November 30, 2007

I'm up early for my inter-island flight. I fell asleep late due to noise from my upstairs "neighbors." They seemed to be testing the resonance of all the surfaces in their suite by knocking on each of them successively. It was quite late in the night when the experimentation ended.

I am hoping that today's flight will be via propeller plane; it would be a nice change of pace. Also, when a propeller plane experiences a sudden loss of power, it has the ability to glide, whereas a jet plane will simply drop from the sky.

November 28, 2007

One of our readers guessed yesterday that the island state we are visiting is Maui. Maui, of course, is not one of the fifty United States, but we appreciate the effort.

On Friday, I will be switching islands and visiting the capital city of this island state. I am excited because I have heard that the Tommy Bahama store in that city has a much more extensive selection. We may exchange some of our stupid shirts for different stupid shirts.

November 27, 2007

Today we ventured into a nearby town to see some of the sights and sounds of this island state. One of our readers guessed that the island state I am visiting is the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations (known colloquially as Rhode Island), but it is not. I think that when I describe my sightseeing trip into town today, you will know right away what island state I am visiting.

Our first stop was Bubba Gump's, where we had some of the finest food Bubba Gump's has to offer. We had a view of where they are putting in an Outback Steakhouse across from the Safeway. Then we bought stupid shirts at Tommy Bahama and had our ice cream beaten upon a stone for $4.55 a scoop at Cold Stone Creamery. It makes a huge difference in the flavor and it's totally worth the 1000% markup over store ice cream. Besides, who has the time to beat it on a stone at home?

In the daytime, it can get sunny in this island state (although it gets dark at night), so I shopped for sunglasses at Sunglass Hut. Then we purchased some of the traditional crafts of this region to give as gifts. They will look great on everybody's mantel. We took a picture of one of the artists at work. Then, for a little taste of home, we finished the day with dinner at The Hard Rock Cafe.

What an exciting, rewarding day we had! It's so interesting to learn about different cultures and traditions!

November 26, 2007

As I type this, I am neglecting my loafing duties. A lawn chair awaits me, and I must not tarry. If someone could please call the OPE answering machine, that will automatically turn on Todd's feeding machine. Thanking you in advance,

Kurt

November 23, 2007

Readers may recall that I shared with them a cartoon that I drew for a Thanksgiving cartoon contest on a local radio station. This contest was to be judged by the cartoon editor of a famous American literary magazine whose name rhymes with New Porker.

Well, the results are in for the contest. Though, in the past, this editor has selected some of the finest cartoons I've seen for the magazine that employs him, in the case of this contest, I believe he chose poorly. It is possible that he was high at the time.

As you would expect, I closely inspected all 200 co-entrants. I selected seventeen that I thought were of special merit and downloaded them into a folder so I could review them constantly. When the cartoon editor chose his "Top 5 Winners" and four "Honorable Mentions," only one was one of the seventeen I selected. Additionally, two of the cartoons he chose were what I would call "terrible."

What can one do? I respect this editor too much to hunt him down and TP his home. I have gnashed my teeth to the chipping point and rent my garments sufficiently. The time has come, as it so often does, for me to move on. Those readers who wish to take the matter further will have to do so on their own.

November 21, 2007

I had a tearful reunion this week with Kurt's Bike. You may recall that Kurt's Bike was left in the care of a Doug, and that I provided clear guidelines to this Doug for the care and treatment of Kurt's Bike. Nonetheless, Doug chose to allow several house guests to ride Kurt's bike, a clear violation of the aforementioned guidelines and, in the process, the KURT'S BIKE sign that I carefully hung from the seat was lost forever.

What can one do? Our friends do not always behave in the way we want them to. We forgive, and we move on. It is hard for me to say this, but I suppose what Doug screamed at me is true: it's just a bike. I have chastised Doug enough, and I intend, finally, to let it go.

Can Doug ever forgive himself? That is hard to say, but I hope that, after an appropriate period of shame, he can.

