August 31, 2005

The back door AKA Todd's entrance

I heard Todd come in very late last night. He padded around the offices, being careful not to wake me as he went back to work on our wiring. I fell asleep to the smell of solder smoke.

This morning, when I woke up, the technology center was up and running, there was a fresh pot of coffee on, and Todd was smiling as if nothing had ever happened. I had expected one of Todd's little scenes where he waves his hands around and uses his squeaky voice and gets his feelings out. Usually, he tells me not to boss him around anymore or demean him in front of other staff or put my cigarettes out on his jacket. Then I can apologize in a way that seems sincere, and, after a few hours, start laying into him again. That sense of closure is what makes possible the return to the status quo.

I began to wonder whether Todd had found another position, somewhere where they said appreciative things or paid him a living wage or let him enter the premises through the front door. He is an adaptable, compliant, hard-working lackey who would be welcome in any business environment. In a moment of panic, I even thought of apologizing and offering to let him speak before being spoken to. But then, suddenly, as he was filling my coffee, he apologized entirely for his outburst and begged for my forgiveness.

It is sweet being on top again!

August 30, 2005

As you can see, there were some cabling issues at the OPE offices this morning. Todd got confused by the Internet2 fiber-optic lines; he kept saying I know what I'm doing and slapping my hand away(!), but, in the end, he screeched I need personal space!, dropped his butt connectors, and ran out the back door (AKA Todd's entrance). I am really going to miss Todd, unless he comes back

The Internet2 moves data at 10 gigabits per second. This sounds technical, but in practical terms, it means you can download a DVD-quality copy of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999) in only 30 seconds, which was coincidentally my goal for the day. Users must also meet minimum technical requirements (Windows Vista, Intel® Viiv™ with dual-core processor), and then they can start sharing important research or exchanging porn videos at thousands of times the speed of the commodity Internet (or, to neophytes, The Internet).

New technology always comes with abuses. The Internet2 also has a downside. Cat bloggers, who crave the exchanging of all things Kitty, will have the technology to create and send large-file hardcore cat videos (Kitty licking cream from his nose, Kitty playing with the ficus), which will only increase the length and intensity of cat posing and costuming, making life even more miserable for already overblogged cats.

August 29, 2005

The Internet2 cabling is complicated

I haven't had a chance to post because I have been so busy reading all my fave blogs. The Attorneys for Just Ass Acne has all the latest news re: the ongoing battle to bring ass acne out of our bathrooms and into our hearts. The Films of Alan Smithee profiles forgotten gems from the entertainment world. Remember Sigmund and the Sea Monsters? Well, Alan Smithee does, so you don't have to. And Jeff Bridges Right Now keeps you updated on what Beau Bridges' brother is up to, moment to moment, whether you are reading or not.

Over the weekend, Todd visited the Belden factory and viewed all the latest cabling options. He returned very excited and has already made plans to upgrade our Internet2 cabling with a new, less shocky battery of cords. You may remember that our previous setup, while workable, required a manual switchover from the Internet1 to the Internet2, which brought with it a high risk of injury for the cable holder (Todd). The new setup will eliminate that process, which means I will no longer have to listen to Todd's cries of Ouch and That's really hurty and Please let me upgrade the cables.

As you know, on the Internet2, you can post 4,000 times faster and upload 500 more cat/baby pics per second than on the commodity Internet. You can also manipulate remote instruments, allowing your readers to undergo critical, life-saving procedures right from your blog. As long as they leave a comment.

August 25, 2005

The letter that went unanswered

Steve XXXXXX
Head Writer
(Famous Humorous Television Program)
XXXX Hollywood Blvd.
Hollywood, CA 90028

Dear Mr. XXXXXXX,
I am a humor writer looking to write for television. I believe (Famous Humorous Television Program) is one of the best-written shows on TV.

What I Can Provide
1. I could replace a recently fired (or deceased) writer who wasn’t all that good. Expectations would be low, and it could be a great opportunity for me to “shine.”

2. I could just be around and occasionally say funny things that other writers could develop into completed projects.

3. I could review the finished work of others and offer suggestions for subtle changes that may or may not be improvements.

4. I could work on a project of your choice.

Examples of my humorous writing
1. I wrote the column Seriously Speaking for the UC Davis Aggie until I was fired for lampooning a local gas station (despite the fact that I had changed its name to Chebron).

