March 31, 2009

UPDATED!

To Whom It May Concern,
We recently visited Portugal for eight days. We had a wonderful time in Lisbon and Xxxxx. The country is xxxxxxxx, and the people are xxxxx xxxxxxxx.

In Lisbon, we discovered that there are many pickpockets stealing from clueless tourists on the #15 tram to Xxxxxx. In our tram car, they tried to steal my [traveling companion]'s wallet (as if!), and a woman in the next tram car told us they tried to steal hers. It seems they wait in the crowd, pretending to be pregnant, and when everyone is pushing to get on, they reach into the shoulder bags of those tourists who are dumb enough to carry a shoulder bag, and steal their belongings.

We reported it to the hotel, and asked them to notify the police, and they very politely did not laugh at us. They told us the police already know all about it. They also said that when the police catch the pickpockets, they let them go the following day, presumably to take their prenatal vitamins.

Lisbon is a very safe city, so we were surprised to hear that the police are about as effective as our police. I am notifying your office in the hope that there is something you can do about this problem.

Thank you,

Kurt Xxxxxxxx



----------------------------------

a "response":
Dear Sir,

I acknowledge the reception of your e-mail dated March 31, 2008, that has received careful consideration.

Yours faithfully
Fernando Xxxxx Xxxxxx
(Administrative Adviser)

March 30, 2009

From the Internet (edited by Kurt):

As many of you know, I grew up in the country, which explains both my cowboy boots and my choice in music. I was a swimmer before I became a triathlete. People tell me that I talk like a white girl.

I’m a lover of big bags. My skin is the color of the underbelly of a fish. I’ve got the ballots from the Afghan election. I come and go at rather odd hours and strange times. I am very proud to be a licensed plumber.

I’m not the kind of Chairperson to give a traditional Chairperson report. When people tell me that religious stuff, I ask them if they were aware Jesus may have been bi-polar. Black people tell me that he passes the "black" test.

I’m a twitterholic. When I tweet out this blog post - it’ll be my 2327th tweet. I had to send in my Xbox 360 Elite for repair...for the frickin' second time this year.

I don't care what the Internet thinks. I will be leaving Austria before the end of the year. I have to preface my remarks by stating that my views here today do not necessarily reflect the views of the Commission.

March 29, 2009

Our sitecounter stats reveal that OPE readership is up! The trip to Portugal worked. We were doubtful, but we made the trip anyway, and it paid off.

For those who are unable to make the trip to Portugal, other proven ways to increase readership include: improving post quality, participating in other blogs, and giving a crap.

March 27, 2009

This past weekend, we received a visit from three members of a popular restorationist, millenarian Christian religious movement that shall remain unnamed. They rang our bell, and we did the usual hide-and-be-quiet thing. Convention dictates that, after waiting a reasonable amount of time, these people are supposed to move on, perhaps wondering where we might have gone for the day. But this trio did something unprecedented; they rang the bell a second time.

I thought the members of this Adventist sect and normal people had worked out a deal: if we wish to hear your crazy crap, we will answer the door; if not, we will hide in our home, motionless and silent, until you politely leave. It's an arrangement that has worked for decades, at least since I was a little boy and my sister would hiss Everyone quiet! - it's the [restorationist, millenarian Christian religious movement]!

The shocking second ring seemed to be suggesting that, despite the fact that we did not respond to the first ring, we might still be home. This is not an area where you wish to go, restorationist, millenarian Christian religious movement, because, truth be told, most everyone is home. We're just crouched down under the window waiting for you to leave. And our knees are aching.

Don't ring twice. It's not cool.

March 26, 2009

Today's blog theme is death. I don't know who picked the theme, but I don't like to make waves. I am someone who just goes along with the crowd, and when the crowd says to post about death, I post about death.

I have not died yet, but I expect to in the future. A FOF tells me they are on the verge of identifying the genes that cause aging, and that we will be the last generation to die before they discover immortality. It's unfortunate for us, but on the plus side, we'll never have to see Con Air again.

I close with the chorus from the Ralph Bicknell song "I Ain't Got No Use for Sleep":

I ain't got no use for sleep
I hate to feel it over me creep
I never want to go to bed 'cause
when I die, I'll be a long time dead
and then I know I will slumber peacefully
Get all the sleep that's a-comin' to me
When I'm drowsy I could weep 'cause
I ain't got no use for sleep

March 25, 2009

First Robot Teacher Makes Debut at Japanese School
First mechanical robot, anyway

Pupils in Japan have been given lessons by the world's first robot teacher.

Created by scientists after 15 years of stalling, the humanoid named Saya can do roll call, set tasks from text books, and inspire students to be more robot-like.

Her creator, Professor Hiroshi Kobayashi, had been working on a robot to keep him company at night. He deemed Saya "not smart enough," and she was repurposed as a classroom teacher.

She has a latex face that can express just six emotions. Her stony expression and limited responses make her ideal for classroom teaching.

Despite all the technological advances, there are still those who do not feel very comfortable with this rapid progress.

"We can't replace teachers with robots," said self-styled education advocate Tina Reffet. "Then what will teachers do all day?"

Saya is just one example of Japan's determination to make school even more boring.


"Some children even start crying when they are scolded."

March 23, 2009

From a birthday evite I created for someone's 40th birthday (name has been changed):

Ermengarde's 40th Birthday Dinner
(Ermengarde is not responsible for how old this makes you feel)
Hosted by comedian/television personality Jon Stew@rt (if unavailable, then Kurt)
Saturday, Xxxxx XX, 2009 (7:00 PM) at TBA

Ermengarde is turning 40 years old, but she is not slowing down one bit. We are going to party hard on Saturday, Xxxxx XXth, from 7:00 PM until she dozes off (approx. 10:00 PM). Please RSVP so we know the number for our dinner reservation.