November 19, 2007

As promised, I left the famous American city where I live and traveled via jet plane to a city approx. halfway between my city and the popular island state I will be visiting. There are now only four opportunities left for me to die in a fiery or non-fiery plane crash.

Though I have flown before on many occasions, this was the first time that one of my seatmates was on me throughout the flight. By on me, I mean that his body extended beyond the sides of his seat and into my assigned area. He wasn't an exceptionally large man, so I was mystified as to the cause. I did a bit of research at SeatGuru and found that United Airlines' 757s have an industry-low seat width of 17.0".

On the second leg of my trip, I sat next to a full grown adult female who took from her purse a book of word searches and began working on them. I made no comment. But at least she fit in her assigned seat.

November 16, 2007

Sometimes, when they are short-staffed, my friends in Chinatown ask if I would help out at the market for a few hours. I figure it's the least I can do after what they did for me.

I noticed that some staff members had a poor attitude and treated customers disrespectfully. I spoke with management about what could be done. Perhaps if they were allowed breaks, I suggested, or if you let them go to school like other kids. Management rejected these ideas, but they did ask me to make a list of the kinds of things staff members were saying so that they could offer suggestions for improvement.

I'm pretty proud of the changes that have taken place at the market since this new sign was put up. I think shoppers in Chinatown can expect to have a much more pleasant experience now as they shop for crap.

(click to enlarge)

November 15, 2007

Australian Santas Asked Not to Say 'Ho Ho Ho'

Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women and hookers, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha," "hee hee hee," or a variation of their own invention.

"Santa Clausing is an art," said one disgruntled Santa, "I make creative choices that feel true to the character, even if it means angering my supervisors at Christmastime Productions."

Two Santas-in-training have quit the course because of the controversy.

"They really wanted to say 'ho,'" said supervisor Tina Reffett.

Sydney mother Maybel Marks said she wanted her daughter Maybel Jr. to grow up hearing Santa's "ho, ho, ho" just as she had, and she did not realize the phrase had other connotations.

"Except for, like, when someone says 'you fuckin ho!'" she added.

"Christmastime Productions has been a provider of quality caring Santas for over 40 years," Reffett wrote in an e-mail today.

"We asked our Santas to try techniques such as lowering their tone of voice and using 'ha, ha, ha' so that street-smart kids wouldn't laugh excessively at them in public."

Australian Childhood Foundation CEO Dr. Joe Gucci said it was "an example of political correctness gone mad."

"There is no stronger tradition for children than Santa's ho, ho, ho," Gucci said, adding "No offense to the Jewish kids."

November 14, 2007

The deadline to enter the Thanksgiving cartoon contest has passed. There were 198 entries, seventeen of which could be called "funny." The cartoon editor of a major American magazine will "choose his favorites and discuss them on air" (for this was a radio contest) on Thanksgiving Eve. I can only hope that he selects mine as one of his favorites and urges me to contact him so that he can begin championing my work ASAP.

By the number of comments I received yesterday, I think it safe to assume that most of my readers were unmoved by my entry. Perhaps it would help if I explained it:



With Thanksgiving nearing, we can assume that the mature turkey pictured in the cartoon will be slaughtered for market. The turkey appears to be unaware of his fate, or else he is in denial, as he has gone to a soothsayer to have his fortune told. This creates no small amount of dramatic irony. The cards predict death for the turkey, but the soothsayer insists that there are "several possible interpretations." She either cannot bring herself to tell a client that he is going to die, or she is as uninformed as her turkey customer. We laugh at the turkey, but really we are laughing at ourselves, for each of us will probably one day die, and yet we continue on with our lives as if we are unaware of the fact.

You may now laugh.

November 12, 2007

Things will be getting busy here this week at OPE headquarters. I am preparing for a trip to a famous American state that is composed entirely of islands. Consequently, I will be flying via airplane first to an American city that is substantially closer to this island state, then to the island state itself.