2. I publish the zine Other People Exist, which has over thirty subscribers on two continents.

3. My blog Other People Exist (otherpeopleexist.blogspot.com) has no site counter, so the number of regular visitors could be in the thousands, but is most likely 6.

My needy personality type and tendency to annoy would be more than offset by my contributions to the material.

Enclosed please find samples of my work that include blog entries, altered news articles (the funny parts are mine) and cartoons. Thank you for your consideration,


Kurt

August 24, 2005

Bush Supporters, Activists Clash in Calif.

Supporters of President Bush clashed with anti-war activists as they tore through California after rallying in the hometown of Cindy Sheehan, the mother who started a protest outside Bush's Texas ranch.

Conservative activists and military families embarked on the tour Monday, calling it "We Are Not In Agreement With What You Say, Cindy!" A verbal confrontation erupted when the caravan arrived in Sacramento and was met by anti-war protesters. Two people with opposing views yelled at each other without really listening to what the other was saying.

Sheehan supporter Dan Elliott, 71, confronted caravan members by waving a sign reading "My point of view is correct" and heckling one of the tour's organizers as she addressed the crowd.

"Although you make some excellent points," he yelled, "your conclusions are incorrect!"

The pro-Bush caravan has planned rallies in several California cities. The final stop is Miami, Florida, where they will receive the second half of their payment.

Some caravan members called the anti-war protesters communists, demonstrating a need to do some additional reading on systems of government.

Toni Colip, 50, said her son, David, used to get high with Casey Sheehan and is now in the Army, although not in Iraq. Colip said her son opposes Cindy Sheehan's activities.

"So that's one person for sure," Colip said.

Sheehan vowed to remain in Texas until Bush agreed to meet with her or until the new season of One Tree Hill begins. "That Chad Michael Murray is so cute," she added.

A White House spokeswoman said Bush did not plan to change his schedule and meet with Sheehan, unless his squash practice is canceled.

"He really needs to build up his lats," the spokeswoman said.

On Monday, Bush was in Salt Lake City visiting the new Arby's franchise, where he spoke to a national veterans group to rally support for the war. Bush has said he sympathizes with Sheehan, but he cannot change course, or Karl Rove will be angry.

"And he's scary when he's mad," Bush said.


Excessive flag-waving has aggravated this caravaner's carpal tunnel

August 23, 2005

As amazing as it may seem, I found a blogged cat that it not being fetishized or infantilized. Charlie (pictured here in an absolutely neutral fashion) has had his pic posted twice, once while sitting on the bed doing nothing, and once while looking at his paw in a nonadorable way. His owner, who asked to remain nameless, says he feels pressure from other cat bloggers to post hardcore cute pics like Charlie confused by a stuffed mouse or Charlie with an athletic supporter on his head. He has resisted because he feels that one should not get their pleasure from another's misfortune and because, unlike many cat bloggers, he has a day job.

Because his owner has not overblogged him, Charlie never runs for cover when he sees him coming with his digital camera. And unlike other blogged cats, he shows no signs of PTSD; he reacts normally to the sight of hardcore cute pic hazards such as laundry baskets, cardboard boxes and sock drawers.

Let us give thanks that there are people who can serve as a positive example to the cat blogger community. It gives us hope in light of these pics:


I try not to think about the costuming process this kitty went through


There oughta be a law

August 22, 2005

Today we profile Chelsea, a daschund who lives with a blogger named Tina Reffett. Refreshingly, Tina has never costumed Chelsea. In cold weather, she sometimes helps him put on his plain brown sweater. This is the only pic of him she has ever posted in her blog, and it shows Chelsea au naturel, probably looking at the TV or waiting for someone to drop part of their lunch. Tina did not call his name or make kissy noises to get him to look at the camera. She just pressed the button and took the picture. Chelsea never even knew it was happening.

You see, it is possible to have a pet and not make it your plaything. Chelsea owns no hot dog costume, no tam o'shanter, no Santa booties. He has never had his nails done or been forced to hold hands with someone and do a funny dance. He was not given a cutesy name such as Frank Furter. Tina never infantilizes Chelsea or uses a sing-songy tone of voice when addressing him. The words Wiener Dog are never spoken in her house.