(Not Ermengarde)

March 19, 2009

Reader Julia asked What was the best part of your trip? to which I snapped No best part. But I'd like to take that back. If by best part, our reader means a moment when I felt most alive, that would have to be the moment, on the #15 tram, just after we were pickpocketed.

I of course wear a neck wallet at all times when traveling so I can relax while my assigned pickpocket fondles me all over. But my traveling companion's neck wallet was in a shoulder bag, where the pickpocket found and removed it. What the pickpocket did not know was that my traveling companion, after years of listening to all my crap, had picked up one or two things (while discarding or ignoring much of the rest). My TC had foresightedly clipped the neck wallet's strap to a secret clippy clip in the shoulder bag such that after the pickpocket had removed the neck wallet and put approximately one foot between herself and her mark, the strap reached its full length and engaged the clippy clip. Très embarrassant!

Thankfully, I had no idea what was taking place, or I might have done something rash, such as screech Pickpocket! and tackle the offender, whose pregnancy may or may not have been real (I suspect not). My TC meanwhile gave the strap a yank and retrieved the wallet. Once I realized what had happened (Huh? What?), I was overjoyed by 1. the nonloss of my TC's money, ATM card, and passport, and 2. the thought of the contrast between the probably-unpregnant pickpocket's first emotion, when she believed she had secured the mark's wallet, and the second, a moment later, when the neck wallet strap engaged the blessed clippy clip.

I don't want to give the impression that Portugal is unsafe. I have no doubt that the most deserted street in Lisbon on the darkest night is safer than my back yard. Who among us could resist a tram full of tourists with their money-stuffed wallets? Not I. And not a fake pregnant lady.


Pickpocket, Saturday market, Vilafranca, Spain (closest I could find).

March 18, 2009

I have returned from Portugal as scheduled. I am back in the city where I live, doing whatever it is I did before. Whether my trip to Portugal will help the blog remains to be seen. It certainly didn't hurt me any. The latest reports indicate that our readership is on par with pre-trip levels. Other bloggers who have made the journey report that their readership did not immediately increase, but grew steadily in the weeks following their return, so we are hoping for an upsurge late in the month.

On a personalish note, I urge each and every one of you to purchase an airline ticket for international travel as soon as possible, as airlines are cutting prices due to the impending collapse of the world economy. I suggest you select as your destination a European country (there are many), as the euro has dropped in recent months, but any country in the world will do.

Remember, one day you will be dead, and the number of trips you can take will drop dramatically. Go now.

(click to enlarge)

March 17, 2009

(click to enlarge)

March whatever, 2009

A postcard to a relative:

In the midst of our vibrant, fascinating lives, we sometimes remember those less fortunate than us and send them a postcard. It's our way of saying "You sort of matter." We picked you up a bottle of their finest port, but then we drank it. We feel certain you would have loved it. Until then,

Kurt

March 6, 2009

As you know, I must go to Portugal. Some readers are under the impression that this trip will be pleasurable. Although I am sure much pleasure will be had (much pleasure), I want to assure you that it is incidental to the purposes of this trip.

Of course there will be fun-making, and possibly some late-night dancing/pant removal, but our focus will always and ever be on the issues that face this blog. Even as we are sipping port and listening to fado, we will be considering ways we can improve this blog (a different font? fewer insults?).

Meanwhile, during our absence, it is hoped that readers will grow to miss our posts and possibly weep disconsolately. That would be great. Maybe our return will usher in a new era of appreciation for all we do. Moderately-priced gifts might even be appropriate.


The mandatory destination

March 5, 2009

OPE readership has been down lately, despite the minutes of hard work we put into every post. We discussed it as a team, and everyone agreed that it would be best if I went to Portugal.

These are hard times, and they call for hard choices. I know going to Portugal will not solve all our problems, but I believe it will go a long way toward improving our current situation. Other bloggers have gone to Portugal and seen vast improvements. Of course, I am not expecting miracles from Portugal (except possibly in Fatima). But doing nothing is not a viable option.

Why now? Why not Spain? you may ask. These are questions that have no answer, or, more precisely, their answer lies in Portugal. That is why we must go. Also, to try Vinho Verde.


It must be done

March 4, 2009

Issue #23 of OPE zine (yes, that) has entered the mail stream. Subscribers can expect their copy in 1 to 5 days. Non-subscribers are lame.

I worked until late in the afternoon to finish, despite tongue cramps and a tired stapling arm. Normally, Todd performs any tedious or mindless tasks, (also those involving high voltages and/or intense heat), but yesterday's encouraging comments inspired him to further refine his balloon art. He is currently working on his zucchini.

March 3, 2009

The response to yesterday's post re: OPE zine proves that people hate when I write about OPE zine. Still, the fact remains that I am working hard today to finish the [hated subject].

Time is limited, but Todd asked if I would post something for him. He has been working hard on his balloon art and wanted to share his latest work with OPE readers. Please enjoy:

(click to enlarge)

March 2, 2009

I am putting the finishing touches on issue #23 of OPE zine. It should enter the mail stream by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest.

It's hard to believe that I have produced 23 issues of the zine, and that I included as little shameless filler as I did. The temptation to pad is overwhelming, since most readers aren't perceptive enough to notice differences in quality, but something inside me urges me to keep working until each issue shines. I picture the one or two readers who read all the way through to the end of each piece and who notice the excellence. They appreciate the effort.

There is still time to order your copy of issue #23. Do you have an envelope? Are you capable of stuffing it with money (specifically, $4)? Then you too can have a copy of OPE zine delivered to your door via USPS First Class Mail!