April 29, 2006

Work has been slow on OPE zine Issue #9. My sub job is inconveniently scheduled during the most productive hours of the day, and what's worse, it appears there is a Saturday work hangover, during which the brain tries desperately to reexcite the neurons that shut down during the week due to inactivity. How Einstein managed to write Über einen die Erzeugung und Verwandlung des Lichtes betreffenden heuristischen Gesichtspunkt while working as an assistant examiner at the Swiss Patent Office I'll never understand. He must have been taking a larger dose of ginseng than me.

Friday, some teenagers taught a lesson to our class. They had designed the lesson themselves and were receiving some sort of school credit for it, so the only people who suffered were the children. Though the lesson kept the kids busy - it involved making a butterfly out of coffee filters - it was lacking in something I would call content.

Poorly designed activities always receive the defense But the kids liked it. Well, kids like to pull puppies' tails and watch them yelp, but that doesn't make it a worthwhile lesson. Let's face it, making cutesy crap in elementary school is an American tradition that brings smiles to our mothers' faces, fills the fronts of our refrigerators, and wastes thousands of hours of potential learning time. We already know our children can paste things to paper bags, yet we require them to show us again and again.


Oh Timmy, it's beautiful!

April 28, 2006

I have freely admitted that this sub assignment consists mostly of standing around or, more precisely, sitting around, while the student teacher reads the scripted curriculum from the assigned text. When the regular teacher is absent, a class technically needs a sub, even with a student teacher. Someone has to get paid to do nothing, and it might as well be me.

Yesterday, however, a large shipment of boxed textbooks arrived, and the administration decided that tall guy could be put to use stacking them on the dolly and delivering them to the classrooms. Now don't get me wrong, I believe physical labor is good for the soul, and I am not opposed to engaging in it when the pay is excellent and the conditions cool. But I felt there was a principle to be defended here, namely, I aint been hired to move yer damn boxes.

Fortunately, having four surgeries in four years means that at any given time, I have at least one healing body part that is not up to the task at hand. For this job, it was the shoulder. The principal looked disappointed; she was the one who had noted my exceptional height when I first arrived, probably while imagining all the heavy lifting I would be doing for the school. Later, the custodian arrived with the boxes for our class, looking vaguely resentful.

April 27, 2006

The sun has finally come out after a week of overcast weather. This is the kind of day when you consider quitting your job, if you haven't already. I am questioning why I ever took this sub assignment. It seems like a step backward for me. I've already done the tough work of quitting my job; I should stick with my decision and see it through.

Yesterday's Native American dance performance got me thinking I hope in a thousand years elementary school children don't have to watch the dances I did, especially when Oingo Boingo was playing. As well as dancing, the performer taught us some Native American sign language; apparently, the sign for shhh has remained unchanged for thousands of years.

April 26, 2006

This working every day thing I find tiring, and I recommend strongly against it. I think the thing to do is to become very very good at what one does, make oneself indispensable, and then request four day work weeks. That way, one at least would have three of the seven days of the week to exercise the brain and prevent atrophy.

Fortunately, I am still on overseas time, so the early hours of this assignment have not fazed me. Despite rising before the sun, I have still been surprisingly vimful. Remember, I am doing all this without the aid of gelato. Under the American pricing structure, I simply cannot afford even a single scoop.

But I have discovered the miracle herb ginseng, and I've been recommending it to everyone I know whom I wish well. It has given me the energy to stand around and watch other people teach for a full seven hours. If it can do that, it can do anything.


Off to work

April 25, 2006

Day One of my substitute teaching assignment went well. The children were well-behaved and finished all their worksheets, workbooks, and copying from the board with no trouble. As we adults know, the way to learn a new and challenging concept is to copy it from a chalkboard. This powerful learning technique I believe originated with the Greeks, who were master chalkboard builders. It has endured through the millennia as a way to kill time until recess, when the teacher gets to smoke.

I was invited to teach for half an hour from the scripted curriculum, in other words, I did not have to think in any way yesterday. A trained monkey could do what I did, that is, if the district paid enough to attract trained monkeys to the position. Today is the student teacher's solo day, so my standing around skills will be pushed to their limit.

