January 31, 2006

Today, I am leaving the city I have been visiting and returning to the city where I live. Luckily, the nearby airport offers departing flights at a variety of convenient times, so I was able to choose the one that worked best for me.

In the past year, I have been traveling by jet aircraft exclusively, and I have come to prefer it over driving or hitching. Studies show that for distances over 500 miles, flying is often the faster alternative. Most large American cities have an airport of their own now, and any airline company can obtain permission to land craft there. Travel fares have dropped in recent years, making air flight one of the more affordable choices for travelers.

Before departing, I had the opportunity to photograph this great American city panoramically. The majesty of her skyline is instantly apparent when one views this cityscape. Enjoy!

January 30, 2006

An 18th century recipe for casting spells against "private enemies" has been uncovered. The contents of the spell, known as "Witches Bottle," dating from around 1700, were found amongst a collection of family papers housed at Cornwall Record Office.

The charm reads: "...take about a pint of your own urine and make it almost scalding hot, then emptie it into a stone Jugg with a Narrow Mouth. Then put into it so much white salt as you can take up with the Thumb and two forefingers of your left hand. Add three new nails with their points downwards, their points being first made very sharp with a file or other tool, as the quality of new nails is not what it used to be. Then stop the mouth of the Jugg very close with a piece of Tough Clay (or whatever) and bind a piece of Leather firm over the stop. If ye have not leather, use cotton. If not cotton, then wool, and so on depending on what fabrics are available to ye. Then put the Jugg into warm embers and keep it there 9 or 10 days and nights following, so that it go not stark cold nor be devoured by vermin.

All that meantime, day nor night, your private Enemies will Never after have any power upon you either in your Body or Goods, unless you should misplace the jugg or the urine should curdle. It is therefore important to be constant in checking and rechecking the urine, and ensuring that the jugg be topped up as necessary.

So be it."


A goodly jugg full to the brim with urine

January 29, 2006

Regular patrons of Just Pickles had reason to worry this past November when owner Tina Reffett said she was selling the shop and moving to Taos to pursue her other dream of making and selling sock puppets on the Internet. Where would they buy quality dills, wyrobs and gherkins?


Fortunately, the new owner decided to stay with the pickle theme. He lowered the sidewalk barrel count to six and changed the name to World of Pickle, but the mission statement has remained the same: running the best damn shop in Pickledom. Pickle buyers everywhere are breathing a sour sigh of relief.

January 27, 2006

Jug of pee, January 27, 2006. American city street.

Peeing in jugs is a time-honored tradition of long-haul truckers, cabbies and the revenge-minded. I will be focusing on the latter.

Pee is naturally stinky and, when in a jug, makes the perfect tossable for revenge applications. A home office or large walk-in closet can easily hold a year's worth of pee, even with the recommended one inch of clearance between jugs. Serious storers may need an extra bedroom as a dedicated pee repository. A standard padlock prevents embarrassing discoveries by friends, family or investigators who do not have the necessary search warrants.

Pee should be stored between 55 and 62 degrees Fahrenheit, preferably in jugs, away from direct sunlight. Leakage should not be a problem with modern jug construction, although it is recommended that you look for a jug with a recycling number 2 (HDPE) or lower.

Tossing jugs of pee is a skill and should be practiced. Your first throw should never be at a revengee. So much could go wrong! Practice with a mannequin, scarecrow or other human substitute, preferably in a remote field with no witnesses. Novice tossers should be able to master the fundamentals in about six weeks.

Thrown jugs should be approximately half-full for maximum burst and spray upon employment. Keep all your stock filled to the same level to ensure predictable performance. Remember, you are not aiming at the revengee, but at the ground near him/her. The pee should spray impressively all over the revengee such that he/she screams out "My God! What was that, pee?!"

Wear black. Run away.

January 26, 2006

Bird Flu to End Life As We Know It Sooner Than Expected

JAKARTA, Jan. 26 -- Local test results have shown that an Indonesian man died of the avian influenza after being treated at a hospital here, indicating that the end is, in fact, quite near.

Mohamad Jasinto, 22, a resident in South Jakarta, was walking down the street looking in shop windows when he suddenly developed symptoms of the bird flu and died, proving that it could happen to anyone at any time.

Sulianti Saroso Hospital, where Jasinto died, is now infested with the virus. Hospital officials have sent Jasinto's blood sample to a Hong Kong laboratory, where it will spread the virus to researchers and their families.

