August 31, 2007

According to our site counter, readership of OPE is down in the third quarter of 2007. Though we still get the occasional new reader through a Google search for twins licking each other or wiccan disciplinary measures, our returning visitor count is still trending down.

We are also projecting revenue numbers on the low side (US$0.00) compared to last year at this time (US$10.00). Ad revenues have been poor, barely enough to cover our Glue Stick expenses. Perhaps it would help if we had ads.

Todd gets nervous whenever I talk about abandoning the blog for something where I could put out even less effort. He knows that if we close, he will not get the college credit he thinks he is earning. Also, most everything from the OPE offices will probably end up on the sidewalk along with Todd's custom coffeemaking equipment and Todd.

Perhaps I was wrong to insist that we never change our template or spend one ounce of energy improving the appearance of the blog. Our stats indicate that we receive over one hundred hits a day from people searching for shizuka arakawa boob, but they are all click-aways. Would it be so bad for us to post at least one of her boobs if it could mean attracting desperately needed new readers?

These are the tough questions we must face in the days ahead.

August 30, 2007

Occasionally, we receive mail from people who really should know better. Recently, one of our readers came to us seeking our thoughts on cultural matters. We were glad to be of service. I've reprinted the exchange below:

from: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
to: otherpeopleexist[at]gmail.com
subject: Your opinion needed...

I forwarded this to my friend [name withheld], and she asked me to forward it to you and get your opinion for some reason. [remainder of letter not pertinent to issue at hand. -ed.]


-------------------------------------

from: otherpeopleexist[at]gmail.com
to: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
subject: Re: Your opinion needed..

I'm remembering that, back in the olden days, children sat on their parent's/grandparent's tummies as they lie/lay on the living room floor. Said children would hop up and down on the tummy, and the parent/grandparent would say OOF and make comments about how big the child is growing. It was all in good fun. This ride was created in that spirit so that children would think of Donald in the same way they think of a loving parent.

Nowadays, the media has made it clear that all adult males (and, by extension, male ducks) are suspect. If your child even approaches a lone male in public, you are supposed to shriek out MADISON! as if in a panic, even if her name isn't Madison. Seeing the Donald ride with today's eyes, we unwittingly assign inappropriate desires to the once-innocent character of Donald.

The End is near. Be very afraid.

Kurt

August 29, 2007

Two Protests, Same War
(The Iraq War)

Nearly 300 people lined up on the corner of Michigan Avenue and Court Street in Jackhole, Michigan Tuesday night to protest the Iraq war.

Demonstrators held up lit candles and signs asking passing motorists to honk for peace.

Observers say hundreds of cars honked in response. At one point, a dog wandered into the road, and there was some honking at him as well.

Meanwhile, anti-war demonstrators gathered for a candlelight vigil in downtown Watoma, Washington, honoring servicemen, servicewomen and transgender servicepeople who have died in Iraq. Some held signs protesting the war.

Pro-war activists were on hand, chanting "We Are Not In Agreement With What You Say!" A verbal confrontation erupted when two people with opposing views yelled at each other without either listening to what the other was saying.

Some in the pro-war group jeered the anti-war protesters and called them communists, demonstrating that they perhaps need to do some additional reading on systems of government.

A White House spokeswoman said Bush was not informed about the demonstrations because "they happen all the time."

August 28, 2007

You may have noticed that I have had to post some previously created material in the past few days. Things have been hectic at the offices. I had two houseguests, and this necessitated some flexibility on my part, which I hate.

To accommodate our guests, I took Todd's hide-a-bed and gave them my bed, while Todd slept in a tent in the yard. I slept okay, but Todd had a run-in with the neighborhood cats.

After three or four days, I started to get used to having guests in the house, and I stopped tantruming. I took them on the popular subterranean transportation system to the large, centrally located park in the famous American city where I live. It was fun.

We also visited a noted museum and took a tour of the exhibit. I was on my best behavior and only shrieked "Pardon you" once! I earned another leaf for my behavior tree!

August 27, 2007

Today we offer an encore presentation of one of our more successful posts from 2005. Enjoy.

In the early days of domestic aeroplane travel, companies used propeller planes, which were much slower and noisier. Their only advantage was that, in the event of mechanical trouble, they could be maneuvered to a safe landing spot, whereas today's jets will merely drop from the sky like giant paperweights.

In those days, when it was time for takeoff, one of the passengers (by convention, it was usually the passenger in seat 3C) was enlisted to do that pully thing to the propeller to get the engine started. Then, he had to run alongside the plane and jump in before it taxied off. By way of thanks, during the inflight meal, he received extra rolls.

