April 30, 2005

Don't Ever Love Me - I Don't Really Exist - 1954

We here at OPE pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers, no matter how strident they may be. We took EGIT's thoughtless comment of 4/29/05 to heart and, per his suggestion, today's post will focus on other people.

As a Master Googler, I discovered that there are many bloggers who believe that other people exist. For some, the existence of other people is something they take on faith. And some are aware of the terrible consequences of other people's existence, or, as karma puts it, sharing means I get less.

But the question is an important one philosophically. If other people exist independent from me, then my behavior can have consequences for others, which sucks. I must consider others when making choices for myself, knowing full well that many people have not developed this ability, which is totally not fair.

But if other people are merely sense data with no independent reality, then I am free to do whatever the hell I want. I can kill, rob and download music off the Internet without guilt. Notice that I do not say each of us is free to do what we want. This is because, according to this view, none of you exist. Just me.

So, sorry EGIT, this post (and the entire universe) ended up being all about me after all.

April 29, 2005

The Children's Blogging Institute of America

REASONS TO QUIT BLOGGING
1. To have more time to a)eat, b)breathe and c) find a different hobby to engage in obsessively
2. No more missing friends' weddings/funerals/bat mitzvahs
3. Can stop looking for photo ops everywhere I go (today's find: a California Shellfish delivery truck)
4. Doctor's orders

REASONS TO CONTINUE BLOGGING
1. The computer's already on
2. To see all the latest pics of the baby and the cat
3. To discover who Billy Jo is
4. To find out will it really make me crazy or does it just feel that way?

Your opinion is sought re:this matter

April 28, 2005

Though the blog awareness lessons are now illegal in this county, the courts have ruled that students can still freeblog, provided parents and caregivers who do not wish their children to participate can sign a waiver to opt out.

Yesterday's class was 80% waiver kids, so I was able to really focus my energy on just the four children. We got the snacks put away and the computers fired up, but almost immediately they started in with the inevitable whining that seems to accompany all my lessons of late. First How come they don't have to do it? then No fair! and finally My mom says you're crazy!

This time I was prepared with a new strategy that I developed over the weekend. In my loudest voice, I screeched Stop your whining, you big babies! This did not produce the desired results.

I had to call up the fifth grade teacher to send some of the older sisters of the non-waiverers just to get a handle on the crying. Thankfully, their comforting words and promises that We won't let him hurt you again did the trick. As you can see, after just a few hours, they were playing happily again, so everything came out alright in the end (and the world is just a little more blogiful today).

April 26, 2005

Well, I got into a little hot water yesterday because I chose to share BloggerX's inspiring story. We were both unprepared for the reader response. Apparently, other people not only exist, but they sure are gossipy.

Your congratulatory cards, letters and FedEx parcels are still arriving (and are sort of blocking the back door AKA Todd's entrance). We want to assure you that BloggerX is well aware how fortunate he is to have so many friends and supporters on the Internet1&2.

For our part, we are happy just to be gathering evidence of the existence of other people. We know their existence is difficult to prove, but we think it is worth the effort, especially when they are cute.

If BloggerX feels like sharing again, you of course will be the first to receive the details, after his roommate Carter. And Carter's girlfriend, since she is always over there.

BloggerX also encourages you to explore 3 dimensional space and make your own contact with others. Forget for now the question of whether they really exist or are just a construct of your own mind, and enjoy.

April 25, 2005

One Day I'll Be a Star (Installation) 2002 - L G Williams

OFFBLOG INTERACTION RECONSIDERED
New data has been made available to OPE staffers regarding this issue. A blogger (hereafter referred to as BloggerX) made first contact with a commenter whom he had known blogsclusively for several months. The interaction took place at her house. He offered the following observations:

1. An initial nervousness on the part of both parties upon first meeting led BloggerX to conclude (perhaps prematurely) that he most certainly preferred onblog interactions exclusively, and, further, what was he thinking?!
2. The situation seemed to improve with beer.
3. The passage of time, along with continued face time with the commenter, also helped alleviate BloggerX's feelings of panic and his desire to retreat to his home technology center. The commenter's lovely smile was also a factor. Plus she smelled good. Indeed, at some point, Blogger X admits that he forgot all about blogging!
4. Further, BloggerX noted that the next day, when he was once again onblog, he found it, in comparison, kinda boring.

