October 31, 2005

Undoubtedly, you will see many instances of pet costuming tonight as you are Halloweening. Because there is not time to speak to each of the sadists responsible for the costuming, I am providing a handy note for you to print and distribute where appropriate. Together, we can stop pet costuming.



click here to view full-size

October 30, 2005

I've been under the weather lately - stuffy nose, low fever, gassy - and normally Todd would tend to me, but Sundays he has his shift at the porno store, plus they just got in a huge shipment of filthy smut and they needed him to pull a double shift. So I'm here all alone, feeling sorry for myself.

When I'm feeling down, I start thinking negative thoughts like My blog is not as good as I think it is and Maybe I was wrong about the blinkies and That private thing I do is wrong and nasty. One negative thought leads to another and, pretty soon, the Special Voice returns, the one that's responsible for the things I do. My therapists have advised me to call immediately whenever I hear Him, but when has that ever worked?

It got bad today, and just as I was heading into the closet for some Secret Time (to further develop my plans), Todd returned! They had finished unpacking the smut early! He poured us some fresh coffee and we made plans to bake brownies. We're going out for walnuts right now!

It's great when your day turns around like that.


The hands-over-ears trick does not work when the voice comes from inside

October 28, 2005

Ashlee Simpson's 'I Am Me' Tops the Billboard Chart at #1

SANTA MONICA, Calif.- Ashlee Simpson's second CD "I Am Me," released October 18th on Geffen Records, entered the "Billboard 200" chart at #1. Ashlee enthuses, "I am really excited that my album is #1. I especially want to thank the lady who does all the singing."

"Boyfriend," the first track off of "I Am Me," is a hit. The track has been
lighting up radio station request lines from coast-to-coast, proving that the additive the government has been putting in the milk is working.

"That simply isn't true," says Dairy Farmer Tina Reffett. "If they were putting something in the milk to make us dumber, I would have drinkened it by now."

Meanwhile, the video version of "Boyfriend" is the #1 most requested clip on MTV. Proud father/manager Joe Simpson says, "It's so nice for Ashlee to be rewarded for doing exactly what I say at all times. She is a strong and talented person who should continue to generate income for at least three to five more years."

For writing and recording "I Am Me," Ashlee teamed up with producer John Shanks. Shanks is a songwriter who plays keyboards, bass and guitars while Ashlee stands around asking "What does this button do?"

Ashlee was born in 1984 in Waco, Tex., and raised in Dallas by her parents Joe and Tina Simpson. It is unclear exactly when things went horribly wrong.

According to Nielsen SoundScan, "I Am Me" has already sold 220,000 copies in its first week, causing government researchers to consider cutting back slightly on the concentration of the milk additive.

"But not too much," they said.


Not my acid reflux again!

October 27, 2005

It's laundry day at OPE. We have quite a pile. What happens is this: The work that Todd and I perform can get a little heated, so we always keep a fresh change of clothes at the offices. Over the past few months, the pile of soiled garments has grown quite substantial, so today Todd must take a break from the coffee pot and work his magic on the washer.

The washing machine in the OPE complex is brokey, and I don't let Todd drive the car, so he will be carrying the loads to the laundromat down the street, the one where he had the incident last year. Though the misunderstanding was cleared up and the undergarments were returned, Todd still feels anxious about going there. I reminded Todd that, in court, the owner made it clear that Todd was welcome there anytime, provided he had laundry to wash.

Todd was also concerned that we might try to make our own coffee if he was away too long, so he came in early and prepared several hot pots of coffee, then put them in carafes and kept them warm in a low oven. Above and beyond the call of duty, several staffers remarked, but I reminded them No, that is exactly his duty.


In other news, I scoured the Interweb to bring you links to some great blog posts. They can be found here, here and here.

October 26, 2005

One of our readers asked us to consider the evils of infant/toddler costuming and whether it isn't just as sadistic as pet costuming and just as deserving of our ire.

Yes, infant costuming is another example of the powerful abusing the powerless for their pleasure. Yes, the perpetrators also photograph the humiliated and blog about how "cute" or "funny" it is. Yes, they will probably all inhabit the same circle of Hell.

But the difference is the infant can grow up and exact a terrible revenge on those who costumed him, whereas the dog or cat or bunny always remains powerless, so we must fight for him!