There were whispers in the hallway that I will be teaching this class until the end of the year (!), which of course is unacceptable because of my commitment to OPE and its subsidiary blogs. I am coaching the student teacher through the application process to become a substitute so she take over in two weeks as I pray she will. I only took this assignment to pay off my substantial gelato debts. If I wanted to work every day and read scripted curriculum, I would have kept the last crappy job I had.


Me at my previous position

April 24, 2006

Apparently, I impressed a few people with my ability to stand around and watch other people teach, because I was requested for a two-to-three week assignment at the school where I last substituted. This assignment will involve even more standing around, as the class has a student teacher. I am supposed to warm the air in the classroom with my presence while being sure not to help in any way.

This assignment comes just in time, as I charged everything on my international travel trip to my American Express, and the gelato bill promises to be quite high. It almost seems like someone is looking out for me. I say almost, because someone who was really looking out for me would think to use the Lotto to effect some serious change in my life instead of pussyfooting around with these short job assignments that barely pay the rent. Someone who was looking out for me would say It's time Kurt got that plasma TV and hot tub he's been wanting.

This assignment is only going to delay the inevitable. In preparation for the inevitable, I started vacuuming out the van conversion this morning. Help me, invisible all-seeing ineffectual One!


Who left the newspapers on the floor!

April 23, 2006

Leonardo DiCaprio Injured on Movie Set

Four Canadian soldiers were killed today in southern Afghanistan, and Leonardo DiCaprio sustained a minor leg injury while filming The Blood Diamond in Africa, the actor’s rep said.

"This is one of the worst cases of a minor leg injury I have ever seen," the rep said on Saturday.

"He walked into the hospital grounds surrounded by bodyguards," said Robin Robbyn, spokeswoman for the hospital, who added that the actor consulted a doctor for about two minutes and then left.

"He said his leg felt better," she added.

DiCaprio was apparently hurt during an impromptu hambone performance.

The Blood Diamond, which also stars other actors, is due for release later this year. It will cost $10 to $12 to see, and viewers will be left wondering why they didn't just stay home and rent Raiders of the Lost Ark.


DiCaprio cheering up a patient in the Minor Leg Injury ward

April 21, 2006

I have returned to the OPE Offices! It feels great to be back in The Big Chair again. When I woke up this morning, Todd was fluffing my cushions in anticipation of my return to my seat at the technology center.

Todd had a little blow up later in the morning over an innocent comment I made about his coffee quality having declined substantially during my absence. I may have used the word "swill." And you keep giving me warmups when I don't ask for them, I said. He yelped and then galloped from the room, but returned fifteen minutes later with a new pot. He silently filled my cup, and I tasted the new batch and made an approving ummm sound. Then he went into the kitchen and began pouring out the other pots, making sure I could hear the splash in the sink.

I suspect Todd feels left out of the adventures I am having all over the world and the changes I am making on the inside. He knows I can tell that his feelings are hurt. I think the hardest part for him is that I don't care.

In the words of Rilke, Rejoice in your growth, in which you naturally can take no one with you. I know Todd would not want to hold me back from being the person I am meant to be, nor would I let him. That is why it is so important that I completely ignore what he is going through right now.

April 20, 2006

King of Nepal will speak soon

Kathmandu: King Gyanendra of Nepal will soon make an announcement to defuse the crisis in the country, said Indian Prime Minister's special representative Karan Singh.

"He's just doing some last minute editing, trying to pump up the impact a bit," he said. "His last announcement was kind of a yawner."

Two weeks of often-violent protests and a general strike against palace rule have paralyzed Nepal, leaving cities short of food and fuel and the Himalayan country at its most volatile since King Gyanendra seized power 14 months ago.

The ball is in the king's court now, Singh said. "People are looking to see a new King Gyanendra, one who understands the plight of the Everyman and isn't so quick to give the shoot-on-sight order."

