May 31, 2007

Other People Exist will be on the road for the next twelve days. We will try to post from a remote computer when possible, but several days of this voyage involve overland train travel, and Internet access will not available during this portion of the journey.

Upon our return, initial posts may be longer and more detailed than usual due to an acquisition of "new material," but this cannot be guaranteed because of the unpredictable nature of the talent.

Best,

The Staff of OPE

May 30, 2007

Goodish news! CMT has finally announced the details of "Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge." Actor Stephen Baldwin, Rapper-philanthropist Vanilla Ice, and actor-musician-ex-con Leif Garrett are among the celebrities set to take part in the upcoming reality series. They'll receive bull riding lessons from expert Ty Murray (pending availability) and compete at a Professional Bull Riders event in Nashville, Tennessee.

Vanilla Ice - hot off his performance as Theo in The Helix, Loaded - has no previous bull-riding or -wrangling experience.

Stephen Baldwin, brother of Alec "You're a rude, thoughtless little pig" Baldwin, plans to use his on-camera time to promote Jesus.

Garrett joins the show following his appearance on the main stage at this year's A Taste of Summer concert. Fellow performers include the Bay City Rollers, The Cowsills, and Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods. Barry Williams will emcee. Mr. Williams asks that someone please shoot him.


"I love touching strangers"

May 29, 2007

Readers were quick to point out that I accidentally posted a photo of Leif Garrett on Sunday instead of a photo of American idol winner Jordin Sparks.

What happened was this: I downloaded my photos of Leif a few years ago and labeled them "adorable1," "adorable2," "adorable3," etc. Then yesterday, I downloaded the photo of Ms. Sparks and, forgetting that I had reserved the adorable label exclusively for Mr. Garrett, I labeled it "adorable!" This was the photo I had intended to upload to blogger.

I would like to apologize to readers for the confusion. Many of you know that Mr. Garrett has experienced some personal problems for the past 28 years, and the last thing I intended to do was to poke fun at him or engage in "humor" at his expense. I have corrected the problem. I would like to apologize to Mr. Garrett and let everyone know that he will be performing at this year's A Taste of Summer concert, if he can get his head together.

May 27, 2007

'Idol' Finale runs long
TIVO owners miss ending, see no point in going on

Millions of "American Idol" fans were outraged when Wednesday's finale ran nine minutes long. Those recording it for later viewing found that the ending, including the announcement of Jordin Sparks' victory, had been cut off.

Fox issued an apology Thursday, saying "We're sorry that DVR users missed the conclusion of the American Idol broadcast." In a statement quoted by Broadcasting & Cable, a spokesman said "For those who missed it: the chubby girl who's still pretty won, and the little short guy came in second."

Here's a sampling of reaction to the "Idol'' finale as posted on the Arts + Entertainment Interactive blog site:

"I have never missed a finale, even when friends and loved ones desperately needed me. I gave up everything for "Idol." I feel cheated and only partially entertained."
Posted by Tina

"My DVR automatically records 5 minutes over, so I thought I was in the clear. What a cruel joke Fate (and, more specifically, the FOX network) has played."
Posted by Patrick in Kentucky

"What a bummer! I have recorded every show in its entirety, and archived them in file boxes with extensive notes. Now my collection will never be complete, and I have no choice but to ritualistically burn them all."
Posted by Angelisa

"Why does anyone care who the best karaoke singer in America is? I feel sorry for all of you suckers who wasted your time watching this drivel. I stopped watching after the first year, though I still leave lengthy comments about how I don't care about the show anymore at every opportunity."
Posted by Marc of Maine


Excited Idol winner Jordin Sparks

May 25, 2007

We all know that 70 percent of American music recorded before 1965 is not available on CD. Of my own personal LP collection, which circumstances forced me to part with in 2006, and for which the emotionless hipsters at the hypercool record store gave me only US$400.00, about half the albums are available on CD. Fortunately, I transfered many of them to CD before yielding the collection to the pod people.

Of the many LPs I used to own that are not available on CD, I have selected The Beatles' Christmas album, a track from which you can hear below. The album is very Pythonesque and, in fact, The Beatles were friends with the Python people. It is illegal for me to sell copies of copyrighted material, however, I would be glad to send a copy to anyone for the cost of postage and a blank CDr ($20).


Click to listen

May 24, 2007

Since I discovered how to convert CD tracks to the popular MP3 file format and upload them to an MP3 hosting site - a process that caused just a little bit of my soul to die - I can't stop writing posts with links to audio tracks.

