February 28, 2007

Todd and I are really enjoying our suite at the Hilton. Although I hate to nitpick (not true), I've catalogued a few problems with the room, e.g., the ice is made from unfiltered water and the sheets are only 500 thread count (and NOT Egyptian cotton). Also, I don't think the piano has been tuned in months!

The help here are a subservient lot; I've really been enjoying the kow-towing, apple-polishing, and bootlicking. Even Todd has been surprised by the richness and variety of the toadying here. We've been particularly impressed by our pillow fluffer/mint handler; in conversation, he always leaves us feeling freshly important.

It is too bad Todd could not be made to understand the possibilities re: his deceased grandma's unexpired credit cards, because I could really get used to this suite, although I'd prefer one with more chandeliers. They really class up a joint.

February 27, 2007

Sony to offer better Blu-ray player for less
"What's Blu-ray again?" everyone asks

Sony today unveiled a Blu-ray Disc player that will have more capabilities than its current model at a significantly lower price. The player will be able to output a 1080P signal and upconvert lower quality signals to 1080P for output over the HDMI.

"I don't have to know what that means to know that I want to buy it!" said enthusiastic consumer Tina Reffett.

Other features of the player include multichannel linear PCM digital audio output via HDMI and compatibility with the AVCHD format.

"That sounds impressive!" an excited Reffett said today. "Just let me go get my purse."

Sony also announced its Blu-ray release schedule with a newly-expanded version of the hit "Revenge," featuring 1080p/MPEG-2-encoded video transfers, plus uncompressed PCM 5.1 surround tracks.

"Wow, new Blu-ray releases!" said Reffett. "Now, what's "Revenge?"

Sony has set a $28.95 list price for the release.

"We plan to continue leading the Blu-ray Disc charge with more amazing hit movies that exceed consumer expectations and fulfill Sony's vision," said Jeff Bloehardt, vice president of marketing for Sony.

Also slated for Blu-ray release by Sony: a three-disc set of "Arthur 2: On The Rocks" with 130 additional minutes of never-before-seen footage.

February 26, 2007

As you can see, the standoff at the transitional housing facility has ended. Although this was not my preferred outcome, it was an outcome, so at least Todd and I found closure on this issue.

What happened was this: the authorities arrived with substantially more staff than I was anticipating, and I quickly realized that my Swiss Family Robinson-style coconut bombs and nonlethal booby traps would be no match for their forces. I decided the only honorable way out was the coward's, so I doused the place with gas and made for my tunnel.

Todd stayed behind to close the tunnel door and light the match, but the firemen made a point of retrieving him once they knew he was trapped inside. The police will most certainly be looking for him (and the seldom-seen Mr. Oliver Klozoff) during the inevitable post-fire shakedown.

I appealed to the do-gooders who originally helped us for some "walking around money," and they were quite generous, so tonight we are staying at the local Hilton. This is my first time staying in a fancy hotel, at least for an entire night.

February 23, 2007

The time is approaching when city officials will try to insist that Todd and I leave the transitional housing facility. Todd will most certainly cry and bury his face in his hands while officials haul him away. I intend to fight the do-gooders who gave us this home.

In my experience, an effective barricade is essential to creating a long-term standoff-type situation and extending tenancy. Using a model, I built a mock-up of our unit to test different barricade configurations. I hope to improve upon the usual two-by-fours-nailed-across-the-doors-and-windows setup that we see so often. My goal is to remain on the premises as long as possible while keeping the death toll to a minimum.

I also plan to use the utility shed as a castle keep and, toward that end, I have hidden a camp mattress and case of Suzy Q's behind the rakes. They should last me through the Spring, unless the dogs get to them.

February 22, 2007

Public Service Announcement:

Some of us have given Blogger a Comment Notification Address, and Blogger promises us "We will email you at this address when someone leaves a comment on your blog." When I receive these emailed comments, some have a reply email address so I can write back a note such as Thanks for your comment or You make an excellent point or I will pound you! Others do not or, more precisely, the reply email address is noreply-comment@blogger.com.

I assumed that these were people who wanted to be left very much alone. They are the people who frown at babies and tell everyone to turn off the lights and be quiet when someone knocks on the door. But it turns out that some of these puppy kickers were unaware that others could not reply to their emailed comments. In the absence of replies, some had reasoned that I hated them as no one has ever hated another before. Well, I promise you that I would never let my hatred for you stop me from replying to your comments.

For those who wish to correct this, I know of one person who went deep into her settings and returned to tell what she did there:

On their profile page there should be an edit profile option. I added my email address back on my profile.

