January 30, 2009

Today I will tell you all I know about the Super Bowl.

The last time I watched professional football, I was in the Boy Scouts, and the players had names like Biletnikoff, Casper, and Stabler. So I am not up on the composition of the latest teams or their names or what cities they are located in.

I believe the Super Bowl is played in The Super Bowl Stadium, probably located in Florida. I don't know the name of either team participating in the competition this year, but I can tell you that a lot of people are rooting for one or the other (but not both), and some enjoy arguing over which players are the best at their respective positions.

Many people enjoy the advertisements as much as the game itself. Last year there was a humorous ad with a hitchhiking ax murderer. It almost made it worth the hour I spent TIVOing through the entire game.

For those watching the game, I wish you and yours all the drunken idiocy the day has to offer.

January 29, 2009

Readers have emailed requesting more stories from fire crew. Or I'm just saying they did. Either way, I aim to please.

Once, our crew was hiking up a steep hill to the fire road, and at the top, I saw our crew leader chatting with the CLO (Crew Liaison Officer). The CLO was our boss's boss, and depending on how he liked the crew, he could keep us on longer (more money) or let us go.

As we crested the hill where the CLO and crew leader stood, I clapped the grunt next to me on the shoulder and said, as though completing a thought, "and that's how I plan to be a better firefighter." Cue laughter from all parties.

This is just the sort of corny joke that dudes like. It's important to know your audience. What's funny to a firefighter might not be funny to your urologist, or, as I learned as a teacher, your principal. It turns out that nothing is funny to your principal.

January 28, 2009

Readers may recall that many years ago, in my youth, I worked on a US Forest Service fire crew. This was back when I thought I could stand people. Today I offer a humorous story from those days, since I don't do anything anymore that could constitute a story.

Each member of the crew has a job on the fire line; I was a grunt, which meant I helped cut the fire line with hand tools. I preferred the shovel, which I referred to as the gentleman's tool. The sawyers ran the chainsaws at the head of the line, while us grunts followed.

Each sawyer had an assistant who hauled a backpack full of equipment for the sawyer and got paid an additional $5 a day. Since we were earning about $100 a day as grunts, most of us didn't consider the extra five dollars enough of an incentive to carry a heavy pack full of equipment around all day.

Once, we were called to a fire in Arizona. The first day, we had to climb to the top of a ridge with all our gear. Not long into the climb, we had to take a water break because of the heat. After the break, everyone begin gathering their gear for the climb. I looked at the sawyer's assistant as he strapped on his backpack full of gear, then I looked at the distant ridge, and I said "Well, I guess this is when you start earning those five extra bucks."

Good times.

January 27, 2009

P@lin Poised to Run in 2012
God ignores the prayers of millions

Alaska Governor Sarah P@lin has started a federal political action committee (PAC), called Sarahpac, that will allow her to raise money for and make donations to political candidates, a move that many see as a precursor to her much-feared run for president in 2012.

P@lin's decision to form a PAC follows on the heels of similar announcements by Mitt Romney (Romneyfy America PAC) and Mike Huckabee (fuzzyhuckypac), both of whom it is feared may also run in 2012.

P@lin remains extremely popular among the intellectually challenged and the elderly homebound, but she is widely dismissed by the professional political class within the GOP because of her lack of knowledge in all subjects and her ongoing foot-in-mouth problems.

As conservative blog HateSpeech.org notes, P@lin has a busy calendar, including anticipated appearances at The Funspot in Angola, Indiana, and the Fultondale, Alabama Chili's.

P@lin also continues her campaign against the media for making her family look bad by accurately reporting the things they did.

January 26, 2009

Welcome Internet user to Other People Exist. We would like to help you in your search for disinfecting gerbil cage with bleach.

According to the how-to site Quamut, who claims their how-to guides are "meticulously researched, carefully edited, and rigorously fact-checked":

disinfect the cage with a weak bleach solution (1 tablespoon of bleach for every 1 gallon of water). Allow the cage to air dry and make sure that there’s no bleach smell in the enclosure before allowing your gerbils back inside (emphasis is mine).

According to Rabbits N'Rodents, however:

Spray a pet-safe disinfectant over the cage and any toys you wish to clean, and rinse thoroughly several times. Never use bleach (emphasis is mine once again).

What to make of the available data? We at OPE think that 1 TBS of bleach, when diluted in a gallon of water - especially if the cage is rinsed until there is no bleach smell in the enclosure - is probably safe. Additionally, bleach prevents the transmission of bacterial diseases such as Gerbil Enteritis, Tyzzer's Disease, and Nasal Dermatitis (Sorenose).