Unfortunately, not all our daschunds are this lucky:


It's best not to think about the potential ear/eye hazards


Need I show more? She could be the BETA poster pup

August 21, 2005

Where do I start? These overcostumed pups never had a chance at a normal life. When BETA operatives stormed the home where they were being held, these two had been hastily moved to the grandparents' the previous evening. A digital camera and two memory cards were confiscated, but the pups are no doubt still being posed and photographed somewhere right now.

Since we can assume that these abusees are not aware they look like hot dogs, then the question becomes Who is this for? Is it for the amusement of passersby, or is it for the owners, who, because of some deficiency of character, require extra attention and "strokes" e.g. That is so clever! and Wherever did you get the idea? Are the owners even aware that the correct dog for this visual joke is the daschund?

The hot dog getup disrespects these dogs and their noble heritage. They once were warriors, banded together in packs, hunting the open range. Now they are merely someone's playthings. I'm sure these dogs would love to get their owner alone somewhere and go all atavistic on his ass, but the sad fact is they can't. They need the kibble.

August 19, 2005

We all know about the ongoing tragedy of overblogged pets. Today I will profile some of the pets who have been rescued from their bloggers by the heroes at BETA. They have all been traumatized and are learning to trust humans again. One day, we hope they will be strong enough to provide quality cuddling once more.


A recent rescuee from Stuff On My Cat, this little one spends the whole day simply waiting expectantly for things to be piled on her. Scary. Sad.



This poor kitty was tragically overposed. She was a "cat for hire" and modeled for three years for various blogs. Since her rescue, she cannot stop posing. Also, when she's around, the other cats feel fat.



This pup was overcostumed by his blogger on an almost daily basis. Even in the safety of the BETA recovery center, he still costumes himself with found objects.



Do I even need to tell you what this cat has been through? If someone at the facility raises their voice for any reason, he walks resignedly to the washer and waits like this in the door.

August 18, 2005

Sometimes, in my down time, I look at job listings and think Maybe I'll get a job some day. Those who know me know that chances are slim, but I keep looking anyway. I like to picture myself in the various jobs as I read their descriptions, and then I can usually see quite clearly why it would never work out. Anyhoo, I was looking at a job listing today which read, in part:

...the Richley District After School Collaborative (RDASC; pronounced raz-dak)...fosters youth development and supports working families by providing affordable, quality after school care to students.

I hate to nitpick (not true), but I have two questions:
1. How did they get "raz-dak" out of RDASC? Wouldn't "arr-dask" be closer? It's not as if "raz-dak" brings to mind anything in particular, such as quality after school education or anything at all.
2. What circumstances caused them to go for the acronym, because it certainly wasn't the great way it sounded (see above)? And although the definition of an acronym is broad (initialisms such as HTML are now considered acronyms, and some fudging has always been allowed, such as making radar out of radio detecting and ranging), I don't think RDASC (raz-dak) is allowed.

I should say that I have no reason to suspect that this reflects on the quality of after school care that RDASC provides, unless of course you believe it points to a general lack of smarts among the management.

August 17, 2005

From Yahoo News:


Google launches BETA version of BrainSearch
Google has developed a new search engine that searches users' brains for long-lost information. BrainSearch can search up to 8 billion neurons, which is sufficient for most Americans (others may need to wait for the release version). For example, having trouble remembering the name of that guy in college who got wasted and pulled down his pants in front of Baskin-Robbins? A quick Google BrainSearch with the terms 'pantsless loser' reveals that it was Jack Hayden.

Protected by SafeSearch
BrainSearch comes with SafeSearch fully activated, so unpleasant information is blocked (unless you change your SafeSearch settings in Preferences). Searching for 'camping trip brother's family'? BrainSearch yields 141 hits, everything from s'mores to fishing poles, but nothing related to when you slept with your sister-in-law and then denied it. Or simply type in the phrase "all the people I've screwed over." BrainSearch yields zero results!

BrainSearch Saves Your Ass
Install BrainSearch on your Blackberry and take it to parties. Who's that lady who's always calling you Buddy? You'll know in 0.14 seconds! Why are you mad at Roger again? Oh yeah, BrainSearch reminds you, because of the rubbing thing. Why is your sister-in-law looking at you funny? Zero results.

BrainSearch Will Change Your Life
You'll never find yourself scratching your head again, unless it itches. If it's in your brain, BrainSearch will find it*.