At least three people were reported killed and 16 others were injured when Nepali Police opened fire from choppers as lakh protestors gathered near Kathmandu.

"My meeting with the king was positive," Singh said, adding "and the brunch menu was impressive."

Meanwhile, thousands of anti-king protesters marched towards the Narayanhiti palace, state broadcaster Radio Nepal reported.

"The King is bummed about that for sure," Singh told reporters.

"I don't want to spoil the announcement for you," Singh said, "but the King is really going to speak from the heart this time. Bring a hanky."

April 19, 2006

Many readers have expressed a desire to know more about my international destination. They feel it is not enough for me to share the lessons I learned and the changes I made on the inside; they need superficial labels and photographic documentation, even though the labels The Man puts on the things of this world change with each war/putsch/round of ethnic cleansing, and the photos of the famous sites that ones does so much shoving to get are already on Flickr, and that guy used a much better camera.

Our reader Hiltraut Von Spiegel left the following comment that, thanks to the incredibly powerful translation program Babelfish, I was able to translate accurately:

Hiltraut Von Spiegel said...
Then six gone in Italy! How nice! Perhaps you do not understand what I write, but however I have inasmuch as the signs of the ice cream said "Kiss" and "Bananas" and therefore seem to me that it was Italy where you have made the photo. Beh, welcome in America, and make appeal to me that six returned to the community blog.

Yes, Hiltraut, six did gone in Italy, but I did not, though I admire your sleuthing skills.

Because I respect my readers and fear the ease with which they can delete a bookmark, I am today going to give in to your misguided desire to waive your right of seeing and knowing in favor of viewing symbols AKA here's some pics of my trip.

April 18, 2006

My international travel trip is over, and I am back on America soil. I return to OPE proper on Thursday, and I am sure I will find the offices tidy and sweet-smelling. I expect to see all my personal possessions in their original positions, with only minor signs of fondling and sniffing.

On my trip, I observed the folkways and mores of other cultures, and the experience changed me on the inside. I asked such questions as What is the nature of man? and In a Postmodern landscape, how does one find meaning in everyday life? and How come other countries are able to sell a single scoop of ice cream for only $.90US?

This last question disturbed me greatly. The last time I was in an ice cream selling store in the US, they were asking $4.10 for a single scoop of the product, regardless of flavor. Granted, they were going to fuss with it on a marble slab first. Still, when they quoted the price, I refused to make a purchase. I may also have troubled the sales associate a bit.

Now that I have evidence that ice cream can be produced in a modern Western society for one fifth that price, I must ask Why do we as a people allow this kind of shit to go on? Tens of thousands of ice cream shop owners are taking advantage of the American people's love of and need for ice cream, and George Bush is doing nothing about it. Iran is developing nuclear weapons, he tells us, but on the ice cream issue, he is strangely silent.

This foreign ice cream (or gelato) is not only much cheaper, but it is of superior quality. I sampled the product in two different countries, and I can tell you that marble slab business is just smoke and mirrors! And the presentation was always stunning (see below).


the aforementioned gelato in situ

Also, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Taarzaan for his untiring efforts at OPE during my away time. Should another salaried position be added at OPE, I know he is the first candidate the team would consider. Unfortunately, OPE has a problem with nepotism, so I'm pretty sure we would hire the sound guy's cousin first. But if the world were not grossly unfair, Taarzaan would be a shoe-in.

April 17, 2006

(I'll miss the tiny, parenthetical times we spent together the most)
As I prepare to turn the lights off, fill Todd’s water dish, and leave the blog keys under the doormat, I find myself pausing to reflect the lessons I’ve learned this week—lessons about blogging, lessons about life:
1.Kurt is either really, really good at hiding things—better than I am at finding hidden things—or he really did send my BEA award to an undisclosed location.
2. No matter what lame excuse Kurt may offer as reason to extend my period of servitude, the thing I found under his bed gives me bargaining power. Power like I’ve always dreamed of. Power that will get me my BEA award—at last!!
3. I’m honestly obsessed with that damned award. I should get professional help. After the award is safely in my hands, thank you very much.
4. Todd is the most fun ever. Talk about a good sport!