Years ago, after a string of pointless jobs from which I was usually, though not always, fired ("I don't think you see things like other people," I was once told), I happened into a field of work that didn't bore the living shit out of me.

I can't say I became a teacher because I wanted to contribute something or because I love working with children (they're alright); I became a teacher because it was the only job I could stand.

Had I understood anything about basic economics, I might have first spent five minutes investigating teacher salaries in my area and comparing them to local housing prices, a precaution that might have saved me years of hardship. In my ignorance, however, I continued on in a field that offers neither incentives nor rewards for excellence, moving into smaller and smaller apartments, always sleeping on a bed that folded up during the day.

But let us return to the point of this post, which is to showcase yet another audio track from my archive. The year is 2003. The children of Room 8 gather together at lunchtime to record themselves singing one of their favorite songs. On hand is a guitarist whose technical ability is just shy of the material. The results are below:


Click to listen

May 23, 2007

Our reader Don was quick to point out that yesterday's performer, Edna, was not a relative of mine. She was one of the "friends" of my grandparents that I mentioned. I chose her recording because it is a personal favorite and because, unlike the other performers, she chose to record while sober.

For the morbidly curious, today I am posting a recording featuring grandma and grandpa. This was made early in the evening, I assume, since nobody sounds too drunk. Close listeners can hear the telephone ring in the background. In those days, the telephone was located in the home and was used for conversations. This was before caller ID, when people had no way of avoiding calls from friends in need.


Click to listen.
audio restoration by Graham Newton
"To Each His Own," Words & Music by Jay Livingston & Ray Evans, 1946
"Together," Words & Music by Buddy DeSylva, Lew Brown & Ray Henderson, 1928

May 22, 2007

The positive response to Saturday's post got me thinking Surely I have lots of other old crap I can post. For instance, I am fortunate to have in my possession a collection of homemade 78s that my grandparents recorded with their friends during the mid-twentieth century. Before television, people used to spend their evenings interacting with others in activities such as talking, playing games, and singing. Then television released us from having to spend time with other people and possibly grow/change. My grandparents too were forced to be with others, and these recordings are a record of those terrible times.

A few years back, I had the 78s transfered to compact disc and then gave copies of the discs to my siblings as gifts. They used the discs as coasters or to stabilize wobbly tables, but I have treasured mine through the years. After about four hours of research on 5/21 and 5/22, I successfully converted one of the tracks from the CD into the popular MP3 format, then located an "MP3 hosting site," whatever that is. I may have broken some laws. But, below, you can listen to Edna singing "Unfair." Any info on the origins of this song would be appreciated.


Click to listen to Edna singing
audio restoration by Graham Newton

May 21, 2007

We get mail. Or, more precisely, OPE zine gets mail. Below I have reprinted this mail and our reply:

Dear Mr. Xxxxxxx,
I just finished reading the latest edition of OPE zine, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. May I suggest a column titled “Ask OPiE” where readers can write in with questions? I’m sure your advice could really help people with tough situations. This might also increase your circulation. You may even get your own talk show. . .I am not yet ready to commit to a subscription but will continue to freeload off one of your subscribers. Thanks for listening (reading).

Kristin Xxxx
Human Resources Director
[facility]

-----------------------------

Ms. Xxxx,
I like this idea. Please send your list of questions for OPE, and I will present the idea to The Artist. Should he like it, I will take full credit. But you can know in your heart that whatever.

Kurt

May 19, 2007

In my youth, I used to visit the thrift shops and look for interesting items. But sometime in the 90's, everything became collectible, even shit. Nevertheless, last weekend, I bravely peeked into a collectibles shop in Trendyburg, and between the $60 enamel roaster and the open sets of greeting cards for $12, I found two boxes of photographs labeled "50 cents." I would have liked to have looked through them all, but there was no room to spread them out, and my request for something "to sort them into" yielded only a cigar box.

Still, I found the two lovely and intriguing photos below (click to enlarge):


"Bringing Hartline Camping outfit up to cabin on Lake Leigh, 1923"

May 18, 2007

Yesterday we received an order for 3 subscriptions to OPE zine. Someone subscribed themselves and two friends, increasing our circulation to 55! The following is a letter we sent to our new subscriber:


Dear [new subscriber],
Thank you for your words of praise and for your support of OPE. The three subscriptions you ordered (pending bank approval of your personal check) increased our subscriber base by almost 6 percent! For a moment, we thought we might be made to feel again.

We would also like to inform you that the cartoon “Other People Exist” has never appeared in any issue of Other People Exist zine. We therefore cannot complete that portion of your order at this time. Kurt completed the cartoon “Other People Exist” in 1997, and he did not start OPE zine until 2004.