Below, we bring a reader the information he/she sought regarding heavy women riding ponies. Enjoy.

January 23, 2009

Welcome Internet user to Other People Exist. Unfortunately, we do not have the barbaraeden.com information you were seeking.

I am just as surprised as you that no one has snapped up the highly lucrative domain barbaraeden.com. Who among us couldn't easily spend hours looking at photos of Ms. Eden in her Jeannie costume or production stills from 1971's The Feminist and the Fuzz.

I hate for you to go away empty handed, so I searched YouTube and found one of those creepy fan videos wherein some loser edits together hundreds of shots of someone he/she is obsessed with and gives it a nauseatingly uplifting soundtrack. Enjoy! GaHartF@n calls it "the greatest video ever!!"

January 22, 2009

Obama's first day packs in a lot of work
Hours spent cleaning up Bush's empties

In his first full day in the White House, Barack Obama pushed his top military advisers for a plan to withdraw combat troops from Iraq, and directed staff to thoroughly scrub all kitchen and bathroom surfaces.

Tina Reffet, head of housekeeping at the White House, said the most difficult part of the cleanup will be getting rid of that Bush smell.

"It's in everything," she said.

Obama proceeded Wednesday in true presidential style, mixing international diplomacy, ceremonial events and bureaucratic action.

The 44th president arrived at the Oval Office at 8:35 a.m. and spent 10 minutes alone, attempting to decipher the private note left to him by his predecessor. The envelope read "To: #44, From: #43" and was decorated with dinosaur stickers.

The first published photo of Obama in the Oval Office, by Time magazine, showed him in a white shirt and blue tie, without suit jacket, in stark contrast to the previous president's beloved terry cloth robe and flip flops.

Much of the wall space in the West Wing was bare, with photos taken down by the departing administration as well as the large painting of Hulk Hogan in the Vermeil Room.

By noon, Obama had conferred by telephone with the Israeli prime minister, and leaders of Egypt, Jordan and the Palestinian Authority. He finished the day with a meeting of military advisers.

In the afternoon, the first couple greeted visitors to an open house in which two hundred people won invitations that were distributed on a first-come, first-served basis.

"Welcome, enjoy yourself," Obama told one visitor. "Sorry about the smell."


The Hogan Portrait awaiting pick-up

January 21, 2009

Bush's final day filled with emotion
Ex-president weeps while eating last White House burrito

Just as he had done on every other weekday of his presidency, George W. Bush awoke Tuesday at his usual time and was in the Oval Office by 9:45 a.m. But this Tuesday morning was anything but routine.

These were the final hours of the Bush presidency, and the usually confused Texan would show uncharacteristic public emotion upon realizing that he was leaving and not coming back.

"But this is where all my stuff is," he protested.

After their final night in the White House, George and Laura Bush woke up surrounded by family, who helped them bathe and dress. The clan breakfasted on pancakes, sausages, and the children of the poor.

The first sign of finality came at 9:55 a.m., when Barack and Michelle Obama arrived at the north portico. Bush began weeping openly and clutching his chair.

At 10:48 a.m. EST, President-elect Obama and assorted White House staff unpeeled Bush's fingers from the chairback, and respectfully carried him to the armor-plated limousine known as “The Beast,” feeling his presidential kicks of protest for the last time.

The two men walked up the steps on the Senate side of the Capitol building shortly after 11 a.m. One hundred minutes later, the Bush family filed out of the Capitol, a pair of ex-presidents and former first ladies.

After getting reassurances that all his beanie babies had been packed, the president finally boarded Special Air Mission 28000.

The crowd, more than a million strong, erupted in wild applause and hooting as the helicopter took off, marking the end of the most unpopular presidency in American history.

The craft made one final pass by the White House, letting the Bushes glimpse the hole President Bush accidentally shot in the skylight.

In preparation for the transition of power, Bush left a personal letter to his successor in the Oval Office desk drawer. Addressed "To Whom It May Concern," it details which chairs are the comfiest and contains tips on how to work the hot water in the presidential shower.

January 20, 2009

I must reveal that I had the opportunity to be in our nation's capital for the inauguration of our latest president, and I opted not to go. I don't think this is something that I will be telling my grandchildren with regret, because I won't have any grandchildren. Below I present my reasons for pussying out.

First, it would have involved leaving the offices, which is not something I relish. All my stuff is here! Second, I came down with one of my bi-monthly colds on Sunday (My doctor: "that's normal"), and these colds prefer a regimen of couch rest, with the viewing of many crap movies. Third, the train on which my seat was reserved was arriving at 10:00 AM, which The Man said would be too late an arrival to be anywhere near anything.