*BrainSearch cannot reverse the effects of age, alcohol abuse, or stupidity. Those in denial may be adversely affected by certain search results. Side effects may include depersonalization, derealization, querulousness and lack of pep. Prolonged use may result in urinary retention, puffiness of the face and shoulders, development of breasts, and decreased list-making.

August 16, 2005

See how much you know/care about Kurt. Take the All About Kurt quiz. You don't have to be a blogger member! All is takes is a lack of something better to do.

August 15, 2005

According to my sources, bloggers everywhere are talking about Cindy Sheehan, so therefore I am talking about Cindy Sheehan. Cindy Sheehan is "the grieving mother of a fallen soldier" who "began a campaign to force a meeting with President Bush by setting up camp along the road to his ranch." She says "she won't leave until he speaks to her." Her position, according to Craig Newmark of craigslist, is that "George W Bush has to be accountable for the war, and the media has to hold him accountable."

Now those who know me know that I have always strongly supported annoying The President. I also support each citizen's right to protest, even when they are wrong, or, as Noam Chomsky might say, especially when they are wrong. But the right to protest is not the same as the right to a personal meeting with The President. Insisting on this kind of meeting seems undemocratic. Why does she get a meeting and not everyone else? No Fair!

The fact is, The President just doesn't have the time to meet with everyone. Between his cabinet meetings, briefings, cat naps, squash practice and special alone time, he only has a few minutes to spare; there are definitely not enough time slots for a meeting with each person. I think his attitude is If I can't do it right, I shouldn't do it at all. Plus some people are just plain boring.

I'm not saying that Ms. Sheehan doesn't have legitimate concerns. I'm just saying she should do what the rest of us do: indulge in activities that distract us from the corruption of our culture and the coming end times. Trust me, it works!

August 15, 2005

Her Majesty

Well, despite promising The Statue of Liberty that I would never fiddle with my template again, I did go in there today and restore my links. When I say I, I mean I gave Todd the order.

In theory, people read your blog and, if they like it, they say I wonder what blogs he/she steals ideas from? and then they click on your links and see. But those of you with site counters know that this is horseshit. Occasionally, people will come to your blog through a comment you've left, but for the most part, they tend not to use sidebar links.

Note: I'm not sure if this applies to blogrolls; I've never blogrolled because I don't understand it, and Todd does not explain it well.

So Explore Blogdom has returned to my sidebar, albeit in mismatched font, but you know what: I'm okay with that! What matters is the content of a blog, and as soon as I have the time and energy and I start caring again, I'm going to write a really good post. Until then, enjoy!

August 14, 2005

Israel Seals Gaza Strip to Begin Pullout

Israel lowered a road barrier sealing the Gaza Strip to Israeli civilians at midnight Sunday — signaling the start of a historic withdrawal that will end its 38-year occupation, redraw borders and send shock waves through the real estate industry in the mideast.

Officers planted Palestinian flags and pitched tents while some chanted in praise of their late leader, Yasser Arafat. Hundreds of supporters of the militant Islamic Jihad group celebrated in Gaza City, with gunmen tritely firing in the air. The violent Hamas group organized a special midnight marshmallow roast.

In the Peat Sadeh settlement, poor sport Yaakov Mazaltareen set fire to his two warehouses that contained irrigation equipment and two vehicles. He used his forklift to knock down what was left of the structures. Settlers stopped to tsk-tsk him.

At daybreak Monday, Israeli troops were to fan out across Gaza's 21 settlements, knock on doors and inform settlers their presence in Gaza was now illegal. To avoid receiving notice, many settlers have vowed not to answer the door, saying they are in the tub. Others plan to crank up their stereo so the troops cannot be sure that they have heard them.

"It is OK to cry with them," the army chief, Lt. Gen. Dan Halutz, told commanders in urging troops to show understanding of the traumatic time for settlers.

However, once forcible removal begins Wednesday morning, the tub excuse will be useless.

Many hope the pullout from the territory Israel captured in 1967 will be the start of a true partition of historic Palestine between Arab and Jew. Chances are low, though.

Dozens of anti-pullout protesters put up tents in the beachfront settlement outpost of Shirat Hayam. They turned a dilapidated house into a storeroom, piling up diapers, bottled water and canned foods. Women cooked on open fires, children bathed in makeshift bathrooms and people chatted in open tents. Crosby, Stills and Nash played a full set before rain drove them from the stage.