In summary, BloggerX felt he could recommend an offblog lifestyle to those curious about its possibilities, but he cautioned that it might not be for everybody.

Epilogue: BloggerX and the commenter arranged an additional offblog interaction (known to 3Ders as a second date)

April 22, 2005

Offblog Interactions - Good or Evil?
The author has recently been in communication with the author of another blog who shall remain nameless, and they have arranged to meet offblog. This raises some interesting philosophical issues which we will explore today.

Many people enjoy the anonymity of blogging, treating their blog like the diaries of old. It is their sanctuary from offline relationships, a place where they can diss lifemates, friends, that annoying toddler and, if they wish, the Pope. If one then has an offblog interaction with a reader, the privacy of the blog has been compromised, just as when an offline friend discovers your blog.

One suggestion in these cases is for the blogger to start another blog unbeknownst to the reader-cum-friend. But immediately we see that doing so would make the primary blog (hereafter referred to as Blog1) de facto defunct, as the blogger could no longer share truly private thoughts there. Readers of Blog1 would be left stranded, and Blog1's story arc would be unresolved.

In addition, the reader-cum-friend would no longer have access, through Blog1, to the blogger's most private thoughts, feelings and desires, and would have to rely solely on real world transactions to relate to the blogger (which, as we all know, have failed miserably at the task in many millions of cases.)

This leads us to the question Can one ever transition from the perfection of a blog-based relationship to a real world one, with all its misunderstandings, hurt feelings and yelling? Or, the larger question Is there any such thing as a satisfying offblog relationship of any kind?

As this author's life has become more blog-based, he has begun to lose faith in the ability of 3D-style relationships to meet his needs. If the business community can successfully complete transactions using video conferencing (wherein the participants do not "meet") then purely electronic relationships of all types are possible and should be pursued (except in the EU, where they have already been banned).

The best part of this type of relationship: if things don't work out, simply hit the delete mate button.

April 21, 2005

BLOG OUTREACH PROGRAM CONTINUES
We puppeted our show again today for a local elementary school, but, unfortunately, there was an unappreciative group of second graders who thought catcalls and puppet-grabbing were appropriate audience behavior. FYI: they are not.


I asked that the students be reprimanded, but the teacher said by me and what army? and began quietly weeping. As my readers know, discipline is my specialty, so I ordered heads down for the rest of the day. We all know children especially love compliance, and it is coincidentally my favorite also!

So we took lemons and made lemonade!

April 20, 2005

Per a reader's request, today we are posting pics of the OPE headquarters (which also double as the author's apartment). Pictured here, you can see the combination living room/master suite/library (and, since there's no one to stop us, dining room). You will note that the sofa folds out neatly into a comfortable bed (linens stored beneath) where the author sleeps alone, since OPE is his only mistress. This is also where woo would theoretically be pitched should it become necessary (it has not). Unbelievably, the entire editorial staff can meet in this one room, as long as they sit criss cross applesauce.

Here we have the OPE technology center. In order to post to Blogger, we must first disengage from the Internet2, a lengthy process wherein Todd must hold the cables or they get all tangly. We use Microsoft/Halliburton's Windows 2007 platform, which you will all hear more about later. The author usually gets his post ideas in the morning, and the editorial staff are there to encourage him with comments such as Run with it! and I smell Pulitzer! and Can I warm up your coffee?.

Here we see the single spacious closet that contains the author's mostly Ross-based wardrobe, as well as six file boxes containing every letter the author has ever received, every piece of schoolwork, every front page headline concerning a certain family member, etc. etc. An evening spent on the floor of the closet rummaging through these boxes usually involves beer. The bathroom is in the background and, though small, serves the entire staff adequately (Todd uses the Porta-Potty).

