cream and therefore is denser

So not only are we Americans paying $4.10 for a scoop of "iced cream" while the rest of the Western world is paying a confirmed US$0.80 for a single scoop of gelato, but they are getting more product than we are!

President Bush, where are you? Americans are paying up the nose for air!

May 19, 2006

Britney Spears baby shocker!

Britney Spears stumbled outside a Manhattan hotel, nearly dropping her 8-month-old son and further fueling the ever-growing media scrutiny of her parenting skills.

Whereas most mothers never make mistakes of any kind, Britney Spears has now made three mistakes in three months.

Earlier this week, she was photographed driving with Sean Preston in a car seat facing forward. California Law does not specify whether a child safety seat must face forward or backward, which means Britney Spears is going to be criticized no matter what she does.

Last year the Oregon Department of Transportation provided inspections of child safety seats and found 85 percent were improperly installed. Britney Spears, however, is not from Oregon.

Then on Friday, the 24-year-old pop star was exiting The Ritz-Carlton hotel with Sean Preston in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Surrounded by photographers hoping for her to make a mistake of any kind, Spears stumbled and bent low. Sean Preston's head flung backward, knocking off his favorite orange hat. "Waaa," he said.

Spears, like most people, was able to keep her balance, so it is unclear what exactly the story is here.

"I got lucky," said photographer Tina Reffett, who snapped the photo that was splashed across the front page. "One second later and it would have been a picture of Sean P completely safe in his mother's arms."

Media critics say that no person could withstand such relentless scrutiny, except perhaps Carol Channing.

"We demonize people to allay our guilt about the mistakes we have made with our own children," said Psychologist Brian Popo. "Britney Spears is just a convenient target, because she looks so stupid doing all those stupid things."


We use the Spears Technique too!

May 18, 2006

Well, ladies and gentleman, it's over! Today was my last day in this assignment.

Though I did not work hard or long (or as if I cared), I participated in the American work experiment and was largely improved by the experience. My record speaks for itself: No children were harmed or went missing on my watch, though there was occasional crying (to be expected). Job site theft was kept to a minimum, though some pilfering is inevitable. Like most Americans, I did an okay job.

Now that I have worked in a modern American public school for 19 nonconsecutive days, I disagree with the growing sentiment around the country that our children aint got no respect no more and that we shoulda never stopped whooping them. I can attest to the fact that they are more boring than ever before. Yesterday, I promised them a Special Project, and when I told them we would be making butter, they said That's all! I think they were expecting some hydrogenated oil-laden microwave popcorn and a two hour shitty kids movie, a classic Friday activity among teachers who have no ideas.

Making butter used to kill them!

I know you have been waiting to see these little miracles of God, so today, on my final day, I give you this picture of the class listening to one very proud student read. Enjoy!

May 17, 2006

Today the student teacher took a fake sick day. I convinced her to take time off now, then finish her student teaching while subbing next week.

I brought the kids to the library where The Scary Lady works. It is clear that the library is everything to her, with the possible exception of the many cats I assume she owns. You can feel her repressing her anger as the children touch the books and cover the tables and shelves with their skin oils.

I've already been scolded by her once. I am responding with one of the most effective tools God gave me: I ignore her. Since interacting with her inevitably leads to scolding, I pretend she is not there and I talk to the students about how very very interesting their books are.

I feel I am beyond the scolding age. And if my age doesn't make me unscoldable, then I feel that my sixteen years of experience in this, the least professional profession, do.

I feel bad that she has no friends except the cats. I feel bad that the library of an elementary school is the only place in the world where she feels she has sovereignty. But all I can say is bitch better step back!

Ya feel me?

May 16, 2006

I had yet another dream about buying gelato, this time in an unspecified country for 76 of their money units, which came out, as always, to US$.80. I ordered chocolate flavor. The vendor spoke perfect English, and I was embarassed because I had screeched It's only 80 cents! I was also worried that, because of me, they would discover the inexplicable discrepancy between our ice cream prices and theirs and respond accordingly.

