July 30, 2005

Mr. Vigoda called early with an invite to join him for snooker and hoagies. Todd was against the plan (Never meet the artist, he said), but when Mr. Vigoda's driver arrived to pick me up, I could tell he was impressed.

Let me tell you, Abe is 84, but he looks 79. He is in great shape (works out three times a year) and is mentally all together. We chatted about Barney Miller for a bit, but what we both wanted to talk about was blogging - who do we have bloglined, whose site takes forever to load, who hates blinkies more, etc. The hoagies were good, but the conversation was better. We had so many of the same views re: blogging that soon we were giggling like schoolgirls!

I hated to go home, but Abe had to fly back to L.A., and I had promised Todd I would drive him to his procedure in the afternoon. We parted reluctantly and with promises to get together soon.

Abe thoughtfully messengered me a gift later that evening which fit perfectly and which will get much use at the gym.

July 29, 2005

After yesterday's post, we heard from the Vigoda camp, but, surprisingly, Mr. Vigoda is not looking to sue, as so many before him have. In fact, his executive assistant said that Mr. Vigoda is a blog supporter and donates generously to the many blog awareness organizations such as The Blog Council, The League of Bloggers and Blog Agenda. Best of all: He bloglined me yesterday.

Then, this morning, I received an email from Abe. Todd hovered nervously over my workstation as I read it. Mr. Vigoda said that throughout time, there have always been naysayers who wish to suppress new modes of expression that threaten the status quo. He said that when he was in the camps, those who survived were the ones who found ways to keep their inner voice alive, despite the efforts of the oppressors to squelch their individuality. He urged me to keep the spirit of freedom alive by posting often and without regard for established notions of quality or meaningfulness.

Abe's email had a few more comments of a personal nature, which were encouraging in other ways. It was just the injection of energy I sorely needed at this time. Unfortunately, Todd did not feel as inspired by Mr. Vigoda's supportive comments. He went out on some errands and has not returned.

July 28, 2005

Abe Vigoda, prolific actor

We already know that Abe Vigoda, Fish from TV's Barney Miller, has his own web site, where you can receive vital, up-to-the-minute info on his status. But did you know that there is a way to find out what Beau Bridges' brother is up to right now? Someone is on the job so you don't have to be.

This is particularly important to certain people here at the OPE offices.

July 27, 2005

I have good news and bad news. First, the good news. Todd won another contest on a local popular music radio station and received a brand new sports car! We were both very excited by this win, and we made plans to go on a trip next weekend in the sports car. After the trip, while Todd was visiting his grandma, I planned to sell the car to raise much-needed funds to ensure the survival of OPE. My plan seemed foolproof.

Then, this morning Todd mentioned how much fun he had had driving his new sports car yesterday. It didn't seem fair for one person to have a vehicle like that all to himself, so, after some debate, we agreed that I would take the car for a spin in exchange for certain special services.

In my defense, The Book of Expert Driving recommends that drivers not drive unfamiliar cars without first getting a feel for them. In my rush to return to OPE and my blogging duties, I hotdogged it a bit (not recommended). Certain factors were beyond my control: The roads were slick, it was not completely light out and the other cars were driving so slow. I pointed out to Todd that, barring any lawsuits, we are no worse off than we were two days ago, before he won a brand new sports car.


police photos of the accident scene

July 26, 2005

After my $0.00 payday on Saturday, I was lucky to get called in as a substitute paraprofessional (teacher's assistant) for a kindergarten class today. The teacher started the day by singing a morning song with the children and then asking them if they had anything to share from their weekend. One adorable little girl told the class about her new dog Ketchup. One of the boys told about his day at the water park. Though everyone was enjoying listening and asking questions, I felt duty-bound to say If we are going to complete that state-mandated two-and-a-half hours of Language Arts curriculum, hadn't we better get started? Then I began passing out the textbooks.

Everyone sat at a desk and the teacher read the prepared lesson. Then, while the children worked in their workbooks, I monitored them to make sure they weren't talking or looking around or thinking their own thoughts. There was some wiggling, and consequently only six children earned their recess.