But do not despair; Kurt is currently working on a special edition of OPE zine entitled “The Early Years” which he will peddle in the pages of OPE. You shall receive the first copy when it is completed! Until then, please wait quietly by your mailbox.

Thank you,

The Staff of OPE

May 17, 2007

I am blessed to have access to a back yard containing two large shady trees, numerous squirrels, and a generous selection of chirpy birds. On days like today, I enjoy sitting on the deck-like structure and composing my post with pen and paper.

Also present in this scene is a clowder of feral cats who enjoy lying about in piles of three or four and napping their lives away in tandem. At first I was unsure if I was supposed to report them or shoot them myself. Then, I decided I should defer to the more senior residents of the block.

The adjacent yard belongs to an elderly gentleman who has lived in his house since the Harding administration. He is retired, and he spends his day working in and protecting his extensive garden (take note Merle). Since he has the most to lose in the event of a feral cat infestation, I have decided that any action taken against the clowder should originate with him.

Meanwhile, the cats pile up.

May 16. 2006

How technology has changed our lives
by Kurt

When I was comin' up, people spoke on the telephone in the privacy of their home or in a booth enclosed in glass to ensure the privacy necessary for making phone calls.

Today, phone conversations are held in public, where we can all hear them, usually at twice the necessary volume. In the past, people used the telephone for conversations, but today they mostly use the phone (or cell) to tell others where they are located and what they are doing right now.

When I was young, families purchased a hi-fi in order to listen to music, which came on long-playing records, the majority of which are now unavailable on CD. Headphones were used primarily after smoking weed to enhance the experience. Using headphones when you weren't high resulted in lethargy and a tendency to zone out.

Today, people listen to "music" on headphones (called earbuds) in public, effectively eliminating their participation in the public space. And despite warnings from Pete Townshend, they turn up the volume on their equipment until everyone around them can hear it. They are not available for the occasional friendlinesses of daily life, neither to give nor to receive.

May 15, 2007

The Chips Ahoy! people (and their parent company Philip Morris USA) were pleased with yesterday's retraction, and they asked if they might send along a gift parcel containing an assortment of Chips Ahoy! cookies. No thank you, I told them, I don't care for crickets.

Regular bible readers may be aware that God, in his thoroughness, dictated certain dietary guidelines for us to follow, which can be found in Leviticus. While he prohibited the eating of pigs and rabbits (11:6-7), he went on to permit the eating of certain insects, most notably locusts, grasshoppers, and crickets (11:22). Many follow the prohibitions, but since crickets are only permitted by God, most take no specific action re: meeting God's recommended daily allowance of crickets.

But now Chips Ahoy! cookies, with their near-the-legal-limit levels of cricket particulate, are an excellent source of God-approved insects. You can be sure He notices those who force down crickets on his recommendation. Eating Chips Ahoy! cookies, with their substantial measurable cricket content, is one of the simplest ways to please a prohibitive God. Dig in!

May 14, 2007

Over the weekend, we were contacted by attorneys for Philip Morris USA who informed us that the Chips Ahoy! people were not amused by our recent post in which we revealed the percentage of allowable cricket mass in their product. It turns out that more recent analyses have determined that, though the amount of dust and hair is increasing, cricket content in Chips Ahoy! cookies is actually much lower than previously suspected. They demanded I print a retraction, which I am glad to offer below:

Cricket content in foodstuffs is rigidly controlled and monitored by the FDA. Chips Ahoy!, Chewy Chips Ahoy!, and the new Reduced Pesticide Residue Chips Ahoy! cookies have been determined by the FDA to contain an amount of crickets (whole or part) not in excess of the legal limit of 900,000 parts per million. This is well below safe levels and has not been shown to result in a crickety taste or texture. Many cookie products have measurable cricket content, and it is unfair to single out Chips Ahoy! cookies from the field of cricket-rich snack foods available today.

Consumers who are concerned about cricket content in their food may want to try Reduced Crickets Chips Ahoy! Manufactured in a plant that does not process crickets, they also meet the EU standards for food purity and safety.

May 11, 2007

From Issue #14 of OPE zine:

Many subscribers have contacted us to express their concern about the upcoming postal rate change on May 14, 2007 (see Decision of the Governors, docket #R2006-1). Though postal rates are going up (from 39 to 41 cents) for a one ounce letter, the additional ounce rate is going down. With each enveloped copy of OPE zine weighing in at just under 2 oz., we will be paying 5 cents less in postage per copy after the rate change! With 53 subscribers, this represents a savings of $US2.65 per issue, or about the cost of a loaf of rye bread.