Of course, some may wish to withhold their email address and retain a modicum of privacy in a dangerous and untidy world. That is why I recommend creating a dedicated email address for your blog, using your real name only if you wish. I use the fake name "Kurt" so people will not discover my real name, Kirt.

February 21, 2007

Copies of issue #13 of OPE zine are arriving at subscribers' homes this week, and their birds, bunnies and guinea pigs are hopping from foot to foot in anticipation! They know that the arrival of this publication means a fresh cage lining for them, followed by weeks of superior comfort and leak protection. It is one of the reasons we work so hard to make each issue as thick and absorbent as we can. When we think of the looks on those pets' snouts/beaks/muzzles, we know that the work we do matters.

Sure, our subscribers could use newspaper to line their pets' cages. But newspaper requires regular changing, which can end up costing hundreds of dollars a month. And veterinarians tell us that 75% of all pets prefer OPE zine as a cage liner (among pets who specify a preference).

One important note: we don't recommend OPE zine for subscribers with gila monsters or other monster lizards. These animals need a substrate of playground sand or bark chips in their cage. Though OPE zine cannot adequately meet their needs at this time, we are looking at design changes to meet the needs of more pets in the future!

February 20, 2007

The days pass slowly here at the transitional housing facility. The weather has been cold and all the cats stay inside, so there is no one to play with. Nobody visits, possibly because of the smell. I hate to think that it's because of my personality, so I don't.

Several people from the city have politely reminded us that this is transitional housing, and wondered aloud why we had new carpet installed and put on an addition. Todd agreed to certain time constraints on his tenancy when he signed the contract with his real name, and I wish him luck in meeting the deadline.

Meanwhile, I am installing new locks and stockpiling canned goods and beef jerky in preparation for what should be an interesting standoff.

February 19, 2007

Britney’s Hair For Sale, Every Fan’s Dream Come True
Everyone else's nightmare come true

As bids for Britney's locks reached $1.1 million dollars on eBay, Spears' actions have sparked fears that she is on the verge of a breakdown after shaving her head.

"It is my greatest fear," said Spears fanatic and playground monitor Tina Reffett.

The 25-year-old singer - who may once have been sane - was seen entering Esther's Haircutting Salon in Tarzana, California, on Friday.

After hairdressers refused to shave her head, Britney grabbed a pair of clippers and sheared off her locks herself.

When asked if her haircut was a symbol of a new beginning, the singer said "What's a symbol?"

An hour later Britney went to the Body and Soul Tattoo parlor and got two more tattoos, for a total of who cares.

One onlooker revealed: "I didn't have anything better to do on my lunch break, so I decided to do some onlooking."

Spears then visited the Beverly Hills medical center, apparently begging the staff: "Help me". Staff members reassured her by telling her it would "grow back."

Other signs of trouble: Britney checked into Eric Clapton's Crossroads Center rehab clinic last Thursday, but left when she realized Clapton would not be performing.

As of Monday, head shaving is up 3000% at local salons.

February 16, 2007

There was a contest on the radio this morning to see who could name all the flavors of Tuna Twist, and I won! The prize was a free extreme makeover!

The doctors worked on me all afternoon using the latest non-invasive techniques, and when they were finished, I looked twenty years younger! Unfortunately, they lost my pants during my procedure, and I had to borrow some from a clown who had brought two pairs to his surgery.

On the way home, I stopped in the park to annoy children, and some youths mistook me for one of their own. We started talking about cool things, and someone snapped a photo. Don't I look great (2nd from left)!

February 15, 2007

U.S. rolls out new $1 coin

NEW YORK — The new $1 coin, bearing the likeness of George Washington, was introduced Thursday.

Commuters, ne'er-do-wells, and pickpockets bustled past the unveiling in Grand Central Station, while crowds of coin collectors and schizophrenics lined up to get the first coins and yell at aliens, respectively.

The coins are priced at two dollars apiece.

"I don't know of any country that has successfully introduced a dollar coin without getting rid of the corresponding paper unit," said Douglas Modd, author of Coins, Coins and Yet More Coins. "Maybe that's because most countries don't use dollars."

The Association of American Titty Bars opposes the new coin because it does not fold and cannot be tucked into a g-string or garter. Exotic dancers say the coins will make tipping impractical and they will no longer have a reason to live.

"I like it because it has the first president on it," said 7-year-old Jack Gerbus, an avid coin collector and second-grader from Valhalla, N.Y., who apparently feels his hobby is more important than school.