After lunch, the teacher had planned to play a bowling game with the children that she said would teach them their math facts up to 10. Is that part of the state-mandated math curriculum? I asked, as I began passing out the textbooks and preparing my monitoring attitude. Our required one-hour of math time took us to the end of the day. There was just enough time for the teacher to hug the crying ones and send them all on their way. One little girl asked Are you coming back tomorrow? and when I said No, she handed me a note. She had spent her entire lunch break working on it just for me! One thing kids always notice about me is that I can really take a joke. I think you'll agree that this little girl has one heck of a sense of humor! This one is definitely going on my fridge with the others.


humorous letter from a student

July 25, 2005

Most of you know that we are desperate for money here at OPE to pay rent, purchase foodstuffs and obtain certain specialty items that Todd and I require. Though sales of my signed 8 X 10 glossies have been brisk, it seems that quitting my full-time job was not a wise financial decision. It was my mistake; my father mentioned that he had come into some money, but what he meant was that he had found a quarter.

So yesterday, when a woman in my Ass Acne Challenge Group mentioned that her husband needed a few day laborers, I "jumped" at the chance. It was road work, and I immediately asked to be the guy who holds the STOP/SLOW sign. I even had a novel picked out for the job. But the husband assigned me to the painting crew, and when I protested, he explained that I should do the job he fuckin told me to do and like it.

So that's what I did. I am not currently in a position to argue. But I believe his poor job-matching skills are the main reason my work suffered. Painting is hardly my forte. I believe I would have excelled in a foreman-type position, something in the supervising or overseeing field. So, out of my element and given an unfamiliar task, I made mistakes. Who wouldn't? Please note, however, that my letters are perfectly aligned and that there is no overspray, which is quite uncommon for a first-timer.

The day ended with a dispute over pay. I insisted on the full pay as promised, and the husband insisted that I get the fuck away from him or I would be very very sorry. In the end, he won out. As I was getting the fuck away from him, I saw something shiny on the ground. It was a quarter and, like my father before me, I picked it up. It could be an omen of great wealth to come or, more likely, fifteen minutes of dryer time.

July 23, 2005

Today I told a friend that I didn't like her online as much as I like her in real life. Have you ever had that happen? Offline, we always have fun together, but in her blog comments, I sometimes just don't like her.

What causes a relationship to go sour like that? Perhaps online we are not distracted by beauty or wealth or power, and we see people just as they are, and sometimes they aren't so great after all. Then the question becomes Do I still want to be her friend now that I've seen what she is like online? or, more devastatingly, Was she ever really the person I thought she was?

I still have a lot of friends in Blogdom that I enjoy, and I'm lucky that Todd doesn't go online at all, but just supports me in my forays into virtuality. He'll hold my cable, but he won't go in himself.

(In other news, today marks the six-month anniversary of my and my good friend Laura's blogs. I can't believe I used to go outside!)

July 22, 2005

With all this talk about Netiquette, I think it's about time we talked about RealWorldiquette. For example, when not online, I like to sit in a cafe like everybody else and just hang. So this morning, I was sipping a coffee and chatting with someone from my challenge group on my cell, and these two people at the next table were talking about this movie they saw, and whenever they talked about this one scene they would start laughing. It was kind of loud, and I couldn't hear what the person on my cell was saying. So I said to them Can you keep it down, I'm having a conversation!

I guess I was a bit sarcastic (again), because one of them took offense and wanted to argue about the uses of public space. I so couldn't care - I just wanted them to shut up. It's like when you're listening to a really great song on your iPod and people are making noise or helping someone who's hurt and you just want to listen to fucking Darius Rucker in peace. Is that so bad?

People, please, the cafe is for everyone. If you can't behave courteously and be quiet while I'm doing things, then you shouldn't there.

July 20, 2005

There were many FAXs and emails yesterday asking for details about OPE zine. I work on the zine here at the offices in my down time between posts. Usually, after a session of posting to OPE blog, Todd and I collapse breathlessly on the couch, then take several minutes to recuperate. After a while, Todd will rise and put on a pot of coffee, and I will get out my pen and paper and begin work.

Art is a solitary activity, and something that Todd isn't able to help with, to his great dismay. He sits in the technology center buffing the cables and possibly pouting (I don't look) while I pursue my true passion (this blog is just hack work).

Every few weeks or so, when I have completed a batch of pieces, I begin laying out the new issue. This involves much concentration and scotch tape. Todd flits about picking up little scraps of paper as they fall to the ground. The final printing and binding is done on the premises. Then, I envelope the zines and mail them in my neighborhood USPS drop box (yes, there is one left in the world).

Then Todd and I celebrate with a hot bath and a meal in a restaurant, for which he pays. It makes him very happy to spend two or three weeks' salary on el jefe and win my approval for a few brief moments. I always try to say something nice about the meal (the fries were good) because the way his face lights up is kinda pathetic.