The involuntary costuming of innocents is always a crime, though, and should be reported to either CPS or The SPCA. Sadly, though, we can do nothing about adults who voluntarily choose to costume themselves.

Pictured below: The forced costuming of a toddler and the voluntary (we pray) costuming of an adult in infant wear (not a crime - legally).


Pictured below: The forced costuming of an ostensibly beloved pet and the voluntary costuming of a human in an animal pelt.

October 25, 2005

Britney goes to bat for new baby's privacy

If you've been eyeballing those pictures on the Internet of Britney Spears' newborn son - and who hasn't? - you could be going to jail. Those pictures, like most of the information on the Internet, were stolen, and Britney's on the warpath.

The pop singer has threatened to take legal action against anyone who displayed the pictures. At least two Web sites have shown photos of Spears embracing her child, so if you called your coworkers over to your monitor to see the pics, you bought yourself a court date with Britney.

Legal experts say Mrs. Spears-Federline is totally within her rights and that you are probably looking at some serious jail time.

The pop star gave birth last month in a private ceremony. Spears and her husband, What's-his-name, recently made their first public appearance since the birth, leaving baby Sean with some lady the service recommended. But there have been no clear images of the baby until now.

"Thank God the illegal pics are finally here," wrote one fan on a Britney Spears fansite message board. "I love Britney, but I'm in love with her baby!"

Justin Timberlake has told fans to be patient for photographs of baby Sean Preston. "Please wait quietly by your computers," he said, "the photos will be arriving shortly."

It is the first time Justin has publicly supported the star since she screwed him over two years ago. He referred her as "a sweet person" and not "a psycho bitch."

He says that at some point fans are going to get to know about her son and, in no time, there will be so many pictures of the little Spears boy in the magazines that it will make you sick. Then, in fifteen years or so, he will have his own CD of disposable pop music.


See you in court

October 24, 2005

Bad news from the blogiverse. It seems one of our favorite bloggers is having a crisis of faith. We took quite a hit when we lost Jennifuzz to the offliners in January ("I am not a blogger at heart"); we doubt we could survive another defection. Fellow blogger, if you are reading this and you haven't yet wiped your hard drive and recycled your computer, I want you to consider the following points:

1. Blogging is life. The urge to create a narrative from our lives is as old as cotton and cheese. Humans desire to make sense of the universe through representation (pictures) and abstraction (words). Blogging is what separates us from the animals. The unblogged life is not worth living.

2. Bloggers are your friends. In just three or four hours a day online, you can find bloggers that you want to spend time with every day. In the 3D world, entering the public space to seek out others with which to interact in a meaningful way is time-consuming and inefficient. You have to spend up to ten minutes with someone before you know they have nothing to offer. In the blogiverse, often you need only one look at someone's template and you're ready to hit next blog! In the 3D world, there is no next person button!

3. Your blog will be dead to me. A blog is composed of posts and comments. It is a living interaction, where readers become co-authors. If you decide to quit blogging and attempt to make a go of it in the harsh world of the offliners AKA no new posts, my visits there will cease as well. I will not return again and again to look at the quilt squares or reread my many supportive comments. Your blog will be as if dead. I will personally burn the wires that link our servers.

That said, should you decide you still want to abandon us, I have the perfect pic for your final post. Email me.

October 23, 2005

White House Wants Suicide Law Blocked

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration asked the Supreme Court on Tuesday to block the nation's only law allowing doctors to help terminally ill patients die more quickly, saying "The Lord has chosen for some of us to die lingering, painful deaths while our families watch in horror - who are we to doubt Him?"

The appeal from Attorney General John Ashcroft had been expected since May, when a lower court ruled the federal government could not punish Oregon doctors for behaving humanely. The filing came on the day Ashcroft's resignation was announced at the White House, but experts in Legislative procedure say it "still counts."

Oregon voters approved the law, and since 1998, more than 170 people have used it to end their lives. Most had cancer, though several did it out of spite.

Oregon's law, known as the Death With Dignity Act, lets patients with less than six months to live request a lethal dose of drugs after two doctors have confirmed the diagnosis and the HMO has refused to cover any life-saving procedures.