"This new coin totally rocks!" said the on-hand presidential reenactor, who insisted on identifying himself only as George Washington while scratching nervously at the outside of his jacket.

The Mint is making sure the coins, which are golden in color and slightly larger than an Olympic medal, will be widely available.

The design on the coin will change every three months, featuring a new president in the order in which they served, whatever that is.

February 14, 2007

This year, Todd and I don't have Valentines to celebrate the day with, so we agreed to surprise each other with something special. Todd surprised me with a champagne air balloon ride early in the morning. We had never before been in an air balloon, or gotten up early, or had champagne from a glass, so it truly was special.

For my surprise, I blindfolded Todd and took him on the city bus to the Dove Chocolate factory! I had arranged for us to be given a private tour by Mr. Dove himself. Todd was as giddy as a schoolgirl and kept touching all the candies, which then had to be destroyed. At the end of the tour, I had Todd dipped in chocolate and rolled in nuts. Then, I took him to the petting zoo, and we let the animals chew on his outer shell. I have to admit, I do know how to surprise someone.

When we got home, we found that our neighbor Rosa had surprised her boyfriend Jesús by having his name skywritten above the transitional housing facility. Now that's love!

February 13, 2007

Issue #13 of Other People Exist zine is complete. We ran the copy machine until late into the night, and we had the stack of zines bound and tied by the time the vans arrived at 5:00 AM. Sales were brisk in Asian markets, particularly in Bhutan and Western Nepal. Our table helpers there reported shoving in the early rush to get a copy.


As always, we're just proud to see our work appreciated, even by the non-English speaking. We don't question why we are so beloved in so many places, although our prescription drug program may play a role.

The letters and cards we've received from our Bhutanese fans suggest a love for our visual humor along with a desire to create the most comfortable coop possible for their pigeons. Apparently Bhutanese newspaper is of very poor quality, and our zine has a reputation for standing up to even the heaviest coating of droppings. We're not surprised, since we always use quality HP paper for the pages, and 24 lb paper for the cover.

Regular subscribers and pet stores should expect their copies in 3-6 days.

February 12, 2007

I am wrapping up production on Issue #13 of Other People Exist zine. This is the first issue of Year Three. It may not be our best issue ever, but it is the thickest and most absorbent, making it an exceptionally good cage liner. Our subscribers with bunnies, birds and guinea pigs will really be getting their money's worth with this issue.

Longtime readers are aware that the zine was my first love; I only started this blog when I realized that the zine could fill only 50-60% of the lonely hours. The blog has taken up the slack, so much so that I have no time to wonder how I screwed up my life so badly nor to make the difficult changes that might lead to improvement.

For those who crave more OPE, we still have many copies left of the underappreciated The Best of Year One & Two. It's 50% thicker and more absorbent than our regular issues, so it can handle even the messiest pets. Simply click on the email link in my profile to arrange for payment (US$8.00).

February 9, 2007

Everyone Will Soon Be Able to Stop Talking About Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith, the pop culture phenomenon and person, died Thursday in a Florida hotel room. She was about 39.

Millions of people around the world were privately relieved. Soon, they wouldn't have to hear any more Anna Nicole Smith news.

"Perhaps this will free up a few minutes in the day to talk about something important," said entertainment news addict Tina Reffett.

Playboy model and topless dancer, married to a man 60 years her senior, Smith had a stranglehold on local and national news - as well as water cooler conversation - for years.

"It's true," said Tony "Kip" Baylor, a counterhelper at Kinko's. "Some of us around here wanted to talk about the deterioration of the social fabric, but the conversation always came around to Anna Nicole Smith and how she did it with that old guy."

In the hours after her death, Anna Nicole bobbleheads shot up from $20 to more than $100 a head in bidding on eBay, as the celebrity's death sent shockwaves through the bobblehead community.

And Lisa Nowak, the diapered murdering astronaut, who only hours earlier had been the object of wall-to-wall coverage, was suddenly yesterday's news.

"She must be thanking the fates. Anna Nicole completely knocked her off the radar," said Theo Thompson, counterhelper at the Center for the Study of Popular Television. "Now all she has to worry about is that attempted murder charge."

Smith was born Vickie Lynn Hogan in Houston on Nov. 28, 1967; her family soon moved to Mexia, south of Dallas. Former Mexia resident David Bates said "She was just an ordinary, skinny, brown-haired local girl, but I do remember she was brighter than most of the kids we got."