I think we all recognize a kitchen when we see one. After the offices close for the day, the first thing the author does, after removing his pants, is pour himself a jelly jar full of wine and cook a simple dinner. Then he watches one of his Joan of Arcadia videos, unless it's Friday, in which case he watches Joan of Arcadia.

We hope this little tour has helped you to understand more about how our operation works and why it cannot go on much longer. Peace out.

April 19, 2005

Well, white smoke is coming from my chimney, which can only mean one thing: I have selected a new pope. I FAXed my decision this morning to Tammy, the Vatican secretary, and she emailed back:

Thanks for forwarding your decision re: the new pope. I will inform the cardinals of your choice when they return from the sauna. (Oh and thanks for the Boston CD - I didn't know the first two albums were available on one disc!)

As you know, one hour ago white smoke rose from the chimney of the Vatican, indicating that the cardinals have received my FAX.

A little back story: I actually got Tammy her secretaryship. I knew her from the dorms, and she asked me to put in a word for her, so I talked her up to JPII at the 1991 Lollapalooza. Incubus was playing, and I was pitching Tammy to JP, and he turned to me and said okay, whatever, she's in - now be quiet, I love this song.

April 17, 2005

I read this inspirational testimonial on the Internet1 today.

HOW GOOGLE SAVED MY MARRIAGE
My husband and I had been married for three years when we hit a rough patch. We began to argue and disagree on everything. He didn't like the way I arranged the CDs, and I hated how he left the dishes out to air dry. We were always on each other's nerves. I swear, if I'd owned a gun, I would have blown his brains out when he was sleeping and gladly done the same to myself. We've all been there.

Then, one day, my husband Googled "marriage argument resolution" and got several articles with suggestions for how to solve just these kinds of disagreements without pushing or hair-pulling! We read them over dinner and applied some of the ideas to our life. We decided that, in future, the kitchen runs by my rules and the living room by his. No more argument. He gets to organize the CDs however the fuck he wants, but he has to dry and put away the dishes when he washes them, or else.

I haven't felt the desire to kill him in days! Thank you, Google. We're your bitches now!

April 15, 2005

The blog awareness lessons have grown stale (and are now illegal in this county), so my partners and I developed a new puppet performance that we debuted today at a local school. Based on the Native American oral stories of Old-Man Coyote (a vulgar but sacred Trickster among the Crow tribes) our puppet show is called Coyote and the Blog.

The story: Coyote gets a blog and then spends way too much time posting, commenting and editing his pics in Photoshop. He begins ignoring his friends Rabbit and Mole. They become annoying to Coyote because, unlike his Internet friends, they have needs and desires, and they expect him to show up for stuff that he supposedly said he'd show up for.

Then, one day in the cornfield, Rabbit and Mole are teasing Coyote about his template, and about the amount of time he spends onblog, and Coyote realizes that R and M are toxic friends and that they are sucking way too much energy away from his blog. He knows he must move on.

In Act III, Rabbit and Mole finally get blogs and understand their strange power. Though Coyote has severed the friendship, he secretly visits their blogs to check in on what they're doing. He enjoys their posts much more than the real Rabbit and Mole. The End.

The audience reaction was mixed, mostly because we ran long and they missed part of recess. Also, my puppeting skills were rusty. It can only get better, though, and I predict that next time, there will be more clapping and less bottle-throwing.

April 14, 2005

Today's blog awareness lesson did not go well at all. I fired up the classroom computer and was showing them some of the finer points of my blog when they all began crowding around the monitor. Then they started in with the complaining: I can't see and stop pushing and not another lame post about the pope!

So it was heads down for everyone for twenty minutes while I worked on a crossword. But no sooner had we gotten back onblog than one of them remarked you call that a gravatar? I said some things that are not blogworthy and stormed off in a huff.

Later, I found out that you are not supposed to leave first graders alone for an hour. Who knew? Apparently, the folks at 911.

April 13, 2005

In an effort to transition to a more offline lifestyle, I am using today's blog to advertise what I have to offer a potential lifemate. Note: for this life partnership, I am looking only for females or Mr. Jeff Bridges.

WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER:
1. I am in reasonably good health; I exercise twice weekly, and I've averaged only one major surgery per year the past three years (this year's surgery: sinuses)
2. I am not prone to depression or mania. I am remarkably even-keeled, usually simmering at low complain much of the time.
3. All of my junk still works, and I have a history of impregnating everyone I am with, so if it's a baby you're after, I'm your man.
4. I will reveal my age only to the lucky lifemate. For now, I'm going with he looks thirty!

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR:
1. Because of my tendency to smother and make both me and my lifemate miserable, I would probably do best with someone whose work takes them away much of the time, e.g., UN translators, CEOs of large companies, flight attendants, someone who is in and out of rehab, etc.
2. In the child dept., I want two children, 1.5 years apart. Since boys are gross, I would prefer two girls or a girl & a boy, that way the boy will have someone to love him. I am also open to adoption or foster children; I'd prefer to get a child at about three years old and return them at twelve.

CAVEATS AND WARNINGS:
1. I hate driving. However, I love being a passenger and offering helpful tips to any driving lifemate.
2. I can offer no grandma for the children. A grandpa is available, but you have to travel to him and speak over the TV. There are two aunts of acceptable quality and an uncle who sometimes reads this blog and is a wonderful, wonderful man. There are also some second cousins who occasionally batch-email humorous anecdotes.
3. There is no history of insanity in our family, but there is a history of getting hit by trains in large groups and dropping dead of coronaries at 49.
4. I have to get up in the night to pee. Sorry if I wake you.

FULL DISCLOSURE CLAUSE:
1. Ethnicity. On the one side, we have the arrogant Rhodes/Murphy clans, who trace their lineage back to the Mayflower but who are now just batch emailers, and on the other side, we have a mixture of Slavs, Poles and Bohemians who somehow obtained passage to America, got jobs and started wearing shirts just like everyone else. You can imagine how the two sides got along.
2. I have what The Attorneys for Ass Acne call "one of the most treatable ailments known to man," about which I am not at liberty to say more.

Please feel free to forward this post to any single women you feel are my match. I will keep everyone posted re: how things are going with any ladies I meet, and what I do to fuck it up.

April 12, 2005

It feels good to be back in the chair working on a new post. The court battles should rage on for years, assuring that I can say anything here and be served coffee while doing it. I'm planning a little offblog party for when all of management's appeals have been exhausted. BYOB.

It has come to my attention that certain blogs exist to encourage bloggers to take a break, with post topics such as Getting a life, Giving up (one's) linkblog and Taking a mental health day. This seems pointless, as most bloggers already discuss these issues endlessly in standard blogs. In fact, next to posts about What the baby did today, posts concerning Am I blogging too much? are more common than iced tea on a hot summer day.

I am already well aware of what I could do instead of blogging:
1. Go outside (I know what you're thinking, but it's all bright and sunny!)
2. Learn to make things with my hands, e.g. attend a banjo-making workshop with some fine banjo-loving folks.
3. Make offline friends, then introduce them to blogging.
4. Meet a woman, get married and have children (No, really.)

Yes, we should all get real lives, but what are the chances of that happening? If we weren't blogging, we'd be watching soap operas (if you do both, then hats off!) or off-track betting. Personally, I plan to quit any day. You can help by stopping coming here. Why are you encouraging me!? Don't you want me to be happy?

April 11, 2005

We have goodish news! Due to a court order, we are required to say that we are pleased to announce the return of the author. Just when things looked darkest, help came in the form of The Attorneys for Ass Acne. Apparently, you can't just fire people in this country (yet), especially for an unjust cause like the fact that they are stricken with a particular ailment which we are forbidden to mention herein.

After the announcement, Todd was disappointed, but he readily reverted to the kind of toadying and lackeyism that we've so enjoyed here at the office. Can I warm up anyone's coffee he said, grabbing the pot.