Some of you have inquired as to what we intend to do with the money that we will save and whether some sort of refund is in order. The short answer is no. Coincidentally, so is the long answer. Just as we took a bullet for you and absorbed the cost of the increase in postage rates last year, so too will we be absorbing the savings brought on by this upcoming decrease.

We have always included shipping in OPE zine’s annual subscription rate of US$24.00, whatever the cost might be. Since our first subscribers were Americans, we assumed that they preferred not to know how we got the zine to their door or who may have suffered to ensure its delivery. Just because costs have dropped slightly for OPE, it would be affrontery to assume that subscribers now wish to leave their state of ignorance and develop a deeper understanding of the world around them.

We intend to keep our commitment to subscribers and deliver 6 issues of OPE zine to their home/place of work/trusted agent for a total cost of $US24.00, even if the means of their conveyance and the consequences of such must remain a total mystery to all involved. It’s how we roll.

Note: please do not contact our offices with any further inquiries on this matter.

May 10, 2007

From the archives:

Today we discover what Kurt does to occupy his mind during group-building activities at idiotic teacher meetings (click on image to enlarge):

May 9, 2007

White House Hosts Queen For White Tie Dinner
Bush asks Her Majesty what she wants on her burrito

The White House laid on special touches at President Bush's first-ever white-tie state dinner for Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip.

The kitchen offered seven different types of burrito fillings, along with unlimited guacamole and sour cream. Also on offer were the president's favorite chimichangas, as well as both Coke and Pepsi.

The president and the queen took markedly different approaches to their formal remarks during a South Lawn arrival ceremony. Bush mistakenly suggested the queen had celebrated the United States' founding in 1776. The Queen, in contrast, gave a normal speech without multiple embarrassing blunders.

The dinner was held in the State Dining Room. At the head table, the queen was seated on Bush's right, Nancy Reagan on his left. The platter of burritos was offered first to Her Majesty. The President appeared to wait respectfully, but then reached over and made his selection.

The toasts were heartfelt. The president raised his beer to the queen and toasted the "valiant people of the United Kingdom." In her response, Queen Elizabeth cited problems facing this generation, such as Iraq, Afghanistan, and climate change; but, she said, "together with our friends in Europe and beyond, we can continue to learn from the inspiration and vision of earlier statesmen in ensuring that we meet these threats and resolve these problems."


Her Majesty chose the burrito al pastor

May 8, 2007

Chips Ahoy! Facts

Chips Ahoy! is a brand of chocolate chip cookies made by Nabisco (owned by The Philip Morris Company). They are widely sold in the United States, Canada, Mexico, Spain, and Australia, where they are marketed as a food. The name is a play on the phrase "Ship Ahoy!" and is largely meaningless. It is the second-best-selling cookie in the United States, with an average of $355 million in sales per year.

For a time in the mid-1990s, Chips Ahoy! used the slogan "1,000 chips in every bag!" but chip-counting nerds proved that to be far from true, and the campaign was discontinued in English-speaking markets.

It is a common misperception that Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies are made of dust. In fact, they are made of tasteless, odorless white flour. The FDA limits the amount of impurities (dust, hair, crickets) in white flour to less than 900,000 parts per million.

Varieties
* Chips Ahoy!
* Chips Ahoy Light 100s!
* Chewy Chips Ahoy! (banned in Canada)
* Reduced Crickets Chips Ahoy!
* Crackers Ahoy!
* Pesticide-free Chips Ahoy!

May 7, 2007

Boy can spin story to rival 'Spider-Man 3'
Only more interesting

A nine-year-old Oregon boy has reason for being called Spider-Man after a doctor found two arachnids in his inner ear, one of them alive.

Sony Pictures' Tina Reffett was quick to discount any similarities between the two. "Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider during a science demonstration. This boy has the standard spider-in-the-ear, probably self-inflicted."

"I could feel them moving in there," said Jesse Courby of Portland, Ore. A doctor flushed the two small spiders from Courby's left ear last week after the boy complained of an earache.

"I don't know who this boy thinks he is, but Spider-Man and all Marvel character names and distinctive likenesses are trademark and copyright Marvel Characters Incorporated," Reffett said.

Courby's mother, Diane, suspects the spiders may have gotten into her son's ear canal when he was weeding. The next day, Jesse reported an uncomfortable feeling in his ear and heard a faint popping "like Rice Krispies," he told his mother.

"Big deal - his ears popped," Reffett said, "Where's his superhuman strength, clairvoyant 'spider-sense,' and ability to produce both organic and synthetic webbing?"