"I am extremely disappointed that Attorney General Ashcroft has chosen to continue ignoring the will of the voters of Oregon," said Sen. John Warton, D-Ore. "I have supported his fascist policies in the past, but now I am attempting to distance myself from him as a way to regain my fading popularity."

At issue for the court now would be the bounds of a federal law declaring what drugs doctors may prescribe. Ashcroft has proposed that doctors in Oregon be limited to prescribing aspirin and Mylanta.

October 21, 2005

Self-styled NYU Professor David Hogg reports in Hogg's Universe that "all color laser printers secretly — and without notifying the users — tag every page with make, model, serial number, date, and time." This, of course, means that They know!

"The U.S. Secret Service acknowledged yesterday that the markings, which are not visible to the human eye, are there," says the story in the Washington Post. Serial killers have always spurned the use of printers and insisted on pasting together their "crazy" taunting notes from newspaper headlines; now they seem remarkably prescient.

Fortunately, Todd and I have never taken privacy for granted. We are avid shredders, running several machines in unison to shred all correspondence, notes and empty product packages. In public, we only use our code names (Possum Nibbles III and Cuddles McTummy) and, for added security, all conversations are held in Pig Latin.

The specific information re: our bugged printers is disconcerting, but we have always assumed that they are watching us and know what we are thinking and feeling, so we have always taken precautions. We use a standard CIA-tracked printer, but we walk all our printed items to a public facility and, fully costumed, we photocopy them. Then we shred the originals in our battery of shredders.

We code all our email using the Pig Latin Translator. The government email scanners don't seem able to crack the Pig Latin code, so Todd's last email ("Ou're-yay e-thay estest-bay ickler-tay ever-way!") slipped right through.

Please, always assume they are watching, because they totally are!

October 20, 2005

SBC to Buy AT&T for $16B

SBC Communications Inc. has agreed to buy AT&T Corp. for $16 billion, creating one of the world’s largest telecommunications companies and ending the independent run of a company once known as Ma Bell whose roots stretch back to the days when people cared about one another.

SBC spokesman Larry Solomon said documents in the acquisition were signed early Monday after AT&T's board of directors acknowledged receipt of their yachts and private islands.

San Antonio-based SBC has about 50 million local-telephone customers. It also is a 60 percent owner of Cheez Wiz.

Edward E. Whitacre Jr., SBC chairman and chief executive, said "Today's agreement is a huge step forward in our efforts to control and monitor all telecommunications as part of the administration’s plans of world domination.”

“Oops, I think I just read the wrong speech,” he added.

"We are combining AT&T's global networks and expertise with SBC's desire to own everything,” said David W. Dorman, AT&T chairman and chief executive.

"Together, SBC and AT&T will make more money than any of us can possibly hope to spend in our lifetimes,” said Dorman. “As a small boy, I always dreamed of being very rich and losing track of what matters in life," Dorman added.

AT&T's longtime employees face another in the relentless round of job cuts that have reduced the company from 1 million employees in 1984 to 47,000 today. Many today are taking home office supplies in anticipation of a lay-off.

“These Post-Its are great,” said Tina Reffett, a veteran employee of the company.

"Some of the news coverage I've seen suggests that we do not care about our employees,” Dorman said, “so I have turned off the TV."

With regard to the company name, Whitacre said, "We value the heritage and strength of the AT&T brand, and it will certainly be implied in the company's new name ‘SBC Plus.’"

October 19, 2005

K8 reminds us that Halloween is just around the corner! I love Halloween even though, because of my age, I haven't been trick-or-treating in over four and a half years. Todd and I found a costume shop that has a huge assortment of costumes that fit humans. They have signed the BETA pledge saying they will not profit from animal costuming of any kind.

Todd bought a feather boa that was perfect for what he is planning, but I had trouble finding something just right, so I will have to return again and have another consultation with Guy (pronounced gee), their very helpful head costume consultant. He was very thorough and measured me all over before even discussing what costume would suit me best. Guy recommended I sign up for the complete package (consultation, fitting, private photo session and portfolio).