The Indonesian man is believed to be the 15th person to die of bird flu in the country. Anyone could be next.

Two international meetings were held in Tokyo and Beijing on the issue of the flu this month. Over 600 flu researchers gathered to exchange data, unwittingly spreading more bird flu.

Turkey is the latest country to report human infections, confirming its first two cases earlier this month. Experts have avoided making the obvious Turkey/turkey jokes.

It would surprise no one if the virus mutates into a form that can spread from human to human. Such an event would trigger a global pandemic, leading to death for all. To prevent such a scenario, governments are looking more seriously at previously dismissed ideas like moon colonization, glass-enclosed underwater cities, and additional Tamiflu in the water supply.

The fight to contain a flu pandemic is a race against time, which continues its onward march every second. In the words of Mr. Shigeru Omi, WHO secretary general for the Asian region: "In the fight against the bird flu, it is either everybody wins or everybody loses and the chickens win."


Traditional Japanese bird kissing will hasten the end

January 25, 2006

In the American city I am visiting, people can travel from place to place via subterranean electric trains. Unfortunately, there are not enough trains to hold all the people who wish to travel on them, which explains the shoving. Also, train fare is expensive (about the cost of two hot dogs).

Hot dogs prices are on the rise, though. Dogs retails for about $1.00US per unit throughout the metropolitan area, but some vendors have recently upped their price 50%, to $1.50 per dog. This is the largest recorded price increase of anything ever.

Nutritionists tell us that the hot-dog-in-a-bun, with its balance of protein and carbohydrates, is a "perfect food." And adding mustard satisfies your daily requirement for condiments. Sodium nitrite, a preservative in hot dogs, is carcinogenic and has been linked to death, so the National Hot Dog And Sausage Council recommends keeping your consumption of dogs under 100 lbs per annum (about three units per day).

This city is also famous for its museums. People travel from all over the world to see the world class exhibits and ignore the rules of common courtesy. Although it is against the rules to use your cell phone in the museums, people suck, so they use them anyway.

Cell phones are useless on the trains, however, because they are underground, and the deadly radio waves cannot penetrate that far beneath the earth's surface. Yet.

January 24, 2006

Today, when Blogger was down from aprox. 6:00AM - 8:00AM PST, I had nothing to occupy me, so I ventured into a large park that is centrally located in the famous American city I am visiting.

The air was crisp, the sun was shining, and a surprisingly large number of people were talking to themselves. I located a bench in the sun and, using my kerchief, wiped it dry of whatever that was.

As you can see by the photograph I probably took, it was a gorgeous day. The people who live here feel proprietary about their city, and you can feel it every time they shove you. I am lucky to allegedly be here.

January 23, 2006

Today, OPE has been around for 1 (one) year. I still remember the day we set up business in the old box factory using a donated laptop and the free dialup that my previous employer neglected to terminate (Thank God for district incompetence).

The impetus for OPE came from my burning desire to leave a comment at the aura in laura. To prevent receiving honest feedback, laura's blog did not allow for anonymous comments. I had to sign in, which entailed (I thought) creating a blog. In this way, OPE was born.

Since I didn't have a job, OPE became a way for me to fill the empty hours and give my life "purpose." Perhaps the time could have been used better. I could have gone back to school in an area that interested me or worked on a longer project that might have had value in the marketplace or seen somebody about my constant tantruming, but instead I poured my energy into the blog (and into my important work at the Traffic Cone Preservation Society).

Our initial investment was $0.00US. While other blogs spent their wad on fancy templates and blinkie acquisition, we kept our expenses low. As interest rates rose, many could not repay their debts. But we are still here, doing what we do best: stalling for time until something better falls into our laps.

I would like to take this time to thank you, the reader. Without you, I would long ago have stopped blogging and started to ask the hard questions that lead to self-improvement and progress.

January 22, 2006

Yesterday, completely by chance, I happened upon Buttercup's PAW-tisserie. This store was operating unmolested among the overpriced restaurants and shops of foofooery in a popular neighborhood nearby. I made the following investigation.


Note the reverse anthropomorphization of the doormat message. I don't have "paws," and my pet cannot read, so who is this mat intended for?


The window display is an homage to Lady and the Tramp, which was a cartoon. In real life, animals do not sit in chairs to eat, and it is highly unlikely that two dogs, sharing a plate of spaghetti, would take up opposite ends of the same strand.