After the spiders were flushed from his ear, Courby saved them in a container and took them to school for show-and-tell.

Reffett said Sony Pictures may take legal action to prevent any further comparisons of the boy to Spider-ManTM.

May 4, 2007

We have received numerous requests from readers to share our secret for making great claffouti. As we told the press, we know no special secrets except for the secret that making claffouti is easy!

Today we made a strawberry claffouti, and below, I describe our procedure in detail.

First, I asked Todd to pick up the ingredients, saying All I have is a hundred.

No prob, he responded, as he grabbed his jacket.

Upon his return, I directed him to slice the strawberries and sprinkle them with a portion of the total sugar. Next, I combined the eggs, remaining sugar, and vanilla, and Todd whisked them until I shrieked Stop! Then, I added the flour and milk, and Todd again whisked the batter until it was smooth.




The claffouti dish was buttered, and the strawberries were arranged in an attractive pattern that would surely be a guest-pleaser if we could attract guests (we cannot).



The batter was added carefully, and the strawberries floated to the top, retaining their pattern. Like all claffouti, it was baked at 375°F for 35 minutes.



Though a simple claffouti like this will amaze, there are fancier variations. Last year, we made a Pear Cardamom claffouti that would have been welcome at the finest restaurants, though we are not.


The finished product

Claffouti is low in fiber, and one serving more than satisfies your daily requirement of eggs, so enjoy!

May 3, 2007

Despite receiving an Allergy Alert(TM) email this morning from Pollen.com warning me that allergy conditions in my area rated a 10.3 (HIGH) on a scale of 1-12, I ventured into the external world. Armed with my bottles of Flon@se (thank you, fugitive readers), I enjoyed a lovely spring day in the large, centrally located park in this American city of note.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the cart vendors were overcharging for snacks and drinks. Along the paths, trees with Latin names were blossoming. I found a bench dappled in sunlight and read from my book, A Time of Gifts, Patrick Leigh Fermor's memoir of his walk across Europe in 1934. It is an erudite discourse on art, architecture, history, anthropology, geography, and theories of cultural influence, and I like to be seen reading it and pretending I understand what the words mean.

I still recall the weeks we spent in school memorizing - the American version of learning - the capitals of the European countries (France: Paris) as well as half a dozen important European dates (1588). Afterward, our teachers never dared bring up the subject again, for fear that it would not be on the test.

Many years later, I purchased an impressively large book entitled History of the World with the intention of correcting this oversight by my teachers. It has been with me through several moves and has always had an important spot on my shelf. I like to think that when my real life begins, reading books like HOTW will be one of the many rich and interesting ways that I will spend my time.

May 2, 2007

Well, the response to yesterday's post was overwhelming. The cans of Flon@se have been flowing in, so many in fact that the mailman had to bring a large mailbag and dump out its contents on my desk in a dramatic style à la Miracle on 34th Street. What he was doing in my house I don't know. But the point is I am grateful for the outpouring of love from my fellow bloggers. I have enough Flon@se now to last many years, with plenty left over to sell to schoolchildren when convenient.

One small snafu: Those of you who put return addresses on your parcels may be in some hot water. Apparently, the mailman got suspicious when he saw me opening all the boxes of Flon@se. Why he didn't leave immediately after making his delivery I don't know. The authorities were summoned. Normally I burn all correspondence, but the thought of all that cardboard going unrecycled made me sick, so I recycled it. The CSI people are working their magic on the pile as I write, so if you are among the aforementioned, you should begin fleeing now.

Best of luck, and when times get bad - and I know they will - just think of me and my clear sinuses, and know that it was all worth it for me. God Bless.

May 1, 2007

As you may know, many of the prescription drugs we enjoy here in the United States are available over-the-counter in some of our neighboring countries. I recently had the opportunity to price our finer and more effective drugs on a travel trip I took. My personal favorite, Flon@se, was US$53, a price I found too dear. Upon returning home, I visited my quack doctor ($20 copayment), obtained the necessary prescription, and purchased this drug at a nearby popular chain drugstore ($50.00 copayment).

Now we all know Flon@se costs 12 dollars a barrel to make, but because of the dedication and hard work of the thousands of men and women who lobby to protect the interest of large HMOs, I must pay $17 more with insurance for the Flon@se I so desperately need than I would pay in a drugstore in Mexico.

Here's how you can help: I am currently down to my last few sprays, and spring is here. So I am asking each of you to search your medicine cabinets and drug bags for unneeded bottles of Flon@se in any state of use, wipe them off with a rag, and then contact me at the email link above about NOT mailing them to me (which is a federal offense). Thank you and please hurry.