Some of our readers have commented that certain cases of human costuming are as actionable as the animal costuming we have uncovered these past months. Infant costuming, another example of the cute, is, some would say, just as sadistic. We agree, but we would argue that there are already organizations, such as Child Protective Services, that protect humans, whereas pets are still fair game. If you see a child being forcibly costumed, you can call CPS and, in two to three days, someone will make a report, but if you witness animal costuming on the level seen below, there is nowhere you can turn for help. You are morally obligated to take action, even if it means using your taser and/or wrestling the owner to the ground. We're counting on you.

Save us!

October 18, 2005

I'm sure you've all heard about the cat with two tongues by now. You've probably forwarded the story to everyone you know with a subject line like "Check this out!" or "You won't believe this!" or "Damn, malformed animals are humorous!" Who am I to spoil all this good clean fun?

But is it good clean fun? Assuming the cat was actually born with the two tongues, and the more likely scenario - that the owner performed a bit of illicit garage surgery - is not the case, we still have to ask Who benefits from the displaying of Kitty Two-tongues? Certainly not kitty. Will the quality of his food or litter go up? Will he receive additional underchin scratching? Unlikely.

Here's what's more likely: Kitty will be driven endlessly around neighboring counties and paraded before audiences of sticky-fingered children. His popularity will grow, and he will appear on popular television programs, where the owner will be asked such questions as When did you first notice the two tongues thing? and he'll say First time he stuck out his tongues, I seen 'em.

But after a few weeks, kitty will be forgotten. He'll still have two tongues, but the money to correct his hideous problem will have long ago been misspent on agent's fees and thousands of cases of Cat Got Your Tongues? t-shirts.

Please, people, don't forward this crap around. Join OPE blog in pushing for corrective surgery for this noble beast so he will have a chance at a normal licking ability. Let's see those cards and letters!

October 17, 2005

The cleansing ceremony over the weekend was a huge success. I truly do feel a greater sense of peace inside. The feelings of rage still rear their ugly head, but I just perform my healing chant ("No one can make me mad but me") and they subside.

Before, I had this neighbor who would play his TV loudly and make me want to kill him. Then, this weekend, he was laid off, and on the first of the month, he will have to move back into his van, so already things are improving.

Before, I would enter a store and the salesperson would say "Can I help you find something?" and it would make me break my screaming rule and sometimes even my touching rule. Now, before entering a retail establishment, I perform my personal space chant ("I will keep my hands and feet to myself") and my calming chant ("Other people are not purposely mocking me"). It really works, and it has done absolute wonders for my arrest record!

Todd also has been doing his chant each morning before he arrives at the OPE offices, and he says it really helps. Each person's chant is personal and specific to him, and Todd has not shared his, but whatever it is, the result is some of the best damn coffee-making in the world!

October 15, 2005

From the latest issue of OPE zine.

October 14, 2005

Today is the special day where I take all my clay figures (representing the people who have pissed me off) and perform the cleansing ceremony that my therapists recommended. During the ceremony, I go to my quiet place and hold each figure over my head, chanting the name of the person it represents. Then, I smash the shit out of it on the sidewalk. The process will take some time.

Todd will be there to provide moral support and sweeping. This experience should provide some kind of catharsis wherein I will discover something about why I rage. Personally, I think the blame lies with the people who piss me off.

The ceremony was scheduled for noon, however, on the way back from my challenge group meeting this morning, I was involved in a screaming incident with a guy who desperately needed some fucking driving lessons, and now I have to sculpt one more figure before I can begin the ceremony (and true healing).


It's okay if it doesn't look exactly the same

October 13, 2005

Todd and I were overwhelmed by the outpouring of support yesterday for our offline endeavors. This makes us feel almost as if we belong to the community of humans (and makes us much less likely to kill). Those persons interested in subscribing to the offline version of OPE should click view my complete profile, then email (under contact) to contact these offices re: their order.

Speaking of things that make us much less likely to kill, my therapists suggested that the best way for me to deal with the seething anger inside was to make a clay figure of everyone who has pissed me off. It took a few months to finish all the figures, but I think it helped. I definitely felt some anger dissipating during the process, especially when I closed the lid of the kiln and turned it on. Though I cannot condone hate, seething rage is inevitable and is best dealt with in clay.