Note the items for sale by "Sniffany and Co." as well as "Kate Spayed" and "Chewnel No.5" (not pictured). The allure of The Cute is powerful, and must be fought without mercy.


It was not surprising to find that BP had a rack of animal costumes. Among the sweaters and dresses were some risqué numbers that I would have preferred to have never seen. Owners who dress their pets suchly are disrespecting their pets in the most profound way (as well as encouraging zoolagnia). Fortunately, I made some calls, and you can be assured that Buttercup's PAW-tisserie will be dealt with by the appropriate agency.

January 21, 2006

Here I am in the famous American city I am visiting. I already had my first interesting experience. I was having a beer in a barroom and thought I saw a blogger from my sidebar at the table next to me. But the blogger lives many hundreds of miles from this city, so it was just a regular person who may or may not have a blog.

Her friends were giving her presents and she was opening them. If she had a blog, she could post pics of all the presents and talk about how she had fun. Then her friends could go look at the pics of the presents that they had just given her and leave comments like Hope you like it!

I have to go and take some pics for my next post. What a great city!

January 20, 2006

On a tip, BETA operatives yesterday raided the headquarters of Live Nude Cats. LNC's site features cat pics with captions such as Sweet and Innocent, Private Dancer and Double Action. The tipster assumed that LNC staffers were coercing kitties into lewd acts for private gain as so many have done before.

To everyone's surprise, the cats at LNC were remarkably well cared-for. They were living free-range in a large, comfortable outbuilding with unlimited access to kibble and water and surrounded by many fluffy pillows. Mouse toys were strewn about everywhere and showed signs of recent teasing. BETA operatives eventually uncuffed the webmaster and brushed her jacket clean. And after seeing the entire compound and examining several cats, they gave LNC their coveted "No Pets Were Harmed in the Building of this Website" certification, and a promise of advanced notification of all future raids.

Though the site contains a few questionable shots, such as kitties peeking out of boxes and kitties in paper bags, LNC staffers assured us that the cats in question discovered and entered the boxes/bags entirely of their own accord. LNC never poses cats, rather, their photographers wait patiently in the cat activity center to capture candid moments among these noble creatures.

Best of all, the cats are protected at all times. If during any photo a cat innocently allows her naughty bits to be photographed, the artists at LNC use their digital equipment to protect her dignity. One can never know who is viewing the photos or to what nefarious uses they might be put.

January 19, 2006

Today we received our quarterly report from the FBI, which includes a list of search terms that brought web surfers to Other People Exist in the past three months. I present them as they arrived, with notes:

women riding innocent pony
Who doesn't want to see/read about women riding ponies? But I wonder what makes a pony innocent, and how I can check.

barbaraeden.com
I get this a lot, almost as much as John Denver bootlegs. Mention Barbara Eden once, and you get Edenistas coming to your blog forever.

gelding a slave
I can't recall when OPE posted on this topic. I only hope this search was for historical research. Remember: we are not responsible for how individual readers use the information in this blog.

life sized blow up doll of matt lauer
I think Todd may have done that search

fishporn
I've been told that fishporn consists of pics of fisherpeople making particularly impressive catches. Other fisherpeople look at the pics and imagine themselves holding the rod.

urine drinking other peoples
You'll note there are no searches for great blog on the list. But urine drinking other peoples, yes.

daschunds ear rubbing
A serious problem with daschunds. I hope their visit to OPE did not significantly delay treatment of the pup.

why do other people exist?
OPE blog never specifically answers this important question, so I'll tell you now: It's because mommies and daddies have sexual intercourse.

what's wrong with shannen doherty
I would not presume to say, although the uneven eyes thing might be a clue.

January 18, 2006

NASA's Pluto flight delayed again
Astronaut disappointed

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida - NASA canceled Wednesday's launch of the U.S. space agency's first spaceship to Pluto after the mission control headquarters in Maryland lost power, officials said. Tom Richards, the astronaut aboard, was disappointed.

"I so wanted to go to Pluto," he said.

The earliest that New Horizons can reach Pluto, if it launches in time to slingshot itself off the gravity field of Jupiter, is July. Richards had hoped to be on Pluto by June for the joint Russian-American planetwide bash.

"I was supposed to deejay. Now they'll just play CDs."