But many families packed their belongings and left the Gaza Strip in recent days, and more were leaving Sunday. Most residents of Peat Sadeh already moved to Israel and were spending the weekend in a hotel. "They have cable!" said recent displacee Itai Ben Simchon.

Pinchas Ariel, a farmer from the Ganei Tal settlement, said he was leaving on his own because he couldn't face clashing with Israeli soldiers. "I can clash with the best of them, but I don't get the thrill out of taunting and brick-throwing that I used to," he said.

Vice Premier Shimon Peres gave a pep talk to troops near the Gaza border. "Just a couple more days, and you can start in with the head bashing," he promised.

Soldiers lowered a red road barrier at the Kissufim Crossing between Israel and Gaza, with a sign on the barrier reading: "Stop, entry into the Gaza Strip and presence there is prohibited by law now."

With about 200 people looking on, the barrier was raised and lowered several times, while Israeli soldiers pointed and nodded knowingly.

August 12, 2005

LaVina, Ambrose and the LeSabre

This photo was taken by The Author in another state at a date in the past. In the photo, The Grandma and The Grandpa (discussed yesterday) are sitting on the bumper of The Father's Buick LeSabre. Every summer, The Father would drive us four children from the state where we lived to the Grandparents' state (consuming approximately 1000 gallons of gas), and we would stay for two weeks.

Home stank of powdered milk, old beds and disappointment. But on the road, we stayed in "hotels," ate in restaurants and visited many of the famous sites situated between the two states. In short, it was a party. We were moving. The Father was upright. There was activity.

The Grandpa rented us a cabin on the lake each summer. He took us out for dinner in the evenings. He taught us to count to ten in the foreign language of the country he came from. Unlike the father, he was vertical all day, and only lay in bed at night to go to sleep.

I liked The Grandpa and I apologize for shortchanging him in yesterday's post. If he were here today, I'm sure he would be very very old.

August 11, 2005

The author is unable to control his excitement

I made a brief visit to a popular American city recently and brought back photographic memories of my trip. Pictured above is the author with a famous site from that city behind him.

Just to FYI you: In 1902, the author's grandfather arrived at this same location from a foreign country that is well known for its sausages and warmongering. He was only two years old, so he was just doing what he was told. His name was Ambrosius, after Sanctus Ambrosius (Saint Ambrose), whose chief faults were ambition and bigotry.

After passing a health screening and participating in a focus group for Grand Theft Auto Ellis Island, he and his family were allowed to continue on to their final destination (Grand Rapids, Michigan), funny accents and all.

There, he went to school, got married, worked, had kids, grew old and then died. It's an inspiring story that reminds us how important it is to value every minute of our lives and not waste a single second fiddling with our templates or looking at all our blinkie options. I know grandpa wouldn't have.

Kurt out.

August 9, 2005

From Yahoo's Odd News:


'Three Stooges' Action Lands Boy in Court
GOLD HILL, Ore.

A 15-year-old boy who pinched and twisted the nipples of a 13-year-old has been sentenced to three days of community service for harassment. Attorneys for Moe Howard's family denied any responsibility for the boy's actions.

David Thumler, 15, said the "titty-twister" was just horseplay. The mother of 13-year-old, Matthew Cox, counters that the incident was humiliating for her son. Almost as humiliating as having his mother press formal charges and then "tell everyone," the boy said today.

"Jesus, mom," added Matthew.

"They're not friends," Bobby Cox said. "If he was my son's friend, it would be a different thing. There could be titty twisters, melvins, exploratory touching - all that stuff."

In addition to the community service, Thumler has been ordered to pay a $67 fine and attend nerd awareness classes. His Three Stooges DVD set has also been confiscated.

Ken Chapman, a Jackson County juvenile probation supervisor, said Oregon law defines physical harassment as "offensive physical touching." That includes such adolescent antics as"wedgies" and "noogies."

"The titty-twister is tricky, though, because it feels kinda good," Chapman said.

A lawyer hired by the 15-year-old's family called the juvenile court's actions "Orwellian." Attorneys for George Orwell's family denied any responsibility today.

"It's a thing of camaraderie," David said. "I don't titty-twist just anyone - it's gotta be someone I like, someone who's cool, and someone with nice nipples."