About the people represented: There is not enough space for me to tell you about every one of these assholes, such as my former administrator, my eight grade P.E. teacher, that guy in the post office that one time, Mel Gibson etc. etc. etc. I am sure you could come up with your own list almost as long if you really dwelled on it.



We must remind ourselves that each of these assholes is a person too

October 12, 2005

Well, I know everyone is wondering what all the excitement was about yesterday. What all the excitement was about was Todd and I finished Issue #6 of Other People Exist (an offline, paper-based zine) yesterday and mailed it off to our subscribers. We put quite a bit of work into it these last few days, which explains the recent substandard posts on OPE blog. There just aren't enough hours in the day for us to work on both OPEs and catch a fresh new episode of One Tree Hill.

OPE zine is $4.oo an issue and is available only through our offices or at one of the many unauthorized fansites across the Net.


Todd holds the envelopes and I stuff them in

October 11, 2005

Todd and I are as busy as beavers working on a special project that is the second most exciting thing we get to do together. Those of you who know the OPE operation well probably have an idea what it is already. Tomorrow I hope to tell all (about the special project).

I have a stack of file boxes in the closet, where I have stored every hate letter and window-shattering brick-wrapped note I have ever received. One of us (Todd) had to spend the day hunched over looking for specific items that I needed for the project. We're still finishing up, but when Todd comes out of the closet, we're going out for a celebratory dinner on the town.

More tomorrow.


That's a lot of hate!

October 10, 2005

I am a huge fish oil supporter, and pretty much everyone I know is on the fish oil. So you could say I really appreciate a fish oil sale of any kind, particularly a Buy One Get One sale. That said, it is clear that someone at the Walgreens flier production facility is having way too much fun.

October 9, 2005

Cloned Pop Star Generates Ethics Debate

SAN FRANCISCO - The cloned-to-order pop star Ashlee Simpson, a 20-year-old with three hit CDs to her name, has reignited a fierce ethical and scientific debate over cloning technology.

Ashlee cost Geffen Music $50,000 and was created from DNA from her “sister,” singer Jessica Simpson, co-host of the popular Nick & Jessica Variety Hour on ABC.

"She is identical. Her personality is the same," her owner, Geffen Music, said in a telephone interview. “We just dyed her hair black and used a different singer to record her songs.”

Scientists warn that cloning is still a very inexact science. It takes many gruesome failures to produce just a single clone. In 1990, Sony Records created Jamie Lynn Spears, a singing “little sister” for Britney Spears, but her CD sales were disappointing and the project was terminated.

Several research teams around the world, meanwhile, are racing to create the first cloned monkey.

The company that created Ashlee, Sausalito-based Genetic Savings and Clone, said it hopes by May to have produced two more platinum-selling pop stars for various labels. If they are successful, the company plans to create a cloned Crossover Artist using DNA from the exhumed body of Selena.

"It's morally problematic and a little reprehensible," said David Mavnus, co-director of the Center for Biomedical Ethics at Stanford University. "Ashlee Simpson may have Jessica’s DNA, but she doesn’t have any of her sparkle.”

Critics also complain that the technology is available only to the wealthy, and that everyone should be able to afford to have their own clone of Britney Spears or Avril Lavigne.

Sociologists argue that most families already do.

"The thing that many people do not realize is that the cloned singer is not the same as the original," said Bonnie Beamer, a Texas A&M animal behaviorist. "She may wear the same whorish outfits and sing the same kind of tripe, but on the inside, she has completely different set of banal thoughts and feelings.”

Between 15 percent and 45 percent of cloned pop stars die within the first 30 days, Beamer noted.


Jamie Lynn in her Sunday Best

October 8, 2005

Britney in Negotiations with the Sears People

Britney Spears to Merge with Sears in $11.5 Billion Deal

NEW YORK - Britney Spears, the oft-married pop diva, and Sears, Roebuck and Co. announced a surprise 11.5 billion dollar merger that will create the United States' third biggest annoyance. The new company will be named Britney Sears.

News of the merger helped boost the sales of low-cut jeans and whorish tops. World retail giants Wal-Mart and Home Depot saw their shares fall, but Wal-Mart has already entered talks with Kenny G.

With almost 3,500 retail stores, the new company will have 55 billion dollars in annual sales and a pink convertible Beetle.