Dear readers, please know that your comments were in part responsible for the author's return. Your prayers and death threats have been heard. Though the editors of OPE do not care what you think, we do fear your fanaticism and legal prowess. Let us be the first to say Welcome back, previous author!

April 10, 2005

After several lengthy meetings here at the OPE offices, we decided this morning to let the author go. This action was not due to yesterday's whiny post. Let's just say it was a long time coming. Below, we have enumerated some of our reasons:

1. There were many missing lunch items from the office fridge including Mr. Pibb, Diet Mr. Pibb and the new Pibb Xtra. All signs pointed to the author.
2. Our investigations determined that the author fabricated many of the facts in his posts. At the time when he was allegedly at The Vatican, we discovered that he was home alone eating a one pound box of See's candy and crying.
3. The author couldn't stop prefacing everything he said with the phrase "two words," e.g. Two words: I did not take the fucking Mr. Pibb!
4. He did smell like a toilet

We should add that the author appeared happy to go. He quickly cleared his desk of his personal items, placing them in a file box just like in the movies. Then, holding a potted plant under one arm, he said You realize I've been working for free, right?

Yes, we realize it, smartass. We have already found your replacement, a young up-and-coming writer fresh out of college who you may remember as Todd, the office boy who corrected your spelling mistakes. He will be using the name "Kurt" just as you did, but he has promised to minimize the number of references to ass acne.

April 9, 2005

We here at OPE would like to correct an impression some of our readers have gotten that the author is a nice person or kinda cute or someone you'd want to get to know. We assure you, nothing could be further from the truth!

Firstly, the photos herein neglect to show his hideous wolf teeth, furry legs or chronic ass acne. But going beyond mere looks, by all accounts the author has what is called an objectionable personality. This isn't just the self-loathing talking; there is much objective data to support these claims. Here are some source materials:

1. an anonymous mannerless first grade student: You smell like a toilet!
2. an anonymous mannerless second grade student: You need braces!
3. the author's "father": Everything you touch turns to shit!
4. an ex-girlfriend: That was the best sex I've ever had! Okay, Kurt, you're up next!

Offblog, the author can't stand people, particularly salespeople, especially the ones at Radio Shack. Not surprisingly, he often acts all huffy. In conversation, he mostly complains about how everyone sucks, particularly that guy with the cell phone. He has never found anyone who shares his interests because they are obscure and boring (Catholic authors and Old Time gut string banjos). Does this sound like someone you'd want to get to know? Especially given the ass acne?

In summary, enjoy the blog, but trust us: steer clear of the author.

April 7, 2005

I overheard some more Cardinal chatter today. Over hoagies, one of them said explain again about the co-Popes.

So one of the rogue Cardinals said, roughly, The main disadvantage with a lone Pope is that he can only be in one place at one time. Co-Popes could make twice as many papal visits, deepening faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Also, we get 10% off a second Popemobile.

Another rogue added I was initially attracted to the co-Pope concept because of the built-in protections. If, God forbid, we should lose another Pope, the power would transition immediately, without the 15-20 days of down time.

A nearby Cardinal with a BLT had overheard, and he suddenly swung around in his seat and said Hey - great way to mourn!.

The rogues threw up their hands, and one said We're just talking here!

All in all, an unpleasant day in The Holy See.

April 6, 2005

Today we are going to break the fourth wall and go behind the mask and meet the author. What is he really like? Where does he live? Just how bad is that odor?

First, let me start by saying that the author of these posts is not the narrator ("Kurt"), although he does draw on his personal history in his writing. Example: he did once live at his sister's house rent-free until he was asked to leave, but his sister has no children and no rumpus room and he scarily forgot the entire incident until just now, so leave it alone, will ya?

The author does not know the Pope or Paris Hilton. Nor do they appear to know each other. He has been to the Vatican, though, where he was picked up by an older Italian gentleman who offered him 100,000 lira ($95 US) for sex during which, he was promised, he "wouldn't have to do anything." The author is so cheap that when he heard $95, he had to think about it for a moment before saying no.