I find myself reminiscing about my stint here at OPE. How could I ever forget my first day, and all the wonderful comments? All the questions about 8-track tapes, and had I drugged Kurt?
Then there came the lean times—the days when a single comment from a thoughtful reader was all I could look forward to, in between slamming massive amounts of coffee and thinking up new places to search. How I came to appreciate the kind words of Laura R, and the peppery wit of Mendacious. I was going to say something nice about Lisa, but she actually used “lol” in her comment, so I shan’t mention her in this post. Not once. Not even just now. And then there was Hatlo, who cheered me up with their blogging handle—“Hatlo”—huh huh huh!! And who can forget Perpetual Chocoholic’s visual of Todd, naked and blaspheming—an image so puissant that I had to make it a reality (thanks PC)……and then, there was Christi. Dear Christi. I’m from Corpus Christi, so we might be related or something. And I was all set to say nice things about Tara’s World and Siren Seven, but I’m running out of time. Sorry girls.
So I want to extend my thanks to you, the OPE reader, for your kindness and generosity, although some hints or clues about where Kurt hides important stuff would have been nice.
And as far as the interview is concerned—blame Mendacious. She’ll deny everything, but have you looked “mendacious” up in the dictionary?
And pent ultimately, I must stop to thank my blogparents, Mariana and Delta, the two who got me started on the path that led me here. May your words flow effortlessly, and may you stay at least one step ahead of the angry mob that will now dog your every move, now that they know who to blame.
And at last, my thanks to Kurt, for his faith in me, and his willingness to extort and coerce me into blogging daily. I have always depended on the comments of strangers. Now fork over the damn BEA award!!

April 14, 2006

(Extra personnel were called in to scour the compound one last time for my BEA award. Todd's identity was protected with a bunny suit)
As my time here at OPE grows ever shorter, I'm overcome with nostalgia, and a little frustration (the BEA thing. Looked everywhere). As I make my preparations to return to Texas (packing the RV, wiping finger prints off keyboard, short sheeting Kurt's bed), it occurs to me how needless and wrong it is to tamper with poor Todd's psyche. Wrong, because Todd is a kind, innocent, helpful individual; and needless, because I can always resort to brutality if I need to assert myself (or make an escape).
So I've undone my deep conditioning of the poor lad. I'll miss him. I even toyed with the idea of telling Todd that we were going to Six Flags Over Un-Named State #3, and running off to Texas with him. But, my better judgment won again. I know I just can't give Todd the life he's grown accustomed to--I'm just not that autocratic. Or acned.
So, Todd and I will spend our last few days together painting eggs, and hiding them. I painted one black, and hid it in the airvent to Kurt's room. Just call me "Peter Rottentail".

April 13, 2006

(only the finest cheese is used when arsing about with other people's puh-sikeys)
I am pleased to report that the deep conditioning of Todd is going quite well, thanks for asking.
Such a malleable, fertile, cooperative, peppermint puppy-like mind, so receptive and unresisting.
All the toadying and ass-kissing, people pleasing and blind obedience has pre-conditioned our Todd, making him the perfect hypnotic subject. But as I tinker with the inner cogs, the nuts and bolts, the very legos of Todd's psyche, it occurred to me that I was being thoughtless, selfish, and inexcusably boorish. I had failed to recognize the glaringly obvious fact staring me in the face as hard as it possibly could.
That fact is simple and fundamental: give the long suffering and powerless a voice. So I turn to you, gentle OPE reader, for guidance. Tell me what it is that you would personally like to see added to Todd's "software bundle". Be creative. Todd says "nothing too hurty, please."