As Pluto is too far from the sun for the spacecraft to tap solar energy, it will draw power from the natural decay of 24 pounds (11 kg) of plutonium pellets. Plutonium is radioactive, and the astronauts are instructed to stay away from the pellets.

"They make your skin hot, and then everything smells green," said Richards.

The launch of the New Horizons spacecraft had been postponed from Tuesday due to pellet issues. The agency hoped the problem would be resolved with some scooping, and the spacecraft would be ready in time for today's launch window.

"Par-tee! Par-tee!" Richards had said in anticipation.

Twenty-four previous space missions have used radioactive plutonium as power sources, and autopsies of the onboard monkeys have showed no side effects. Richards will be the first human to travel under pellet power.

"I aint scared. They're just pellets," he said.

The $700-million project will be NASA's first mission to Pluto, the last unpartied-on planet in the solar system.


Russian astronauts partying en route

January 17, 2006

A Victory for BETA International

Many of you may already know about the two drunken Cambridge University students who sent a hamster through the mail. The hamster lived, not that they were worried about him. What the press failed to mention is that BETA operatives were essential to the bust. BETA moles patrol frat parties and other venues where there are high incidences of stupid ideas, and they are often first responders when drunken losers get their inspiration.

It was BETA's rodent division that alerted the Postmaster to the goings-on. Postman Robert Maher investigated and found little Olivier when he had chewed through the envelope and his head was peeping out. David "Peaches" Jurdan and James Coole, both 19, admitted abandoning a hamster in circumstances likely to cause suffering. Jurdan was fined £750 and Coole, £500. They are now back at their flat, where anyone who wants to can do anything they want to them.

Heroic BETA operatives routinely infiltrate high risk events and are there to catch falling kitties, throw blankets over flaming dogs, pull the plug on cat-filled dryers, and much much more. They are true American heroes. (The fact that certain radical elements of the group have made recent policy changes does not alter the fact that they do great work around the globe).


The "remorseful" pair

January 16, 2006

My trip to the famous American city was great fun. I saw most of the major sights of that city and caught one of the more impressive entertainment productions. My travelmate had other business one day, and I was cut loose, so I explored some of the area's less well-known amenities. I had a chance to go off the beaten track and see the real Famous American City. I had some extraordinary adventures - too much to tell in one post! If you ever visit this city, put in the extra effort to get away from the crowds and enjoy some of its subtler pleasures.

Well, I'm leaving today for an even famouser American city that I have visited before. I know you will all look forward to reading more about my adventures in these pages.


It was an exciting trip!

January 13, 2006

Today, I am leaving for a famous American city different than the one I live in. By the time you read this, I will be flying there via jet plane, although it will depend on when exactly you read this. I told Todd he was in charge while I was away, but I turned off the gas and electricity just to be safe.

The city I am visiting is well known as a vacation and recreation spot for many American families. Consequently, I expect I will not have the facilities all to myself. I have made reservations at one establishment to ensure that I receive services, and I will no doubt run into crowds at the more popular sights. Later, I will be traveling from that city to another city farther away than the first city but equally famous. Then, at some point, barring a mishap, I will return home.

Many of you are aware that it is possible to post to your blog remotely, that is, one can access one's private Internet accounts on a computer belonging to another person in a different location and compute in much the same way one does on one's home unit. I intend to do this where possible in both locations so that the continuity of OPE will be maintained while I am away. There is a chance I will be enjoying myself, though, and, unlike at home, the blog will not be my entire life, so expect post quality to drop somewhat.

January 13, 2006

12-year old Anna, a former student of mine, mailed me a scarf that she knat herself. I wrote her a little thank you note:

Anna-
I love my new scarf! When I wear it, people say Where did you get that? and I say What? and they say The scarf and I say This scarf?, so thanks for the scarf. I am going to take it to (undisclosed American city) where it is very cold this time of year and a scarf is useful to have. It will be the scarf I wear when I need a scarf. And when I don't need a scarf, it will be the scarf I am not wearing.

Also, if it's cold and you need a scarf, remember: I have a scarf I can loan you. It's the scarf you gave me! Did you forget you gave me a scarf already? Then again, if it's cold, I will need to wear my scarf, so maybe you should get your own scarf and stop borrowing mine.

Kurt

January 12, 2006

Lindsay Lohan rumored to be dating Leonardo DiCaprio

Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be dating Hollywood heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio just as it says in the headline.