I woke up four minutes before my usual "alarm" - the sound of percolation from the OPE coffee bay. Todd had just begun his elaborate rinsing rituals that purge the coffee makers of the previous day's residue. He was surprised to see me up and gave a little yelp when I pulled back my bed curtains.

I started today's post but, as has been the case throughout the past few weeks, I was not finished by the time I had to begin my toilette. So I am posting on my lunch break here at the job site. The children are at recess, and though they used to interrupt me asking for a ball or their jacket, they learned quickly what would happen, and now they just whimper quietly to themselves.

The talk in the halls is that this job may end very soon. Then I will spend some time on the kind of posts my readers deserve.

May 15, 2006

Friday I received word that the student teacher's paperwork would likely be ready in "three days," after which she can take over as the substitute teacher. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I welcome the loafing opportunities this presents for me, but on the other hand, I feel like there is much more I could accomplish there.

For example, they gave me my own copier code and I haven't made a single personal copy! I took a tablet of neon Post-Its, but I left the reams of copy paper untouched. I peeked in the supply room, and there were cases of Scotch brand adhesive tape and BIC Wite-Out correction fluid. I know I will kick myself later if I don't take advantage of all this job has to offer, especially if there are ink cartridges.

Then, this morning, the student teacher said she may want to take some time off instead of subbing in the class. Apparently there is time with the boyfriend to consider. My sense of it is that she would like to celebrate her impending teacherdom by getting away from it all for a while. This must stopped at all costs.

I have been trying to sell her on the advantages of seeing this class through to the end of the year and gaining valuable real world teaching experience. Also, there are the end-of-year teacher gifts to consider. It can be quite a haul. I only need a few days to gather all the office supplies I want, then I'm ready for her to take the reins. Let us pray I can convince her.

May 12, 2006

Here he is, the bane of my existence. This little button-pusher gets my blood pressure up just by walking to class. We tell him the behavior we expect, and he always finds a way to follow the letter of the rule, but not the spirit of the rule, which makes me want to scream.

I know our interactions are not healthy for me or him, yet still, in Pavlovian style, I drool at the task of correcting him every time. I'm used to my youngers being excellent instruction followers - quietly making pots of coffee or stealthily tidying up in a satisfyingly covert way - but this little mofo is lacking that attractive quality of wanting desperately to please.

I do get some small pleasure from watching him sit through recess with his head down, but it is always fleeting, spoiled by the knowledge that he cannot be mastered. I do not control him; he controls me.

In other news, the student teacher gave every student a hundreds square today to use during her lesson. Can anyone say chartmaker?

May 11, 2006

Today was the Teacher Appreciation Day luncheon. Teacher Appreciation Day is the day when we acknowledge that teachers are so pathetic that they need a free lunch and attention. Why is there no Attorney Appreciation Day or Doctor Appreciation Day? Because we show our appreciation for them by paying them a living wage and treating them with respect.

Below is the beautiful hundreds chart that the student teacher made for her math lesson today. I appreciate it. It represents approximately two to twelve hours of work (my estimate). Let's take a look at what she could have done instead:

1. Taken a hundreds chart from any mathematics teacher's manual and ran it through the chartmaker

2. Gone to the other teachers at the school and said Hey - you got a hunderts chart I kin borrow?

3. Bought a hundreds chart at the teacher supply store

4. Said I don't get paid enough to hand make a hunderts chart - I guess that lesson is canceled

This student teacher is an intelligent, hardworking young American. It's just that I ostensibly hate to see anyone making teaching even harder than it already is.

May 10, 2006

Gold Rises to 25-Year High on Iran Concern

May 10 - Gold rose to a 25-year high and platinum reached a record as the standoff between Iran and the U.S. intensified, causing everyday American citizens to stockpile gold all over their houses.

After the bombs rain down, the banks will all be destroyed or have limited business hours, and gold will be the currency of choice for transactions with the roving bands of hooligan traders.