Even Bobby Cox said she was surprised to hear that her call to Gold Hill police resulted in court time for the boy. "Nobody informed me it would be a full-blown trial," she said. "I just wanted to make a big fuss and have people think of me as a really good mother. Isn't that what every mom wants?"

August 8, 2005

Once again, Laura has been putting in the hours doing Internet triage. Laura combs the World Wide Web looking at pics of blogged pets and forwarding the emergency cases on to OPE. These cases involve pets that are in immediate and serious danger. They are often being overposed, overcostumed and overblogged. Though all blogged pets are suffering, there is a difference between a pet pic with the caption Look how cute Kitty is and one that reads How will Kitty get down from that very high spot where we placed her.

It's a disgusting task that Laura takes on with relish. She loves helping animals, even cats (who never give even a meow of thanks). We here at OPE forward the intelligence to operatives at BETA (Bloggers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) who then perform the bust.

This week, thanks to Laura's tip, BETA operatives discovered that bloggers have been piling stuff on top of their cats and taking photos of the abusees. Unfortunately, the site in question accepts and publishes (some would say encourages) photos of laden cats from anonymous bloggers, making it particularly difficult to track down and prosecute the offenders. This morning, BETA operatives raided the garage of the webmaster and obtained thousands of hardcore cat pics. They range from the tame (cats covered in post-its) to the dangerous (cats smothered in throw pillows or peeking out of plastic bags) to the disturbing (a pair of cats supporting a stack of home electronics). Operatives also found thirty-one cases of hoarded Pampers that do not appear to be related to the case.

The submissions guidelines for the site mention nothing about a maximum weight for items placed atop the cats, so we can assume that accidental smooshings are common, maybe even preferred. One photo even involves toddler-on-cat action; we cannot even begin to comprehend the kind of monster who would conceive of such a juxtaposition. Thanks to Laura and BETA, hopefully some of these people will soon be behind bars where they belong. Abuse is not nearly so funny when one is on the receiving end (or so Todd has reported).



BETA operatives - our American Heroes

August 7, 2005

Apparently, Norman's Sound & Vision buys and sells vinyl that was previously owned by a CD or DVD. Seems like a small market.

August 5, 2005

Today, we bring photos from the front lines. BETA (Bloggers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) operatives risk their lives every day to rescue blogged pets from their bloggers. They are American heroes.


BETA brings rescued cats to The Cat Hospital


Blogged cats are treated for their numerous injuries and rehabilitated where possible


These cats learn trust and personal hygiene while waiting to be adopted


Unfortunately, not all the rescued cats survive being blogged. RIP Titers.

Breaking news: BETA discovers cutesy animal photography has infected the veterinary community - the very people who should be working to heal our pets. Click on the link only if you have a strong stomach.

August 4, 2005

Our good friend Laura reminded us that cat blogs are only the tip of the disturbingberg. Apparently there is no end to the kind of sadism that is driven by a hunger for cuteness. Sugar Bush, International Superstar and The World's Most Photographed Squirrel, has been forced to pose for an estimated 60 million photos over the past twenty-five years (these were quick estimates). The photos at first seem cute or funny, but after we undouble ourselves, we have to ask: Does Sugar Bush want to be dressed in camo and made to hold an Uzi? Does Sugar Bush have anything personally against Osama bin Laden (as we are led to believe), or is he instead thinking I wish I were high up in a tree gnawing on a nut of some kind?

Leaving aside the issue of anthropomorphization (and the assumption that our cats and squirrels agree with our foreign policy) these blogs perpetuate the notion that our pets are our playthings and that they enjoy role-playing, costuming, and the handsome men of the armed forces as much as we do. This has not been proven!

It goes beyond mere zoophilia when these bloggers take the next step and photograph their pet during these moments of humiliation and post the photo for everyone to "enjoy." For those who view the photos, the defense is always it's cute or I like it. Well, Pol Pot liked human flesh, so that's no argument. As for cuteness, note what Daniel Harris, in his essay The Cute and the Anti-cute, wrote:

Cuteness is not an aesthetic in the ordinary sense of the word and must not be mistaken for the physically appealing, the attractive. In fact, it is closely linked to the grotesque, the malformed. The grotesque is cute because the grotesque is pitiable, and pity is the primary emotion of this seductive and manipulative aesthetic.