The pair celebrated the New Year with a midnight kiss after meeting in the bathroom of a local Arby's.

During Lohan's latest return to the hospital on January 3, her friends snuck the 'Titanic' star in to see her.

A source said "Leo visited every night. He would sneak in through a back entrance wearing a cap which covered his face so that one could not tell that it was Leonardo DiCaprio under that cap and therefore he would not be recognized."

DiCaprio "showered her with gifts and chocolates to keep her spirits up."

"I seen the chocolates he brung her," said candy striper Tina Reffett. "They's was fancy!"

Leonardo split with long-term partner Gisele Bundchen, 25, in November, after she saw his performance in The Aviator.

DiCaprio, 42, is apparently so crazy about Lohan that he plans to fly to New York to meet her "momager" Dina. Lohan is invited as well.

An insider said: "Leo and Lindsay want to get a yacht and cruise around the Caribbean and just relax like regular people - if regular people had yachts."

January 11, 2006

Five weird things about Todd
1. I have a lot of nervous tics and they get worse when I have caffeine. Unfortunately, I have to test every cup of coffee I serve to make sure it has the right "mouth feel." But if I keep my nails clipped short and wear my night guard at all times, I can keep twitch-related injuries to a minimum.

2. I actually enjoy serving, because it brings happiness to those above me, and when they are happy, they treat me like a person. Some people think it is demeaning to serve others, but it's only demeaning if you allow it to be (or when they tell you what a piece of shit you are).

3. When Kurt barks out commands, I only pretend to leap to attention. It is my greatest shame.

4. I could do other jobs for more money (or go full time at the porn store), but I stay at OPE because I'm getting community college credit. Kurt explained how the grading works and why the semester was extended indefinitely.

5. I sometimes like to imagine that the roles are reversed at OPE, and that I'm in charge. Certain people have to do what I say, and then they're the ones taking a break to cry softly in the closet.

January 10, 2006

I've been tagged by Christi. Tagging is when other people decide the content of your blog by coercion. Christi and I started blogging around the same time, before many of you were born, and so I feel duty-bound to respond to her tag, even though she knows I hate her for it.

from Christi:
"The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

Five weird habits of Kurt
1. When I see puppies, I just have to stop and rub my nose to theirs and make baby sounds. I make small talk with the owners like How old is she? and Chardonnay is definitely her color! so that I can prolong my face time with the pups. I usually have to be asked to move along.

2. Like Christi, "I have imaginary conversations with people all day," except that mine are with imaginary people, and they can get pretty heated. Sometimes imaginary people can be so stupid.

3. I have a crush on Lindsay Wagner, Nimble-Pedic™ Mattress spokeswoman and star of TV's "The Bionic Woman" (1976). It is not unlike the crushes that many people have on actors, players of sport and members of popular rock combos, except that I mail her a postcard from every place I visit, and I sometimes pretend that I have access to her dirty clothes hamper and that I am wearing her favorite blouse.

4. I have this assistant, and I love assigning him menial tasks just because I know he will do them and do them with a smile. Once, I was dripping sweat, and I told him to follow me around and wipe up the drops. He ran and got his knee pads.

5. I collect unicorn miniatures for my manteltop menagerie. I also collect books about unicorns, unicorn-themed greeting cards, horn-making tools, videos of alleged unicorn sightings and much much more. I have crafted over one hundred unicorn horns, and I once gave a horn-making workshop at the request of local unicornists. No one was laughing.



Now I must tag five bloggers. I tag Bing-Tak, Alan Smithee, Camera1, Pork and Shellfish, and LisaH.

January 8, 2006

From the OPE archives:



Perhaps now would be the appropriate time to give a history of the news media. The news was invented by William Randolph Hearst in 1880 as a way to increase potato chip sales for his childhood friend Frito Lay. The first issue of the Examiner had a front-page article about the advantages of child labor followed by 15 pages of chip ads. The format was not a success.

So Hearst increased the percentage of news to 10% and hired "reporters" to turn his opinions into news stories. When Walt Disney joined forces with Hearst, mainstream news became decidedly pro-Disney. Hearst grew wealthy and Disneyland attendance soared. A typical news story of the time trumpeted the joys of the latest Tomorrowland ride while warning of how everything could be spoiled by the Jews.