July 19, 2005

I have not posted to the blog these last few days because I have been completing some offline work for Other People Exist zine. With 34 subscribers on two continents, the non-virtual version of OPE has about the same impact as the blog (that is, none), but you can line your birdcage with it. Of course, you can always print up a page of OPE blog if you really want to line a cage, but that seems like more work than it's worth.

The zine is available to view at both The Denver Zine Library and The San Francisco Public Library Little Maga/Zine Collection. Conveniently, jetBlue flies to both locations, and they just announced a fare sale this morning, so OPE zine is now within everyone's reach.

In other news, I fell over at my desk this morning and accidentally erased my outgoing answering machine message! The Attorneys For Just Ass Acne were, predictably, no help.

July 16, 2005

Because of the recent litigation, I haven't had the energy to focus on what matters in life, e.g. blogging, template research, blog awareness work, etc. I apologize. Todd is still busy as a beaver every day maintaining healthy cabling, polishing my monitor to a fine luster, making coffee and generally just being supportive. You can do it, he will whisper, as I sit dumbly in front of the screen. You have more great posts inside you, he said today. Your recent lackluster posts are not an indication of a general decline in your work or a dulling of your perceptions.

I find that when I am out of ideas, I get inspiration from your comments and posts. That's because bloggers are a community and not, as we hear so often in the press, a bunch of bored losers, 99% of whom have nothing interesting to say. We are not sad and pathetic, no matter what recent research indicates! We just want everyone to know every tiny thing we are thinking and doing, and we want them to tell us that they think it's interesting. What could be wrong with that?

Leave a comment if you agree.

July 14, 2005

Well, now that a certain person has completed his court-negotiated arbitration task, I discovered at the hearing today that I can no longer mention his name in my blog or the fact that we have met. Also, the court forbade me from selling any of the hairs I legally acquired or the bottle cap he removed with his very own hands. Further, I must destroy the plaster casts I made of the butt dent he left in the couch and cancel all my auctions on eBay. What does that leave me! I shrieked at the bailiff. To his credit, he remained calm, helped me back into my shirt and told the officers that they didn't need to cuff my hands and feet.

When I returned to the OPE offices, I discovered that my Ziplocked keepsakes were gone and the couch seemed different. With repeated sniffings, I determined that it had been replaced with an identical model, one without the butt print. Score one for Jeff's people.

July 13, 2005

Jeff visits the OPE offices

Per my agreement with The Attorneys for Ass Acne and Jeff Bridges, Mr. Bridges stopped by the OPE offices today to record my new outgoing answering machine message. The agreement stipulates that Mr. Bridges must put the same incredible energy and passion into the recording of my message that he pours into each of his motion picture performances. However, after hearing the finished product, I must say it is more Seabiscuit than Fabulous Baker Boys. But who am I to complain? (though I'm sure the presiding judge would be interested in any non-compliance issues vis-à-vis Mr. Bridges dedication to his arbitrated task)

Jeff saw my new couch and flopped down for a few minutes to shoot the shit. In real life, he is down-to-earth and friendly. (Also, those forearms are as luscious as they look). You got any beer? he asked, but I was lost in thought and didn't hear. So Jeff helped himself to the beer and a sandwich from Todd's fridge, and I vacuumed the couch for hair follicles, clothing fibers and other keepsakes. As I was sealing the items in their Ziploc bags, his driver returned and, laying his finger aside of his nose, Jeff said Gotta go, man. Just like that, he was out of my life, as was the sandwich and bottle of premium beer.

For those who are curious, here is my new message:
This is Multiple Academy Award® nominee Jeff Bridges, and I am required to say that you've reached Kurt. Leave a message after the beep, and check out my new movie Tideland, due out in theaters this summer.

July 11, 2005

From an article at contactmusic.com:


How cool would it be if you ordered an item from Amazon.com and a huge star came right to your door to personally deliver it (provided it wasn't Madonna)? That's just what's happening in honor of the mega-online shopping site's 10th anniversary.

Last week, JEFF BRIDGES made the first Amazon delivery to an unsuspecting customer in Santa Barbara, CA. The Oscar®-nominated actor brought one of his all-time fan-favorite films, 'The Big Lebowski,' to a surprised couple. He also hung around to take photographs, sign their DVD and let them run their fingers through his luscious hair. Yum! That night, when the couple made love, they were both thinking of Jeff.

In the next couple of days, some lucky fan will find NICK LACHEY at their door with a "Nick & Jessica: Newlyweds" DVD, although for obvious reasons, Amazon is offering a "No Nick" delivery option.

Even HARRISON FORD is getting into the act by delivering 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' to some stunned recipient (actual recipients' responses may vary).