April 12. 2006

(breaktime at OPE. We play dress up, and pretend to be beat poets. Or we pretend to beat poets)
It's now officially unanimous--we all miss Kurt, and eagerly await his return. Todd was initially pleased to be well treated, but now it's freaking him out. Searching the compound for my BEA award kept him happy and distracted up until today, but as it becomes apparent that it isn't anywhere on grounds, he's fallen idle, and has started whining in his corner.
In order to offer Todd some comforting mistreatment, and also to calm my natural paranoia--oh, I've been played before, yes....."just do X, and we'll return Y",......pull the other one, it's got bells on.......I'm "deep programming" Todd, just in case Kurt tries to extend my "assignment" when he gets back. You may scoff, saying "Taarzaan, your blogging ain't all that", to which I would reply "True, and bite me, but Kurt just might think it would be cool to have two lackeys--one to make coffee, the other to make posts"--and I don't mean the kind you build fences with.
So I've been "conditioning" Todd. All I have to do is whisper the "magic words", and he goes from sweet, toadying, coffee making Todd to stroppy, uncooperative, impossibly flatulent Todd.
Once I have that BEA award safely in hand, I'll turn over the counter command prompts, no harm done, thank you kindly, la de da.
Meanwhile, I'm nervously awaiting my appointment with the tax man. I've bitten all my fingernails down to the wrist, and have started in on Todd's (they taste like coffee).

April 11, 2006

(Todd enjoys puting on puppet shows. He gets his story ideas from his job at the porno store. My image of the three bears is forever tarnished.)
Blogmaster Kurt is due to resume his blogmasterly duties a week from today---Ok, kids, hold the applause, and try not to look so relieved. Really!
I’ve more or less enjoyed my time here at OPE thus far—as much as one can enjoy rummaging through another’s sad frightening belongings while being offered fresh coffee every 10 minutes. Have I mentioned just how wired I’ve been? Todd’s coffee is perfect—rich, well balanced, maximum caffeine jolt with no dyspepsia—he’s worth way more than the 10 centimeter plastic ruler and piece of pre-chewed gum I’ve been offered for him (note to reader “M” in “Lisboa”: I had a look under Kurt’s bed. Another reason I don’t sleep—and haven’t stopped washing my hands. Excuse me a moment…..)
As advanced as Todd’s toadying skills may be, he’s utter pants at filling in tax forms correctly. His math skills seem to be below even mine, so I’ll be off to consult a professional. For you Todd fans, I have collected a series of random quotes and references, gleaned from the pages of OPE. Where else?

“ He always arrives before the rest of the staff, and has a little baked something ready for us upon our arrival. He hovers at our side and anticipates our every need, whispering at intervals Can I warm up your coffee? When it's time to disconnect from the Internet2, he has his cable gloves on and is ready to accept the inevitable electrical shocks that come with the task. He does not tie up the phone line with personal calls. He has no discernible track marks. He always smells nice.”
--- all true. I checked for track marks—everywhere. That boy is ticklish, but he seemed to enjoy the body search. And he does smell nice—kinda like peppermint puppies.

Ok, that was one quote, and it wasn’t that random.

Blogging is hard!

April 10, 2006

Taarzaan: The OPE Interview: Part 2

We resume our exclusive interview with blogger Taarzaan, sitting in for Kurt. For a recap of part one, scroll down the page and just read it, already.