When Kissinger joined the triad, all that changed. The word count for the Country Bear Jamboree declined, and there were more stories parroting the views of the administration. This brings us up to the present.

When Disney "died," so did his stranglehold on product placement. Today, approximately 60% of news coverage is about exciting new products (most suspiciously, Brawny paper towels) and only 35% is articles parroting the views of the administration (the remaining 5% are coded Al Q*eda messages).

January 6, 2006

On the front lines with BETA:


Someone thought it would be hilarious to dress pugs as professional boxers, build a miniature ring in his basement and hold matches for his friends to attend. There was little the SPCA could do, as the pugs wore gloves and protective headgear, so BETA operatives were called in. There are an undisclosed number of very happy pugs tonight at a BETA safe house, including one very exhausted heavyweight champ.


Tiffanie thought it was cute when her cat Sniffles was playing in a cooking pot, so she spent the next week photographing her in every piece of their kitchenware and designing a website tentatively called Kulinary Kitties until her brother reported her to a BETA mole at their school. Tiff will be reeducated at the BETA facility and, if possible, returned to her family in 6 to 8 weeks.


Here, BETA operatives are guarding a particularly sadistic pet costumer at their base camp in an undisclosed location in the Americas. They would not say what exactly his crimes were, except that they involved multiple pets and musical theater. I feel safer knowing that these monsters are off the streets and being detained indefinitely by the heroes at BETA.

January 5, 2006

I was invited to participate in a focus group today. It was held in an office downtown in the major American city where I live. The deal was: I look at crap all day and tell them what I think about it, and in return I get breakfast, lunch and a check for $200US. The downside: they call on me only about once a year, which puts my projected 2006 income at about $200US (minus $3US public transportation fare).

First, let me say the "breakfast" was a muffin selection. There really isn't anything in the muffin family that constitutes a hearty breakfast, except perhaps the ham muffin. I had, however, been forewarned about the muffins-only setup and had planned ahead. Many of you are probably too young to remember when muffins came into vogue. According to Food Service Focus, June 2003, muffins became popular in the 1980s, and "many companies, such as Baker & Baker (through its Karp’s brand), offer a variety of scoop-and-bake muffins for easy preparation."

Lunch was sandwiches, a rather impressive variety, and I chose both a tuna and a roast beef. We are all familiar with sandwiches, and there is little I can add to the subject. There was, however, a wide variety of breads, everything from the ubiquitous focaccia to a kind of nutty wheat number that really knocked my socks off. If you get invited to a focus group, be sure to ask what bread varieties they have, because I'm told not all focus groups bother to offer a quality bread selection.

The actual focusing part of the day focused on helping a major American tobacco company plan their legal defense against claims that they have been secretly putting additives in cigarettes to make them more addictive. They showed us defense exhibits and we helped them fine tune them for maximum effect on juries. Someone has to help them craft their web of lies, and it might as well be me.

January 4, 2006

Famous Hollywood movie actor Tommy Lee Jones was interviewed in the latest issue of The New Yorker and, speaking of his spread near the Florida Everglades, said:

We have a lot of animals, but there's no anthropomorphizing. We don't put little ballet dresses on the dogs or kiss them on the mouth. I respect animals. I don't insult them.

While we at OPE are not strictly against kissing dogs on the mouth, we are thrilled that Mr. Jones is a vocal anti-costumer and we hope his outspokenness will inspire others to take up the mantle, like maybe Beau Bridges' brother.

January 4, 2006

Lohan Hospitalized With "Asthma"

MIAMI - Actress Lindsay Lohan was being treated at a hospital for an asthma attack, her publicist said Tuesday.

"It's that asthma you get when you haven't eaten in over a year," hospital spokeswoman Tina Reffett said.

The star was last seen eating in October of 2004. She had a turkey sandwich on rye, no mayo, and a Diet Snapple.

Lohan publicist Rebecca Sloane said that the high humidity in Florida may have contributed to the asthma attack, which "definitely happened."

"Lindsay Lohan had an asthma attack and went to the hospital to see a doctor," Ms Slone repeated.

Lohan had hosted a New Year's Eve party at the see-and-be-seen South Beach nightclub Prive on Saturday night, but she stayed indoors on Sunday and Monday, "probably because of that asthma," Ms Sloane added.

Hospital spokewoman Reffett said Lohan was sitting upright now and enjoying a Tab. "She looks great!" Reffet added. "Not all chubby like when she was little."