"When I heard about Iran, I went straight to the gold store and bought ten pounds," said concerned American citizen Tina Reffett.

"There's fear over what's happening with the Iranian situation,'' Jonathan Barrett, head of foreign exchange and precious metals at GoldMaxx, said from his office today. "People know that in a post-apocalyptic landscape, the only items with buying power with be precious metals and high calorie snack foods like Twinkies, Ho-hos and Snowballs."

"Automobiles and electric motors will be useless," Reffett said, "so I bought a little wagon to pull my gold around in."

Gold for immediate delivery in London is selling 25 times faster than this time last year, surpassing both pizza and fish 'n chips.

"Everybody's seen Mad Max," said Ron Cameron, a London-based analyst, "They know exactly what to expect."

"Gold's a safe haven; it's the currency with the greatest integrity because it is really heavy and shiny," Cameron said. "When the End Times come, I would have a huge stockpile of both gold and Suzy Qs."

"And, for the record, I do not own any shares of Hostess stock or shares of their parent company Monsanto (MON)," Cameron added.

May 9, 2006

Monday we were called to the auditorium along with eight other classes to prepare for a big assembly that will take place later this month. The children were to practice singing and pumping their arms to the song The Lo©omotion by Carol King and Gerry Goffin. It was not an impressive practice. Of course, it is always easy to find fault when you are not the one in charge, so here we go.

The teacher running the practice first admitted to the children that she had looked on the Internet "all weekend" for the song The Lo©omotion and wasn't able to find it, but that all 200 students were going to practice the song they had never heard anyway. This did not bode well for the practice, but I thought Certainly a spirited performer could inspire the children to get excited about any song!

Experts say that when you sing a song with children you should 1) set the song in a key in which the highest notes are not too high and lowest notes not too low so that the children can sing them, and 2) you should be able to carry a tune yourself. The teacher's strategy was to unwittingly shift keys throughout the song so that all the notes stayed very close together. While it was easy to sing, it will be difficult to reproduce.

Without lyric sheets and trying to "sing" along with the teacher, my students became hopelessly lost. I had already taught them that if they get lost during a performance, they should silently mouth some words so they'll at least look good on stage. I must say that my students were doing some of the most accomplished mouthing I've ever seen. I was very proud.

I also wanted to point out that The Lo©omotion is not a Kylie Minogue song as the teacher said. The first time I heard it, it was by Grand Funk Railroad in 1974, and it was already a remake.

May 8, 2006

The OPE offices didn't open until 9:00 AM Sunday as staffers - after two weeks of early shifts - were encouraged to arrive late and work at half capacity.

After my coffee, I reclined on the pillow pile and considered my accomplishments of the past weeks. Not anyone can work 8:00 AM to 3:00 PM for ten nonconsecutive days. Many find the routine too strenuous and opt for falsifying disability claims. I too was tempted by that road but chose the higher path of daily work for two straight weeks. It is not easy, especially when they are passing out disability checks like candy.

Not everyone supported me in my decision. Some mocked me for participating in The Man's Plan for keeping the people down. Some threw hissy fits because multiple pots of coffee were sitting undrankened on their burners (No, I can't just cut production every time you get a sub assignment!). But, in the end, I had a responsibility to the children of whatever that school is (and a gelato bill that was not going to pay itself).

So, as I head off to work this morning, I must ignore the disapproving glances of some OPE staffers and focus on my duty to the children of this great country. They are American heroes.

May 5, 2006

I would like to join the blogger Hatlo in wishing all our Mexican American friends a joyous Cinco De Mayo. Without using Google, I'm just going to say that Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the Mexican Army over the French some time in the 19th century. On CDM, Mexicans, people of Mexican descent, and those looking for an excuse to party hold barbeques and smack the piñata around to celebrate this important asskicking.

Our class has no CDM events planned. This school has a population of less than 1% Mexican American students and, as you know, education means studying only the traditions of your own people. In a multicultural society, it is important for each of us to learn about our heritage and then feel proprietary about it.