OPE: So, you are planning on becoming a mad scientist when you retire. Are there any rough draft plans for world domination?
Taarzaan: Oh, yes—I had to submit a grant proposal already; there is so much competition for funding. I have a plan to breed pigeons with Celine Dion DNA. The idea is, they are mostly normal looking birds; it’s just that they sing like Celine Dion—in unison. So I hold the world hostage—pay up, or I release the Diva Doves.
OPE: That would be hell on earth. I must admit, I’m impressed, and feeling slight homicidal urges towards you.
Taarzaan: Fair enough.
OPE: Which of your posts on IRBHN do you consider to be most representative of your personality?
Taarzaan…………...........
OPE: Ok, which posts would you recommend to the OPE reader who wants to get more of a feel for the man in the blog seat?
Taarzaan: Well, there’s always the first post, back when I was a dewy blushing virgin… http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/01/introductory-rant.html
OPE: You can do better than that…..
Taarzaan: The second one was ok… http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/01/nu.html
OPE: Is this just going to be a sequential series of links to your blog?
Taarzaan: Oh, no—most of my posts were useless until around August. I got tired of polite newsy posts, and started mining the past.
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/08/my-first-day-of-sunday-school-60s.html
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/09/another-60s-memory.html
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/10/another-60s-memory.html
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/12/more-tales-from-60s-my-first-xmas.html
OPE: So, “mining the past”, as you put it, has been a rich source of material for you?
Taarzaan: I’ll say! I also had fun with reminiscing about all the various careers I’ve sampled….
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/10/mostly-complete-i-thinkcurriculum.html
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/10/random-update-more-on-my-cvschools.html
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2005/10/its-all-hallows-and-that-damn-cv-comes.html
OPE: Can’t keep a job--- Is that the best you have?
Taarzaan: Pretty much….. oh, yeah! There’s the story of the first piñata,
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2006/01/oh-horror-oh-candy.html
and the “going to the Movies with Amber” post.
http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2006/01/going-to-movies-with-amber.html
OPE: Not a huge body of work there, Sparky.
Taarzaan: Yeah, well—I’m just really starting to get the hang of it. I learn slowly, sometimes.
OPE: I can’t say I’m surprised.
Taarzaan: Get bent. New topic! I’ve been doing research on Todd!
OPE: Pardon?
Taarzaan: I’ve been reading through the OPE archives for all references to Todd. I’m compiling a complete dossier. Stay tuned!
OPE: Have I remarked on what a sad, twisted person you are?
Taarzaan: At least twice.
OPE: Well, I think we’ve got a better view of the man in the temp position.
Taarzaan: Nicely put.

April 9.5

As promised, a message from blogmaster Kurt:
(random image chosen to depict an overseas country. Objects may appear smaller)
Arrived safely at my overseas destination. Changed my dollars for the national currency. Saw the sites of the capital city and photographed them. Had traditional meal with a popular beverage. Visited museums with great works by artists of the region. Tomorrow, continuing on to a more remote country that is mildly different from this one.Best,Kurt

April 9, 2006

Sunday Extra Edition

Taarzaan: The OPE Interview


We here at OPE have been flooded with an utter lack of curiosity about ad hoc/interim/pseudo blogmaster Taarzaan, of I’d Rather Be Here Now, and his vision for OPE. Mostly we get concerned, even anxious inquiries as to Todd’s wellbeing, current location, and state of attire. We take all of this in the spirit it is no doubt meant—bitter, suspicious bordering on paranoid, resentful—business as usual.
Taarzaan graciously consented to be queried by OPE. Deal with it.


Taarzaan joined us in the OPE staff lounge, casually dressed in cargo shorts, sandals, and what’s best referred to as a faded biker t-shirt. His hair—long salt and pepper—was pulled back in a disorganized pony tail, looking as though he’d just woken up, and had eschewed grooming. This impression was furthered by his morning breath, and desperate consumption of coffee.