Other stars, musicians and athletes lining up to make deliveries include MICHAEL J. FOX, TOM ARNOLD, MINNIE DRIVER, ROB SCHNEIDER and LUTHER VANDROSS (canceled).

July 9, 2005

WWJD? - What Would Jeff Do?

As you know, this church is on the route home from my ass acne challenge group. At first, I thought this sign was odd, but then a friend told me that Jeff Bridges is huge in the Ministerial community. It must be the hair.

July 8. 2005

As often happens, my blog has brought on the legal action. The Attorneys for Ass Acne and Jeff Bridges contacted me re: Wednesday's complimentary post. Mr. Bridges was amused, they said, but not that much. They strongly encouraged me to make adjustments to the post, and I told them to get stuffed.

After some negotiating with the vaguely menacing Talia, I agreed to post their edited version of the disputed passage and, in exchange, Mr. Bridges will tape a new outgoing message for my answering machine which humorously implies that we are acquaintances while still making it clear that we have never met/will never meet. I also agreed to return the tank tops.

Per the agreement:
"Mr. Bridges is a happily married man who enjoys non-gay sex with his wife exclusively, during which he does not think about the pool boy. He has many satisfying male/male friendships which fully meet his needs, and he is currently not looking to meet or hang with any of his many fans, no matter what their dreams told them. He desires a quiet private life without strangers befriending his pets or people posing as deliverypersons trying to gift him pies they baked. The Attorneys for Ass Acne and Jeff Bridges are prepared to take any necessary legal action to ensure Mr. Bridges' wishes are honored. Especially Talia."

July 6, 2005

Jeff

My dream has come true! No, not that one. The one about meeting American actor/phenom Jeff Bridges or, short of that, securing a personal item from his home/car/trailer/winter cabin.

It turns out that a friend of mine's cousin knows the ex-wife of Jeff Bridge's former pool cleaner! Can you get me his phone number? I asked, but it turns out that Jeff Bridges has one of those new Google phones. But I can get you one of his soiled tank tops for US$500 my friend said.

I'll take two! I said.

Just to clarify, my love for Jeff Bridges is not a gay thing. First of all, Mr. Bridges is a happily married man (although that doesn't necessarily mean anything). Secondly, I'm not attracted to men (besides Jeff). If we did meet, I'd just be looking for a regular guy/guy friendship, with maybe an occasional butt slap or some tickling.

I'm sure Jeff has plenty of male friends and isn't looking for some needy guy to hang out with and possibly hug, but Can we know that for sure? Maybe he's tired of all that football-watching and beer-drinking too, and he wants someone who likes going for walks and just talking and making a tent with the covers.

Call me, Jeff

July 4, 2005

Happy Fourth of July. As some of you know, our nation was born two hundred and something years ago today. I am proudish to live in America, and I believe that it has the best deal going anywhere, although I reserve the right to accept a better offer should one come along. No offense, America.

When German-Jewish immigrant Benjamin Franklin first arrived on the Mayflower, he envisioned a modern society where the people were free from oppression, a society with public libraries and fire departments, with a key on every kite string and a lightning rod on every very tall building. Little did he know that, hundreds of years later, most lightning rods would be gone and the nation's attention would be focused on a young woman named Paris Hilton and her instructive home videos.

The Democratic experiment that took place in American from 1787-1963 was largely successful, and polls show that the majority of US citizens would like to see it brought back. Unfortunately, the crypto-fascists in charge are unlikely to give up control of the nation anytime soon. So, while we bide our time and apply for our EU passports, we can still look to our history for inspiration.

I will leave you with an excerpt from the US treaty with the Islamic nation of Tripoli in 1797, which was negotiated under Washington, ratified by the Senate, and signed by President John Adams:

As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion -- as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of [Muslims] ... it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

Those founding fathers!

July 2, 2005

After the many hours of research I did for Thursday's post, I was disheartened to receive a comment from "blinkie." Clicking on the profile link for "blinkie," I found that he/she had a blog with one hastily written post that made me wonder: Did someone create an entire blog with the username "blinkie" just to post that comment?

Todd made some calls to my contacts at Blogger, and it turns out that, in just a few minutes, anyone can create a blog, get a username and began posting their filth all over Blogger. They don't even have to choose a template or write a post! It makes me physically ill and gassy just thinking about it. I'm beginning to wonder if The Attorneys for Ass Acne are even real!

Please, people, blogging was created so each of us could have a place to share what little we have to say with the world (and for Arlene to post pics of her children's poops). Those who would play games and make fun are not truly Blogolic and shall feel His wrath at the appropriate time and place. Just wait.