Two more cats rescued by BETA operatives in recent sting operations

August 3, 2005

Sarah Boxer's July 30th article in the New York Times addressed the question we have all been asking: Why are there so many cat blogs? Cats are much more frequently 'Netted than dogs. Ms. Boxer writes Cats stay home. They are private, nobody's business. To watch them in their homes is a privilege. They are perfect for the Web, the medium of voyeurs.


Infinite Cat has pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats looking at pictures of cats ad infinitum

Ms. Boxer's humorous theories notwithstanding, the latest research from animal psychologists indicates that some people use perverted animal images or involve themselves in cruel activities as part of the struggle for recognition of their adulthood. This would explain certain bloggers' propensities for forcing cats to pose for pictures and propping cats up on tables and physically manipulating their heads to give the impression that they are viewing computer content. Cat bloggers support each other in this sadistic behavior by leaving such comments as Adorable! and More kitty! Cats blogs are largely ignored by the Blogosphere, and the behavior of these bloggers is tragically underlitigated.

In the city where I live, The District Attorney has refused to charge local cat bloggers, saying that cat blogs meet community standards. Unfortunately, the demented find this type of aggressive cat abuse cute, and they return the posted photos again and again to get their fix. They will email pics to friends and family members, and sometimes even to children, continuing the cycle of violence from one generation to the next. Meanwhile, the cats suffer silently, or with just occasional meows of protest.


A cat rescued from its blogger by BETA (Bloggers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)

In seemingly unrelated news, Jeff Bridges' web site gets rave reviews. And don't forget to check and see what Jeff Bridges is doing right now.

August 2, 2005

Abe and I have IMed about our mutual love of fine art, and today he said he was sending over a piece for my collection. I wasn't expecting it to be a rare sketch by Mr. Vigoda himself! He really knows how to please me.

Abe was 80 years old when he drew it, but he still has a steady hand and a firm line. When you get close, you can see that he presses down hard, and he can sustain this intensity for the entire duration of the piece. I know from my experience that Abe's energy level has not let up as he has advanced in years. He can complete a long session in the morning and, after a nap in the afternoon, he can easily repeat his performance that evening.

I hung the piece over my workstation and, when Todd saw it, he said coolly that he was surprised that Abe could still draw at all. When he went to warm up my coffee, he uncharacteristically dripped some on my shorts. Then he went out all day on errands.

August 1, 2005

The Great Tim Tam debate

When Mr. Vigoda and I had lunch the other day, he turned me on to something new: Tim Tams. Tim Tams are Australia’s favourite chocolate biscuit (this is an unconfirmed statement from The Tim Tam people). Just like we in The Colonies enjoy heated arguments about the correct way to eat an Oreo (which serve primarily to delay sane and reasonable discussions of foreign policy), Aussies also disagree as to how a Tim Tam should be eaten.

There is general agreement that one creates a straw-like implement from the Tim Tam biscuit, uses a sucking action to draw a hot beverage such as coffee, tea or cocoa through the Tim Tam, then quickly eats the beverage-saturated biscuit. So far, so good.

The controversy is over the technique for creating the straw from the Tim Tam. You see, some of us bite off opposite corners, while others nibble off the ends. The opposite corner technique, while easier and quicker, results in incomplete biscuit saturation in the opposing, unbitten corners (see photo). The nibbled ends technique, while more technically difficult, allows for complete biscuit saturation and hence a more satisfying overall Tim Tam experience.


note the coarseness of the OCT method

Why is this such a big deal, you ask? The latest polls show a 50%/47% division amongst Australians, with the nibbled ends technique being slightly preferred (the remaining 3% just dip their biscuit in as packaged like complete idiots). Nibbled Enders are calling for a Constitutional ammendment banning the opposite corners technique and defining it as unnatural and void of Godliness. As you can see, this issue is tearing the country apart! There have already been three Tim-Tam related deaths this year on the Australian continent. They usually begin as civil discussions in a pub or at a barbie which quickly get out of hand as fervent TimTammers take sides and go for their cricket bats.

What can you do to help? I have begun a letter-writing campaign to protect our Tim Tam freedoms, but I can't find my stamps (I thought they were in the top drawer of my desk, but no). So, please mail me as many stamps as you can spare to help in this time of crisis. Australia is counting on you, and so is that smaller country just southish of them.