OPE: Thank you for joining us today. I’d like to start by having you reveal something to our readers that you’ve never revealed to your own readers.
Taarzaan: I already don’t like you.
OPE: Fair enough. Pony up with the revelation anyway, Skippy.
Taarzaan: hmmm……..ok, when I was a teen, I had a long spate of somnambulism, and would frequently go on slumber runs on my brother’s motorcycle.
OPE: Get out!
Taarzaan:(rises to leave)
OPE: No, no—sit down, it’s just an expression, like “wow” or “you’re kidding”
Taarzaan :Damn—I thought we were through.
OPE: So, you would ride your brother’s bike in your sleep?
Taarzaan: Yeah—I woke up once after what had to be a spectacular wipe out. And one time I woke up in bed, with fresh bandages—I wiped out in my sleep, and either bandaged myself, or got medical assistance. All without waking up.
OPE: Ok, now you’re seriously creeping me out.
Taarzaan: Teach you to be nosey, eh?
OPE: So, do you still ride?
Taarzaan: Nah—I sold my bike for massage school funds.
OPE: Who hasn’t? Ok—tell us about your blog, ‘I’d Rather Be Here Now”.
Taarzaan: I like to blog. Who knew it would become such a fun hobby. I was a huge fan of underground comix and the National Lampoon in the 70’s, and spent lots of time writing and drawing crude “zines”—way before it was popular. So blogging is a logical extension of my lifelong love of satirical humor. The technological advances of the past decade have given the dilettante smart ass the power of an art director, taking smart-assery to levels unanticipated or spoofed.
OPE: I understand you’ve been somewhat of a bell whether of unfortunate cultural trends.
Taarzaan: You could say that. I was working on what would have been the world’s first modern music video in 1978, as a school project. And I was a proto-Goth in 1980. Robert Smith totally stole my look.
OPE: God, you’re a sad bastard.
Taarzaan: Bite me.
OPE: Moving on……. How are you getting on with Todd?
Taarzaan: (over shoulder) Todd! Need coffee!
OPE: You seem to be getting the hang of that…..
(Todd enters, refills Taarzaan’s massive coffee mug)
Taarzaan: Thanks, lad. 'preciate it.
OPE: Enough of that, now, or we’ll be months dismantling the extra self esteem.
Taarzaan: Cry me a river. Todd’s great. It has taken me a bit of adjusting to the toadying. I tend to be a rather self sufficient lone wolf type….
OPE: (gagging)
Taarzaan: gimme a kiss…….anyway, as I was saying, it wasn’t easy for me, having my ass kissed, early, often, and eagerly, but I am sort of getting the hang of it. I’d been consulting Kurt on the subject of “personal assistants”, and he thought this would be good first hand experience.
OPE: Is there a reason you’ve taken an interest in lackeys?
Taarzaan: Well, I’ve long been flying in the face of family tradition—something the courts look favorably on when handing down sentences—but as I get older, I find myself becoming more like my ancestors.
OPE: Meaning?
Taarzaan: That one day I will don the white lab coat, and utter the family motto: “Fools! I’ll destroy all of you!”
OPE: So you’ll no doubt be needing an Igor to call your own?
Taarzaan: Precisely.

(continued tomorrow, unless you clean your room, eat your vegetables, and finish your homework. We mean it)

April 7, 2006

April 7. 2006
Tea, No Sympathy, and a Current Scone, please
I think it’s time we had “the talk”. The one every substitute teacher and “mom’s new boyfriend” has had with their new charges, at one time or another.
The firm but reassuring one, where expectations and boundaries are set, and promises are made not to try to replace “old/real/in prison” Dad.
You may feel like you are “cheating” on Kurt, when you come here and find me sitting in the big chair, you may even be flooded with confusing and excited feelings, being with an older, bigger, dead butch blog master—feeling that might have originally stirred with Kurt, but had to be quashed for propriety’s sake, all rushing back, and without the restrictive taboo—feelings that might leave a reader feeling shy, and afraid to comment, afraid that it the blog master will laugh at your nervous, amateur fumbling.
Well, have no fear. When I blog about it later—and I will—I promise I’ll be kind.
Sometimes, I creep myself out.

April 6, 2006

(you are not allowed to see this picture. Stop looking at it.)
Spring Cleaning
While my contract/agreement/pact with dark powers was clear and specific about no photography of OPE offices/grounds/employees/groupies, there was no implied restriction on snooping and telling. Nor was there ever any restriction on taking up the carpeting to look under the padding for hidden BEA award(s). Lifting ceiling tiles to search was in no way inhibited in any agreements, nor was thawing entire content of freezer. Similarly, crawling under the building for a peek was not prohibited, nor was dismantling compost heap. Todd and I have given all horizontal surfaces a good cleaning, and have even swept the chimney and used sonar to try and detect hidden spaces. Todd has learned simple lock picking with a pair of cuticle scissors--I must be sure to secure DNA sample before extraction date for cloning of future operative, or possibly future toadies. I just hope the future Todds are as fond of piggy back rides.http://longhairguyintexas.blogspot.com/2006/04/intel-on-todd.html

Addendum
No e-mail yet from Kurt. There has been a case of avian flu detected in a wild swan in an overseas country. Is this in any way related to Kurt's choice of reading for the trip--The Complete Idiot's Guide to Coughing on Birds ?