Including one scheduled interisland flight, my total number of flights for this trip will be six. Given that 90% of all aviation accidents occur at takeoff and landing, I will have twelve opportunities to die in a midair collision/explosion/giant fireball. This is a risk I am willing to take given the reported quality of the daiquiritas.

I will be attending a "cocktail dinner" at which I am requested to wear "business attire." As it happens, I own a suit, and it fits me. One of the things my father taught me, in addition to "everything you touch turns to shit," was that a man looks his best in an orange polyester suit. This won't help me at all during my trip, however. Any tips readers may have re: how to pack a suit for airplane travel would be greatly appreciated.

I will probably not be able to attend to my blog duties on a regular basis during this trip. If they have the Internet on this island state, I will try to post now and then between sips. We appreciate your patience during this difficult time.

November 9, 2007

I'm writing this post from my poutin' shanty. It is not an actual shanty, just a room that facilitates pouting. This time, I did not throw a huge fit and get sent here to think about what I did. I'm just taking a break from the hecticity of the main living area.

It's been a busy week. The Brother arrived Wednesday night, ate two dinners, and then departed Thursday morning. He was making a brief trip to his motherland to gather items that are not readily available in the exotic country where he currently lives, such as ibuprofen and electricity.

Then, Thursday night we were invited to a fancy dinner on the town at one of the hottest new restaurants in the famous American city where I live. This 5-letter-named establishment is attracting young, hip people who like to frequent the places other young, hip people frequent to reinforce their belief that they are living the best possible life (and that others are not living it). The food was excellent.

Today we have a new guest, different from the first guest and yet with many of the same requirements, e.g. meals, clean sheets, and the dreaded pre-coffee morning conversation.



The guest room with fresh sheets on the bed

November 8, 2007

Let us go back in time to the days when the sidewalks were covered in battery acid and the long-playing (LP) record was becoming the favorite medium for playback of recorded music.

The year was 1977. I had just finished helping the Cat Lady clean her house in preparation for moving, and she had taken me to the store and told me that, in lieu of payment, I could have any record I wanted. Up until then, I had strictly been an 8-track man, but I was ready to make the switch. I didn't like how the longer songs would fade out in the middle for the track change, then fade back in.

I rightly reasoned that a double LP would be my wisest choice, economically speaking. I also instinctively knew that I should get something new, something I hadn't heard before. I made the best of all possible choices: Barry Manilow Live.

Those of you who were around when BML came out probably remember the excitement its release generated. Doctors had to be stationed at the record stores (as they were called in those days) to help customers who, in their excitement, found themselves physically unable to get the record to the counter. Those who lived through the experience were treated to 4 sides of some of the finest music Barry Manilow had to offer.

I went on to collect all of Barry's LPs; I took music quite seriously in those days. But BML always held a special place in my heart.

The Cat Lady is long dead (or 102), and I don't know where that album is today - probably ironically decorating the walls of some hipster's studio in Billyburg. I can tell you that when I listened to that record, any laughing I did was with Mr. Manilow - probably during the hilarious "A Very Strange Medley."


Could this be the magic? I think so!

November 7, 2007

I shall be shamelessly promoting the online retailer Sierra Trading Post today. Please know that they are not compensating me in any way for this. Yet.

When I said on Monday that the Internet was largely irrelevant, I admitted that "it can be rather handy...if you want to buy something." Since I go outside sparingly, it is unimportant what I look like. I therefore rarely need to purchase new clothes. When I do, I often purchase them from online retailer Sierra Trading Post, Your In-Home Outlet Mall®.

In 2001, I purchased a pair of dress shoes (item #60341-27-12-D) from Sierra Trading Post that I wore on occasion to work, back when I was able to apply for and obtain employment. Last weekend, I happened to lace them on once again to walk to a brunch that turned out to be more of a lunch - but that is another story. Whilst walking to said brunch-cum-lunch, the soles of the aforementioned shoes dissolved (see photographic evidence below). At first, I was outraged; if I ever found work again, I would probably be required to wear shoes, and these were shoes I could wear. Then I remembered Sierra Trading Post's 100% Guaranteed No Time Limit! return policy.