Those who did make the trip sent the following photographic record of the view they obtained. Tell me, did I do the right thing?


View of trees, with undetermined commotion beyond.

January 19, 2009

We had an early meeting this morning at the OPE offices to discuss the issue of MLK Day. Do we post today or no? Many staffers expressed their opinion about the matter by not showing up for the meeting. Only Todd and I were present, and Todd argued against working today, saying that we should honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and all he stood for, while I reminded Todd of our current recession and of the fact that he can be replaced by a Mr. Coffee®.

Afterward, Todd went right to work in his coffee bay while I researched coffee makers online just to make him nervous. I can always tell when Todd is frightened, because he gets a funny look on his face as he weeps. Todd doesn't realize that I'm much too cheap to buy a coffee maker, and I don't have the money.

Todd believes that when his internship ends, he may be hired into a paid position at the blog. Isn't that adorable? But so wrong. First, he'd have to be part of an accredited internship program rather than an imaginary one that only he and I know about, and second, we'd have to have paid positions at OPE blog.


The New Todd

January 15, 2009

Readers have telexed and FAXed asking about the final disposition of the novelty soccer ball issue. This email went out today:

re: disposition of the novelty soccer ball issue

All,
After much soul-searching, we have decided never to send a batch email to multiple persons at the same time again. Two parties responded with great interest in the novelty soccer ball, but we have only one ball, which means there will probably be crying.

I get the impression that Mr. R mentioned the specifics of the ball to his daughter such that now, should she not receive the ball, there could be a problem, whereas Ms. A seems to have extrapolated from existing data when she wrote that her daughters "would be thrilled." It appears the choice has been made for us.

Mr. R can expect the ball to arrive via USPS in 5 to 9 days. We ask nothing in return save for video documentation of the aforementioned screeching, preferably in high definition (1080p). Should there be no screeching, we will also accept feigned screeching, provided we cannot tell the difference.

Thank you and enjoy,

Kurt

January 14, 2009

I was enlisted today to email any of my friends with soccer-aged children. Of course, all my friends have children - wonderful children who bring them great happiness and a sense of fulfillment. Whatever.

I composed the following email:

Hi,
K was at a tech convention doing whatever it is she does, and there was a famous soccer lady there signing novelty soccer balls. The soccer lady has a gold medal in something soccer-related. K figured that someone we know has a girl/boy/transgendered child who follows women's soccer and who would screech with pleasure upon receiving this novelty soccer ball, so she got one. Reply confirming that you have such a child, and that the child will likely screech, and we will USPS the novelty soccer ball to you post haste.

I don't have the ball in front of me, but I'm pretty sure the soccer lady's name is Mia Hamm.

Good look and happy soccering,

Kurt

This just in: a correction

The soccer lady is not the illustrious and well-loved Mia Hamm, it is Heather Mitts, who is renowned for her inappropriate short shorts and her willingness to be photographed in them. I hope that no children have already gotten their hopes up.

January 13, 2009

January 12, 2009

My friend Lisa designs a calendar every year using illustrations contributed by her friends. This year, I was not inspired to draw a cartoon, until we had the following email exchange:

On Fri, Jan 9, Lisa wrote:
What about the cartoon/drawing? Are you going to submit one? If so, please do that toute suite - I'm working on the calendar this weekend.

On Friday, Jan 9, Kurt wrote:
i haven't had any ideas. i could submit something old.

On Fri, Jan 9, Lisa wrote:
just sit down and draw something - it doesn't have to have a caption or even be "funny"

Below is the finished cartoon, now removed.

January 11, 2009

January 9, 2009

Good news from the outside world! It was recently reported that hippies, when they are not sticking flowers down rifle barrels or having sex with anonymous strangers, enjoy reading back issues of OPE zine!

Unfortunately, hippies don't buy OPE, as they aren't into possessions, and because they don't have $4. If you let them sit on a futon and read OPE, however, they will offer you a back rub or some VW repair.

Sex is always an option with hippies, but as you can see by the picture, none of them is particularly hot. Hopefully another batch of hotter hippies will stop by in the future!

January 8, 2009

To date, OPE readers, inspired by my example, have donated a combined total of $0.00 to charitable organizations. Let's see if we can make that number go even higher!

Odds are, some of you picked Help Others as one of your New Year's resolutions; it's listed as #9 of The 10 Most Common New Year’s Resolutions. And I have provided the link for Charity Navigator for two days running, so you have clearly been given the opportunity. Why are you resisting?