April 5, 2006

Other People to Continue Existing

Good morning!

After a quasi-eventful trip from Texas to UNS#3 (what I can remember of it anyway), I pulled into the OPE HQ parking lot in the official IRBHN RV. Before I had time to kill the engine and turn off the 8-track, there was a frantic “tap-tap-tapping” on my RV door. No raven, this time, but rather a wee man wearing sweats, offering me fresh hot coffee and a home baked muffin—none other than Todd, in the very flesh.
Along with my refreshments, I was given an envelope containing my contract and instructions: a minimum of 5 posts per week—preferably one per day—no photography of OPE offices/Todd, no nudity or blasphemy in blog. This may be harder than I anticipated, but seeing as Kurt holds my BEA award hostage, I have relatively few options—at least until I’ve thoroughly searched the compound.
So, it will be “spring cleaning” week here at OPE, as I frantically search for my award (Kurt could have been kidding about it being in the hands of Prussian diplomats) and peruse the archives for all available intelligence on “Todd”.
May I live to tell the tale.

April 4, 2006

I arrived safely at my first destination, and I will be holing up here for a day before heading overseas.

Certain commenters have implied that I perhaps post too much about my overseas adventures and that those who are not able to take such trips resent hearing about them. Surprisingly, the comment came from one of my "friends," who knows for a fact that I spent the last fourteen years of my life working myself ill in a thankless job surrounded by snot-nosed children and neglecting my important work as an artist and thinker. I stopped doing the things I enjoy, such as camping in the desert, keeping up with my friends in the crafting community, and toilet-papering the homes of hated enemies.

The truth is, with my sky-high blood cholesterol, elevated blood pressure and chronic hyperbilirubinemia, I realized that I have to get my travel on now, because I won't be able to do it when I'm dead. There's an FAA regulation against it.

My aircraft "takes off" tomorrow, and I have left Taarzaan, of the blog I'd Rather Be Here Now, in charge of managing OPE in my absence. I will be emailing updates from my foreign destination which he has kindly agreed to post along with his own material. So if you read something you really enjoy, it was probably from one of my emails. Everything else is his work.


Cowbell strap-making is a dying art

April 3, 2006

Today I am leaving the city where I live to fly to another city via jet airplane. Then, on Wednesday, I will be flying from that city to my overseas destination.

I highly recommend overseas travel to anyone looking for a fresh perspective. It helps one forget one's purposelessness and staves off the profound feeling of emptiness inside. At times when I feel I just can't go on and that the infinite void is preferable to another day on this hell planet, an overseas trip can be just the thing to turn that frown upside down!

I will be posting tomorrow from a remote computer, then we will have a guest blogger at OPE starting Wednesday. Todd is excited and nervous, and he has washed all his underwear in anticipation. More tomorrow!

April 2, 2006

Bird flu victims to be buried in plague pits

LONDON (UK) - More than a third of a million British victims of bird flu are to be buried in plague pits when the outbreak of the deadly disease takes hold, a leaked government report revealed.

The pits will be dug this weekend, unless there is rain, in which case the digging will be rescheduled for Monday, Tuesday at the latest.

Mass burial sites similar to the plague pits used when the Black Death swept through Britain in the 17th Century will be ready for use when the H5N1 strain of the virus mutates and infects all humans. Experts say it will take quite a bit of digging.

"Common burial involves a large number of coffins buried at the same time, in such a way that allows for individual graves to be marked, so don't worry about that," said pit manager Terence Dowdy.

Grieving relatives will have to wait four months before they can visit the pits to leave flowers or whatever.

Dowdy said "Medical countermeasures against pandemic influenza are not working, so please vote yes on The Shovel Bond, which will build 1000 more pits in the next two weeks."

The British government upgraded its flu alert status last week when Starbucks inadvertently introduced the mutated bird flu virus that spreads from human to human in their newest creation Avian Macchiato.

Experts say the Macchiato could kill as many as 50 million people across the globe.


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