I contacted Sierra Trading Post via email and, per their instructions, I returned the shoes for a full refund ($39.95). It was later suggested to me (by a "friend") that I had perhaps stepped in some battery acid and that Sierra Trading Post was not liable for the dissolution of the shoe's soles. This is highly unlikely, as automobiles have been using "sealed" (VRLA) batteries (which do not leak) for several decades now. The days when the sidewalks were covered in battery acid are long behind us.

Sierra Trading Post is currently offering 20% off on all orders of $100 or more!

November 6, 2007

After yesterday's post in which I stated that the Internet is largely irrelevant, I received a call from the people at the Internet offering me unfiltered access to the entire Internet for one month if I would considering trying the Internet again. This would give me access to all the sites currently blocked by the Disney Corp. and Monsanto as well as the web sites with the tasteful porn.

I must say I was tempted. Who hasn't dreamed of accessing the uncensored Internet? I could read the original versions of my old posts before the Monsanto people removed all the references to corn syrup. I could watch the unedited paparazzi videos of Britney Spears to see the parts where she says smart things. I could chat with Jeff Bridges Fan club members in Afgh@nist@n and say what I really think about Jeff.

But, ultimately, I turned down their generous offer. After the free trial month, you have to call and cancel your membership or you are automatically enrolled in the uncensored Internet for $189.95. No thanks; I've fallen for that one before. I guess for now I'll have to make due with the edited global warming reports that the White House allows me to see.

November 5, 2007

Before I reduced my Internet presence, I was forever getting emails from MySpace and The Facebook telling me that someone had left me a message. I would then have to click over and sign in to the appropriate social networking site to read the message. I would have preferred that we skip all the extra steps and just correspond via electronic mail.

With MySpace, these messages were always from young women I did not recognize who had neglected to wear pants or a proper top for their profile photos. I always took the time to respond and warn them that I could see their underwear.

With The Facebook, I received numerous friend requests every day, all from people I did not know. It seems that Facebook users are competing to see who can amass the most "friends," which seems a not very productive use of time, unless you are doing it at work.

I have lately concluded that the Internet is largely irrelevant. If you want to buy something, communicate tersely with a friend/loved one, or send gay porn catalogs to the local bigot, it can be rather handy. But for those of us who choose not to download music files illegally or who prefer the more tasteful porn styles of the 70's, the Internet is mostly a time suck.

You heard it here first.

November 2, 2007

Last night, I substantially reduced my Internet presence. The good people at The Facebook informed me that they do not allow users to create profiles using false names. I have a strict policy of never using my real name online for any reason (unless there is a possibility of meeting Mr. Jeff Bridges), so I was forced to delete my profile, stranding all six of my Facebook friends and leaving an empty space where there was once a page full of misinformation about me.

While I was in a deleting mood, I went ahead and deactivated my MySpace account too. It is just as well, as I never once met a gullible teenage girl through my profile as MySpace promises.

Now I am down to just this blog. I would claim that this will leave me with more time/energy to devote to OPE, but it would be a lie. I barely care now as it is, and unless I were to improve as a person, which is historically unprecedented, I don't see me doing any more than the bare minimum, as per usual. But enjoy anyway!

November 1, 2007

The finalists for The 2007 Weblog Awards were finally announced, and for three years running, Other People Exist was not nominated. Voting is scheduled to begin this evening, for those who still care.

Finalists include, but are not limited to, Michelle Malkin, RawStory, TechCrunch, and Andrew Sullivan, whatever/whoever they are. It would have been an honor just to be nominated.

The Weblog Awards claim to be "the world's largest blog competition," though there are only 21 comments on yesterday's post announcing the finalists. A quick search for "Weblog Awards" on Google News yielded four stories, all of which were from blogs announcing their nominations.

What does this mean? It means that blogs are one big circle jerk, and the only people paying any attention are those in the circle. I just thank God I have a circle in which to jerk at all.