Most passengers wore earmuffs to block out the roar of the engines. In the event of engine failure, the earmuffs were removed. Flight attendants (or stewardesses, as they were known then) had to use hand gestures to communicate important messages to passengers like Turbulence ahead or Tonight's meal is poached salmon in a white wine sauce or The engines have failed, you can remove your muffs.

A typical flight from coast to coast took fourteen hours. Passenger's ears were usually quite sore at the end of a flight due to the poor quality of early muff models. Passengers deplaned down a set of portable stairs that led directly onto the tarmac, just like in the original The Parent Trap. You may remember that The Beatles had to walk down such a set of stairs upon their arrival in the US. In the newsreel footage, you can clearly see that they had already removed their earmuffs.


The author's aunt assists the crew before a flight to Peoria

August 21, 2007

New Report Says CIA Missed Chances to Stop al-Qaeda
Excelled in other areas, however

The CIA's top leaders never developed a comprehensive plan to stop al-Qaeda because "they did not always work effectively and cooperatively," an internal report stated.

The report found that lobbyists for al-Qaeda successfully blocked legislation that would have improved communication within the CIA and increased funding for additional agents and training.

The CIA station charged with monitoring bin Laden was "overworked and lacked expertise and training," according to the report.

"This is America," said al-Qaeda lobbyist Tina Reffett, "If the CIA wants more funding, they should get better lobbyists!"

But the report also praises CIA secretaries for their role in keeping the office supplies well-stocked and organized. It specifically commends their work in providing the CIA with enough staples and brads.

In a statement, former CIA Director George Tenet said the report is "flat wrong" about the lack of a plan, but agreed that he had never worked in an office with a better office supply closet.

"I can't remember a single instance where I needed something, and we had run out." the former Director said.


CIA secretary Melinda said she "enjoys doing her job."

August 20, 2007

Ryan Seacrest to Host the Emmys
End of world must be near

Just days after American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was announced as host of the Super Bowl, Seacrest has been handed the keys to the 59th Annual Prime Time Emmy Awards. It will be the first time a moron has hosted a major awards show.

Executive Producer of the Emmy telecast, Ken Kenneth, said of the appointment, "Viewers respond to his unique combination of smarminess and know-nothingism."

"I love how on Idol he pretends to care about contestants but really he's making fun of them. He's evil, but he's adorable!" said crazed fan Tina Reffett.

Comedians usually get the big awards show gigs. Or someone entertaining. But ever since Seacrest got a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, it's been clear that something has gone very wrong with the world.

Researchers at The Foundation for Ethics & Meaning said today that nothing matters anymore.

Chairman Dick Astral said today "Ryan Seacrest appeals to a broad audience, including the highly desirable young moron demographic, so he should serve as a magnet for attracting viewers to our Emmy telecast, even though it will suck."

Born Ryan Calico Seacrest on December 24, 1974, he began his career while still in high school as an evening radio host for Atlanta's WSTR. It is unclear when things went horribly wrong.


Seacrest and his sisters on the town

August 18, 2007

Update: when our phone service went down, our wireless router got confused, and after the telecommunications company "repaired" the line, the router had to be reconfigured, whatever that means. Here's the fun part: the telecommunications company won't help you reconfigure third-party equipment.

If this happens to you, you will need someone flirty to call the tech people and ask for help. It turns out that, because of their profound loneliness, tech people will spend as long as 64 minutes walking Ms./Mr. Flirty through the reconfiguration if only to hear the sound of a warm voice. Sad, but inexpensive!

August 17, 2007

As Paul McCartney could have predicted, the repair person never showed yesterday. I put in the repair order online Wednesday evening and gave the telecommunications company my cell phone number and email address (puppylover236[at]yahoo.com). When no one showed, I checked the status of my repair online and found that the line had been "repaired" at 1:56AM that morning.

Since I doubt that a qualified service person came out to the house at 1:56AM, I'm guessing they ran a "test" on the line (flipped a switch), and it checked out okay. Here at the site, though, it was plain to see that, in fact, the phone was not working.

What bothered me and made me want to smash many things was that I had sat at home all day waiting for a repair person when I theoretically could have been out having fun. I had indicated on the repair order that I wanted to be notified when the repair was complete (who wouldn't?). I feel that they wasted my time, since there is no way for them to know that I would have sat at home all day anyway.

I put in another repair order last night and, this morning, with hope in my heart, I checked my repair status. My line had been "repaired" at 8:17AM. With great excitement - since nothing much else is going on here at the house - I picked up the phone and saw that there was a dial tone.

The next step: getting the DSL working.