Under the agreement, which was unanimously approved, everyone under the age of fourteen will receive one share of new Britney Sears Holdings common stock. People fifteen and older will remain baffled.

At a New York news conference for investors and the media, Sears CEO Alan Lacy said "Sears features a powerful home appliance franchise as well as strong positions in tools, lawn and garden, and automotive repair. Britney Spears features a unique 'singing' style, trademark erratic behavior, and a bubbly ass that is highly brandable."

Lacy said he and Spears have known each other four years and that the idea for a combined company first came under discussion when they were shopping for tops at The Nordstrom Rack. "We were arguing about whose belly button is cuter, and when I suggested we merge, Britney thought I meant merge companies," he said.

After the reorganization, Britney was left with over 50 percent of Sears’ shares and four seats on the board of directors, which she immediately had reupholstered.

The new deal marks the a major shake-up in the battered US retail industry and the end of an era at Sears, whose history goes back to 1886, decades before the infantilization of popular music.

October 7, 2005

We had a beautiful service today for Todd's grandmother. Todd's Civil War reenactor friends showed up to pay their respects and reenact a short sequence from The Battle of Chickamauga. I said a few words about her sandwiches and tea, and then Todd gave a tear-filled eulogy detailing how she had single-handedly raised her kids and ran a ranch, etc. - standard funeral fare for the most part.

When we were filing past the coffin, I notice grandma was wearing a lovely brooch, one which we had already listed on eBay. Though I explained to Todd that there are substantial penalties for withdrawing an item from auction, he still insisted I keep my hands off of grandma's body.

I must say I didn't care for how they had made up her face. It looked a little whorish to me, but that was not what Todd wanted to hear. He looked at me as if to say I may never make coffee for you again, though of course he did, back at the OPE offices, right after the service.

I'll always treasure the memory of our lunches at Grandma's. Though I only knew her a short time, I know she would have wanted us to have the widescreen TV we watched together so many times, so we swung by her place after the service and picked it up. I know she's up there watching it with us right now.

October 6, 2005

It is with a sad heart that I report the passing of Todd's grandmother. She was a sweet woman who always supported our work here at OPE in more ways than she knew. She died peacefully in her sleep at whatever age she was. She is survived by Todd and the people who are related to Todd.

Her passing leaves us without lunch plans for the foreseeable future. There is a sandwich shop around the corner, but it just will not be the same with us having to pay. I considered having Todd prepare the staff lunches, but today does not seem like the day to be assigning him new tasks, so I will tell him tomorrow.

In other news, we are making plans to expand our staff and upgrade the technology center. A new source of revenue developed very recently that has us all jumping for joy (except Todd). Stay tuned for more details.


Grandma, as a young girl, clutching the all-important purse

October 5, 2005

Study Finds National Math Test Easier

WASHINGTON - The national test of student math skills is filled with easy questions, raising doubts about recent gains in achievement tests, a study contends.

The central fault, contends Tim Mathers, Director of the Anderson Center on Education Policy, is that too many problem-solving questions rely on whole numbers such as 2 or 3, with too few challenges involving 4,5 and 6.

“And all the problems are plusses. None of them are take-aways,” he said.

On the eighth-grade version of the test, almost 40 percent of the questions address skills taught in first or second grade, according to Mathers. One example is the question “How many hands do you have?” which critics say can be easily answered with one glance. The question has also been criticized by advocates for the disabled.

Another question reads simply "Touch the square."

“How can the assessors of the test know whether the student has touched the square or just stared blankly into space?” Mathers asked.

“That’s stupid,” said Tina Reffet, Director of the National Test Governing Board, which sets the test content. “Anyone can touch a square!”

Advocates for the disabled disagreed.

The National Test Governing Board said the Center’s study is flawed because it is based on a questionable formula of what kids should know when. “Kids are way dumber now,” said Reffet. “I think it’s something in the milk.”

The study, being released Thursday, determined a grade level for each question by asking students who were tested “was that hard?”

Reffet criticized this methodology. “Kids always say stuff is hard,” she insisted “and they always want Mountain Dew.”

Overall, more than seven in 10 fourth-graders and almost as many eighth-graders are now achieving at a basic level or better on math, according to the latest scores of the test. But more than two-thirds say they have never heard of multiplication. And when asked “What is Geometry?” seventy-five percent of students replied “Is that for Playstation or Nintendo?”