It is also Friday today, which means I have two whole days off. I deliberately did not schedule any speaking events, and I'm skipping my weekend prison visit so I can hit the pillow pile whenever the napping urge hits me. Have a great weekend!


"Shake hands with me, I'm the president."

May 4, 2006

Tomorrow will be my tenth day in this assignment which means, in this district, I get a pay bonus of $23US per day retroactive to the first day. I am excited about making it to ten days and getting the bonus, and I am now ready for the assignment to end. I need to devote some serious time to OPE zine issue #9 and then, if I have any energy left, to this blog.

Having a job is good for the self esteem and bank account, but it seriously disrupts one's napping regimen. Eight and a half hours of sleep at night is nice, but scientists say that supplemental cat naps are essential to maintaining strong teeth, a healthy scalp and a leisurely aspect. When I don't get naps, I'm much more fussy and prone to tantruming. I think my skin suffers too.

People keep saying So, you're here til the end of the year? so someone must be telling them this horrible lie. The student teacher was told that the girls in the office would finish processing her paperwork soon, and then she can take over as the sub. Todd has fluffed my pillow pile in anticipation of my return to my nappy spot. Let us hope I will be lounging there soon.

May 3, 2006

I'm posting from a remote computer at the job site. Like most classrooms, this one has three first-generation iMacs on which the children are allowed to play games when they finish their "work."

When I was comin up, there weren't any personal computers. The calculator had just been invented. My father bought one of the first calculators on the market. It was $300 and could only do calculations for the numbers 1, 2 and 4.

A 3 button was added in 1974. My father cursed his misfortune, while calculator sales rose dramatically. That was the year Oscar Texas founded Texas Instruments with the goal of building the first ten digit calculator by 2025. That he succeeded is a testament to the hard work and ingenuity of tens of thousands of Chinese workers.

My brother owned one of the first personal computers, the Commodore VIC-20, and at the age of 19, he learned two programming languages. Sensing that computers had no future, he left the field to pursue his dream of learning to lay carpet. I saw the future of computers, but decided to study something that mattered to me. This is the hugest mistake anyone can make.

The truth is, work is boring, boring stuff. You should study something that pays well, so that if you must work, you can make the absolute most amount of money possible and quit working as early as possible. Pass it on.

May 2, 2006

Day 7 of my sub assignment. Two more days and I will have earned enough to pay my rent. This will be the first time in 18 months that I have paid my rent the honest way. Todd is so relieved that we will have the cash this month and we won't have to do that other thing.

As you may remember, I coached the student teacher through the process of becoming a sub in the hopes that I would get out of this assignment after two or three weeks. She turned in the last of her paperwork yesterday. Usually the district screws something up, then screws something else up, so her timing looks to be about right.

Today I will be drawing silhouettes of the kids for Mother's Day. You know the drill: they sit in a chair, I shine a light on them and trace their shadow with chalk on a piece of black paper. By sitting very still and having no involvement in the process, the children learn powerful scientific concepts about light.


"But the kids had fun!"

May 1, 2006

I am slowly adjusting from overseas time to the time zone where I live and getting up later each morning, but my sub job's start time remains unchanged, so this morning's post will be a bit of a rush job.

The children have been practicing a tuneless version of a popular children's song of yore and, out of total boredom, I have been accompanying them during practices. Last week, one little goblin asked me if I would accompany them at their performance some time in mid-May. I responded Sure, for fifty bucks. So this adorable little troll has been bringing me money each day in small denominations - a dollar one day, five dollars another- in the hopes that I will keep my promise. Unfortunately, her payments have been sporadic, and at her current rate, she will not be able to meet my fee in time. Oh well.

While the teacher is soloing, I am pulling the children out for some individual testing, a mildly interesting activity that I much prefer to standing around. I tested the aforementioned little goblin, and she did quite well, so I'm not sure why she is having a problem understanding fifty bucks.