August 16, 2007

Today I spent the day at home waiting for my telecommunications company to come and repair the line. They specified an arrival time between 8:00AM and 5:00PM. Given the recent advances in computer technology, mobile communication, and GPS systems, it seems to this blogger that it should be possible to narrow one's window of arrival to less than eight hours.

At the very least, they might call me on my mobile telephone when they are en route to my home. Then I could lounge at a local café until I receive their call. In my "neighborhood," there are two such choices for lounging. One is the Starbucks (surprise!) on XXxx Avenue. It is not my first choice. Some time in the 1980's, cafés begin blaring the rock and roll music that is so popular among young people, making it impossible to talk, read or enjoy life. Starbucks seems to have made a corporate decision not only to play but to promote music in their stores. I believe former Beatles bass player Paul McCartney has a new CD out on the Starbucks label, a track from which can be heard here.

The other choice is CaféXxx on XXxx Avenue. They have a lovely outdoor seating area, and they don't mind if you sit there all day. It is not suitable for those of us on a budget (or the chronically cheap), however. A glass of iced tea with tax is $3.25 ($4.25 with a $1 tip), which is the most I have paid for anything ever.

I'm surprised that, in 2007, the people of this telecommunications company presume that customers are able to wait for a repair person for eight hours at their home on a weekday. I can do it five days a week, of course, but what about people with lives?

August 15, 2007

re: yesterday's post. I enjoy the cartoons in The New Yorker, and I understand why my work is not "a good fit" for them. FYI: The New Yorker still encourages artists to drop off portfolios at their offices any Wednesday, then pick them up again on Thursday, when they will be glad to tell you why they are not interested.

I don't expect to make a living cartooning (in fact, I don't expect to make a living doing anything). Even Roz Chast, the New Yorker cartoonist, says you can't make a living just selling cartoons to magazines. Of course, she's never seen how little I can live on.

Recently, a friend - I'll call him Michael, since that's his name - could not believe that I was willing to retrieve discarded food from a garbage can. I tried to explain that the item I was coveting was a sealed, unopened loaf of bread, co-bagged with several other unwanted dry foods and showing no traces of visible goo or leakings. It was as good as new! And people ask how I can survive without a job.

August 14, 2007

Today, I present my rejection note from The New Yorker magazine. As impressive as it seems, it really is a very easy item to obtain. Anyone can get one. It costs only 41 cents, plus the cost of an envelope.

Simply draw a cartoon on a piece of paper, and mail it to The New Yorker for consideration. Your rejection note should arrive in 4 to 6 months. Enjoy!

August 13, 2007

I was inspired by d. chedwick bryant's recent touching stories of her family history. Today I present some of my own family history. Enjoy!

Back in the olden days, there weren't as many restrictions on people. Not EVERY SINGLE train crossing had to have a crossing gate. People had to be responsible and slow down and look for the train themselves. There was a kind of trust back then that we don't have these days.

People weren't so strict about laws back in the olden days either. For example, let's say you took the family out for a Sunday drive, and you invited the neighbor boy, and maybe the neighbor boy wanted to drive the car. In those days, you might say "Sure, you're thirteen years old. You're practically a man. Here's my keys. C'mon everyone, pile in!"

Other things that were different: cars weren't as technologically advanced, and couldn't stop as quickly or survive impacts as well. There were no seatbelts, so passengers either tied themselves to the seat with a rope or did without. The human body was pretty much the same, though, and could withstand about the same amount of squishing.

I'm not saying things were perfect back then, but at least people had the freedom to try to beat the train if they wanted to.

(click to enlarge)

August 10, 2007

There was good news today regarding Todd's situation. Todd will receive a substantially reduced sentence in exchange for testifying against Mr. Oliver Klozoff, who apparently is wanted for a wide variety of heinous crimes in the area.

Todd will be released today into my custody. Although he is relieved that his time in prison has come to an end, I feel it would be wrong if I didn't continue some sort of punishment for Todd. Justice demands it. The court-ordered ankle bracelet ensures that he will be home by curfew (4:00 PM), and then, in my own way, I will make sure Todd "serves his time."

In other news, we have located a foreign source of lint, and fresh capsules will soon be available through our online interface. This new lint is "inspired by" Todd's Single Load, and early reports from our customers indicate that it has just as many subjective health benefits. Note: keep out of reach of children.

August 9, 2007

I was touched that so many readers were concerned about Todd. I want to assure you that no matter what happens, there will always be a place for the shell of a man that is Todd after he gets out of prison.

We have it pretty tough here ourselves. With no one focused full time on coffee production, we've had to drink instant or pick up a cup at the deli. It has made everyone a little snippy and out of sorts. If today's post seems half-assed, you know why.