Perhaps it's just that you don't care about other people or their wants/needs. In that case, you might consider making a charitable donation just to spite me. I'll show Kurt! you could mumble satisfyingly to yourself as you enter your credit card number.

You might also consider making a charitable donation to give the appearance that you care. That way, people won't know that your inner core is damaged, and they'll like you for who it appears you are.

Either way, you win!

January 7, 2009

My uncommon generosity of 01/05/09 has inspired others to do good as well. Some friends of Todd's got together and, by performing certain tasks for money, raised $150 for charity! Thanks boys for all you do to help the ostensibly less fortunate.

I loaned them a giant check so they could donate their monies in the traditional manner. The boys unfortunately chose Jobs With Justice, a zero star-rated charity by Charity Navigator. Their hearts are in the right place, they are just not connected to their brains.

77.5% of the money JWJ raises goes to administrative expenses, making them one of the least efficient charities known to man. Compare this to Fund for Public Schools, who spend only 2.7% of the money they raise on administration. Most of the rest goes to purchasing deadly dull and inaccurate textbooks to facilitate the indoctrination of our youth. That's efficiency!


Charity Navigator's "10 Slam-Dunk Charities"

January 6, 2009

Readers have called and written to say how impressed they were by the substantial charitable donation I made yesterday. Many are saying that this makes up for many of the terrible things I've said and done. Some said they were inspired by my example, and though they are unable donate at the level I did, they want to do the little they can.

I recommend philanthropic-minded readers direct their Internet browser to Charity Navigator; CN evaluates charities and rates their effectiveness. It turns out that not all do-gooders do good.

Also, remember that charities are required to spend 42 cents mailing you a tax form after any donation, so plan to donate at least 50 cents if you want your monies to do any good. This who wish to be forgiven for terrible terrible things they've done will probably need to donate more.

January 5, 2009

Unfortunately, our strategic alliance with bacon ended today when bacon realized there was no upside to being allied with OPE. Bacon has permitted us to continue to use its name and likeness through the end of the business day, after which we must never speak of bacon again.

This is a disappointing end to what we thought would be the greatest thing to happen to us ever. We had thought that bacon's reputation in the community would lend legitimacy to our questionable enterprise. Without bacon's backing, we must now find another way to be relevant.

Our reader VE recently took the unusual step of paypaling every commentor on his blog 10 cents per comment for the 2008 calendar year. This has inspired us to do something similar but unfortunately not identical.

To rebuild our shattered image, we have donated our windfall from VE to Direct Relief International, a charity that does things to help people (consult their site for specifics). This shows that, when we are backed into a corner, we can do good. We hope everyone is sufficiently impressed.

January 2, 2009

It's that time of year when Other People Exist blog and bacon make our New Year's resolutions. We at OPE have never made New Year's resolutions, and we don't intend to start now. Bacon, however, feels differently. Bacon wants to make several important changes in 2009 and hopes the following resolutions will aid in that process.

Bacon resolves to be crispier and more flavorful, and pledges to foster more understanding between meats. Bacon also resolves to spend more time with family and friends, such as Canadian bacon. Bacon pledges to enjoy life more and do more to help the less fortunate, especially chitlins.

Bacon challenges everyone to do more with less in 2009, and, toward that end, bacon offers the following recipe:

Baked Omelette Casserole

8 pieces of bread from the Day-old Bread Store, cubed
8 eggs, hen
1 cup of milk from the Day-old Milk Store
2 cups leftover bacon
2 tablespoons casserole seasoning

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place bread cubes in a casserole dish. Beat milk into eggs, toss in bacon and pour over bread cubes. Using your hand, mix all ingredients together. Bake 30 minutes, or until a timer set to 30 minutes rings, indicating that 30 minutes has passed. Remove dish from oven, and eat part or all of casserole.

January 1, 2009

Other People Exist blog, in cooperation with bacon, would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

It was a great year for bacon. Across the nation, people continued to seek out bacon at mealtime and for other activities. Bacon's decision to ally itself with OPE blog surprised many, but so far it has done little to damage bacon's reputation as a superior foodstuff.

2008 was not as rosy for OPE. Readership dropped dramatically when our post quality took a dive in December. We lost several long-time readers, presumably to boredom, although we cannot rule out our offensive words as a possible cause. Our last-gasp alliance with bacon in late 2008, however, is shaping up to be our best move yet. We enter 2009 full of hope, although there is no good reason for it.

A New Year's message from OPE blog and bacon.


Our bacon tat shows we are serious