"You kinda remind me of Anna Nicole"

February 8, 2007

There has been some doubt cast on the legitimacy of the BEA Awards, with some even questioning whether the award really exists. This is an insult to those of us who have been to Fort Lee and who have helped unroll the reddish carpet. Had the doubters eaten at the sumptuous pre-award pancake breakfast or sat with their hands cupped to their ears during the many probably touching acceptance speeches, there would be no question: the BEAs are an internationally recognized award just as they claim on their grammatically correct website.

I would think that the photo I took of the award-winners in the vending machine room would be proof enough that the event took place. Also, the staff of the Fort Lee Best Western can confirm that they had numerous bookings from around the country this past weekend.

I plan to take Taarzaan's advice and ignore the haters. I will buff and rebuff my award as many times as I feel like, and not just when it has a smudge.

February 7, 2007

Hackers attack heart of the net
plus some non-porn sites

Two students from Mr. Toby's sixth period computer class overwhelmed at least three of the 13 computers that help manage global computer traffic, in one of the most significant attacks against the Internet since 2002.

Experts said the unusually powerful attack lasted 12 hours, during which streaming porn became partially jittery.

The US Homeland Security Department discovered what it called "anomalous" internet traffic but said it was unlikely to affect the monitoring of everyone's email.

Computer expert Duane "Kip" Wessels said the two students were supposed to be working on their book report but "got bored" and began a distributed denial-of-service attack targeting at least five of the thirteen root name servers instead.

"Mr. Toby is an excellent teacher," said principal Tina Reffett. "None of his students have ever launched a major attack on key Internet traffic computers before."

Experts are recommending the two receive at least one week of detention for the attacks.

"Mr. Toby and I are very disappointed in these boys," added Reffett.

February 6, 2007

For those of you who missed the 2006 BEA Awards ceremony or the exclusive afterparty in the vending machine room, the entire event was broadcast on WFUT Univision Channel 68 from Newark New Jersey, and I taped it on my VCR. It is dubbed in Spanish, but the image quality is excellent. I would be happy to send a copy to anyone, just send me a blank VHS and a box and some packing materials, and I will COD it to you ASAP.

Todd buffed our 2005 and 2006 BEA Awards to a fine luster, and we are displaying them proudly in a prominent location in our transitional housing unit.

February 5, 2007

What a whirlwind weekend Todd and I had at the 2006 Blog Excellence Awards at the Fort Lee New Jersey Best Western Suite 306! Our Greyhound got in at 2:00 AM Sunday morning as scheduled. We looked for the shuttle to the hotel, but found none. We started to walk, but Todd could not carry all the bags himself (I had hurt my wrist in the station bathroom). Just when it looked like I was going to make a scene, a minivan full of fellow bloggers happened by and offered us a ride.

We managed to get a few hours of sleep before the BEA pre-ceremony pancake breakfast. Several of the judges made speeches about the journalistic legitimacy of blogs, then we were asked if we would help unroll the reddish carpet. A crew from Fort Lee's 103.1 FM arrived with much fanfare, but left after requesting directions to Funtown Pier.

The ceremony began on time but with an inadequate sound system, so when the first winners were announced, I felt a flush of excitement from being honored with my peers along with frustration at not being able to hear their names. Fortunately, when my category was being presented, there was so much booing that I knew my name had been called.

My speech was brief and inaudible. Still, my tie brought smiles from the crowd, and there was much cheering as I left the stage. The location of the after-party was kept somewhat secret, but I eventually discovered it in the vending machine room when I went to fill my ice bucket. I was given the honor of taking the group photo of the proud winners, and that is why I do not appear in it.

February 2, 2007

Our years (two) of hard work, perseverance and mooching off of friends and relatives have paid off! Other People Exist won a coveted 2006 BEA Award. Todd and I are packing and getting ready to take whatever form of transportation we need to take to get to Fort Lee, New Jersey for the awards ceremony this Sunday, February 4.

We were so excited to see that many of the blogs we read and enjoy were also big winners this year in their categories, whatever they were. You can see all the winners here.


We're so proud to be taking home that Lucite award two years in a row!

February 1, 2007

Tomorrow the winners of the 2006 BEA Awards will be announced. Todd and I have put all our eggs in this one basket, hoping for a win to validate everything we have been doing for the past two years. A loss would mean that our friends and family have been right all this time.

Some bad news: Wil Wheaton received a subsequent offer, and he will not be attending this year's award ceremony. This is a big disappointment for those of us who RSVPed for his talk in Room 308, as we lost our deposit on the pony keg.

For those of you driving to the Fort Lee Best Western, the map below should help. Remember: if you see the signs for Paramus, you've gone too far, or not far enough, depending on which way you're coming from.