Todd spoke with an attorney, but she told him there is nothing she can do unless he pays her. I visited Todd today when I was at the prison arranging the lint shipments, and he was pretty down. I told him not to worry. Tiny and Boom-Boom promised to protect Todd as part of our lint deal, although I said it wasn't strictly necessary.

August 8, 2007

The Feds made good on their threat. Todd was arrested early this morning and our stores of dryer lint have been confiscated. I heard about it first thing this morning when I came in around 11:00 AM. I knew right away something was wrong because one of the chairs had been moved.

Todd has broken some pretty serious laws and he should expect to do some jail time. I allegedly warned him that he was endangering lives in his mad pursuit of money, but he apparently did not listen. At least that is what the statement I signed says. Things could be much worse; fortunately it turned out that the entire business is owned by our old acquaintance Mr. Oliver Klozoff, and Todd was just an employee.

Those of you who have orders pending will not have to wait until the offshore facility is up and running; I managed to cut a deal with the gentlemen in the prison laundry, and we should have fresh lint by Friday. Keep your fingers crossed and your orders coming.

August 7, 2007

Yesterday, one of our readers commented that he had not heard enough about Todd's dryer lint products. We get that a lot. We're all feeling the excitement surrounding this very special lint and its incredible healative powers.

But federal officials tell us that soon this will all have to come to an end. Even though Todd's lint has helped many more people than it has killed, officials have moved to ban the sale of all lint supplements in North America. It could be months before we can move production offshore and set up an illegal importation business.

We are trying to fight the decision. We feel that individuals should be able to choose for themselves whether or not they want to ingest a dangerous choking hazard. That's what America is all about!

Because of the uncertainty in the lint market, we recommend you stock up now while you still can. At OPE, we plan to keep price gouging to an absolute minimum; our $39.00 capsule of Todd's Single Load dryer lint is now just $99.00, while supplies are legal.

August 6, 2007

We've all heard the health claims being made for Todd's Single Load dryer lint, and we've asked ourselves Are they too good to be true? Anecdotal reports from happy customers and fetishists all over the country suggest that Todd's dryer lint is the panacea they imagined it would be in their dreams.

Rob in Cleveland said he hasn't gotten a cold in over three weeks. Joanne in Terre Haute said it momentarily brought back feeling in her finger. John in Fort Lee said his pustules became less oozy.

Can one lint product really promise all this? Well, according to the FDA, no. But a new study from Sweden claims that this exclusive lint product has significant advantages over placebo therapy.

The inmates who took part in the study experienced perceived greater stamina, improved digestion, silkier hair, and increased hugability. And Todd's lint was analyzed and found to be totally nontoxic, though it did pose a significant choking risk.

For only $49.95 per capsule (about a one week supply), don't you owe it to yourself to find out what Todd's Single Load dryer lint can do for you?

August 4, 2007

Below, OPE staff are loading the latest shipment of Todd's "single-load" dryer lint. Finally, a product we can be proud of. Everyone is working extra hard to meet our sales goal of 100,000 units by the end of the fiscal year, because I have promised them all a pizza party.

(click to enlarge)

August 3, 2007

Readers are demanding Todd's dryer lint, and they are telling us that they are willing to pay more for a higher grade of lint. We understand the desire to obtain the absolute purest form of Todd's lint. We are excited to report that, late last night, we completed a deal to make us the North American distributor of Todd's "single-load" dryer lint.

Each acrylic capsule of this exclusive lint is gathered from a single load (hence the name) of Todd-only laundry, washed as Todd washes it. It contains no fungicides or nematicides. It arrives at your home ready for display. The capsule can be easily opened for access to the lint. The mounting is archival-quality and can withstand even the most vigorous hugging.

Supplies are limited; Todd only has so much laundry. Order yours today!

August 2, 2007

The demand for sachets of Todd's dryer lint has been overwhelming. To keep up with all the orders, we have had to accidentally slosh coffee on Todd when he comes around to top us up. Todd then skips off to the laundry room to wash his outfit before the stain sets and, each time, we recover enough lint for a few more sachets.

Todd is very patient and polite, but after his fourth load today, he lost his temper and said "C'mon guys, please be more careful!" Then he felt guilty and made us a batch of his carrot raisin muffins. They were delicious, and some of us accidentally wiped the frosting on his pants, shirt, and vest, which sent him back to the laundry room again.

Keep those orders coming!

August 1, 2007

We called in a team of certifiers to help us authenticate our sachets of Todd's dryer lint, which have now been approved for sale in the U.S. and Puerto Rico!

(Click to enlarge)