Lohan began her career playing life-switching twins in the 1998 Disney remake of The Parent Trap. It is unclear when things went horribly wrong.

January 3, 2006

Our profile last week of a guinea pig costume designer resulted in a successful raid of her studio and a removal of the pigs to an unspecified safe house somewhere in the Americas. But just when we thought it was safe to come out of the cage, our reader EGIT alerted us to the fact that there is a second guinea pig costume designer working out of Minnesota with the unlikely name of Carly Austin-Kukowski.

According to CNN, a subsidiary of MAD magazine, Austin-Kukowski "designs and sells guinea pig gear ranging from leopard-print dresses to elf costumes with reindeer hats." CNN says:

It started as a joke two years ago, when Austin-Kukowski, 25, made a sweater for her guinea pig to wear outside. She later tried other designs.

Note how Austin-Kukowski started out just like everyone else, as a common citizen who found pets in sweaters "cute" and probably enjoyed forwarding pics of cats playing in laundry baskets to everyone in her address book. Sweaters are often gateway outfits that start owners on their way to becoming problem costumers. One day their pet looks a little chilly and they think One of those little sweaters would really warm Muffin up and, within weeks, they've knit a full set of costumes - fireman, police officer, car salesman, radiologist - and Muffin is doing eighteen-hour photo shoots for their web site and hasn't seen his wheel in weeks.

Austin-Kukowski has sold about 100 costumes to costuming junkies around the world and even fills custom orders. Anything hardcore costumers can imagine in their minds, Austin-Kukowski will make. For a price.

January 2, 2006

My New Year's Resolution by Kurt
I resolve to be more patient with Todd and to snap at him less. Snapping at Todd only causes him to pout, and then I have to take time out of my busy schedule and be nice to him for a few minutes in order to get the hot coffee flowing again. I resolve to call him by his Christian name and give him the respect he thinks he deserves, as calling him Coffee boy tends to be a hot button for the pouting.

I resolve to treat OPE staff as if they matter, to not take them for granted like I did all last year, and to bring in some baked goods one morning this year so they think I care. Studies show that employee efficiency goes up when managers do lame shit like that.

Finally, I resolve to write the best damn posts I can every day, and on days when I'm just not feeling it, to return to time-tested formula posts that staff can finish while I nap.

My New Year's Resolution by Todd
I resolve to always have a hot pot of coffee at hand and to keep the Cremora full and the sugar cubes stacked in a little pyramid. I resolve to keep my sweats cleaned and pressed at all times and to avoid squatting, as it makes the knees saggy. I resolve to perform to my utmost capabilities at all times, so that Kurt finally notices and comments on my work performance in a way that doesn't make me feel small or remind me of my father.

Finally, I resolve to be a better friend, because I am responsible for Kurt's moods from moment to moment and his total happiness at all times. This year, I hope to do everything right all the time, so that I'll finally hear those words I've been longing to hear: Todd, you're Employee of the Month!

January 1, 2006

January 1st means giant piles of last year's computers at the local dump

Well, the new year is here, and we all know what that means. It's time to discard your old computer and purchase a new model with a clock that can go to 01/01/2006. Todd got the wheelbarrow, and we both filled it with computer equipment, then we buried it all in a hole behind the building. In the past, we donated our worthless equipment to the local elementary school so the kids could play on it in lieu of going to recess, but now we are more wary. We've learned that even if you wipe your hard drive clean, the kids will still find a way to recover all the data.

When Microsoft lobbyists pressured the Federal government to institute Daylight Savings in 1974, it was part of a plan to control time throughout the world and make Halloween safer. They understood that whoever controlled the clocks controlled the expiration date of all meat and the replacement schedule for computer equipment. Experts say there is no reason why a well-maintained computer could not function past the one-year mark if the internal clock would allow it. So we are all buying new equipment that we don't really need. While this is good for Microsoft and for the children, we question whether the wasteful practice of annual computer replacement is really necessary.

Todd and I have been shopping for new componentry all week, and today we brought home a fresh 2006 model of a popular computer system that has a clock that goes all the way to the end of the year. Todd reattached all the cables, buffed the screen to a fine luster and, while I wrote the first post of the new year, he began recalibrating the coffee maker in anticipation of producing another approximately one thousand pots of coffee It's going to be a great 365 days.