October 4, 2005

I underwent another procedure today at a local medical facility in what has become a program of biannual outpatient surgeries, but I wanted to post despite the fact that I cannot quite be sure I am making sense. Your thoughtful comments of 10/03/05 have given us at OPE much food for thought, and at our next board meeting, we plan to discuss some of your ideas (except the stupid ones).

In the meantime, please visit our jewelry auction and see if any of grandma's stuff strikes your fancy.


Act now, as grandma is running out of jewelry

October 3, 2005

"Why are you staring at my purse?"

Thanks for your supportive comments of 10/02/05. Todd and I appreciate your desire to help. If we can get OPE profitable, it would not only realize a months long dream, it would free up some of Todd's grandma's cash so she could buy important medicines.

Let me give you a clearer picture of our finances. We have seven staff members, each making a mid-six figure salary. This does not include the cost of health benefits and the rental subsidy. We have been paying them out of grandma's jewelry money, but it cannot last much longer, because grandma has no more jewelry.

Todd has a different compensation package. He earns what he believes is the minimum wage and participates in our lucrative profit-sharing scheme, from which he has received a total of $0.00US to date. That will change once there are profits.

Our incidental costs I outlined yesterday, but I forgot to mention the substantial Cremora bill. With almost nine people drinking up to forty pots of coffee a day, we have had to order the creamer by the pallet.

As you can see, we are in a tight spot. The obvious solution - getting rid of Todd - is unthinkable, given his unrivaled coffee-making (and other) services, and his astonishing ability to reach ever new levels of toadying.

Again, we are open to your suggestions.

October 2, 2005

Dogs in pirate-themed costumes - will it ever end?

It feels good to be helming the OPE technology center again, scouring the Interweb for information on the issues that really matter. Todd keeps the encouraging comments and hot gourmet coffee flowing, and performs other duties crucial to my morale. Our staff stays busy correcting my spelling and grammar, fact-checking the posts and getting the necessary signed releases to keep everything legal.

Our gross profit to date still stands at $0.00US. Factoring in our other expenses, such as attorney's fees, our Internet2 cabling costs and the coffee and muffin bill, our net losses have been substantial. While we have been developing our revenue stream, Todd's grandmother has been a great help. She has us over almost every day for tea and sandwiches, and she always leaves her purse open and unguarded on a chair. As soon as OPE is profitable, we plan to pay her back by making her a sandwich (after that, she will no longer be essential to the organization, and the lunches will be eliminated).

We simply cannot stay operational much longer without some money coming in - more money than Todd's grandma carries on any given day. We welcome your suggestions.

October 1, 2005

Proposal Urges Proper Use of Police Flashlights

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Police Commission says officers should use flashlights for light only and not for bashing in the heads of suspects. Flashlight manufacturers disagreed.

"A baton is only made of wood," said Tina Reffet, a representative from The Flashlight Manufacturers Association. "It simply cannot bash heads the way a big metal flashlight can."

The commission offered the proposal yesterday. It follows June's televised beating in which Officer John Puller repeatedly bashed a man's head with a flashlight that was not even on. "Plus it was daytime," said a bystander.

The proposed policy, to be considered Jan. 11, states that police should only use a flashlight as a weapon under certain circumstances, such as when the suspect has "pulled a Rodney King."

Reached at his home in Los Angeles, famous LAPD beatee King said "I'm thankful that Officer Powell (the officer who beat him senseless) forgot his flashlight in his cruiser."

"The proposal still permits officers to use flashlights to stop violent suspects," said Bob Baker, president of the Police Protective League. "Oh, and they can use them to see in dark places too."

Ricardo Garcia, criminal justice director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California, said "On the positive side, at least this will give officers some training on how to strike properly with a flashlight." The LAPD gives no formal training on proper use of a flashlight to subdue a suspect.

Reffet said The Flashlight Manufacturers Association does not offer workshops on the technique but that they could put one together quickly if the money was right.

After the televised beating, Chief William J. Bratton pledged to forbid the use of heavy metal flashlights. Bratton said the department would develop small, lightweight wooden flashlights, which will not light and which will be called "batons."