He has been a firefighter, a purser on a cruise ship and a waiter. For money, he has built wheelchair ramps, fixed cars and tutored children. He has never killed. He taught elementary school for fourteen years, but is now largely unemployed, hence the infrequent bathing. In the latest issue of his alumni magazine, he read that the average annual salary for grads from his era is $107,135. This means that someone is earning $214,270 to make up for his $0.

He is now a full-time blogger, until the day he hits the delete blog button.

April 5, 2005

Cardinals are arriving from everywhere for the conclave, and they are a gossipy lot. I got a chance to overhear some of them discussing the next pope as I was dropping off their sandwich order. The talk was heated.

I didn't hear anything definitive (plus my Latin is rustier than most), but when I was called back because Cardinal Godfried Danneels's sub had too much mayo, I caught this shocker: some rogue Cardinals are going to float the idea of co-Popes, since few of the candidates are what you'd call hale and hearty. This would be the first shared papacy, and it is still unclear who would get the parking space. I lingered to hear more, but ultimately I had to leave the room when one of the Cardinals, a main papal candidate, screeched We can pour our own coke, loser!

Please keep this on the QT, as the Vatican and the Cardinals have been cleared of bugs and wires, leaving me as the most obvious source of the leak. Fortunately, only one Cardinal has a blog, and it is strictly for fetishists.

ps: For all the mommy bloggers out there who crack me up every day, I offer this for your enjoyment.

April 4, 2005

It's Day 2 of the novemdieles and already I'm fried. I know a nine day period of mourning is required, but black is not my best color. The Pope knew I am a summer, and I know he'd want me to mourn him and look my best.

As for the papabili, I believe the new Supreme Pontiff should be a strong leader and have a clean record. It isn't enough for a candidate's charges to have been dismissed; if he's been Mirandaed and booked, then I don't think he's papal material.

When you cast your vote, remember that the papacy isn't just for four years. If your president is not Grade A material, you can thank the framers of the Constitution for their wisdom and foresight. But when you pick a crappy Pope, he's in for good. Think about that on election day.

April 3, 2005

Thank you to everyone who left comments in support of this blog and/or who purchased our stock at its recent 52-week low. Ignoring the spelling and grammatical errors, your comments were relatively touching and have helped me during this crisis.

Lisa wrote today that she has "only (her) blog to blame" for the recent decrease in her quality of life. When I read that, I first thought that's so me!, but then I realized I don't have a life so blogging can't be the problem. Just the opposite. While my commenters are not my only friends, they are surely my best friends, and blogging is often the only social interaction I have during my day, unless I "accidentally" run into my mailman (his name is Ron and he has three kids - 13, 11 and 9).

In my blog, I am honest and faithful, not a lying bastard. In my blog, I am funny and handsome (thanks to Greg from LOOK MODEL AGENCY). Offline, I am just that weird guy with the odor. Call it an obsession, call it a compulsion, but blogging is where I am truly me, whoever that is.

Today also marks the return of Fuzzworks, demonstrating the truism blogito ergo sum.

April 1, 2005

With the collapse of the Pringles negotiations, Other People Exist LLC and OPE Blog, A Holding Company have reached a crisis point. Our operating costs (writer's stipend plus Cool Ranch Dorito bill) have risen, while our income has remained steady at $0 US per annum. With the pelt money dwindling, we realize that we cannot continue to survive as currently structured.

We have several choices, none savory. The most obvious is to eliminate the writer's stipend and Dorito benefits and invite him to continue on a purely volunteer basis. Another option would be to obtain more beaver-friendly corporate sponsorship.

The final option would be to close our doors forever. Since the doors are only symbolic, the process would be brief. Frankly, this final option has some attractions. Bloggers are a fickle audience and each time one leaves our comment area for good, we feel a certain loss. We all bitterly recall the departure of Sir Nikolas from these pages. For many of us here at the office, blogging has brought up all our issues e.g. nobody loves me, why am I still single? and God - I'm hideous!

A total shutdown here at the facility would almost be welcome. It would certainly free up the phone line.